MM tells me he has feelings for me

[lovebuzz]

1 minute ago, vla1120 said:

Why do you crave unavailable men? Is it because you believe something must be wrong with a man who is single/available at our age? I'll admit, I am a betrayed spouse. It was my best friend who had an affair with my husband. In her case, it was the fact that she was 39 and was unable to have children. I had a surprise pregnancy at 35. She was jealous and "punished" me by making the moves on my husband because I had something she could not have. What is your reason for craving unavailable men? Are you jealous of the wife because she has a man you apparently believe is out of her league? I"m curious. Seriously. Why go after unavailable men? I hope you will take a little time to self-evaluate. Surely a woman so self-assured and confident doesn't really need to go after another woman's man.

Sorry you had pain.  I know of similar situations.  It hurts that much more when you also lose a good friend or so you had thought was a good friend.

It is not so much that I crave unavailable men.  it is just that this guy is a love and sex addict, and if i am attracted to him then there must be something wrong with me as well.  I would prefer single men but I still fell for this one.  His marriage obviously did not deter me.  I see it as an additional hurdle to jump...a challenge.   I have had many traumas in my life and I'm sure that has to do with it.  My parents were divorced when I was one.  So I probably have abandonment issues.

No, I am not jealous of his wife.  I don't even know her.  i just know who she is.  He hasn't said anything really negative about her except that she wastes money on furniture that she decides she doesn't like.  I don't know if he is out of her league.  I think she is probably a smart woman as well.  I feel bad for her... just not enough to stop me from allowing her husband to pursue me.

I am basically too lazy to actively look for another man at this point.  I have been depressed for a long time over my husband who passed and decided to take up tennis again last March.  So I have just been doing that aside from working and upkeeping my home. When you live alone, you need to do everything yourself you know.

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

Which is worse his habit for jumping into bed with cute strangers or my craving for unavailable men?  Ebony and Ivory

So you've always craved and gone after unavailable men, your poor husband.

[lovebuzz]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

So you've always craved and gone after unavailable men, your poor husband.

No, I haven't.  We had a great marriage.  It was too short... only 2 1/2 years.  I was with him for 9 1/2 wonderful years.

Edited December 1, 2021 by lovebuzz

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

No, I haven't.  We had a great marriage.  It was too short... only 2 1/2 years.  I was with him for 9 1/2 wonderful years.

Yeah, well your previous statement says otherwise.  As a matter of fact so does your entire thread.  I don't believe you.

[lovebuzz]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah, well your previous statement says otherwise.  As a matter of fact so does your entire thread.  I don't believe you.

This MM is unavailable yet I still want him. 

My husband was not.  If my husband was unavailable we wouldn't have gotten married.  How is that hard to believe?

I am not a cheater... this MM is.

Edited December 1, 2021 by lovebuzz

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

This MM is unavailable yet I still want him. 

My husband was not.  How is that hard to believe?   If my husband was unavailable we wouldn't have gotten married. 

That's obvious.  I'm wondering how many unavailable men you were scooping out when married to your husband.  You don't have the highest morals and seem to fall for anyone showing you attention.

[Girl Fade Away]

11 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

He is pursuing me

I'm sorry to be such a lovebuzz kill but have you forgotten he dumped you?  All this talk about he will be happier after leaving his wife, will never cheat on you etc etc, those are YOUR words, YOUR frame.   

It's like you have created an entire scenario in your head based on your own feelings and thoughts and wishful and frankly delusional thinking.  I am sorry to be harsh, but the reality is he sent you a message and dumped you. 

It's funny another poster mentioned Disneyland because what is happening here in your OWN mind is akin to a Disney fantasy.

Except he is NOT your Prince Charming, he is a liar, cheater and very much married and from the sounds of his last message, intends on remaining that way. 

Look I get it.  Rejection is painful.  So we tell ourselves 'stories' to lessen the pain, creating our own reality.  I have done it myself at certain times in my life.   It's a defense mechanism against feeling hurt. 

That is what you are doing here, creating your very own reality show that has literally nothing to do with the truth which is the man dumped you.

Whether or not he will return is anyone's guess but I wouldn't bank on it.  Doing so is delusional thinking.  I'm sorry. 

 

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[lovebuzz]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

That's obvious.  I'm wondering how many unavailable men you were scooping out when married to your husband.  You don't have the highest morals and seem to fall for anyone showing you attention.

I did not cheat on my husband.  He gave me plenty of love.

[vla1120]

32 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

I am basically too lazy to actively look for another man at this point.  I have been depressed for a long time over my husband who passed and decided to take up tennis again last March.  So I have just been doing that aside from working and upkeeping my home. When you live alone, you need to do everything yourself you know.

I totally understand. My (second) husband passed in June 2019. I bought a house in February and have been doing lots of upkeep trying to keep myself busy.

I've just recently dabbled in online dating apps. It's frustrating, I know. Personally, what I am finding is the longer I am alone, the more I like being alone. I have two jobs and keep busy with volunteering, as well. As SOON as someone I am talking to puts any type of demand on my time, like complaining about how long it took me to respond to a text, it reminds me of how WONDERFUL it is to be in complete control of my own time, not having to answer to anyone else's needs. I understand the depression, too. If I were you, I would take some more time to myself, maybe talk to a therapist to deal with the depression and loss, and really concentrate on loving yourself enough so that you do not expose yourself to stressful situations, like a wife knocking on your door, or waiting for a man to make a decision about leaving his wife for you. You're better than that and should want more for yourself. 

[lovebuzz]

5 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I'm sorry to be such a lovebuzz kill but have you forgotten he dumped you?  All this talk about he will be happier after leaving his wife, will never cheat on you etc etc, those are YOUR words, YOUR frame.   

It's like you have created an entire scenario in your head based on your own feelings and thoughts and wishful thinking.  I am sorry to be harsh, but the reality is he sent you a message and dumped you. 

It's funny another poster mentioned Disneyland because what is happening here in your OWN mind is akin to a Disney fantasy.

Except he is NOT your Prince Charming, he is a liar, cheater and very much married and from the sounds of his last message, intends on remaining that way. 

Look I get it.  Rejection is painful.  So we tell ourselves 'stories' to lessen the pain, creating our own reality.  I have done it myself at certain times in my life.   It's a defense mechanism against feeling hurt. 

That is what you are doing here, creating your very own reality show that has literally nothing to do with the truth which is the man dumped you.

Whether or not he will return is anyone's guess but I wouldn't bank on it.  Doing so is delusional thinking.  I'm sorry. 

 

 

He was forced to write that message by his wife as part of an agreement so she would not leave him.  Many people think this is obvious.  I am not the only one who sees it that way.  My therapist said it, my two sisters and a friend also agree.... even another poster said it.

Before this happened, he had asked me if his wife leaves him, would I be with him.  I said yes.

IMO, because he has a love/sex addiction, it will be harder for him than normal people to stay away.  I am relatively sure he will be back.  I am not so sure he will leave his wife.

 

[vla1120]

5 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

My therapist said it,

I am glad you are talking to a therapist.

[lovebuzz]

2 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I totally understand. My (second) husband passed in June 2019. I bought a house in February and have been doing lots of upkeep trying to keep myself busy.

I've just recently dabbled in online dating apps. It's frustrating, I know. Personally, what I am finding is the longer I am alone, the more I like being alone. I have two jobs and keep busy with volunteering, as well. As SOON as someone I am talking to puts any type of demand on my time, like complaining about how long it took me to respond to a text, it reminds me of how WONDERFUL it is to be in complete control of my own time, not having to answer to anyone else's needs. I understand the depression, too. If I were you, I would take some more time to myself, maybe talk to a therapist to deal with the depression and loss, and really concentrate on loving yourself enough so that you do not expose yourself to stressful situations, like a wife knocking on your door, or waiting for a man to make a decision about leaving his wife for you. You're better than that and should want more for yourself. 

He was my second husband as well and he passed in May 2019.  I am getting used to being alone as well.  There are actually a lot of benefits.  I probably wouldn't be able to spend so much  time on this site if I were not alone...no obligations to another person, etc.

[Girl Fade Away]

9 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

He was forced to write that message by his wife as part of an agreement so she would not leave him

Emboldened, what does that tell you?  He dumped you, the woman you claim he wants, so his wife would not leave him?  

Does this sound like a man intending to leave his wife?  To me it sounds like the opposite.  A man who would do anything to keep his wife, even sending what you believe to be a fake message dumping you. 

Have you heard from him since?  Explaining he was forced to write it?   Would not a man who truly wanted you and loved YOU have done that? 

Anyway, said my piece, again good luck to you lovebuzz.  

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

This MM is unavailable yet I still want him. 

That’s a big problem for you - sure to bring you unhappiness unless you change your way…

[lovebuzz]

16 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Emboldened, what does that tell you?  He dumped you, the woman you claim he wants, so his wife would not leave him?  

Does this sound like a man intending to leave his wife?  To me it sounds like the opposite.  A man who would do anything to keep his wife, even sending what you believe to be a fake message dumping you. 

Have you heard from him since?  Explaining he was forced to write it?   Would not a man who truly wanted you and loved YOU have done that? 

Anyway, said my piece, again good luck to you lovebuzz.  

 

You are right, so far.  IMO, when things calm down... he will return because he is addicted.  I don't think he will leave his wife.  The best I can hope for is his wife leaves him after he cheats on her too many times.  I realize that a lot is at stake for him.  He does not want his children to hate him I believe is the main thing.  This type of situation requires patience on my part. 

His wife is not going to change.  Whatever it is that made him cheat before, will make him cheat again.  And if it is just his own head/addiction that makes him cheat, that will not change either.  I am not in a rush... it is what it is.  He knows where I live and I am not holding my breathe.

[lovebuzz]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s a big problem for you - sure to bring you unhappiness unless you change your way…

Easier said than done.

[mark clemson]

My main point is to be reasonable and keep the OP's best interests in mind, rather than using posts as an excuse to vent personal  vitriol on them. People are judging OP according to the fictions they carry around in their heads that they clearly take a little too seriously.

That's typical human behavior, but when others go around on a high horse and essentially bash the OP it becomes worth pointing out.

It's your morals, not "morals" objectively.

Some people will blow up schools and buses over them. Others bash people on internet forums.

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by mark clemson

[lovebuzz]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

My main point is to be reasonable and keep the OP's best interests in mind, rather than using posts as an excuse to vent personal  vitriol on them. People are judging OP according to the fictions they carry around in their heads that they clearly take a little too seriously.

That's typical human behavior, but when others go around on a high horse and essentially bash the OP it becomes worth pointing out.

It's your morals, not "morals" objectively.

Some people will blow up schools and buses over them. Others bash people on internet forums.

 

It serves me no purpose to not be honest on an anonymous site.  In real life I would not be as honest.

[vla1120]

Please, no personal attacks, otherwise the moderators will shut down this thread! Regardless of what advice the OP is looking for, everyone brings their own prejudices to the table based on their life experiences. I was a BS, myself. I was bitter for some years, but not any more. I could not imagine myself with my cheating husband, now, so I try not to judge too harshly. It's unlikely there are very many true "innocents" out here on LS. Let's keep it civil.

[Girl Fade Away]

55 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

when things calm down... he will return because he is addicted.

As are you!   Which is why you are unable to extricate yourself, knowing what an impossible, hurtful and painful situation this is.  

No judgment, I've been there too.  Addicted, delusional thinking, all of it.  So I understand.  

I learned the hard way, by experiencing it, hitting rock bottom and climbing my way back up.  And I am stronger and wiser because of it. 

I do not envision good things for you here, and again wish you the best. 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

Easier said than done.

Not really. 

This is a choice you are making, to pursue an unavailable man. You make an awful lot of assumptions - like he is addicted, you are more desirable, they are unhappy in their marriage, his wife will leave/why would she stay with a serial cheater - none of which are actually true. At least, not by what you have shared.

So, you can chose to live in this fantasy land of your own creation and involve yourself in their drama, or you can make a better choice for yourself. It’s entirely your decision.

[Starswillshine]

It should just be a self preservation issue. Sure, you're hooked right now. You love his attention and the things he does for you. But if you know that you will end up hurt in the end, why would you continue down this path? Because as you go further, the more attached, the more pain, the more it hurts. 

I sort of get living in the moment and all that, but the longer you live in the moment the more time it costs you afterwards in trying to heal from this. 

I agree life is too short. Which is why I would never put myself in a situation that will steal moments of my life. 

[pepperbird2]

On 11/30/2021 at 10:22 AM, lovebuzz said:

I am new and so is my issue.  I am a single woman living in a house down the block from  MM.  He is 65, married 38 years with grown children and grandchildren.  We met playing tennis a few months ago.  It went from tennis partner to friendship/flirting and then to an emotional affair with no physical contact up until recently.  He offered to do some small jobs in my house.  One time his wife texted him while he was in my house and he texted her back and said that I am worried about her.  I don't know why he said that to his wife.  He told his wife he enjoys spending time with me.  I don't know why he said that to her either.  She immediately told him to not enter my home.  He told me he is a love and sex addict.  He cheated on his wife and got caught six years ago, went for counseling and stayed with her.  I asked him how he got caught and he told me that he told his wife about it.  He still came to my house to finish some work that he said he would do for me prior to her banning him from entering my house.  During that time he kissed me for the first time and it got heated.  He told me his wife found out he was in my house and he told his wife he kissed me.  The next day he told me his wife left him, wants a divorce because she had enough and was staying with a friend.  He asked me to dinner and later asked if he could come in. Again we had "almost sex".  The next day his wife returns and he told me she wants to reconcile and he "has to try to work things out", we can no longer have any contact and it is very painful.  Two days later he calls me to tell me his wife is upset and is coming to my house to talk to me.  He said he told his wife we just kissed but I decided to not answer the door.  During our phone conversation he told me he has feelings for me and is confused.  He said he would rather her file for a divorce than him because he feels guilty and doesn't want to hurt her.  The next day I get another email from him.  I have shown the email to my sisters and a friend and they are telling me that they think either his wife made him write it or his wife wrote it from his account without his knowledge.  This is the email:

"I am writing this final email to apologize for any misunderstanding between us that may have been caused by my issue, which I confided with you.

I love my wife very much, I don't want to be with anyone else. I plan to remain happily married to her for the rest of my life.

I will not be playing tennis with you in any way in the future.

Please respect my wishes and do not make any contact with me or my wife in any manner."

 

Naturally, I did not respond and do not plan to contact him.  Also, I have never had any contact with his wife although the tone of the email suggests otherwise.

Not sure if he wrote this email with or without coercion from his wife.  It seems unusual that one day he is telling me he has feelings for me and then the next day "I don't want to be with anyone else" and that "I plan to remain happily married to her for the rest of my life".

Also, is he telling his wife about me to attempt to get his wife so upset that she files for divorce?   I am not sure what is going on?

 

 

 

first off, dollars to donuts she wrote that note. It;'s too formal and stunted ( part of my job involves recognizing "fakery", for lack of a better term).

Secondly, if I had to bet my next year's salary, he is full of more excrement than an overflowing country septic tank. This isn't his first ( or even second or third ) rodeo. He knows the game, and he's playing it with you.

If you want to get into that, that's your choice. Some enjoy the drama. If you don't enjoy that sort of nonsense I;d stay away. He sounds like he's led around by, um, his "gentleman's department". At his of age, I highly doubt the old tomcat will learn to stay home.

[pepperbird2]

On 11/30/2021 at 12:41 PM, lovebuzz said:

My opinion... many people get divorced.  More people are getting divorced later in life from what I have read as it is easier when the kids are grown and out of the house.  People grow apart. 

I am much better looking than his wife and have more to offer him.   We are both tennis players and like to play everyday.  His wife does not play tennis.  We had a great time together both on the court and in the bedroom.  I did not initiate anything...  he did.  We did not have oral sex or intercourse... it was all foreplay.

I am aware that statistically the odds are against me.  However,  it does happen and I think there is a possibility that he could actually get a divorce and end up with me. 

IMO, as time goes by, he will realize how much he misses me when he thinks about the great times we had.  I know he thinks I am amazing.  

His relationship with his wife will not change.  She does not trust him and most likely never will.

As far as his cheating... I feel he cheated on his wife because he was not happy with his relationship.  I also think that it is harder to cheat on someone the older you get so the chances of him cheating on me would be less. 

In the meantime, I do not plan to contact him at all and will wait for him to contact me which I believe will happen.  I am still living my life.

 

I sense a lot of passivity here. This didn't "just happen". The two of you actively set it up. It happened because you wanted it to. That makes him a  cheater There's no two ways about it. You can not change him or make him any different. You can't love this behavious away.

 

[pepperbird2]

18 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I asked him that question.  He said this is really his first affair because he cares about me.  The others he cheated with were just for sex. 

Obviously we don't know if he is telling the truth but I think he is.

For a cheater, he seems to tell the truth a lot.

others?....

you know what he is , and you actively choose to ignore.