MM tells me he has feelings for me

[pepperbird2]

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Well, you know all logic has gone out the window when you start with these kind of statements.
 

the heart wants what it wants" is such a recipe for pain. whoever came up with that phrase needs a good kick in the rear.

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I did not cheat on my husband.  He gave me plenty of love.

ah, I think I see part of the issue here.

You frame people's actions s if they are controlled by others. You think mm only cheats because he felt pushed into it( not his fault) he's  a "sex addict" -again, not his fault. You didn't cheat because your husband treated you well-you made him responsible for your behvaiour. I get the feeling that being an OW doesn't really sit well with you, so again, it's not you-it's all because of him. He perused you, he made the first moves, he, he, he he. There's no "I" in there. Madam, this isn't on anyone but you, You could have said "no", and yet you chose differently. At least own your role.
 

Edited December 1, 2021 by pepperbird2

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

I do not feel guilty especially since they are not happy anyway. 

So let's forget about the moral of it for a moment. 

Do you know anything about sex addiction? Have you read on the subject? Do you know that it is so seated deep into people that it cannot stop just by deciding it will stop. These people never get rid of this addiction.

I was a few years with a sex addict. It's all about the chase, seduction and the reward of winning, then they move to next. You're beautiful, you're different, I care about you, you're the first woman that makes me happy, are words they say left and right to all their conquests,  it's all part of their game.  He will cheat, he can't control it, no matter the promises. You'll catch him cheating with 1 woman but what you don't know is there are 10 others you're not aware of. Then there's the health matter that comes with being with a sex addict. All the STDs they can bring back to you, I will always remember the embarrassment I felt when I had to ask my doctor to be tested for all the STDs out there and he asked why I felt the need to do that. Now a year after our breakup I still think when he came home at night and he kissed me, where had been his mouth.

If this is what you wish to put yourself through at 63 well, enjoy. At 65 or 66 you'll find yourself single again, broken down, betrayed, ashamed of letting this happen to you.You'll be embarrassed to tell your friends, colleagues, family that this amazing man was a player after all and that yes at 63 you didn't know better and ignored the red light flashing right under your nose. Then you'll have to start over again, learn to trust men again, learn to believe in love again, believe you still got it to attract a man at 66+. Let me tell you, it's exhausting. It's not worth it. 

[lovebuzz]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

 At least own your role.
 

Okay, I allowed it.  We both had a great time.  

I had asked him why he was doing all these projects for me.  He said for the zings.  I felt he should have some zings.

[lovebuzz]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

others?....

you know what he is , and you actively choose to ignore.

Why would he even tell me he's a sex addict and cheated on his wife multiple times?  Who would tell that to someone you want to cheat with?  I would think he wouldn't want me to know that.  That's why I think he is honest.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

Why would he even tell me he's a sex addict and cheated on his wife multiple times?  Who would tell that to someone you want to cheat with?  I would think he wouldn't want me to know that.  That's why I think he is honest.

Simple:  He's protecting himself. 

If you know this about him and choose to get involved, when you find out that he's cheated on you too his response will likely be "well, I did warn you that I was a sex addict and you chose to be with me anyway".    And it would be a very fair call on his part. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by basil67

[lovebuzz]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So let's forget about the moral of it for a moment. 

Do you know anything about sex addiction? Have you read on the subject? Do you know that it is so seated deep into people that it cannot stop just by deciding it will stop. These people never get rid of this addiction.

I was a few years with a sex addict. It's all about the chase, seduction and the reward of winning, then they move to next. You're beautiful, you're different, I care about you, you're the first woman that makes me happy, are words they say left and right to all their conquests,  it's all part of their game.  He will cheat, he can't control it, no matter the promises. You'll catch him cheating with 1 woman but what you don't know is there are 10 others you're not aware of. Then there's the health matter that comes with being with a sex addict. All the STDs they can bring back to you, I will always remember the embarrassment I felt when I had to ask my doctor to be tested for all the STDs out there and he asked why I felt the need to do that. Now a year after our breakup I still think when he came home at night and he kissed me, where had been his mouth.

If this is what you wish to put yourself through at 63 well, enjoy. At 65 or 66 you'll find yourself single again, broken down, betrayed, ashamed of letting this happen to you.You'll be embarrassed to tell your friends, colleagues, family that this amazing man was a player after all and that yes at 63 you didn't know better and ignored the red light flashing right under your nose. Then you'll have to start over again, learn to trust men again, learn to believe in love again, believe you still got it to attract a man at 66+. Let me tell you, it's exhausting. It's not worth it. 

That's why I think he'll be back.  Because he can't control himself.  And we did not have actual sex so he did not win yet.  From him confiding in me... he had 10 women in 38 years of marriage and not all of them he had full sex with.  I don't think he is that far gone as you make it out to be.  Every sex addict is not the same.  He is not reckless.  It is not ideal but I could deal with it.

[larsen]

15 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

Why would he even tell me he's a sex addict and cheated on his wife multiple times?  Who would tell that to someone you want to cheat with?  I would think he wouldn't want me to know that.  That's why I think he is honest.

Because he knows he can tell you anything and you won't leave him.

 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, lovebuzz said:

That's why I think he'll be back.  Because he can't control himself.  And we did not have actual sex so he did not win yet.  From him confiding in me... he had 10 women in 38 years of marriage and not all of them he had full sex with.  I don't think he is that far gone as you make it out to be.  Every sex addict is not the same.  He is not reckless.  It is not ideal but I could deal with it.

Your problem is that you beleive everything he says. They are masters at lying and making it sound true. 10 women in 38 years is a joke, no one would be identified as a sex addict with this low number of sexual partners. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

That's why I think he'll be back. ...   It is not ideal but I could deal with it.

Well IF you truly feel that way, then it seems you have the option to "accept him" should he return.

I suppose it's a matter of IF he comes back. Could happen, but it's not overly likely.

If you're not interested in other partners then I suppose you have the option to wait and see if it happens. This would not be a good plan for MOST folks, but you are you.

IMO it's more likely that if he returns it is to resume the affair, which he apparently enjoyed. As mentioned a lot around here, him actually leaving in order to "have you fully" is unlikely.

[Tullyseptember]

You sound detached and disconnected.  Plus I would get a new therapist that does not "validate" any aspect of entertaining an attached person.

[spiderowl]

On 11/30/2021 at 11:35 PM, lovebuzz said:

I asked him that question.  He said this is really his first affair because he cares about me.  The others he cheated with were just for sex. 

Obviously we don't know if he is telling the truth but I think he is.

For a cheater, he seems to tell the truth a lot.

HE says, you are attractive, he cares for you, he has feelings for you, etc. etc. etc. ...  That's what cheaters do; they say these things to their target and their targets believe them.  They seem sincere.  However, they are cheaters.  This is a seriously messed-up guy who will turn you into a seriously messed-up woman if you let him.  You are choosing to believe him.  Don't let yourself become a pawn in his game of having fun manipulating women whilst seeking extra attention from his wife.

[lovebuzz]

29 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Well IF you truly feel that way, then it seems you have the option to "accept him" should he return.

I suppose it's a matter of IF he comes back. Could happen, but it's not overly likely.

If you're not interested in other partners then I suppose you have the option to wait and see if it happens. This would not be a good plan for MOST folks, but you are you.

IMO it's more likely that if he returns it is to resume the affair, which he apparently enjoyed. As mentioned a lot around here, him actually leaving in order to "have you fully" is unlikely.

Hopefully the wife will leave him after he returns.  As mentioned previously, I beleive his liklihood of returning is great due to his addiction.

[lovebuzz]

32 minutes ago, Tullyseptember said:

You sound detached and disconnected.  Plus I would get a new therapist that does not "validate" any aspect of entertaining an attached person.

My therapist does not validate entertaining him.  I had just asked for her opinion.

[spiderowl]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

Why would he even tell me he's a sex addict and cheated on his wife multiple times?  Who would tell that to someone you want to cheat with?  I would think he wouldn't want me to know that.  That's why I think he is honest.

Because he has no sense of appropriate boundaries?  If you get involved with him - quite apart from the cheating on his wife aspect - you won't know where he's been before he has sex with you.  If his wife has any sense, she won't be sleeping with him any longer in case she catches something!

[Theeisor]

I’m sure you’re a very nice lady and I’m so sorry about the loss of your husband BUT as someone who has been there (like everyone else here) and is still recovering, you have to believe the people here who are giving you advice. Everything you have said was literally a page out of the delusion I was under. Everything you have stated is everything I told myself because I wanted it to be true: 

He’ll be back. He really wants to be with me. I’m prettier than his wife. He isn’t happy. He’ll be happier with me. Blah blah blah.

Now that I’m coming out of the fog, I feel sillier than ever that I ever felt this way. Do yourself a favor and run as fast as you can from this. Everything he is telling you might be true but the price that is paid day to day is not worth it. 
 

If I were you, I’d be living my best life taking vacations, flirting and getting free drinks from AVAILABLE men. Why try and snatch another woman’s problem? That’s just me. I wish you luck and beg you to consider the advice you’re getting. They’re not wrong.  

[Eeejay]

Quote

Why would he even tell me he's a sex addict and cheated on his wife multiple times?  Who would tell that to someone you want to cheat with?  I would think he wouldn't want me to know that.  That's why I think he is honest.

It was a disclaimer. He wanted it on record that this is his MO before embarking on this nonsense with you. He likes sex and validation outside of his marriage and has sought it out many times before, but he has never (and will never) choose to end his marriage or leave his wife. Those last two things are FACTS, lovebuzz - everything else is just conjecture coming from a person (you) with a significant bias. With this disclaimer in place, any stock you put in anything he says is YOUR fault and not his (in his mind). See?

In a weird way, that might be the ONLY honest thing he's given you - the rest of it? All the 'you're the only one of my many affairs (I'm cringing as I type this) that I consider a true affair because you're the only one I've cared about', 'would you be with me if I left my marriage' bunk is just that - bunk. It's called future faking - look it up. It's called that because that's what it is. Fake. Nothing more than words. Do some reading on this site - plenty of otherwise intelligent people fall for it because they're human, they're hearing what they desperately want to hear, they are flattered and they WANT to believe it's all true. That doesn't make it so.

If your therapist isn't in favor of you entertaining this whole thing, then I'd be interested to know what he/she says about it, because in my eyes (and many other posters here apparently), this is a situation you've gotten into as a form of unhealthy coping following the death of a husband you loved very much. For that, by the way, I truly am sorry.

Edited December 2, 2021 by Eeejay
Accidentally deleted a sentence

[Lotsgoingon]

He confesses he's a sex addict, oh boy ... I know some recovering sex addicts. It's a big deal when they decide to tell someone of their issue. These folks I know tell people they are in recovery and they answer all questions, but only after things have gotten kinda serious but before sex. 

This guy's disclosure of sex addiction early on is what twisted people do. You start by admitting to the craziest most insane behavior--owning it--which means as you go along, you can pull the other person is even crazier, more insane behavior. He has set you up for zero accountability. He is owing you nothing. 

You are in for the ride of your life--and it ain't gonna be fun. Part of being a sex addiction is the chase. Sex (for lots of addicts) is actually not enjoyable. It's the chase. Sorta like gamblers don't need to win to sustain their compulsion, sex addicts just need to chase. And like other addicts, the chase over time brings less and less pleasure until things flip into the hell of addiction---the place  where you chase only to escape pain. Getting into happy territory is gone. You chase to escape pain and the relief becomes briefer and briefer. And the rest of their lives go to hell because they can't attend to the details of life. 

Just like lots of other addicts who routinely lie, lots of sex addicts will absolutely lie to have In sex with someone. You are this guy's high right now, but soon being with you will be boring. He'll need to cheat on you in order to get some novelty. In fact, if he's an addict, he's already on the phone and texting and chasing someone in addition to you. 

But OP, I think you're content. So good luck. 

[lovebuzz]

20 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I’m sure you’re a very nice lady and I’m so sorry about the loss of your husband BUT as someone who has been there (like everyone else here) and is still recovering, you have to believe the people here who are giving you advice. Everything you have said was literally a page out of the delusion I was under. Everything you have stated is everything I told myself because I wanted it to be true: 

He’ll be back. He really wants to be with me. I’m prettier than his wife. He isn’t happy. He’ll be happier with me. Blah blah blah.

Now that I’m coming out of the fog, I feel sillier than ever that I ever felt this way. Do yourself a favor and run as fast as you can from this. Everything he is telling you might be true but the price that is paid day to day is not worth it. 
 

If I were you, I’d be living my best life taking vacations, flirting and getting free drinks from AVAILABLE men. Why try and snatch another woman’s problem? That’s just me. I wish you luck and beg you to consider the advice you’re getting. They’re not wrong.  

I think you are probably right but I am not interested in anyone else at the moment.  I am just focusing on trying to keep busy by myself.

[lovebuzz]

5 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He confesses he's a sex addict, oh boy ... I know some recovering sex addicts. It's a big deal when they decide to tell someone of their issue. These folks I know tell people they are in recovery and they answer all questions, but only after things have gotten kinda serious but before sex. 

This guy's disclosure of sex addiction early on is what twisted people do. You start by admitting to the craziest most insane behavior--owning it--which means as you go along, you can pull the other person is even crazier, more insane behavior. He has set you up for zero accountability. He is owing you nothing. 

You are in for the ride of your life--and it ain't gonna be fun. Part of being a sex addiction is the chase. Sex (for lots of addicts) is actually not enjoyable. It's the chase. Sorta like gamblers don't need to win to sustain their compulsion, sex addicts just need to chase. And like other addicts, the chase over time brings less and less pleasure until things flip into the hell of addiction---the place  where you chase only to escape pain. Getting into happy territory is gone. You chase to escape pain and the relief becomes briefer and briefer. And the rest of their lives go to hell because they can't attend to the details of life. 

Just like lots of other addicts who routinely lie, lots of sex addicts will absolutely lie to have In sex with someone. You are this guy's high right now, but soon being with you will be boring. He'll need to cheat on you in order to get some novelty. In fact, if he's an addict, he's already on the phone and texting and chasing someone in addition to you. 

But OP, I think you're content. So good luck. 

Right now he is with his wife and not allowed to have any contact with me.  His wife read him the riot act and he is obeying her.  I'm just waiting to see when he attemps to make contact again as I am his drug.  I am assuming being he is a love/sex addict, it can't be too long.  I spoke to a mutual friend today who we had always played doubles with.  He told him he should not even text my name to him.  I think he agreed to have his wife monitor his emails, texts and phone calls.  I can't imagine living like that for any length of time.

[lovebuzz]

40 minutes ago, Eeejay said:

It was a disclaimer. He wanted it on record that this is his MO before embarking on this nonsense with you. He likes sex and validation outside of his marriage and has sought it out many times before, but he has never (and will never) choose to end his marriage or leave his wife. Those last two things are FACTS, lovebuzz - everything else is just conjecture coming from a person (you) with a significant bias. With this disclaimer in place, any stock you put in anything he says is YOUR fault and not his (in his mind). See?

In a weird way, that might be the ONLY honest thing he's given you - the rest of it? All the 'you're the only one of my many affairs (I'm cringing as I type this) that I consider a true affair because you're the only one I've cared about', 'would you be with me if I left my marriage' bunk is just that - bunk. It's called future faking - look it up. It's called that because that's what it is. Fake. Nothing more than words. Do some reading on this site - plenty of otherwise intelligent people fall for it because they're human, they're hearing what they desperately want to hear, they are flattered and they WANT to believe it's all true. That doesn't make it so.

If your therapist isn't in favor of you entertaining this whole thing, then I'd be interested to know what he/she says about it, because in my eyes (and many other posters here apparently), this is a situation you've gotten into as a form of unhealthy coping following the death of a husband you loved very much. For that, by the way, I truly am sorry.

My therapist just said she thinks he will try to continue the affair... that he wants his cake and eat it too.  Of course she doesn't think it is wise for me to entertain him should he return.  I know that as well.  It is just not easy for me because I really enjoy his company.

[larsen]

11 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

I think he agreed to have his wife monitor his emails, texts and phone calls.  I can't imagine living like that for any length of time.

I can't imagine waiting around for some guy to possibly stop obeying his wife and hoping he might become available again.

[lovebuzz]

1 minute ago, larsen said:

I can't imagine waiting around for some guy to possibly stop obeying his wife and hoping he might become available again.

I had nothing going on before him and I still have nothing going on as far as romance is concerned... so it doen't matter... wait or not wait.  I'm not giving up anything to wait for him.  I play tennis almost everyday, do some work, cook dinner, etc. and that is my day for the most part.

My point is as a love/sex addict, I'm sure he is going through withdrawal at this point and I'm wondering how long will he be able to put up with these restrictions.  He is probably suffering more than me.

[Girl Fade Away]

On 11/30/2021 at 6:22 AM, lovebuzz said:

"I am writing this final email to apologize for any misunderstanding between us that may have been caused by my issue, which I confided with you.

I love my wife very much, I don't want to be with anyone else. I plan to remain happily married to her for the rest of my life.

I will not be playing tennis with you in any way in the future.

Please respect my wishes and do not make any contact with me or my wife in any manner."

lovebuzz, how long has it been since you received this?  I asked this earlier but you didn't answer, have you heard from him at all since he sent it?

If you have not heard from him, how long before realizing he is not returning, another week, month, year?  

Edited December 2, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[lovebuzz]

48 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He confesses he's a sex addict, oh boy ... I know some recovering sex addicts. It's a big deal when they decide to tell someone of their issue. These folks I know tell people they are in recovery and they answer all questions, but only after things have gotten kinda serious but before sex. 

This guy's disclosure of sex addiction early on is what twisted people do. You start by admitting to the craziest most insane behavior--owning it--which means as you go along, you can pull the other person is even crazier, more insane behavior. He has set you up for zero accountability. He is owing you nothing. 

You are in for the ride of your life--and it ain't gonna be fun. Part of being a sex addiction is the chase. Sex (for lots of addicts) is actually not enjoyable. It's the chase. Sorta like gamblers don't need to win to sustain their compulsion, sex addicts just need to chase. And like other addicts, the chase over time brings less and less pleasure until things flip into the hell of addiction---the place  where you chase only to escape pain. Getting into happy territory is gone. You chase to escape pain and the relief becomes briefer and briefer. And the rest of their lives go to hell because they can't attend to the details of life. 

Just like lots of other addicts who routinely lie, lots of sex addicts will absolutely lie to have In sex with someone. You are this guy's high right now, but soon being with you will be boring. He'll need to cheat on you in order to get some novelty. In fact, if he's an addict, he's already on the phone and texting and chasing someone in addition to you. 

But OP, I think you're content. So good luck. 

Right now he is being monitored by his wife because she found out about me, so no he is not texting or chasing anyone.  His wife wants him to stay married.  She was freaking out when she found out.  I'm wondering how many times can she take him back after cheating?

I was pretty shocked when he told me he was a sex addict.  I didn't believe it at first, but then he said he had gone to 12 step programs for a couple of years and therapy.  I was also surprised he was telling me this.  He also told me his father was a serial cheater as well.  He told me a lot of personal things that most people would not share.  I was his confidant.  Not sure why he decided to make me his confidant, but he did.  That is what started the emotional side of the affair.  This went on for a while before any physical contact at all.  This is why I know he is in pain right now.  We had a deep emotional attachment and now we have no contact.  It is very painful.