MM tells me he has feelings for me

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

I do not plan to email, text or phone him.  

Excellent. Stay far away from him and his wife. Reach out to friends and family for support.

[RebeccaR]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Stay far away from him and his wife. Reach out to friends and family for support.

She doesn’t mention social media or driving near his home, or multiple other ways she can send “smoke signals”

[Gaeta]

How long do you intent on waiting for him?

[lovebuzz]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long do you intent on waiting for him?

Well, I am really not putting my life on hold now... doing the same things I have done before.

So, I am guessing, I should hear from him in January after the holidays.  By then his wife may have calmed down some and things should go back to the way they were for him at home before this all started.

 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, lovebuzz said:

  I just like to get what I want and don't mind doing whatever it takes.

Isn't that what we call being narcist.

[Theeisor]

[ ]  I think this person is a BS and is mimicking thoughts and attitude that a lot of us are familiar with. In the thick of an A, one does have irrational thoughts and some of us have done the “pick me” dance and have disregarded the implications and aftermath of what it does to the BS. Her point of view is that the woman who is seemingly trying to steal her husband has/had no regard to her feelings and marriage. The email is the perfect example- even though the MM has told her to fly a kite, there’s still that hope from the OW that she will win her MM with all these superficial illusions that she’s is somehow better than the wife and is so irresistible that he’s willing to leave a 38 year marriage. 
ANYONE who has been married knows that it’s never black and white and that the bond between 2 people who have shared a life together cannot easily be broken by a 63yo tennis partner

Edited December 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[spiderowl]

I can see that you will go for this, OP, if the opportunity arises. Do you not feel any fear about being confronted by his wife? Most people would feel rather anxious, even if they could justify to themselves what they were doing?

This thread is very reminiscent of a thread by iwantthisformyself. She was being more active in pursuing the MM but was similarly unconcerned about the possible impact on his wife.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

I am not a saint.  This is morally wrong.  You are correct.  My husband probably would not approve.   I am doing it because I want to. 

Morals actually vary quite a bit, and cheating is a much bigger deal to some than to others. While many if not most people in the world would say "of course it's bad" because it involves deception, there's actually plenty who do cheat when it comes to it. Of course there are also people, lots of them - 100's of millions in the world, who think eating a hamburger is a highly immoral act. That's fine - it's also their opinion.

I think if this was really against your morals, you wouldn't be doing it. (For example, you're not about to go murder someone right? THAT is against your morals.) But, actually that's not a big deal in a way. No sense in bending over backwards to suit other people's morals. I mean, you're not going to not eat cheese to suit the vegans, correct?

If I'm wrong and you are or will feel wracked with guilt by what you're doing, then by all means change course. But I suspect you don't really need to, not for the reason of morals anyhow.

A more sensible reason to give this up (IMO) is because it's just not very likely to work out.

Edited December 2, 2021 by mark clemson

[lovebuzz]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

A more sensible reason to give this up (IMO) is because it's just not very likely to work out.

So, if it doesn't work out at least I tried.  If I didn't try, I would never know if I could have made it happen.

[lovebuzz]

4 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Do you not feel any fear about being confronted by his wife?

No, I am not afraid about being confronted by his wife.  She rang my doorbell and I did not answer.  If I see her another time outside and she tries to talk to me, I would just say talk to your husband.

[lovebuzz]

4 hours ago, Theeisor said:

she’s is somehow better than the wife and is so irresistible that he’s willing to leave a 38 year marriage. 
ANYONE who has been married knows that it’s never black and white and that the bond between 2 people who have shared a life together cannot easily be broken

The MM is a love/sex addict.  The wife has been cheated on multiple times.  I am not saying that I am so irresistible, but I am attractive enough for him to want more.  I'm saying that the wife will eventually get tired of her husband cheating on her.  The reason I believe he will return is because of his addiction, not because I am irresistible.  Even people in long term marriages get divorced if the situation calls for it.  Multiple infidelities is IMO a situation that would call for a divorce.  The question is how many times will it take?  The bond is not easily broken.. that's why it takes catching him cheating many times before she decides to get a divorce.  Otherwise they would have been divorced a long time ago when she caught him the first time.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

No, I am not afraid about being confronted by his wife.  She rang my doorbell and I did not answer.  If I see her another time outside and she tries to talk to me, I would just say talk to your husband.

You lack imagination about what she could do.

Years ago, something like 30 years ago, my husband at the time and l had important marital problems. A woman working in a restaurant befriended him and l felt that was interfering so...l went to her place of work and in front of her colleagues and customers l let it all out very very loudly and she got fired. I am a very soft spoken person, l'm considered kind and level headed yet l did that. I'd be curious to see what a woman with a little more fire than l could do.

[lovebuzz]

On 12/2/2021 at 12:22 PM, mark clemson said:

A more sensible reason to give this up (IMO) is because it's just not very likely to work out.

I would like to know if it could happen rather than give up.  It's not like I would not date anyone else while I am waiting for him.  I'm free to date anyone... he is the one who has restrictions.  

 

On 12/2/2021 at 4:39 PM, Gaeta said:

You lack imagination about what she could do.

Years ago, something like 30 years ago, my husband at the time and l had important marital problems. A woman working in a restaurant befriended him and l felt that was interfering so...l went to her place of work and in front of her colleagues and customers l let it all out very very loudly and she got fired. I am a very soft spoken person, l'm considered kind and level headed yet l did that. I'd be curious to see what a woman with a little more fire than l could do.

I'm really not afraid of what she could do.  

 

On 12/2/2021 at 12:02 PM, spiderowl said:

Do you not feel any fear about being confronted by his wife?

Honestly, I have not fear of her confronting me.  I plan to avoid her if possible.  If it is impossible, I would just tell her to speak to her husband about it.

 

On 12/2/2021 at 11:37 AM, Theeisor said:

[ ]  I think this person is a BS and is mimicking thoughts and attitude that a lot of us are familiar with. In the thick of an A, one does have irrational thoughts and some of us have done the “pick me” dance and have disregarded the implications and aftermath of what it does to the BS. Her point of view is that the woman who is seemingly trying to steal her husband has/had no regard to her feelings and marriage. The email is the perfect example- even though the MM has told her to fly a kite, there’s still that hope from the OW that she will win her MM with all these superficial illusions that she’s is somehow better than the wife and is so irresistible that he’s willing to leave a 38 year marriage. 
ANYONE who has been married knows that it’s never black and white and that the bond between 2 people who have shared a life together cannot easily be broken by a 63yo tennis partner

Everyone I have spoke to think the email was written by the wife and he was forced to send it so she would not end the marriage.  If that is the case, then MM did not in fact tell me to fly a kite.  The reason I think he will be back is not because I am so irresistable to him, but is because he is not finished with me and wants more.  I do not think he will file for a divorce... what I think, is that she will after he continues to cheat on her and she has had enough.

 

On 12/2/2021 at 10:35 AM, Gaeta said:

Isn't that what we call being narcist.

Maybe it is.  But meanwhile I have done many good things in my life.  Those don't count?

 

On 12/2/2021 at 9:58 AM, RebeccaR said:

She doesn’t mention social media or driving near his home, or multiple other ways she can send “smoke signals”

I do not use social media and don't drive by his house.  His own mind is sending "smoke signals".  I don't need to do anything.

 

On 12/2/2021 at 9:57 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Stay far away from him and his wife. Reach out to friends and family for support.

I am not holding my breathe and have no problem not contacting him.  I never did to begin with and I am not about to start now.

 

On 12/2/2021 at 8:51 AM, RebeccaR said:

OP, in your first post you asked some questions. People gave you some answers, which you mainly responded didn’t apply in your situation. So what is the reason you’re continuing to post here? You don’t seem to require help or support. If you are looking for predictions, we don’t know you or him and we don’t have a crystal ball. You’ll benefit more by planning your next moves instead of being frustrated reading here.

I am noticing that for the most part the people on this site have differenct opinions than the people I speak to in real life.

 

On 12/2/2021 at 8:43 AM, anika99 said:

Many years ago when I was trapped in the cycle of an abusive relationship I stumbled across an essay on the internet that nearly knocked me over. The website is pretty much dead now, don't think it's had activity or been updated in over 10yrs but it's still online. I just went back and found that essay and hopefully I can post a link to it here. It's something every single woman who has been or who is in an affair or any other kind of toxic relationship. OP you come across as very flippant and shallow and lacking awareness so I'm not sure if you will get anything out of it but maybe some of the other posters here will so here is the link: 

 

[]

It is not that I think I am "so special", it is that this MM lacks self-control and will not be able to help himself.  

 

On 12/2/2021 at 7:56 AM, Girl Fade Away said:

After reading these latest posts from lovebuzz, I am beginning to think he is exactly what and who she needs him to be.  She just admitted to being a 'love addict' herself, this entire scenario plays into that perfectly!  

The longing, the uncertainty, the forbidden factor, all fuel to keep the fantasy, the passion, the fire burning.  I won't even judge her for it, she 100% owns her own dysfunction, it's obviously what she needs at least right now. 

I'm not a shrink but hurt people attract other hurt people, so lovebuzz, play it out.  It's obviously serving a purpose for you no matter how 'sick and twisted' it appears to any of us.

It's possible that IF he ever did leave his wife and were to settle into a comfortable 'normal' life with you, you may not find him quite so intriguing and appealing after all. 

That's half or perhaps even most of the attraction and appeal for you right now and even before the dumping message  -- the forbidden factor.   The uncertainty.  The LONGING.  

Take all that away and you might discover it's all a great big YAWN.

i respectfully disagree.  Take all that away, I  would still enjoy his company.

 

On 12/2/2021 at 7:58 AM, vla1120 said:

I really hope you are not getting too far ahead of yourself in this situation. I guess you're right about him being a distraction for you. I just hope you do not take this distraction to a level that leaves you hurt and confused. 

Thank you.  I think I will be okay... I can see his first choice is to remain married.

 

On 12/2/2021 at 8:03 AM, Gaeta said:

Ya but:

When you identify yourself as a 'love addict' you have to understand your addiction, you don't go thinking marriage, selling her house, buying a house with this man, changing neighborhood to accommodate him...She has no understanding of her 'love addiction'. 

I am not counting on those things... but should his wife decide to file for a divorce because of his constant cheating, it could come down to those things happening.

 

On 12/2/2021 at 7:53 AM, RebeccaR said:

gave her your personal information

What personal information are you referring to?  my contact info?  or something else?

[pepperbird2]

Personally, I don't see being just another notch as being very complimentary. It just means you're available, nothing more. There's a huge difference between being an attractive catch and just someone who is available and willing to put up with "jackassery", for lack of a better term.  I now you may resent me a lot for saying it, but to me, in spite of your trappings of confidence, you come off as someone who is actually quite lonely really in need of some actual  love-not just a couple of quickies, which is about all MM is good for.

OP, you sound intelligent, accomplished and like you have so much to offer. Why you're wasting it on a schlub like him makes no sense. I strongly predict that this time next year, (if you keep this up) you;ll be at home lonely and wondering where MM is , what he's doing and also who he's doing. If you're okay with that-great. Have at it. You may, however,  want to make sure you lay in a few cases of Kleenex and build a support system  for when the going gets tough.

[lovebuzz]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Personally, I don't see being just another notch as being very complimentary. It just means you're available, nothing more. There's a huge difference between being an attractive catch and just someone who is available and willing to put up with "jackassery", for lack of a better term.  I now you may resent me a lot for saying it, but to me, in spite of your trappings of confidence, you come off as someone who is actually quite lonely really in need of some actual  love-not just a couple of quickies, which is about all MM is good for.

OP, you sound intelligent, accomplished and like you have so much to offer. Why you're wasting it on a schlub like him makes no sense. I strongly predict that this time next year, (if you keep this up) you;ll be at home lonely and wondering where MM is , what he's doing and also who he's doing. If you're okay with that-great. Have at it. You may, however,  want to make sure you lay in a few cases of Kleenex and build a support system  for when the going gets tough.

I am also free to date anyone else, which is what I will do whenever i have the opportunity.  I am just planning to include him in one of the men I date and see how it goes.  If he does not treat me properly I will not see him anymore.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I am also free to date anyone else, which is what I will do whenever i have the opportunity.  I am just planning to include him in one of the men I date and see how it goes.  If he does not treat me properly I will not see him anymore.

You can't "include him" he and his wife told you in writing to stay away from them.

It seems you are lonely and afraid to date real single available men.

That's ok. When you are ready to stop fantasizing about this man, you'll be ready to start dating again.

[lovebuzz]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't "include him" he and his wife told you in writing to stay away from them.

It seems you are lonely and afraid to date real single available men.

That's ok. When you are ready to stop fantasizing about this man, you'll be ready to start dating again.

I will include him when he comes back to finish, which I (and everyone I've told in real life) am almost certain he will for the reasons I have already posted. 

It is a plan, not a fantsy.  

I am ready to date now if the opportunity arises.  

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't "include him" he and his wife told you in writing to stay away from them.

It seems you are lonely and afraid to date real single available men.

That's ok. When you are ready to stop fantasizing about this man, you'll be ready to start dating again.

I think  the OP may have a sense of false security here. She's making an awful lot of assumptions about him. As the saying goes-it's  her monkeys, her circus I guess.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

am ready to date now if the opportunity arises.  

Does anyone ask you out?

[lovebuzz]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Does anyone ask you out?

Yes, but so far I am not interested in any of them and declined. 

[stillafool]

On 12/4/2021 at 12:12 PM, lovebuzz said:

It is not that I think I am "so special", it is that this MM lacks self-control and will not be able to help himself.  

If you believe he lacks self control he'll cheat on you too the moment a better looking, younger woman walks by.  What a prize.

[lovebuzz]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you believe he lacks self control he'll cheat on you too the moment a better looking, younger woman walks by.  What a prize.

Probably

[Gail1165]

On 11/30/2021 at 9:22 AM, lovebuzz said:

I am new and so is my issue.  I am a single woman living in a house down the block from  MM.  He is 65, married 38 years with grown children and grandchildren.  We met playing tennis a few months ago.  It went from tennis partner to friendship/flirting and then to an emotional affair with no physical contact up until recently.  He offered to do some small jobs in my house.  One time his wife texted him while he was in my house and he texted her back and said that I am worried about her.  I don't know why he said that to his wife.  He told his wife he enjoys spending time with me.  I don't know why he said that to her either.  She immediately told him to not enter my home.  He told me he is a love and sex addict.  He cheated on his wife and got caught six years ago, went for counseling and stayed with her.  I asked him how he got caught and he told me that he told his wife about it.  He still came to my house to finish some work that he said he would do for me prior to her banning him from entering my house.  During that time he kissed me for the first time and it got heated.  He told me his wife found out he was in my house and he told his wife he kissed me.  The next day he told me his wife left him, wants a divorce because she had enough and was staying with a friend.  He asked me to dinner and later asked if he could come in. Again we had "almost sex".  The next day his wife returns and he told me she wants to reconcile and he "has to try to work things out", we can no longer have any contact and it is very painful.  Two days later he calls me to tell me his wife is upset and is coming to my house to talk to me.  He said he told his wife we just kissed but I decided to not answer the door.  During our phone conversation he told me he has feelings for me and is confused.  He said he would rather her file for a divorce than him because he feels guilty and doesn't want to hurt her.  The next day I get another email from him.  I have shown the email to my sisters and a friend and they are telling me that they think either his wife made him write it or his wife wrote it from his account without his knowledge.  This is the email:

"I am writing this final email to apologize for any misunderstanding between us that may have been caused by my issue, which I confided with you.

I love my wife very much, I don't want to be with anyone else. I plan to remain happily married to her for the rest of my life.

I will not be playing tennis with you in any way in the future.

Please respect my wishes and do not make any contact with me or my wife in any manner."

 

Naturally, I did not respond and do not plan to contact him.  Also, I have never had any contact with his wife although the tone of the email suggests otherwise.

Not sure if he wrote this email with or without coercion from his wife.  It seems unusual that one day he is telling me he has feelings for me and then the next day "I don't want to be with anyone else" and that "I plan to remain happily married to her for the rest of my life".

Also, is he telling his wife about me to attempt to get his wife so upset that she files for divorce?   I am not sure what is going on?

 

 

 

Most likely his wife either wrote that or sat down with bin and told him what to write. That's alot to deal with tho and seems as tho he and his wife are stuck in this cycle together. But 💯 his wife had something to do with that letter. I had one pretty much just like it. Was told later he had nothing to do with it but I think he knew about it. 

[Canadian Maple]

You can't force a grown man to write a letter. She may have said I want you to send this, but he chose to do it, or to allow her to do it. He is not a child. 

[lovebuzz]

20 hours ago, S2B said:

You are intent to get this man. To get his time and attention.

how would you have felt if another woman had been doing this to your husband while you two were married?

Of course I would not like it.. I have already admitted that I am wrong.

 

21 hours ago, Canadian Maple said:

You can't force a grown man to write a letter. She may have said I want you to send this, but he chose to do it, or to allow her to do it. He is not a child. 

I agree.  However from speaking to him prior,  he told me he agreed to see a therapist just to keep the peace in his home... so I believe he just agreed to send the email but did not necessarily mean all of its content.  He had also told me he was not allowed to enter my house, and then after a while, he did.

 

On 11/30/2021 at 10:05 AM, vla1120 said:

Oh boy. Are you falling for the deceit hook, line and sinker, or what? If you're that great a catch, why can't you attract an unattached man?

I can.  I just prefer this one.