I got used as a rebound guy and left in the dust - Why?

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/3/2021 at 9:13 AM, elpandillero said:

I know I am pushing it but I really need some form of answers to those questions....

But where do you expect you will get those answers?

She isn't going to provide them. We don't know her, and can't do anything but speculate.  Wanting answers does not mean you will get them in a way that makes it alright, OP. It sucks but it's part of processing a break-up. We sometimes never get answers that satisfy us. But as time goes on, that fixation on getting answers tends to fade. 

The biggest take-away is to be wary of people fresh out of relationships, despite what they tell you about being ready. It is often quite risky, especially when that person love-bombs you. That is very frequently a red flag. 

[FMW]

3 hours ago, elpandillero said:

i despise her from the bottom of my heart and will never understand how someone can be so lost and weak

Then wanting her to come back to you is only about your ego.  

It doesn't matter if you are (or at least judge yourself to be) "hotter, smarter, more ambitious".  Those aren't the determining factors for actually falling in love.  Love isn't an easy, logical formula.

She wasn't and isn't the woman for you or she would not have chosen to go back to her ex.  My guess is even if she did come back to you, you would always hold it against her for that choice, no matter how temporary it was.  And that would be understandable - it's highly unlikely to really come back from that kind of thing and have a happy relationship with that person.  

it's natural to need time to work through and get over breakups that are not your choice.  No matter how you fight against it emotionally, time is the only answer for moving on.  it's up to you how much time it takes - insisting on answers (none of which you would probably find acceptable even if you had them) is only going to lengthen the time you stay stuck on this.  

[gringoloco]

27 minutes ago, FMW said:

Then wanting her to come back to you is only about your ego.  

It doesn't matter if you are (or at least judge yourself to be) "hotter, smarter, more ambitious".  Those aren't the determining factors for actually falling in love.  Love isn't an easy, logical formula.

She wasn't and isn't the woman for you or she would not have chosen to go back to her ex.  My guess is even if she did come back to you, you would always hold it against her for that choice, no matter how temporary it was.  And that would be understandable - it's highly unlikely to really come back from that kind of thing and have a happy relationship with that person.  

it's natural to need time to work through and get over breakups that are not your choice.  No matter how you fight against it emotionally, time is the only answer for moving on.  it's up to you how much time it takes - insisting on answers (none of which you would probably find acceptable even if you had them) is only going to lengthen the time you stay stuck on this.  

it is partly due to my ego, but the other 50% is that somehow i put too much trust/faith in her.

The image I had of her was of someone balanced, in line with what I wanted in my life and we were alike in many aspects. I let that relationship move way too fast because i freakin liked her. I thought I had found the perfect match after all these trial and errors…It just seemed super natural. I am someone who doesn’t like having people around me, and she managed to spend a whole weekend with me and that weekend was amazing. I didn’t even want her to leave

All i have is the image of her face in my head, and the sound of her voice when she admitted her lies.

The brutality of this sudden change is really hard to swallow. It seems almost surreal

 

[gringoloco]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But where do you expect you will get those answers?

She isn't going to provide them. We don't know her, and can't do anything but speculate.  Wanting answers does not mean you will get them in a way that makes it alright, OP. It sucks but it's part of processing a break-up. We sometimes never get answers that satisfy us. But as time goes on, that fixation on getting answers tends to fade. 

The biggest take-away is to be wary of people fresh out of relationships, despite what they tell you about being ready. It is often quite risky, especially when that person love-bombs you. That is very frequently a red flag. 

thank you for finding the exact words

I have looked it up and indeed i was love bombed. It litterally fits what happened to me 200%

but i read it’s a manipulation technique, so don’t you believe she had some kind of personality disorder?

I mean the night before she left for her ex, she was texting me until 1 am with « i ll support you through anything » « i believe in destiny » « i really like you and want to spend time with you » etc….The kind of words people exchange when they are really starting to fall in love

That is so insane… 

I had a similar situation happen to me in the past but the girl was getting distant so i wasn’t even that suprised.

Here I am surprised and lost due to the brutality of the switch…She was able to hug and kiss me RIGHT BEFORE telling me she had lied… like who the hell does that???????

Edited December 5, 2021 by elpandillero

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, elpandillero said:

I mean the night before she left for her ex, she was texting me until 1 am with « i ll support you through anything » « i believe in destiny » « i really like you and want to spend time with you » etc….The kind of words people exchange when they are really starting to fall in love

That is so insane… 

I had a similar situation happen to me in the past but the girl was getting distant so i wasn’t even that suprised.

Here I am surprised and lost due to the brutality of the switch…She was able to hug and kiss me RIGHT BEFORE telling me she had lied… like who the hell does that???????

She was probably trying to convince herself that she actually felt for you the way she described in order to move on from her ex.  It failed and she went back.  She didn't mean the things she said to you.  I'm sorry she hurt you and yes you were love bombed.

[gringoloco]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

She was probably trying to convince herself that she actually felt for you the way she described in order to move on from her ex.  It failed and she went back.  She didn't mean the things she said to you.  I'm sorry she hurt you and yes you were love bombed.

my takeway is that she has some serious mental issues / personality disorder

i’ll tell myself that (and now I actually believe it after reading about love bombing) in order to try moving on faster

[stillafool]

Whatever helps.

[gringoloco]

On 12/6/2021 at 11:55 AM, stillafool said:

Whatever helps.

i was idealizing her as all  « nice and inoffensive » but i am realizing she must have been the crazy one in all this, not even her ex.

After all, she left him because: « her dog of 15 years died so she was in a bad mental place + they were more like « friends » than a couple » 

how is that even a reason to leave someone?

Edited December 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gendered insult

[Woggle]

She's his problem now. Just think of it that way. Also if they should split again and she comes around say no.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, elpandillero said:

but i read it’s a manipulation technique, so don’t you believe she had some kind of personality disorder?

No, there is nothing here to suggest a personality disorder. You're being too extreme there. 

A lot of people love-bomb without even realizing that's what they're doing. It's not always about purposeful manipulation. It depends on their intention, and I think it is far more likely she was just a typical rebounder who moved way too fast before reality slammed on the brakes. 

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, elpandillero said:

i was idealizing her as all  « nice and inoffensive » but i am realizing she must have been the crazy witch in all this, not even her ex.

After all, she left him because: « her dog of 15 years died so she was in a bad mental place + they were more like « friends » than a couple » 

how is that even a reason to leave someone?

She left him when she was no doubt overwhelmed with grief for her dog.
She did not leave him over years of resentment built up or because he cheated or he did not want to marry her... or some other pretty dire reason.

Once she left him, she no doubt missed him a lot.
Along comes you, you fill the space he previously occupied.
She treats you just like him, with the same love and care...
You feel wonderful, here is a woman you could love.
Quickly you become couple-ly, as that is what she had with him and she replicates it with you.
She also feels great, she is whole again.

Then she realises at some point, you are not him.
Here she met with her ex and suddenly she wants him back.
All she built up with you, falls like a house of cards as it was never actually built on real connection, real love...

This is why it is advisable to never get involved with people who are recently broken up.
They are not evil or mentally ill... they are just people who are caught up in a maelstrom of emotions trying to make sense of it all.


 

[gringoloco]

On 12/6/2021 at 9:34 PM, elaine567 said:

She left him when she was no doubt overwhelmed with grief for her dog.
She did not leave him over years of resentment built up or because he cheated or he did not want to marry her... or some other pretty dire reason.

Once she left him, she no doubt missed him a lot.
Along comes you, you fill the space he previously occupied.
She treats you just like him, with the same love and care...
You feel wonderful, here is a woman you could love.
Quickly you become couple-ly, as that is what she had with him and she replicates it with you.
She also feels great, she is whole again.

Then she realises at some point, you are not him.
Here she met with her ex and suddenly she wants him back.
All she built up with you, falls like a house of cards as it was never actually built on real connection, real love...

This is why it is advisable to never get involved with people who are recently broken up.
They are not evil or mentally ill... they are just people who are caught up in a maelstrom of emotions trying to make sense of it all.


 

This is the reason she gave me for the breakup… i will never know if it was true…

she still went and moved flats etc… 

as for the rest all you say is probably true

but i really feel like an object now. Someone who was just used, made her feel better, then dumped. It never happened to me before.

I was too attracted by her. She mesmerized me by how hot she was (yeah i might be shallow), how fluent the conversation was, how insane the sex was, all those moments looking into each other’s eyes…

I am really struggling to move on with my life at the moment

Edited December 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[gringoloco]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She left him when she was no doubt overwhelmed with grief for her dog.
She did not leave him over years of resentment built up or because he cheated or he did not want to marry her... or some other pretty dire reason.

Once she left him, she no doubt missed him a lot.
Along comes you, you fill the space he previously occupied.
She treats you just like him, with the same love and care...
You feel wonderful, here is a woman you could love.
Quickly you become couple-ly, as that is what she had with him and she replicates it with you.
She also feels great, she is whole again.

Then she realises at some point, you are not him.
Here she met with her ex and suddenly she wants him back.
All she built up with you, falls like a house of cards as it was never actually built on real connection, real love...

This is why it is advisable to never get involved with people who are recently broken up.
They are not evil or mentally ill... they are just people who are caught up in a maelstrom of emotions trying to make sense of it all.


 

Also despite all what you guys say, I can't feel but that there was some level of manipulation involved

Her ex was supposedly dating someone new and she kept mentioning that when she was talking about him (not often, like maybe 2/3 times over 6 weeks) and saying that she was "happy for him" and had "no problem with that".

I am wondering if she didn't use me to make him jealous and get him back. 

One evening we were out in a restaurant and she posted a story on instagram with my name on it. That's when they were supposed to be "mad at each other" because he wasn't replying to her anymore. The next day he sends her a text saying that he is sorry (she tells me about it). I'm 100% sure she did that on purpose to get a reaction from him.

Just like her going to take her belongings at his. Why did she still have stuff left there + why did she need to go get them NOW ? I assume it was just an excuse to see him/put pressure on him.

That is why I am also angry at her (and i clearly let her know that in my last and only text before i blocked her) - because I feel like she knew (at least partly) what she was doing all along.

There was also this day when she deactivated her instagram profile all of a sudden because she was spending "too much time on it". This was a few days before she went back to her ex. I am 100% sure it was a bullshit reason and she wanted either to make him think he had been blocked or she didn't want to keep looking at his profile. She reactivated it litterally 3 days after...

It's too easy to say "I m sorry I didnt want to hurt you". My guess is that she partly knew what she wanted to do.

And it shows in how she lied to me. If she had had any kind of respect for me, she wouldn't have lied to me on the phone for 20minutes straight, telling me she was "tired and maybe had covid and need to get tested" when I kept trying to pop by her place that evening after i felt something was of

Oh yeah, and I forgot: 3 days after she lied to me, all her pictures with her ex are miraculously back on her instagram....

It's tough because I wanted her, and all along she was just thinking about someone else. It's a kind of heartbreak I had never experienced before. I had never been lied to / cheated on 

[ExpatInItaly]

I know it hurts a lot, OP.

But if millions of people can get through it, you can, too. It is hard when you have no frame of reference for this sort of thing, but it does get better. You have to first stop over-analyzing everything, especially as it relates to her relationship with her ex. You have only bits and pieces of that story and have no real idea what went on between them. 

You then have to work towards acceptance. This wasn't the right match for you, no matter how flattered you felt by her attention. 

[gringoloco]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I know it hurts a lot, OP.

But if millions of people can get through it, you can, too. It is hard when you have no frame of reference for this sort of thing, but it does get better. You have to first stop over-analyzing everything, especially as it relates to her relationship with her ex. You have only bits and pieces of that story and have no real idea what went on between them. 

You then have to work towards acceptance. This wasn't the right match for you, no matter how flattered you felt by her attention. 

I can’t help but feel jealous of the ex, because he now gets the attention and care that made me feel so good 

as for her, i am mesmerized by how easily she can move on with her life

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, elpandillero said:

as for her, i am mesmerized by how easily she can move on with her life

The unfortunate reason for that is because she had never moved on from him to begin with. 

[gringoloco]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The unfortunate reason for that is because she had never moved on from him to begin with. 

This I am starting to understand now...

But then I don't know how she was able to "lie" to herself like that. How was she even able to sleep with me if she still loved him?

We were exchanging a flurry of sexual messages during the day, she seemed to always want to have sex with me, was very generous in bed and I could tell I was giving her a lot of pleasure too (she mentioned she only had 3 orgasms in her life and i was one of them)

Myself, when I was broken up with, I couldn't even imagine being with someone else for a good 6 months. I had no libido at all. 

That's one of the reasons I believed there was something. How can you be this physical with someone if you re thinking about someone else?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

How can you be this physical with someone if you re thinking about someone else?

It's actually not that hard, if you're also physically attracted to the person you're sleeping with. 

But your mistake is this: you're assuming that physical attraction = emotional attachment. And it doesn't, not in all cases for everyone. You also can't assume the way you react to a break-up is the way others do. She isn't you and everyone handles things differently. 

Edited December 6, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[gringoloco]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's actually not that hard, if you're also physically attracted to the person you're sleeping with. 

But your mistake is this: you're assuming that physical attraction = emotional attachment. And it doesn't, not in all cases for everyone. You also can't assume the way you react to a break-up is the way others do. She isn't you and everyone handles things differently. 

no I know it's not just the physical thing, 

but trust me she went hard on the " i really like you", " i m missing you" etc... actually last wednesday she was sending me texts saying how much she missed me and how much she wanted to see me that evening and how I should come and sleep with her. That was a day before going back to her ex... How I am supposed to process something so weird? 

I wish she at least had been distant in the days building up to this, but she did all the contrary

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, elpandillero said:

How I am supposed to process something so weird? 

By understanding that many people aren't as  logical as you wish they were, and don't understand themselves. 

We can wish people behaved differently or did XYZ, but that wishing gets us nowhere but unhealthy rumination. You have to take the initiative to redirect your thoughts, little by little, away from her and toward your own healing. 

Sure, she messed up. She did a lot of things she shouldn't have done. You can't change any of that. But now what are you going to do to help yourself move on? 

[gringoloco]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

By understanding that many people aren't as  logical as you wish they were, and don't understand themselves. 

We can wish people behaved differently or did XYZ, but that wishing gets us nowhere but unhealthy rumination. You have to take the initiative to redirect your thoughts, little by little, away from her and toward your own healing. 

Sure, she messed up. She did a lot of things she shouldn't have done. You can't change any of that. But now what are you going to do to help yourself move on? 

it’s a bit easy to just say « ok she didn’t know herself nor what she wanted »

to me there was at least some conscious manipulation going on to get her ex back. She was still texting him all along. That’s already disrespectful.

She told me herself, « i always get what i want » - i definitely trust her on that one now

Edited December 6, 2021 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, elpandillero said:

o me there was at least some conscious manipulation going on to get her ex back. She was still texting him all along. That’s already disrespectful.

Then that is on you for not ending it right then and there. 

You have agency in this too, OP. You ignored a couple red flags. 

[gringoloco]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then that is on you for not ending it right then and there. 

You have agency in this too, OP. You ignored a couple red flags. 

I am totally to blame too. Yes i saw some weird things. Such as that evening when she was scrolling through her phone to look for a video of me playing and i saw recent pictures of her and her ex (this was at the beginning). She tried to hid it but I noticed it.

she hid the communication from me obviously... She only disclosed it at the very beginning (I couldn't really tell her to stop talking to her ex after knowing her for 2 weeks, as they were supposed to be "friends"), and when she said that they "weren't friends anymore" after he stopped replying.

But my guess was she was constantly trying to get a response from him...such as when she posted instagram stories with my name on it...

I can't do anything for now anyway

The unfortunate thing is this is happening while I am trying to pass a very hard certification - the exam is in february - on top of my work, and I am struggling to work/study nowadays. She was always talking about it, even her friends knew i was doing it, and she "faked" being super supportive of my studies and trying to be arranging all the times. But know I am left unable to work due to her insanity.

I honestly can't exclude the fact that i might try to get her back or at least try to sleep with her in a few months down the road, once I am done with my exam.

I just feel like there will always be unfinished business on my side.

Edited December 6, 2021 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I honestly can't exclude the fact that i might try to get her back or at least try to sleep with her in a few months down the road, once I am done with my exam

But if she's back with her boyfriend, this isn't even an option for you. 

 

[gringoloco]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

But if she's back with her boyfriend, this isn't even an option for you. 

 

well she was able to lie to me / probably cheat on me, so I guess she can do that much more easily than what I thought of her... I don't think her having a boyfriend would be an obstacle then...