I got used as a rebound guy and left in the dust - Why?

[gringoloco]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're preaching to the choir with many of us here, OP. 

Many of us have been lied to in far worse ways than this. Deceived on a much greater level.  You are not the first person to go through this, and while I don't mean to minimize your pain, you have to keep perspective here. If the majority of us have lived to tell about it, you will too. 

It shapes our futures to the extent that we allow it to - or not. We process it. We move on. It's part of life. We will meet people who hurt us, people who adore us, people who will teach us something, and people we will wish we'd never met. They all get as much importance in our life as we permit. 

And for what it's worth, don't do this, either. She has a boyfriend again, and he isn't you. You don't have to like it, but you should respect the boundary she has drawn with you by breaking up with you. That means no coffees to rehash everything. 

 

yeah she has a boyfriend, the guy she was f**** with while she was supposed to be ill at home and didn’t want to infect me with covid 😂? 

she’s so pathetic and despicable honestly…i really don’t see how i could have an ounce of respect for her

 

Edited December 7, 2021 by elpandillero

[LynneVicious]

I’ve been in a similar situation. I’m sorry. It stinks bad. The good thing is, you will learn not to start relationships with people no matter if they say differently. She was only broken up for a few months out of a 2 year relationship. That is nowhere near enough time to process the end of that relationship. 

They may SAY they’re over them and truly think they’re ready for a new relationship, but they’re not. What happens is the new relationship (with you) is just an extension of their previous relationship. 

Rebound relationships are usually perfect, until they’re not. Next time, don’t begin a relationship with someone so fresh out of a long term relationship. No matter how much they insist they’re over that person. 

When your shock wears off and you are able to process this, you will see the signs how you were the rebound, yet unable to see it. It’s a very unhealthy dynamic to begin with. 

You’ll get over it and learn from your experience. And you’ll heal and find someone who will have all their attention on you, without someone else constantly on the back of your mind. 

Sorry, I know this hurts. 

[gringoloco]

12 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

I’ve been in a similar situation. I’m sorry. It stinks bad. The good thing is, you will learn not to start relationships with people no matter if they say differently. She was only broken up for a few months out of a 2 year relationship. That is nowhere near enough time to process the end of that relationship. 

They may SAY they’re over them and truly think they’re ready for a new relationship, but they’re not. What happens is the new relationship (with you) is just an extension of their previous relationship. 

Rebound relationships are usually perfect, until they’re not. Next time, don’t begin a relationship with someone so fresh out of a long term relationship. No matter how much they insist they’re over that person. 

When your shock wears off and you are able to process this, you will see the signs how you were the rebound, yet unable to see it. It’s a very unhealthy dynamic to begin with. 

You’ll get over it and learn from your experience. And you’ll heal and find someone who will have all their attention on you, without someone else constantly on the back of your mind. 

Sorry, I know this hurts. 

it does hurt, but i m getting into the stage where I am realizing what a piece of *** of a cheating liar she was, and hopefully this will kill any kind of sympathy i still had for her

[LynneVicious]

Anger is a stage of grief. It’s good to feel anger. When you’ve healed from this, you will see things you didn’t see before. 

Some people in her situation truly want to be over their ex and move on, but she wasn’t given enough time because she jumped into a relationship with you. 

Had you met her 6 months or a year later, it probably would have turned out differently. 

Also, she may be back. The same problems that caused them to break up in the first place will still be there. When they break up again, don’t be the fallback guy. 

[gringoloco]

1 minute ago, LynneVicious said:

Anger is a stage of grief. It’s good to feel anger. When you’ve healed from this, you will see things you didn’t see before. 

Some people in her situation truly want to be over their ex and move on, but she wasn’t given enough time because she jumped into a relationship with you. 

Had you met her 6 months or a year later, it probably would have turned out differently. 

Also, she may be back. The same problems that caused them to break up in the first place will still be there. When they break up again, don’t be the fallback guy. 

god forbid i would never take her back, she broke my trust forever

that’s the only regret i have i suppose, that i met her at the wrong time. But to be honest she’s a very good liar so she would have probably found a way of lying about some other stuff and it would have destroyed the relationship anyways …

[timble9]

8 hours ago, elpandillero said:

she didn't tell me anything outright

I know it s not my fault -  of course

but she was dishonest and literrally invaded my life, left stuff at my place, wanted me to be exclusive with her and to be her boyfriend, wanted to stop using condoms, etc..

Only to turn on me / lie to me as soon as she saw her ex

I really can't forgive that and it stops me from moving on

I mean you confronted her and she told you she had gone back to her ex so she came clean eventually.

When I confronted the girl I was with she told me she was just going through a rough patch and that after she went home to visit her family and friends (we live rurally) everything would be back to normal. After a month of being lead on and giving her space to sort her mind out I found out I was being lied to and she was fking her ex...

Not trying to say my situation was worse, just pointing out that these shitty things can happen to you no matter how great you are. 

At the end of the day though it doesn't matter that we can't forgive them and move on...because they have already moved on.

Just don't make the same mistake I did and obsess over it for longer than you need to (3 months after it ended in my case now) because you'll just end up getting more angry and upset. I started operating under the thought that when things inevitably fizzed out with her ex she would come back to me. Well I was right, things did inevitably fizzle out between them, but instead of coming back to me she monkey branched to another poor sucker that she'll probably do the exact same thing to.

Had I just accepted my situation for what it was (being a rebound and love bombed with literally no emotional connection on her part) I'd be in a much happier spot right now. 

Instead of trying to forgive her (which you say you cant) try forgiving yourself for not having the self-respect to walk away when you noticed all the red flags, that's what I'm trying to do and it seems to be working better than playing the victim does. 

[gringoloco]

27 minutes ago, timble9 said:

I mean you confronted her and she told you she had gone back to her ex so she came clean eventually.

When I confronted the girl I was with she told me she was just going through a rough patch and that after she went home to visit her family and friends (we live rurally) everything would be back to normal. After a month of being lead on and giving her space to sort her mind out I found out I was being lied to and she was fking her ex...

Not trying to say my situation was worse, just pointing out that these shitty things can happen to you no matter how great you are. 

At the end of the day though it doesn't matter that we can't forgive them and move on...because they have already moved on.

Just don't make the same mistake I did and obsess over it for longer than you need to (3 months after it ended in my case now) because you'll just end up getting more angry and upset. I started operating under the thought that when things inevitably fizzed out with her ex she would come back to me. Well I was right, things did inevitably fizzle out between them, but instead of coming back to me she monkey branched to another poor sucker that she'll probably do the exact same thing to.

Had I just accepted my situation for what it was (being a rebound and love bombed with literally no emotional connection on her part) I'd be in a much happier spot right now. 

Instead of trying to forgive her (which you say you cant) try forgiving yourself for not having the self-respect to walk away when you noticed all the red flags, that's what I'm trying to do and it seems to be working better than playing the victim does. 

yours was even worse that’s for sure

in any case idk how these people can live with themselves

to be honest i pity them as they are lost

mine kept saying that she was « ambitious » just like me and that it is what attracted her towards me… but she has never done anything by herself. Her parents were paying for everything. Guess she’s a good match for that loser of an ex she went back to.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, elpandillero said:

in any case idk how these people can live with themselves

Honestly, they usually march along just fine. 

They don't care that much, so while they may feel some guilt when they see the hurt they caused, they're able to shake it off pretty quickly. They've got ways of justifying their own behaviour to themselves and they're more focused on their own needs and feelings than anyone else's anyway. 

 

[gringoloco]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly, they usually march along just fine. 

They don't care that much, so while they may feel some guilt when they see the hurt they caused, they're able to shake it off pretty quickly. They've got ways of justifying their own behaviour to themselves and they're more focused on their own needs and feelings than anyone else's anyway. 

 

That must be pretty true

I have trouble letting go also due to the intensity of the physical bond we had, it was extremely physical, probably the best sex I ever had in my life (and i have had tons) and my libido was over the top. 

Now i just feel empty and jealous that someone else gets that.

I felt like she was taking A LOT of pleasure (and she was telling me stuff like she only had 3 orgasms in her life and i was one of them …) and that somehow it would make her stay for the foreseable future. She was sexting me litterally every single day and wanting me to come over all the time…

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, elpandillero said:

I have trouble letting go also due to the intensity of the physical bond we had, it was extremely physical, probably the best sex I ever had in my life (and i have had tons) and my libido was over the top.

This comes back to something I mentioned earlier, which is that physcial intensity does not necessarily equte to being in love and emotional attachment. 

I had great sexual experiences with an ex of mine. However, it was not enough to keep the relationship together. My feelings weren't there and I wasn't into him the way someone needs to be to sustain a relationship outside the bedroom. 

In lots of cases of successful relationships, a couple has both, such as I do with my current partner. The trouble with this particular situation is that this woman wasn't attached to you the way she was attached to her ex. So it follows that her feelings for him trump the sexual pleasure she experienced with you. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So it follows that her feelings for him trump the sexual pleasure she experienced with you. 

Also, she probably has good sex with her ex as well.  Women don't go back to guys who are bad in bed.  It rarely works that way.  As a matter of fact great sex can make a woman cling to a bad relationship because it's so hard for women to find.  If she is attached sexually and emotionally to her ex nothing will keep them apart.

Edited December 8, 2021 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, stillafool said:

Also, she probably has good sex with her ex as well.  

Likely, yes. 

 

[gringoloco]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Also, she probably has good sex with her ex as well.  Women don't go back to guys who are bad in bed.  It rarely works that way.  As a matter of fact great sex can make a woman cling to a bad relationship because it's so hard for women to find.  If she is attached sexually and emotionally to her ex nothing will keep them apart.

idk, i just feel she was quick to jump into someone else’s bed ….

one of her theoretical reasons for her breakup was that their were more « friends » than a « couple »

but anyways i am trying not to care anymore it’s not really going to change my life at this point

I am trying to accelerate the moving on process by getting with other girls but it’s not that easy because I saw a girl last week  and we went to my place but I wasn’t really able to do anything as i was still filled with sadness / stress

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, elpandillero said:

I saw a girl last week  and we went to my place but I wasn’t really able to do anything as i was still filled with sadness / stress

This is to be expected.  Don't rush the process.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I am trying to accelerate the moving on process by getting with other girls but it’s not that easy because I saw a girl last week  and we went to my place but I wasn’t really able to do anything as i was still filled with sadness / stress

Using others the way she "used" you is the answer? Stop careening through people's lives and causing harm to others. Keep your ego in check.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I am trying to accelerate the moving on process by getting with other girls but it’s not that easy because I saw a girl last week  and we went to my place but I wasn’t really able to do anything as i was still filled with sadness / stress

This is not a great approach to moving on. 

You need time to process the feelings without trying to snuff them out by getting with other people too fast. You're not ready to meet someone else yet, which is okay. Don't rush it. 

[gringoloco]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Using others the way she "used" you is the answer? Stop careening through people's lives and causing harm to others. Keep your ego in check.

no because this girl is a « sex friend » of mine . She knows i dont want anything serious. I ve been upfront with her from day 1, we just like to chill

[glows]

1 hour ago, elpandillero said:

I am trying to accelerate the moving on process by getting with other girls but it’s not that easy because I saw a girl last week  and we went to my place but I wasn’t really able to do anything as i was still filled with sadness / stress

Maybe do something unrelated to dating. Take up a hobby and take your mind off of this. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, elpandillero said:

no because this girl is a « sex friend » of mine . She knows i dont want anything serious. I ve been upfront with her from day 1, we just like to chill

So it's ok for you to have a corral of sex buddies around, but she legitimately reconciles with an ex, informs you of this and you're flipping out?

[gringoloco]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So it's ok for you to have a corral of sex buddies around, but she legitimately reconciles with an ex, informs you of this and you're flipping out?

nah, here is what happened:

- 1/ she lied to me about what she was doing that evening, had sex with her ex (and even had the nerves to lie about doing so), and THEN the next morning told me she still had feelings for him while crying

- 2/ do you seriously believe i talk to those girls if i m in a committed relationship? no way i wouldn’t even answer

 

Edited December 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[flitzanu]

so if these girls that you're having sex with want a relationship with you and are only sleeping with you hoping you will change your mind, that's ok and not manipulating their feelings to get what you want = sex?

this isn't judgment for it, i'm just hoping that you might see some similarity and perspective here in what you are accusiing your ex of doing vs what you are doing to other women.

people hurt each other all the time, and it's highly likely that if a female friend of yours is willing to have sex with you on the regular and you have no intent on dating her, then you are quite literally "hurting her feelings intentionally" - which it seems like that's what you're accusing your ex of doing, is hurting you "intentionally" with her actions 

[gringoloco]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

so if these girls that you're having sex with want a relationship with you and are only sleeping with you hoping you will change your mind, that's ok and not manipulating their feelings to get what you want = sex?

this isn't judgment for it, i'm just hoping that you might see some similarity and perspective here in what you are accusiing your ex of doing vs what you are doing to other women.

people hurt each other all the time, and it's highly likely that if a female friend of yours is willing to have sex with you on the regular and you have no intent on dating her, then you are quite literally "hurting her feelings intentionally" - which it seems like that's what you're accusing your ex of doing, is hurting you "intentionally" with her actions 

I’m not hurting anyone s feelings since i told her from day 1 i dont want a relationship. We were never exclusive. She has sex with other guys if she wants, i dont care

The difference is this recent girl i was involved with rushed me into a relationship. she wanted us to be exclusive, use no condoms, be boyfriend/girlfriend etc in the space of 6 damn weeks… i felt all along something was of i should just have listened to my inner voice which happens to always be right it seems

Edited December 9, 2021 by elpandillero

[gringoloco]

thanks everyone for the help,

I was feeling better today, and my motivation is starting to come back

I  am starting to see things for what they were.

All the flattering and the « you are amazing » « i really like you » etc lost it’s meaning. Those are just empty words to my ears now. I don’t really have any meaningful memories of this brief stunt, I just like to think it was all a big scam.

Yeah the sex was good, at least i got that.

I am happy that I didn’t reach out to her when i was at my worst, and I never will. 

I know it might not be a straight line from here but I definitely feel like something has switched in my brain and the drug withdrawal is almost over 🙂

[timble9]

1 hour ago, elpandillero said:

thanks everyone for the help,

I was feeling better today, and my motivation is starting to come back

I  am starting to see things for what they were.

All the flattering and the « you are amazing » « i really like you » etc lost it’s meaning. Those are just empty words to my ears now. I don’t really have any meaningful memories of this brief stunt, I just like to think it was all a big scam.

Yeah the sex was good, at least i got that.

I am happy that I didn’t reach out to her when i was at my worst, and I never will. 

I know it might not be a straight line from here but I definitely feel like something has switched in my brain and the drug withdrawal is almost over 🙂

Good job dude, I think you were just making it a whole lot more of a big deal than it was like I did, because your ego was hurt.

I've come to accept that was the case for me. It's hard having someone "love bomb" you, making you think you're real special for someone to fall as hard as they did within such a short time frame, then go stone cold and then find out that they went back to someone else. I remember initially thinking - if their relationship fell apart, I must have been pretty terrible for her to get driven straight back to the other guy. 

This made me feel like he had something I didn't and that I wasn't good enough for her. But then as you describe "having something switch inside your brain", I had that moment too and that's why I think it just comes down to an ego thing. If we really had true feelings for them then they wouldn't be able to switch off like this, but I think we just finally subconsciously realized that this wasn't about us They had their own issues/insecurities with regards to their recent break-ups and we unfortunately just got dragged into it. But it's not entirely their fault because we decided to ignore the red flags.

I felt my girl was coming on far too strong and moving things too quickly than I was comfortable with, but I was scared of "rejecting her" by trying to slow things down. I've learnt that I need to have stronger boundaries when the next one comes along! 

[gringoloco]

37 minutes ago, timble9 said:

Good job dude, I think you were just making it a whole lot more of a big deal than it was like I did, because your ego was hurt.

I've come to accept that was the case for me. It's hard having someone "love bomb" you, making you think you're real special for someone to fall as hard as they did within such a short time frame, then go stone cold and then find out that they went back to someone else. I remember initially thinking - if their relationship fell apart, I must have been pretty terrible for her to get driven straight back to the other guy. 

This made me feel like he had something I didn't and that I wasn't good enough for her. But then as you describe "having something switch inside your brain", I had that moment too and that's why I think it just comes down to an ego thing. If we really had true feelings for them then they wouldn't be able to switch off like this, but I think we just finally subconsciously realized that this wasn't about us They had their own issues/insecurities with regards to their recent break-ups and we unfortunately just got dragged into it. But it's not entirely their fault because we decided to ignore the red flags.

I felt my girl was coming on far too strong and moving things too quickly than I was comfortable with, but I was scared of "rejecting her" by trying to slow things down. I've learnt that I need to have stronger boundaries when the next one comes along! 

yes very true

it was a weird time for me too because i m currently studying for an exam on top of my work with very little free time, and when i came across her it seemed like she was some light in a moment that was pretty draining mentally. 

I saw all the red flags but probably didn’t want to care as it felt good having a hot girl telling you how smart handsome and talented you are all day, as well as giving you a LOT of affection. 

But yes it was way too quick, and the fact that she was still friends with her ex 2 months after they broke up was a major red flag i shouldn t have ignored.

I kind of hate myself a bit because somehow i knew it was going to end like this. I knew that she wanted to go get her stuff from his place only to see him and that there was a good 50% chance she would relapse when she would see him. 

I actually found out who the guy is, and yes you tend to feel jealous/not able to understand if you see that the guy is clearly not better looking, less ambitious, coming from a rich family with no drive to do something on its own …. yeah it hurts because she kept repeating she precisely liked all those qualities in me.

But I stopped asking myself questions because there won’t be a logical answer. When my ex of 3 years left me, I couldn’t be with someone else for a good year. I was only doing hookups because I knew I couldn’t do anything else.

I believe she was just pretty immature / a bit lost, and wasn’t able to realize this (+ wanted to make her ex jealous) and although I won’t forgive her for lying and cheating, I tend to care less and less as days go by and refocus on myself instead.

Edited December 10, 2021 by elpandillero