ExpatInItaly Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 13 hours ago, elpandillero said: although I won’t forgive her for lying and cheating, I tend to care less and less as days go by and refocus on myself instead. This is much better. A few months from now, this chick will be a blip on your radar. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 18 hours ago, elpandillero said: thanks everyone for the help, I was feeling better today, and my motivation is starting to come back I am starting to see things for what they were. All the flattering and the « you are amazing » « i really like you » etc lost it’s meaning. Those are just empty words to my ears now. I don’t really have any meaningful memories of this brief stunt, I just like to think it was all a big scam. Yeah the sex was good, at least i got that. I am happy that I didn’t reach out to her when i was at my worst, and I never will. I know it might not be a straight line from here but I definitely feel like something has switched in my brain and the drug withdrawal is almost over 🙂 Good to hear. Let go of all that bitterness. I agree about not reaching out. Move on and stay busy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 10, 2021 Author Share Posted December 10, 2021 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is much better. A few months from now, this chick will be a blip on your radar. i wish! i m not there yet i believe i hadn’t been this close/affectionate with someone in a long time, so it did hurt pretty badly to feel betrayed like that because i usually don’t easily let people in my life Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 2 hours ago, elpandillero said: i wish! i m not there yet i believe i hadn’t been this close/affectionate with someone in a long time, so it did hurt pretty badly to feel betrayed like that because i usually don’t easily let people in my life Well, of course not. It's still very fresh. Give yourself time, and be patient with your healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 10, 2021 Author Share Posted December 10, 2021 42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Well, of course not. It's still very fresh. Give yourself time, and be patient with your healing. The thing that is stressing me more than usual is that i have this certification i ve been working on on top of my work since august. I was really into it, used to wake up at 5am to study in the mornings and I was working all saturday + sunday. Since what happened with this girl, I am struggling to get back at it. The exam is in end of february and it’s really important to me that I pass. It would massively boost my career and the cost of opportunity is high because you re pretty much pausing your social life to study for it. I can’t let her destroy that It would really anihilate me. That’s why I really want to move on asap 😕 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 12, 2021 Author Share Posted December 12, 2021 the other thing i m wondering is whether i should apologize for the harsh words i had via text right after she left my house i basically used some thing she had told me about her while we were dating to throw it back in her face because i just wanted to hurt her. But maybe she didn’t even care I don’t know…3 days later all her pictures with her ex were back so I guess she didn’t think about it for too long… i was feeling extremely bad that day and honestly had hope that nothing had happened so when she told me she had lied and went to her ex that evening (and still denied they had sex but i m 99% sure they did otherwise she wouldn’t have proactively said that « nothing happened » and that « she never cheated on me » while crying…) my brain just collapsed for a few hours. I just thought it was too easy to throw that at my face and expect me to be happy about it and give my benediction…i don’t know what kind of reaction she expected from me to be honest after saying that… Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 12, 2021 Share Posted December 12, 2021 58 minutes ago, elpandillero said: the other thing i m wondering is whether i should apologize for the harsh words i had via text right after she left my house No Contact is best. Stop chasing her. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 12, 2021 Share Posted December 12, 2021 1 hour ago, elpandillero said: the other thing i m wondering is whether i should apologize for the harsh words i had via text right after she left my house No, just leave it be. She likely isn't that bothered by it since she's focused on her boyfriend again, anyway. Sure, it probably wasn't fun to hear those words in the moment but I doubt she is losing sleep over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 12, 2021 Author Share Posted December 12, 2021 10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: No, just leave it be. She likely isn't that bothered by it since she's focused on her boyfriend again, anyway. Sure, it probably wasn't fun to hear those words in the moment but I doubt she is losing sleep over it. ok, my guess too.. she is focused on him just mike she probably was the whole time she was with me the thing is i can’t help but wonder what he has that i don’t, and it’s not making me feel great about myself… Almost like you have to be manipulative / not care at all to win the girl in the end 😕 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 12, 2021 Share Posted December 12, 2021 1 minute ago, elpandillero said: Almost like you have to be manipulative / not care at all to win the girl in the end 😕 This is not true at all. But you do need to steer clear of women fresh out of relationships. It is too risky of a gamble with your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 12, 2021 Author Share Posted December 12, 2021 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is not true at all. But you do need to steer clear of women fresh out of relationships. It is too risky of a gamble with your heart. i had that in mind from the beginning but since she wasn’t talking about him that much (which some girls i met did) and she was supposed to have initiated the break, i told myself that maybe this could work Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 12, 2021 Share Posted December 12, 2021 1 minute ago, elpandillero said: what he has that i don’t It's not about you not measuring up to him in any qualitative way. She never got over him, so no matter how awesome you are, it wasn't going to work out. She wasn't available to really open her heart to anyone else, no matter how much she wanted to believe she was, no matter how great she thought you were. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 12, 2021 Share Posted December 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, elpandillero said: i had that in mind from the beginning but since she wasn’t talking about him that much (which some girls i met did) and she was supposed to have initiated the break, i told myself that maybe this could work Unforuantely, that turned out to be incorrect. But rather than beat yourself up or assume you need to be uncaring, take it as a lesson to trust your insticts when they're trying to tell you to be more careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 12, 2021 Author Share Posted December 12, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, FMW said: It's not about you not measuring up to him in any qualitative way. She never got over him, so no matter how awesome you are, it wasn't going to work out. She wasn't available to really open her heart to anyone else, no matter how much she wanted to believe she was, no matter how great she thought you were. that’s why it’s so tough, because I actually thought she was opening up to me through the conversations / affectionate moments we had, the fact that she was talking about me to everyone including her parents.. i sure opened up to her and should never have… Edited December 12, 2021 by elpandillero Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 12, 2021 Author Share Posted December 12, 2021 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: No Contact is best. Stop chasing her. I never contacted her again since the breakup and that angry text i sent her after she left my house. She’s blocked everywhere Truth is, idk what kind of reaction she expected from me after revealing all those lies. I just couldn’t remain calm it was too much to take. I can’t even believe she had the nerves to ask for a « goodbye » when she was on my doorsteps. I obviously refused. Yeah she didn’t want to look like the villain, but you have got to be accountable for the crap you do to people. I couldn’t just sit there and listen to her confession and then forgive her as if i was jesus… Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 12, 2021 Share Posted December 12, 2021 21 minutes ago, elpandillero said: couldn’t just sit there and listen to her confession and then forgive her as if i was jesus… I highly doubt she expected you to, OP. I don't know who would. But in the end, your reaction to this news wasn't her focus anyway. She likely hasn't given it much thought since that day, if we're being realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 12, 2021 Author Share Posted December 12, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I highly doubt she expected you to, OP. I don't know who would. But in the end, your reaction to this news wasn't her focus anyway. She likely hasn't given it much thought since that day, if we're being realistic. yeah and that’s why I have to realize I was attached to someone who wasn’t who i thought they were at all In the end she has very low moral standards, and i thought the complete opposite when i met her - makes me wonder if I can gauge people at all … I was so naive as for her reaction, she was crying a lot while i didnt display any emotion apart from anger, but it was mostly her guilt speaking i guess Edited December 12, 2021 by elpandillero Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 12, 2021 Share Posted December 12, 2021 1 minute ago, elpandillero said: n the end she has very low moral standards, and i thought the complete opposite when i met her And that's the crux of it - we don't know who we are dealing with when we first meet. Anyone can seem like they have good morals at the beginning. It's only over a period of time that we actually learn whether they do or not. 6-8 weeks is not really long enough to assume you know a person. We can proceed if we have a good impression of course, but we need to pay attention to red flags as well. And there were a couple of those here. Next time, don't overlook them in favour of fun sex or feeling flattered by someone's attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 13, 2021 Author Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Lexmar said: Just because someone (possibly unknowingly at the time) gets involved in a rebound relationship with a person and then subsequently later on realizes they still want to reconcile with their ex- doesn't mean they have "low moral standards". You can disparage her all you want to make yourself feel better about everything but that's not the least bit true. You could have been right about her from the start, she could be a great person, and a wonderful relationship partner, and she just might be- to her ex who is now her current boyfriend. It's all about the timing. I doubt he feels the same way that you do about her. yeah but no since she cheated on me and openly lied to me on the phone for 20min straight pretending to be ill while she was at her ex… otherwise what you said could have been true yes As i said that kind of situation already happened to me and the girl was getting distant and I wasn’t even surprised in the end. She never tried to push an exclusive relationship nor used me to get her ex back by posting instagram stories with my name on it… I really don’t see how you can justify any of her actions there are ways to reconcile with your ex that don’t involve lying/cheating Edited December 13, 2021 by elpandillero Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 13, 2021 Author Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) honestly it’s beyond me how you could justify cheating/lying any cheater = low moral standards to me Plus if she can lie like this that means she can do the same with her ex. Also idk how he feels about her jumping in bed as quickly with someone else… You need some serious skills to lie like she did, you should have heard it it was like the actor’s studio…she even used the fact that i am taking an immunosuppressant to pretend she was afraid of passing me Covid … then kissed me the next morning 🤦♂️ Edited December 13, 2021 by elpandillero Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 50 minutes ago, elpandillero said: …she even used the fact that i am taking an immunosuppressant to pretend she was afraid of passing me Covid … Why are you on those and why is it suddenly evil that she seemed concerned at the time? Sour grapes is a common way to cope with things, however your indignation seems disproportionate to this brief dating situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 13, 2021 Author Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Why are you on those and why is it suddenly evil that she seemed concerned at the time? Sour grapes is a common way to cope with things, however your indignation seems disproportionate to this brief dating situation. I have a chronic disease I have no issue with her being concerned (on the contrary) but the issue is I was trying to get to her place that evening and she pretended that she was feeling ill and absolutely didn't want to "pass me covid". All in all it was just an excuse to avoid having me come to her place (I told her mutliple times it didn't matter since I am vaccinated and i was ok seeing her) but when I started really insisting she was like "I have a headache I am gonna go to bed" - while in fact she went to her ex that evening (she admitted it the next day but still had the nerves to say that "nothing happened" ............) The next day she kissed me and stayed at my place for 2 hours. If she had really been concerned with my safety she wouldn't have done that. Honestly that's quite disgusting....she should have just been honest and tell me the truth It's really the lying / cheating part that made me the more upset, I could have understood if she had told me that evening that she wasn't sure about us or wasn't ready to be in a relationship since she still had lingering feelings for her ex... Edited December 13, 2021 by elpandillero Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 2 minutes ago, elpandillero said: it was just an excuse to avoid having me come to her place It seems since you were not compatible, she went back to her ex, perhaps thinking it was a mistake after dating you. It happens. Unfortunately you seem to be blowing this way out of proportion and overanalyzing every single thing. Sometimes people use the " not feeling well" excuse to get some downtime or alone time. It's not the end of the world. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gringoloco Posted December 13, 2021 Author Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It seems since you were not compatible, she went back to her ex, perhaps thinking it was a mistake after dating you. It happens. Unfortunately you seem to be blowing this way out of proportion and overanalyzing every single thing. Sometimes people use the " not feeling well" excuse to get some downtime or alone time. It's not the end of the world. Yeah but she used it to go to her ex not have some "downtime" Ok let's just say cheating is not the end of the world, what a shitty world it is then And if we weren't compatible then why was she telling me the day before that she "missed me" "wanted me to come over" and "she really liked me so wanted to spend more time with me"? It's not that I am blowing this out of proportions it's that I really liked her and thought it was the same on her side so the way it ended hurt me a lot cause it wasn't super fair to me Edited December 13, 2021 by elpandillero Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) Talk to your therapist about "catastrophizing" Edited December 13, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
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