I got used as a rebound guy and left in the dust - Why?

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

well she was able to lie to me / probably cheat on me, so I guess she can do that much more easily than what I thought of her... I don't think her having a boyfriend would be an obstacle then... 

Why would you want to sink to that level? 

Don't be surprised if she turns you down. She has a lot more emotional attachment to him than to you, so it's quite presumptuous to assume she would risk it for you. Your ego would take an even bigger hit when she rejects you. 

[gringoloco]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why would you want to sink to that level? 

Don't be surprised if she turns you down. She has a lot more emotional attachment to him than to you, so it's quite presumptuous to assume she would risk it for you. Your ego would take an even bigger hit when she rejects you. 

I know, but I am just frustrated that she didn't let me enough time to develop that emotional attachment. I'm 100% sure it would have worked over time, and we could have reached that level, because we were alike on many topics. It's not always the case, but with her I really feel that way.

I just have regrets regarding this, that I didn't get enough time to create a strong bond

Otherwise I just have to wait for her to breakup but I wouldn't even be aware if she did since i removed her from all my social apps... hence the idea of sending a text a few months down the line... we work nearby

Edited December 6, 2021 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I know, but I am just frustrated that she didn't let me enough time to develop that emotional attachment. I'm 100% sure it would have worked over time, and we could have reached that level, because we were alike on many topics. It's not always the case, but with her I really feel that way.

She doesn't owe you that. It's not about her giving you enough time, anyway. It's about her feelings too, and knowing this wasn't right for her. 

You're going to have a very hard time with dating if you can't accept that people sometimes have a change of heart, OP. It happens. You can't make someone want to be with you, just as you can't be 100% sure this would have worked out in the end. You cannot predict the future like that; nobody can.  Clearly it wasn't going to work for her, so you have to stop framing this as a missed opportunity that somehow just needed more time. 

It would not have been better for her to stay and string you along when her ex was on her mind that much. 

 

[gringoloco]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

She doesn't owe you that. It's not about her giving you enough time, anyway. It's about her feelings too, and knowing this wasn't right for her. 

You're going to have a very hard time with dating if you can't accept that people sometimes have a change of heart, OP. It happens. You can't make someone want to be with you, just as you can't be 100% sure this would have worked out in the end. You cannot predict the future like that; nobody can.  Clearly it wasn't going to work for her, so you have to stop framing this as a missed opportunity that somehow just needed more time. 

It would not have been better for her to stay and string you along when her ex was on her mind that much. 

 

Yes, I understand 100% she had her ex on her mind ... actually it would have been great and would have saved me a lot of time had she been honest about it from the start...

We go back to the same issue which is that she was able to "sext" me all night and tell me she would "support me through anything" on the eve of going back to her ex...I wasn't the one using those sentences.

Gosh she even hugged me and kissed me before telling me she had lied ... and asked for a "goodbye" while she was crying and about to leave ...

I mean, I understand some people can say it's her choice, she felt it wasn't fair to me, etc... But really how can you play with people like that? that's so manipulative/immature/theatrical. does she think that life is a movie or something? 

 

[glows]

For 8 weeks let it go. What she is or what she did while knowing you was disingenuous and you picked up on red flags and issues along the way. You also have 20/20 in hindsight. You know plenty of people go through this with relationships or marriages lasting decades, having the wool pulled over their eyes or being disappointed. You were only dating for 8 weeks. It's better to put this in perspective.

Ironically while you dislike what she did to you, you still seem to think that you both had a shot. Pay attention when someone uses like this the first time whether out of manipulation or for her own sense of security, as a rebound or in lying to you. 

I would not contact her again. Learn your lesson the first time and accept that this is who she is. She could have done any other number of things and been more honest. She wasn't. Don't compare yourself to her boyfriend or ex. They may be perfectly matched in their flaws or the way they treat others. Meet other women when you're ready and let go.

2 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I know, but I am just frustrated that she didn't let me enough time to develop that emotional attachment. I'm 100% sure it would have worked over time, and we could have reached that level, because we were alike on many topics. It's not always the case, but with her I really feel that way.

I just have regrets regarding this, that I didn't get enough time to create a strong bond

Otherwise I just have to wait for her to breakup but I wouldn't even be aware if she did since i removed her from all my social apps... hence the idea of sending a text a few months down the line... we work nearby

 

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, glows said:

For 8 weeks let it go. What she is or what she did while knowing you was disingenuous and you picked up on red flags and issues along the way. You also have 20/20 in hindsight. You know plenty of people go through this with relationships or marriages lasting decades, having the wool pulled over their eyes or being disappointed. You were only dating for 8 weeks. It's better to put this in perspective.

Ironically while you dislike what she did to you, you still seem to think that you both had a shot. Pay attention when someone uses like this the first time whether out of manipulation or for her own sense of security, as a rebound or in lying to you. 

I would not contact her again. Learn your lesson the first time and accept that this is who she is. She could have done any other number of things and been more honest. She wasn't. Don't compare yourself to her boyfriend or ex. They may be perfectly matched in their flaws or the way they treat others. Meet other women when you're ready and let go.

 

I agree with you that she was disingenuous and used me to some extent, while most people seem to believe she had no intent of doing what she did... I find it a little bit too easy to say that she didn't know what she was doing at all and just "listened to her heart".

All she could say while she was crying and I told her to leave was "I'm sorry I didn't want to hurt you" as if I was some kind of puppy needing consolation. This made me even more upset. 

Yeah she didn't want to hurt me but she managed to invade my life, showcase me to everyone, and text me frenetically every single damn day before going to her ex.

You can't tell me this isn't a tad manipulative....

And you are right I thought she was very different from the image of her I saw on the last day. I thought she was well educated and nice, with high morals - as she was always displaying that big seductive smile - but now I am realizing that she was probably only looking after her own interest in most life situations. Her parents were very rich and she didn't really have to work for the things she got in her life, and somehow I am pretty sure she is used to always getting what she want whatever the consequences on others.

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

You seem to be very stuck on labeling her behaviour as manipulative. 

How does it help you to try to get others to agree with you on that? Let's say everyone says you're right, that she is manipulative. 

Then what?

Edited December 6, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[glows]

1 hour ago, elpandillero said:

I agree with you that she was disingenuous and used me to some extent, while most people seem to believe she had no intent of doing what she did... I find it a little bit too easy to say that she didn't know what she was doing at all and just "listened to her heart".

All she could say while she was crying and I told her to leave was "I'm sorry I didn't want to hurt you" as if I was some kind of puppy needing consolation. This made me even more upset. 

Yeah she didn't want to hurt me but she managed to invade my life, showcase me to everyone, and text me frenetically every single damn day before going to her ex.

You can't tell me this isn't a tad manipulative....

And you are right I thought she was very different from the image of her I saw on the last day. I thought she was well educated and nice, with high morals - as she was always displaying that big seductive smile - but now I am realizing that she was probably only looking after her own interest in most life situations. Her parents were very rich and she didn't really have to work for the things she got in her life, and somehow I am pretty sure she is used to always getting what she want whatever the consequences on others.

 

You don't even sound like you like her. This is not a good basis to ever get in contact with someone. You have to like them on a base level. I'm a strong believer in listening to your instincts. You do not have to ever prove that to anyone, not even to yourself. If you feel that she wasn't upfront enough with you or manipulative, then so be it. And someone who texts frenetically would be more comically mismatched to someone who doesn't. Rest assured you are now in a better place than before.

Whatever her background is she's just not your kind of woman so rejoice and be merry. She is completely out of your hair and it would be good to keep it that way.

[gringoloco]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You seem to be very stuck on labeling her behaviour as manipulative. 

How does it help you to try to get others to agree with you on that? Let's say everyone says you're right, that she is manipulative. 

Then what?

Because I am angry that someone could have this type of behavior and get away with it

It's just too easy. Acts have consequences. 

Honestly I swear that if she had been distant and slowly retreating, I wouldn't even hold any grudge against her. Everybody can make mistakes.

What I can't tolerate is outright lies - among the pile of disgusting stuff she invented to avoid seeing me while I was trying to get to her place she used the fact that I am taking an immunosupressant against me by saying I would be at risk if she was meeting me that night. She was too good at lying, and turned on me like an enemy would in the space of a day. You can't do that to someone you respect. Actually you can't even do that another human being.

Hence my conclusion: she was seriously deranged and selfish/manipulative in her behavior.

That's why I have a hard time listening to people saying everything was fine with her and she just made a mistake....

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by elpandillero

[gringoloco]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

You don't even sound like you like her. This is not a good basis to ever get in contact with someone. You have to like them on a base level. I'm a strong believer in listening to your instincts. You do not have to ever prove that to anyone, not even to yourself. If you feel that she wasn't upfront enough with you or manipulative, then so be it. And someone who texts frenetically would be more comically mismatched to someone who doesn't. Rest assured you are now in a better place than before.

Whatever her background is she's just not your kind of woman so rejoice and be merry. She is completely out of your hair and it would be good to keep it that way.

I liked her. But now I wonder if everything was fake, I don't even know what was fake from what wasn't. So obviously I like her less now. She provokes a mix of sheer anger and sadness in me. 

She seemed perfect and honest and loyal, yet she proved to be the exact opposite in the space of a day.

I thought she was my kind of woman, and that's why i let my guard down which I normally don't do

[glows]

3 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I liked her. But now I wonder if everything was fake, I don't even know what was fake from what wasn't. So obviously I like her less now. She provokes a mix of sheer anger and sadness in me. 

She seemed perfect and honest and loyal, yet she proved to be the exact opposite in the space of a day.

I thought she was my kind of woman, and that's why i let my guard down which I normally don't do

She isn't though so you will have to accept that and change your approach also. I'd be careful going on this rampage for too long. Sheer anger is a sign of something else - do you usually have rage or do things tick you off so much that you can't let them go for long periods? Use that disappointment in more productive ways rather than stewing in anger over an 8 week dating scenario. You're blocking and preventing yourself from moving forwards.

Edited December 6, 2021 by glows

[gringoloco]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

She isn't though so you will have to accept that and change your approach also. I'd be careful going on this rampage for too long. Sheer anger is a sign of something else - do you usually have rage or do things tick you off so much that you can't let them go for long periods? Use that disappointment in more productive ways rather than stewing in anger over an 8 week dating scenario. You're blocking and preventing yourself from moving forwards.

I am not someone who gets particularly angry. I just hate being taked advantage of / used.

I know these were just 8 weeks so it sounds silly, but she put so much intensity into it - trying to get into a "couple routine" - that I felt like I did more in 8 weeks than I did in 6 months with other girls. That's why I am so disoriented. 

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

know these were just 8 weeks so it sounds silly, but she put so much intensity into it - trying to get into a "couple routine" - that I felt like I did more in 8 weeks than I did in 6 months with other girls.

That as I already told you is classic rebound behaviour.
They slot you into the exact space their ex used to occupy.
To you it feels so cosy and warm and right, to her it likely feels the same, until she realises you are not her ex, maybe nothing like him, and she has to break up with you.
Being the rebound is tough, as most enjoy the feeling of being truly loved.
To find they were merely the substitute for her old love, is then heart breaking

[gringoloco]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That as I already told you is classic rebound behaviour.
They slot you into the exact space their ex used to occupy.
To you it feels so cosy and warm and right, to her it likely feels the same, until she realises you are not her ex, maybe nothing like him, and she has to break up with you.
Being the rebound is tough, as most enjoy the feeling of being truly loved.
To find they were merely the substitute for her old love, is then heart breaking

Of course I am not her ex, but that she knew from the start. She knew she wasn't over him. I just don't believe her when she says the contrary. 

And when she was crying I told her that I knew it from the start. I told her that you don't forget someone in 2 or 3 months. So she knows I didn't buy into her bullshit of "I was really trying to get over him blablabla"

[Yosemite]

28 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

And when she was crying I told her that I knew it from the start. I told her that you don't forget someone in 2 or 3 months.

So why did you stay with her for 8 weeks? If you knew she couldn't possibly get over her relationship that fast, why did you even start with her and then stay with her for 8 weeks?Because she was hot and said nice things to you. You thought that you were the exception and could date someone 3 months out of a multi-year relationship. It all blew up in your face and now you want to make her the villain and yourself the innocent lamb when the fact is, you had a responsibility to yourself to avoid this situation...but you didn't because she's hot. 

And on top of that, you still want to try to get back with her in a few months. It's extremely unlikely that that will ever happen, but what will probably happen is your ego will be even more hurt by being rejected again and your anger will be even more out of control than it is now. Hot girls with rich parents have a lot of options to choose from, so even if she does break up with her boyfriend, I think you'll find that she still won't go back to you for a rebound or anything else. 

To help quell your anger, think about the mistakes that you made in this situation. She also made mistakes, but if you're going to be irate with her for making mistakes, you also need to be irate with yourself because you also made mistakes. A better idea would be to focus on the fact that no one is perfect, that you both made mistakes, and that it's over. 

[ExpatInItaly]

She is not deranged. 

The fact that you would use such a word to descibe this tells me you have (forunately) never encountered someone who was truly unstable and suffering from a personality disorder. 

You need to take a few deep breaths here, OP, and gain some perspective. Your anger is consuming you and causing you spiral. 

[gringoloco]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is not deranged. 

The fact that you would use such a word to descibe this tells me you have (forunately) never encountered someone who was truly unstable and suffering from a personality disorder. 

You need to take a few deep breaths here, OP, and gain some perspective. Your anger is consuming you and causing you spiral. 

I mean, I just don't get how you can tell me that saying "I'll support you through anything" to someone one day, and go to an ex the next evening is not being deranged?

I have never ecountered this kind of behavior in a girl yet I ve been with a few and some were quite extravagant....

I forgot to mention that i also dated someone who was bipolar, but she never had such extreme opinion swings...

Edited December 6, 2021 by elpandillero

[gringoloco]

17 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

So why did you stay with her for 8 weeks? If you knew she couldn't possibly get over her relationship that fast, why did you even start with her and then stay with her for 8 weeks?Because she was hot and said nice things to you. You thought that you were the exception and could date someone 3 months out of a multi-year relationship. It all blew up in your face and now you want to make her the villain and yourself the innocent lamb when the fact is, you had a responsibility to yourself to avoid this situation...but you didn't because she's hot. 

And on top of that, you still want to try to get back with her in a few months. It's extremely unlikely that that will ever happen, but what will probably happen is your ego will be even more hurt by being rejected again and your anger will be even more out of control than it is now. Hot girls with rich parents have a lot of options to choose from, so even if she does break up with her boyfriend, I think you'll find that she still won't go back to you for a rebound or anything else. 

To help quell your anger, think about the mistakes that you made in this situation. She also made mistakes, but if you're going to be irate with her for making mistakes, you also need to be irate with yourself because you also made mistakes. A better idea would be to focus on the fact that no one is perfect, that you both made mistakes, and that it's over. 

because I thought I was seeing encouraging signs, such as when she deleted his pictures and told me they weren't friends anymore. The fact that she was getting all her stuff back was also supposed to be a positive sign. 

I do fell for her looks - but again I have no problem attracting hot girls (not trying to brag or anything) - so it was beyond that. It was the overall "girlfriend experience" that messed with my brain. The way she tried to always do what was best for me, cook for me, give me a lot of crazy sex, etc... it made me feel like maybe she really cared about me. She would leave notes in my computer encouraging me to study, etc... I felt like maybe she was going to be a person that could support me and help me achieve great stuff as I am naturally pretty ambitious and she kept repeating that she loved that in me (maybe her ex wasn't, idk...)

I already admitted I made mistakes. But I am usually very suspicious (I have past reasons to be...) and never let my guard down. I thought she was an honest person, very loyal and who would disclose everything to her guy, so I let it down with her. Big mistake since she was able to lie better than all my previous exes.

As for dating someone 3 months after a relationship, I met my ex 4 months after she left her guy, and stayed with her for 3 years....

Usually when the girl is leaving, she has thought about doing so for a while. The problem with her is she probably lied to me about the reasons her relationship ended. I will never know the actual truth

Edited December 6, 2021 by elpandillero

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, elpandillero said:

It was the overall "girlfriend experience" that messed with my brain. The way she tried to always do what was best for me, cook for me, give me a lot of crazy sex, etc... it made me feel like maybe she really cared about me. She would leave notes in my computer encouraging me to study, etc... I felt like maybe she was going to be a person that could support me and help me achieve great stuff as I am naturally pretty ambitious and she kept repeating that she loved that in me (maybe her ex wasn't, idk...)

I believe people enter our lives sometimes for a short period of time to teach us something.  Maybe meeting her has shown you that you do want a relationship and to take care and be taken care of by someone.  There are many women who will do those exact things she did for you and much more if you give them a chance.

[gringoloco]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I believe people enter our lives sometimes for a short period of time to teach us something.  Maybe meeting her has shown you that you do want a relationship and to take care and be taken care of by someone.  There are many women who will do those exact things she did for you and much more if you give them a chance.

thank you, actually this is very true

I had made a point not to enter into relationships because the previous ones put me in a state of despair when they ended. Even when I had to dump someone, it would tear me apart. 

I decided to stay single partly to protect myself, and because i don’t see the point in being with someone who will not end up being my wife, i feel it’s just a waste of time and i would rather have fun. 

I tend to strive when I am on my own (careerwise, in sports, music, etc…), and i associate relationships with breakup + intense pain

obviously this one - as short as it was - was no exception

but it added something even worst: being openly lied to / cheated on, which was something i had never experienced. 

All that to say that even if wish i could meet someone and build something, all i have seen so far has put me off quite a bit…

Edited December 6, 2021 by elpandillero

[glows]

Well, that's part of the problem too. You haven't healed completely or overcome the disappointment/betrayal of the past or the times when you felt that you were taken advantage of. You're hypervigilant around people and highly defensive. That can happen but move out of that phase. While it may seem a step forward that defensiveness and hypervigilance makes you also out to be somewhat of a live wire and unstable. Don't let this short stint throw you off. Let it roll off your back and practice some resilience here. 

Everything you learned about how to overcome hardship or emotional stress, put that into practice and let this wash right off of you. Someone else mentioned knowing what mistakes you made. I believe that's taking an active role instead of remaining in a place of helplessness. Helplessness takes away your sense of autonomy overall. Move past that. Claiming someone has wronged you or exclusively blaming someone else isn't the answer.

[ShyViolet]

OP, you are getting yourself to a very unhealthy place now where you are just obsessing over this way too much.  You keep saying the same things over and over and over.  Asking the same questions over and over.  Over-analyzing everything she did throughout your time with her.  Dwelling on this and letting this consume you is going to get you absolutely nowhere.

It's time to ACCEPT that she was not the right person for you, it was a bad relationship, and it's over now.   It is counterproductive to your mental health to obsess over this.  LET IT GO and move on with your life.

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

OP, you are getting yourself to a very unhealthy place now where you are just obsessing over this way too much.  You keep saying the same things over and over and over.  Asking the same questions over and over.  Over-analyzing everything she did throughout your time with her.  Dwelling on this and letting this consume you is going to get you absolutely nowhere.

It's time to ACCEPT that she was not the right person for you, it was a bad relationship, and it's over now.   It is counterproductive to your mental health to obsess over this.  LET IT GO and move on with your life.

I wish i could just do that

the problem is that it wasn’t a bad relationship while it lasted, and the way it ended so abruptly and in such a weird unexpected way is was makes it so hard for me to let go

Edited December 7, 2021 by elpandillero

[gringoloco]

do you think i should have a conversation with her to try and understand what happened from her point of view?

i know it might do more harm than good and i don’t want to give her the pleasure to think i m still thinking about her, but i am seriously considering it as I am lost rewinding the same events in my head in circles as to why she did this or that

Edited December 7, 2021 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

do you think i should have a conversation with her to try and understand what happened from her point of view?

No, because you will likely only hear the same things she already told you - if she is even willing to have this sort of conversation with you. 

Chances are high that she will not be open to having another talk about this, especially if she's back with her ex.