I got used as a rebound guy and left in the dust - Why?

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

do you think i should have a conversation with her to try and understand what happened from her point of view?

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Don't rehash things. Free yourself and let go.

[timble9]

Hey mate, I can relate to you as I just had the exact same thing happen to me! 

It really sucks, but at least she told you outright that she wasn't over her ex and that's the main reason things didn't work out with you.

No matter how good you were there's no way you could have made her feel what her ex made her feel, because he just had more time with her than you did and has more history and that history would be hard for her to let go. 

She doesn't sound like a bad person because she came clean. Not like the girl I was seeing, she strung me along for months telling me she was just going through some mental health issues and needed to deal with them...all the while she was back to sleeping with her ex (I eventually found out from a mutual friend). 

I know you'll still feel shitty irrespective of what I can say, but just know that you're not alone and you're not the only person these things happen to, so there is nothing wrong with you

[Acacia98]

On 12/6/2021 at 2:21 AM, elpandillero said:

I have looked it up and indeed i was love bombed. It litterally fits what happened to me 200%

but i read it’s a manipulation technique, so don’t you believe she had some kind of personality disorder?

Yes, she was manipulative. But it doesn't automatically follow that she had a personality disorder. Most people are manipulative or potentially so to some extent or another. Most people do not have personality disorders. We genuinely can't tell you what she was.

This kind of relationship experience hurts, understandably so. But it shouldn't destabilize you in such an extreme fashion (unless you were already in a not-so-good place). What was going on with you before you met her? What was it that made you so vulnerable that you wanted to believe her, even when you thought her declarations were over the top?

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, because you will likely only hear the same things she already told you - if she is even willing to have this sort of conversation with you. 

Chances are high that she will not be open to having another talk about this, especially if she's back with her ex. 

Here is the issue: there was no real "break up conversation" - I was just left in shock

How it happened: 

- She did whatever she did with her ex the night before, I sensed something was off with her not wanting to see me despite me pushing (she was always super excited to see me) - but I tried to cool down and persuade myself to believe her ...

- Next morning I see her and she acts as usual, kisses me and even hugs me when I reach for her, holds my hand in the subway, go pickup shoes, asks me questions, etc...We get to my flat and she starts working as she was supposed to. She speaks normally. I notice something is weird when i ask her to come seat next to me on the sofa and she has that blank stare for 5 seconds. Then she comes, hugs me for a good 5 min, and kisses me. THEN ONLY she tells me that she has to be honest with me and that she lied about what happened the night before, etc...that her ex tried to talk things out and she realized she still had feelings etc...

- I didn't really try to understand anything at that point, I was just in sheer shock because I thought everything was back to normal and didn't see it coming. We had no further discussion because I showed her the door while she was crying and saying that "I didn't derserve this" and that she was "so sorry" (made me even more angry). I told her not to contact me anymore

- Then she shent me a flurry of "everything I said was true" "you made me really happy while I was with you" "you are an amazing person", etc...to which  I didn't reply.

- I then sent a pretty mean text saying she was crazy and despicable for invading my life to this point before throwing me away  -  and she then sent another flurry of this bullshit  "I didn''t mean to hurt you", "I can't be with someone if I think about someone else" "you deserve someone who can love you", etc...that I erased as soon as I received it (didn't really read)

- After that I blocked her

So that's all there was. And I want to contact her because I want to understand why she went to the extent she went? Why did she need to push it as far as sending me "i ll support you through anything", "I miss you"', "I really like you", "we should do more sleepovers" " I want you" the DAY before going back to her ex. I want to understand what was going on in her brain so that she was able to do that and coldly turn on me the next day. I want to know if she consciously used me. I feel like that's the only thing that can help me move on,  otherwise I will always feel like she had some kinds of feelings for me.

Oh yeah and I saw that 2 days later she already had her pictures with her ex back on instagram (probably just had archived them)

Edited December 7, 2021 by elpandillero

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, timble9 said:

Hey mate, I can relate to you as I just had the exact same thing happen to me! 

It really sucks, but at least she told you outright that she wasn't over her ex and that's the main reason things didn't work out with you.

No matter how good you were there's no way you could have made her feel what her ex made her feel, because he just had more time with her than you did and has more history and that history would be hard for her to let go. 

She doesn't sound like a bad person because she came clean. Not like the girl I was seeing, she strung me along for months telling me she was just going through some mental health issues and needed to deal with them...all the while she was back to sleeping with her ex (I eventually found out from a mutual friend). 

I know you'll still feel shitty irrespective of what I can say, but just know that you're not alone and you're not the only person these things happen to, so there is nothing wrong with you

she didn't tell me anything outright

I know it s not my fault -  of course

but she was dishonest and literrally invaded my life, left stuff at my place, wanted me to be exclusive with her and to be her boyfriend, wanted to stop using condoms, etc..

Only to turn on me / lie to me as soon as she saw her ex

I really can't forgive that and it stops me from moving on

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I really can't forgive that and it stops me from moving on

Maybe it's time to see a therapist to help you move past this.

[gringoloco]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Maybe it's time to see a therapist to help you move past this.

I don’t know, I just feel like I need to have a conversation with her, even if she destroys my heart at least I ll know why it happened the way it happened…

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I don’t know, I just feel like I need to have a conversation with her, even if she destroys my heart at least I ll know why it happened the way it happened…

She can't give you closure.  What happened to you happens to 1000s of people every day.  You were caught up in a rebound relationship.  Read around this board and you will see you are not alone.  There are women here who were involved with MM who left their marriage for them only to go back to their wife.  You took a hit to your ego and that is why it hurts so much for you.

[gringoloco]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

She can't give you closure.  What happened to you happens to 1000s of people every day.  You were caught up in a rebound relationship.  Read around this board and you will see you are not alone.  There are women here who were involved with MM who left their marriage for them only to go back to their wife.  You took a hit to your ego and that is why it hurts so much for you.

honestly its not only my ego

i have images of her face in my head. It’s haunting. I don’t even know how i got so crazy about her in 6 damn weeks. She was way too nice to me, and the contrast with what happened in the end is killing me.

on top of it she works 10mins away from my workplace. I could just go see her

Edited December 7, 2021 by elpandillero

[glows]

Don't stalk or harass her or show up at her work place asking about the fall out of your dating. It's inappropriate. As mentioned also previously, it's not a good idea to contact her. You've identified that this is your ego talking and not any real interest in her as a person (you disagree and dislike what she's done). Let go. 

[gringoloco]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

Don't stalk or harass her or show up at her work place asking about the fall out of your dating. It's inappropriate. As mentioned also previously, it's not a good idea to contact her. You've identified that this is your ego talking and not any real interest in her as a person (you disagree and dislike what she's done). Let go. 

I dislike what she has done like everybody would - but I also have the image of what she was before it all went south (i.e as soon as a day before we split…) and it is a beautiful one unfortunately…

honestly i just need to understand why she used such strong words - why she didn’t distanciante herself knowing what she was going to do - and i need her to admit that she (at least partially) used me to get her ex back…

Edited December 7, 2021 by elpandillero

[glows]

7 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I dislike what she has done like everybody would - but I also have the image of what she was before it all went south (i.e as soon as a day before we split…) and it is a beautiful one unfortunately…

honestly i just need to understand why she used such strong words - why she didn’t distanciante herself knowing what she was going to do - and i need her to admit that she (at least partially) used me to get her ex back…

That's placing a lot of emphasis on her to bring you peace. Are you able to turn that around and acknowledge your hand in ignoring the red flags? Be proactive and tell yourself that this is just one lesson learned in the many lessons of life. Continuing to pursue answers from someone in this context isn't a good idea. Again, you dated for only 8 weeks. Try putting that in perspective. 

You're giving her way too much power over your mind and how you heal and move forward or make decisions in future. That all comes from you, not someone else.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, elpandillero said:

honestly its not only my ego

i have images of her face in my head. It’s haunting. I don’t even know how i got so crazy about her in 6 damn weeks. She was way too nice to me, and the contrast with what happened in the end is killing me.

on top of it she works 10mins away from my workplace. I could just go see her

You admit she was nice to you so she wasn't an evil person trying to hurt you.  The heart wants what the heart wants and her heart wanted her ex back.  It happens and now you have to put your big boy pants on and go through this separation.  I can guarantee you that if you see and talk to her about this you will feel worse than you do now.  She can't give you the closure you want in order to move on.

[gringoloco]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You admit she was nice to you so she wasn't an evil person trying to hurt you.  The heart wants what the heart wants and her heart wanted her ex back.  It happens and now you have to put your big boy pants on and go through this separation.  I can guarantee you that if you see and talk to her about this you will feel worse than you do now.  She can't give you the closure you want in order to move on.

But i agree on all this, the issue I have is I can’t comprehend how she changed her mind in 1 damn day. How the evening before she was almost begging me to come sleep at her place and telling me she would « support me through everything », and that when i helped her with her medical issues it meant « the world to her ». Those are not words you say lightly. 

That’s why I am in shock that she was able to lie so professionally the next day, and do a 360 on me. 

Only her can explain what went through her head. Did she have feelings for 2 people at the same time and chose him? did she manipulate me? was she thinking about him from the beginning? those are the questions that keep me awake

 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I can’t comprehend how she changed her mind in 1 damn day.

People on the rebound or still talking to or on//off with an ex are notoriously flakey. That's because he contacted her claiming this that and the other and she dropped everything and ran (like a fool). In fact be glad you dodged this bullet. She may come crawling back when he dumps her again, but don't take the bait.

[gringoloco]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

People on the rebound or still talking to or on//off with an ex are notoriously flakey. That's because he contacted her claiming this that and the other and she dropped everything and ran (like a fool). In fact be glad you dodged this bullet. She may come crawling back when he dumps her again, but don't take the bait.

but she said she was the one who left him, that’s why I don’t get it…

[FMW]

24 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

i need her to admit

That's highly unlikely to happen.  And she doesn't owe you any further discussion.  You had a brief relationship.  It's over.  

You're going to keep stuck in this unhealthy loop until you accept that the image you had of what she was before was just that - an image, one that you created out of what you chose to believe, while disregarding all the warning signs that her words and actions didn't make sense given the situation.  

If you contact her she is going to feel the unhealthy energy you've allowed to take you over. That certainly will not induce her to have any kind of meaningful conversation with you at all.  As a woman she is likely to actually feel a little frightened by your refusal to accept that there is nothing there to keep holding on to.  I find it kind of scary and it's just anonymous words on my screen.    

For your own sake, leave her alone and move on.  Next time you will hopefully not be tempted to believe things that set off warning bells for you just because you are really attracted to someone.  It takes time to actually get to know someone.  An authentic connection is proven only over time, not within a matter of 8-9 weeks. And someone who has only recently left a relationship is not a candidate for a new serious relationship, no matter what they tell you.  

You can fight against all this as much as you want, but it's only going to drive you deeper into the hole in which you're putting yourself.     

We all have been hurt and disappointed and had our egos stomped on.  We can either accept, learn and move on or become bitter and perpetually alone.  It's a choice.  

[flitzanu]

OP, have you ever had other relationships?  is this your first girlfriend?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

OP, have you ever had other relationships?  is this your first girlfriend?

I was wondering the same thing. 

5 hours ago, elpandillero said:

on top of it she works 10mins away from my workplace. I could just go see her

Do not show up at her workplace. 

OP, with respect, you would benefit more from speaking to a counsellor than to her. You are becoming obsessive over this, and you barely dated her. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, elpandillero said:

Only her can explain what went through her head. Did she have feelings for 2 people at the same time and chose him? did she manipulate me? was she thinking about him from the beginning? those are the questions that keep me awake

Actually you can explain these issues to yourself:

1- Did she have feelings for 2 people at the same time and chose him? - obviously, but her feelings were stronger for him as evidenced so she went back - check

2-Did she manipulate you?  Of course she will say No so only you can answer that question.  Are you easy to manipulate?

3-Was she thinking about him from the beginning? - She will probably say No but of course she was they just broke up.  I'm sure she was trying to forget him and meeting a guy like you was a gift; but she met you too     soon, she was still in love with him.  I really believe she wanted to do right by you but her feelings for her ex were too strong.

[gringoloco]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was wondering the same thing. 

Do not show up at her workplace. 

OP, with respect, you would benefit more from speaking to a counsellor than to her. You are becoming obsessive over this, and you barely dated her. 

when did i say i was gonna show up at her workplace… i would never do that i just explained that she works nearby…

yes i had a 3 years relationships as well as two others of 1 year each. As for my other relationships it was mostly fwb/ons (had around 30 women in my life if that even matters…)

I think you know why I am obsessive, it is largely due to what she lead me to believe, all the compliments she was throwing all the time, and all the crazy sex we had. 

I actually spoke to a counsellor tonight. Not going to disclose all he said but clearly he didn’t think her behavior was very normal either…whatever he also told me i need to stop asking myself questions as to why she did this or that as she would probably lie in her answers and I wouldn’t believe her anyways. I ll try to stick to that…

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

when did i say i was gonna show up at her workplace… i would never do that i just explained that she works nearby

No, actually, you also said this:

5 hours ago, elpandillero said:

she works 10mins away from my workplace. I could just go see her

 

21 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

whatever he also told me i need to stop asking myself questions as to why she did this or that as she would probably lie in her answers and I wouldn’t believe her anyways. I ll try to stick to that…

Your counsellor is correct, on both counts. It is highly unlikely you would be satisfied in whatever answers she might hypothetically give you. 

22 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I think you know why I am obsessive, it is largely due to what she lead me to believe, all the compliments she was throwing all the time, and all the crazy sex we had.

No, that doesn't really explain your fixation here. You knew this person all of a few weeks. This level of obssession over the details is, I would say, disproportionate to the short-lived relationship. It's normal to be disappoionted and hurt. But you're sliding into something more than that, which is very unhealthy for you. Keep talking to your counsellor, and keep the focus on how you can heal rather than trying to figure out how to coerce her into saying whatever fits the narrative you're building in your mind. 

[gringoloco]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, actually, you also said this:

 

Your counsellor is correct, on both counts. It is highly unlikely you would be satisfied in whatever answers she might hypothetically give you. 

No, that doesn't really explain your fixation here. You knew this person all of a few weeks. This level of obssession over the details is, I would say, disproportionate to the short-lived relationship. It's normal to be disappoionted and hurt. But you're sliding into something more than that, which is very unhealthy for you. Keep talking to your counsellor, and keep the focus on how you can heal rather than trying to figure out how to coerce her into saying whatever fits the narrative you're building in your mind. 

i didn’t mean show up at her place unannounced… I meant asking her to grab a coffee nearby…

there is disappointment and there is being openly lied to. I would have preferred being disappointed without being lied to for 20min on the phone / cheated on litterally right after someone had told me they would « support me through anything » and they « really liked me »…

Obviously i would never forgive her that so could never get back with her in any cases…

as for the rest I just find it disappointing that people can’t be honest while dating and you always have to be on your guards and dig for every single twisted stuff that could blow up to your face…I guess everyone works differently but it would make things much easier

 

Edited December 7, 2021 by elpandillero

[gringoloco]

actually that s something a lot of you guys seem to forget here … she cheated on me with that guy after lying to me… really i don’t see what’s the point of trying to justify her actions 

Edited December 7, 2021 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

there is disappointment and there is being openly lied to.

You're preaching to the choir with many of us here, OP. 

Many of us have been lied to in far worse ways than this. Deceived on a much greater level.  You are not the first person to go through this, and while I don't mean to minimize your pain, you have to keep perspective here. If the majority of us have lived to tell about it, you will too. 

It shapes our futures to the extent that we allow it to - or not. We process it. We move on. It's part of life. We will meet people who hurt us, people who adore us, people who will teach us something, and people we will wish we'd never met. They all get as much importance in our life as we permit. 

20 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

i didn’t mean show up at her place unannounced… I meant asking her to grab a coffee nearby…

And for what it's worth, don't do this, either. She has a boyfriend again, and he isn't you. You don't have to like it, but you should respect the boundary she has drawn with you by breaking up with you. That means no coffees to rehash everything.