Was I right to end it?

[Alpacalia]

So this man and I dated for a short time.

We hadn't discussed being exclusive when we were dating, but I was only dating him at the time.

I'm not sure if he was seeing other ladies at the time.

In any case, I'd fallen sick, and we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks.

When I told him that I was still not feeling well during one of our conversations, he said, "yuck, how many guys exactly are you kissing?"

I left the relationship soon after because that comment reminded me of something my ex-finance would say (and he struggled a lot with retroactive jealousy).

Even though this occurred a long time ago, I still wonder if I responded hastily?

I tried to ask him why he said it, or what would make him think that, but he gave me a vague answer.

Edited December 2, 2021 by Alpaca

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

In any case, I'd fallen sick, and we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks.

When I told him that I was still not feeling well during one of our conversations, he said, "yuck, how many guys exactly are you kissing?"

 

His comment was way out of line, unfeeling and just plain stupid.

When someone you know has fallen ill, there are a number of things you can say/do.  Take them over some food (chicken soup), ask how you can help them, send them a "get well" card, volunteer to take them to the doctor... just to name a few.

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Even though this occurred a long time ago, I still wonder if I responded hastily?

 

No... I think there is a "base level" of behavior/empathy that most humans utilize. His comment goes below that "base level".

NEXT!!

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

His comment was way out of line, unfeeling and just plain stupid.

When someone you know has fallen ill, there are a number of things you can say/do.  Take them over some food (chicken soup), ask how you can help them, send them a "get well" card, volunteer to take them to the doctor... just to name a few.

No... I think there is a "base level" of behavior/empathy that most humans utilize. His comment goes below that "base level".

NEXT!!

Thanks!

That's what I figured. I was like... huh? Where did that come from when everything else up to that point had been going well.

At least it seemed so. 

I just wasn't sure if my cutting things off after that comment was the right approach.

I know it was sometime ago but I was just curious about my response.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I left the relationship soon after because that comment reminded me of something my ex-finance would say (and he struggled a lot with retroactive jealousy).

You did the right thing.

If you're unfortunate, that's the type of comment that you remember a year or more down the road in the realization that it was a red flag and that you should have paid attention to in it.

If you're fortunate (and you are), you leave shortly after you hear that comment.

Edited December 2, 2021 by Acacia98

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

You did the right thing.

If you're unfortunate, that's the type of comment that you remember a year or more down the road in the realization that it was a red flag and that you should have paid attention to in it.

If you're fortunate (and you are), you leave shortly after you hear that comment.

Thanks.

Oh, I certainly paid attention to it.

I gave him the opportunity to express where that comment was coming from, but his response did not make me feel confidence in moving forward with the relationship.

I was just having a moment of self-reflection.

[flitzanu]

i mean, hmm.  short amount of time dating with no established boundaries that comment is a little offsides.  

dating for years with no jealousy or commitment issues, and a dark sense of humor, then yeah different story.

as a guy with bad humor, it is possible he was trying to be cute and funny and has no idea how to be cute and funny, almost meaning the opposite like "deep down i know you're not kissing other guys but HOW MANY GUYS YOU BEEN KISSIN" you know what i mean?

but if it was a joke, and it rubbed you wrong this soon in, could be any other "humor" may not hit you in your funny bone either.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I just wasn't sure if my cutting things off after that comment was the right approach.

Yes. Sometimes when the building is on fire, the best choice is to jump into the trampoline below and not question if the building's fire was really that bad.

Besides who would say such a mean thing to Alpaca? Creep.🦙😡

[Alpacalia]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Sometimes when the building is on fire, the best choice is to jump into the trampoline below and not question if the building's fire was really that bad.

Besides who would say such a mean thing to Alpaca? Creep.🦙😡

Indeed.

Alpaca's are cute and fluffy. 😊

Thank you!

26 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

i mean, hmm.  short amount of time dating with no established boundaries that comment is a little offsides.  

dating for years with no jealousy or commitment issues, and a dark sense of humor, then yeah different story.

as a guy with bad humor, it is possible he was trying to be cute and funny and has no idea how to be cute and funny, almost meaning the opposite like "deep down i know you're not kissing other guys but HOW MANY GUYS YOU BEEN KISSIN" you know what i mean?

but if it was a joke, and it rubbed you wrong this soon in, could be any other "humor" may not hit you in your funny bone either.

Very true.

Had we been dating for a while with established boundaries like you mentioned, it would probably have gone over much different.

I think the combination of me being sick and his response was just a big boo boo.

 

Edited December 2, 2021 by Alpaca

[Happy Lemming]

46 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I gave him the opportunity to express where that comment was coming from, but his response did not make me feel confidence in moving forward with the relationship.

 

As we go through life, I think we develop appropriate "canned" answers to statements/questions.  Most of the time these "canned" answers are not original, but they also don't offend or have to be explained.

Regarding your illness, if this had been a recurring or persistent illness, my canned response would have been "Do you think you need a second opinion from a different doctor??"  Illness is not an area where one should turn a statement into a joke or say something inappropriate.

[dramafreezone]

Doesn't sound like you had that much of an attachment to this guy in the first place.  Add to that he said something that reminded you of the behavior of someone that you had a negative experience with.

Is this guy generally sarcastic?  I'm of the firm belief that all of our positive or desirable traits can manifest negatively as well.  Clever sarcasm when joking (positive) translates to cruel insults negatively for instance.  A gentle nature (positive) can translate into passive aggressive behavior (negative). 

[glows]

It is so left field as a comment that it makes one wonder if he might have contracted ghastly illnesses himself to suggest such a thing. I might have laughed and told him "You'd know." I think you were right to leave this person! What a mindless thing to say.

[Alpacalia]

40 minutes ago, glows said:

It is so left field as a comment that it makes one wonder if he might have contracted ghastly illnesses himself to suggest such a thing. I might have laughed and told him "You'd know." I think you were right to leave this person! What a mindless thing to say.

I think if I remember correctly, I said "I hate you."

lol

But thank you, I concur.

Edited December 2, 2021 by Alpaca

[Fox Sake]

16 hours ago, Alpaca said:

So this man and I dated for a short time.

We hadn't discussed being exclusive when we were dating, but I was only dating him at the time.

I'm not sure if he was seeing other ladies at the time.

In any case, I'd fallen sick, and we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks.

When I told him that I was still not feeling well during one of our conversations, he said, "yuck, how many guys exactly are you kissing?"

I left the relationship soon after because that comment reminded me of something my ex-finance would say (and he struggled a lot with retroactive jealousy).

Even though this occurred a long time ago, I still wonder if I responded hastily?

I tried to ask him why he said it, or what would make him think that, but he gave me a vague answer.

You know it’s funny you say about your ex responding with retroactive jealousy, because the paragraph before that I had already thought that sounded like a jealous remark that covers an insecurity with a joke… 

I think you did the right thing. If it was his way of asking if you were seeing anyone else, it was an emotionally immature one , so you did right at the time I would say! 

[Alpacalia]

25 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

You know it’s funny you say about your ex responding with retroactive jealousy, because the paragraph before that I had already thought that sounded like a jealous remark that covers an insecurity with a joke… 

I think you did the right thing. If it was his way of asking if you were seeing anyone else, it was an emotionally immature one , so you did right at the time I would say! 

It's funny you mention that too!

Because I did think that "maybe" that's why he might have said it.

He was super kind and generous while we dated which was one (of many) things that I liked about him. 

He never said or did a mean thing so that remark completely caught me off guard.

I don't know, at the time, it just set off little alarm bells.

Edited December 3, 2021 by Alpaca

[Fox Sake]

5 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

It's funny you mention that too!

Because I did think that "maybe" that's why he might have said it.

He was super kind and generous while we dated and never said or did a mean thing so that remark completely caught me off guard.

I don't know, at the time, it just set off little alarm bells.

That’s very Perceptive of you 😼  especially if you were young at the time! It took me many mistakes to listen to alarms and sometimes I still miss or ignore them 

[Girl Fade Away]

@Alpacaare you feeling regrets now about ending it?  If so, you may be experiencing something called "dumper's remorse," which can happen immediately after ending it or sometimes years later.   You ended it but it was a sort of forced dump, his comment hurt you but you still had feelings.  Those feelings never really went away.  Suppressed but ready to re-surface at any time.

I have experienced this too and weirdly enough it happened when I began falling for another man!  Super confusing.  

Have you kept in touch since it happened?  What do you want to do?

EDIT: Off topic but your new avatar is sooooo cute!  

Edited December 3, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

That’s very Perceptive of you 😼  especially if you were young at the time! It took me many mistakes to listen to alarms and sometimes I still miss or ignore them 

Thanks.

That or he was trying to call it off with me. 😓

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

@Alpacaare you feeling regrets now about ending it?  If so, you may be experiencing something called "dumper's remorse," which can happen immediately after ending it or sometimes years later.   You ended it but it was a sort of forced dump, his comment hurt you but you still had feelings.  Those feelings never really went away.  Suppressed but ready to re-surface at any time.

I have experienced this too and weirdly enough it happened when I began falling for another man!  Super confusing.  

Have you kept in touch since it happened?  What do you want to do?

EDIT: Off topic but you new avatar is sooooo cute!  

I'm not sure if it's "dumpers remorse."

I'm just trying to self-reflect on my own behavior during the time or how I may have come across that would prompt him to say that. 

But yes, his comment hurt me.

I think though, I may have hurt him too with ending things so abruptly.

No, we haven't kept in touch before this. 

Thank you about the avatar! 

[mark clemson]

I'd say generally that when someone starts accusing you of things you aren't actually doing, that's a red (or at least yellow) flag.

[Alpacalia]

23 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I'd say generally that when someone starts accusing you of things you aren't actually doing, that's a red (or at least yellow) flag.

I can only surmise that because I was sick, he mistakenly thought it was because I had been kissing other men and became sick as a result.

That was a bit of a leap on his part, if that's what he thought.

[mark clemson]

A leap indeed. Everyone catches colds - the assumptions he made about how you got yours is what's off here. You're attractive, he's insecure. The math adds up well, unfortunately.  This silver lining of course is that you didn't move things farther along with this guy. He could probably use either therapy or a bit more growing up.

Edited December 4, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

Most people err on the side of not dropkicking soon enough, so consider yourself lucky that you did so in a timely fashion instead of the usual hanging on to the hope of turning a sow's ear into a silk purse.🐖

[Girl Fade Away]

On 12/2/2021 at 5:40 PM, Alpaca said:

I'm just trying to self-reflect on my own behavior during the time or how I may have come across that would prompt him to say that. 

I don’t think YOU did anything that prompted him to make the comment, not that you have shared with us.  It sounds more like it was HIS own insecurity and uncertainty about you and the status of your relationship that caused him to say. 

Since you admit exclusivity was never discussed, that may have caused him uncertainty and instead of him bringing the topic up for discussion, he resorted to a passive/ aggressive way of finding out if you were seeing other men, disguised as a "joke."

In turn, the comment hurt you, you took offense, responded by saying "I hate you" and then dumped him.

Referencing the above quote, I think you were both at fault, if fault is even the right word, it may not be.  That you were both "responsible" for the breakdown would be more accurate.

Perhaps a better response than "I hate you" would have been to dig deeper into why he said it, and use as an opportunity to have an open and honest discussion about the status of your relationship, how you both feel and decide to become exclusive. 

Because to me, a man making such comment indicates he's anxious and bothered about you possibly dating (kissing) other men which would suggest he has feelings for you.   And again since you had not discussed being exclusive, then that might have caused him uncertainty and insecurity as well. 

I posted this in another thread today, but there are no perfect people.  We all make mistakes, can say the wrong thing, and inadvertently hurt our partners without meaning to.  

Communication, understanding and forgiveness are key unless it's something so egregious which personally I don't think it was.  Stupid and obnoxious yes definitely!  

Just trying to see both sides Alpaca, that's all.  😀

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I don’t think YOU did anything that prompted him to make the comment, not that you have shared with us.  It sounds more like it was HIS own insecurity and uncertainty about you and the status of your relationship that caused him to say. 

Since you admit exclusivity was never discussed, that may have caused him uncertainty and instead of him bringing the topic up for discussion, he resorted to a passive/ aggressive way of finding out if you were seeing other men, disguised as a "joke."

In turn, the comment hurt you, you took offense, responded by saying "I hate you" and then dumped him.

Referencing the above quote, I think you were both at fault, if fault is even the right word, it may not be.  That you were both "responsible" for the breakdown would be more accurate.

Perhaps a better response than "I hate you" would have been to dig deeper into why he said it, and use as an opportunity to have an open and honest discussion about the status of your relationship, how you both feel and decide to become exclusive. 

Because to me, a man making such comment indicates he's anxious and bothered about you possibly dating (kissing) other men which would suggest he has feelings for you.   And again since you had not discussed being exclusive, then that might have caused him uncertainty and insecurity as well. 

I posted this in another thread today, but there are no perfect people.  We all make mistakes, can say the wrong thing, and inadvertently hurt our partners without meaning to.  

Communication, understanding and forgiveness are key unless it's something so egregious which personally I don't think it was.  Stupid and obnoxious yes definitely!  

Just trying to see both sides Alpaca, that's all.  😀

 

 

 

 

 

You just have to know all the sordid details huh? lol

I was sick for like two weeks following our last date, we kept in touch every day by phone and text, and then when I went back to work after having taken a few days off from being sick we were texting each other in the morning and I told him I still wasn’t feeling well and that’s when he made the “yuck” comment.

The “I hate you” was just a teasing type comment that I replied back with. But I did try to dig deeper and he said something along the lines of “two people shouldn’t fall for each other too quickly.”

Which to me was kind of out of left field too considering he would call me and text me like ALL the time.

I know you are, and thanks, I appreciate it!

Edited December 4, 2021 by Alpaca

[Girl Fade Away]

21 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

You just have to know all the sorted details huh

Lol, not really but context IS helpful, so thank you for providing!

Not sure what to make of it now given you DID dig deeper and his response "two people shouldn’t fall for each other too quickly.” 😳  I dunno, if me and if I really liked him and things were going well other than the one stupid "yuck" comment, I might have asked what he meant, however I do realize I say that objectively and that when involved and feeling emotional, it's a completely different scene!  

Anyway, with this new info, I think you did the right thing Alpaca.  It's good you are being reflective though, I always try to do that too when a relationship ends. 

 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Girl Fade Away