Was I right to end it?

[Alpacalia]

22 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Lol, not really but context IS helpful, so thank you for providing!

Not sure what to make of it now given you DID dig deeper and his response "two people shouldn’t fall for each other too quickly.” 😳  I dunno, if me and if I really liked him and things were going well other than the one stupid "yuck" comment, I might have asked what he meant, however I do realize I say that objectively and that when involved and feeling emotional, it's a completely different scene!  

Anyway, with this new info, I think you did the right thing Alpaca.  It's good you are being reflective though, I always try to do that too when a relationship ends. 

 

Yes, context is important.

I liked him a lot and tried to figure out what his comments meant, but I couldn't at the time.

Not to mention that the majority of this occurred via text, which I hope to avoid doing in the future because I believe a lot of detail was lost in translation.

In addition, I was stressed out from being unwell and having to go back to work.

I'm also aware that I could have done a better job of expressing myself at the time.

We talked back and forth for a while, and my words eventually became word vomit.

It was a hodgepodge of events.

Nonetheless, many thanks for your assistance!

 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

A leap indeed. Everyone catches colds - the assumptions he made about how you got yours is what's off here. You're attractive, he's insecure. The math adds up well, unfortunately.  This silver lining of course is that you didn't move things farther along with this guy. He could probably use either therapy or a bit more growing up.

A wee bit of a leap, yes.

If he was insecure it wasn't because of attractiveness. He was in way better physical shape and very handsome.

Edited December 4, 2021 by Alpaca

[Acacia98]

In my opinion, there's only one right way to respond to illness in someone, and that's to edpress

[Alpacalia]

54 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

In my opinion, there's only one right way to respond to illness in someone, and that's to edpress

Or at least send a get well card. 😚

[Fox Sake]

You clearly perceived something was up at the time and made a call based off that instinct. So I don’t think there’s any question in it.  
Are you lonely right now tho and that’s why you’re processing these thoughts just now? I know when it gets towards Christmas I usually get quite lonely on my own. Sigh. I will think about better times when it’s not been like that, and question some of my past decisions. Reminiscent, then hopefully self forgiving.  
  
 I don’t think picking yourself apart over whether it was right or wrong is gonna do you much good. Forgive yourself if you feel bad ! It was the right thing at that time for you! Trust in that. I honestly believe every failed relationship/chance has something to take away from it.  Whether that’s a lesson or a reminder.  You’re pretty perceptive, so maybe it was just a reminder to listen to yourself. Not cause for you to question if you were unfair in being true to you  💛 

 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Fox Sake
Missing a word 😅

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

If he was insecure it wasn't because of attractiveness. He was in way better physical shape and very handsome.

Fair enough. Insecurity "comes from within" I think and there are those who are e.g. insecure romantically despite being attractive/romantically successful, insecure about money despite being rich, etc, etc.

If not insecurity, what was it that drove the accusatory "vibe"? Perhaps something else, such as a "joke" that is the start of emotional manipulation? Dunno, but at any rate none of the possibilities are good IMO.

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Most people err on the side of not dropkicking soon enough, so consider yourself lucky that you did so in a timely fashion instead of the usual hanging on to the hope of turning a sow's ear into a silk purse.🐖

Yes.

Though, I might have held on a little longer than I should have.

Clearly as evidenced by this thread.

But, I did err on the side of caution at the time like you said, so I guess that's what's important. 

2 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

You clearly perceived something was up at the time and made a call based off that instinct. So I don’t think there’s any question in it.  
Are you lonely right now tho and that’s why you’re processing these thoughts just now? I know when it gets towards Christmas I usually get quite lonely on my own. Sigh. I will think about better times when it’s not been like that, and question some of my past decisions. Reminiscent, then hopefully self forgiving.  
  
 I don’t think picking yourself apart over whether it was right or wrong is gonna do you much good. Forgive yourself if you feel bad ! It was the right thing at that time for you! Trust in that. I honestly believe every failed relationship/chance has something to take away from it.  Whether that’s a lesson or a reminder.  You’re pretty perceptive, so maybe it was just a reminder to listen to yourself. Not cause for you to question if you were unfair in being true to you  💛 

 

Normally, I would agree that it is around the holidays, and there may be some truth to that, but I also believe it is about unresolved or unanswered questions. I've never really taken the time to delve into the guts of it after everything was said and done.

Perceptive? Yes, you're not the first one to mention that. 🙂

Thank you for your kind words.

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough. Insecurity "comes from within" I think and there are those who are e.g. insecure romantically despite being attractive/romantically successful, insecure about money despite being rich, etc, etc.

If not insecurity, what was it that drove the accusatory "vibe"? Perhaps something else, such as a "joke" that is the start of emotional manipulation? Dunno, but at any rate none of the possibilities are good IMO.

Yes, I am aware of this too.

To some extent, we all experience insecurity from time to time.

So, perhaps we were just two insecure ships passing through the night at the time.

Good stuff, people!

 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Alpaca

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

In my opinion, there's only one right way to respond to illness in someone, and that's to edpress

Lol. That's meant to say "express sympathy." But I guess y'all got that.

[Lotsgoingon]

I tend to think that relationships with some real bond can survive dumb comments. With some real compatibility, he could have apologized directly. Or you would have felt safe discussing exclusivity. You guys would have found a way to work through this. 

One little move rarely determines a huge project like a relationship. I think it's great to review your actions in relationship. It's one of the ways we accumulate true insight.  But my suggestion would be to go the other way. Review the times when you were silent even as you felt things were not good, times you were passive even though there was mounting evidence that something was off, times you got caught up in the high of the early days and allowed things to slide. 

Cancel the above if you have a history of harsh judgment and you KNOW that it' harsh and not based on evidence. Do your friends say you over-react? If not, go the other way. 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

But my suggestion would be to go the other way. Review the times when you were silent even as you felt things were not good, times you were passive even though there was mounting evidence that something was off, times you got caught up in the high of the early days and allowed things to slide. 

Cancel the above if you have a history of harsh judgment and you KNOW that it' harsh and not based on evidence. Do your friends say you over-react? If not, go the other way. 

This is super helpful, thank you.

Reflecting back, I definitely over-reacted in some areas.

In the 15+ years that we've all been friends, I can't recall any of my closest friends expressing that I "over-react in general." These friends are from my youth, but there are a few from work, college, and other places as well. So, I think maybe it's a different dynamic with them?

Edited December 5, 2021 by Alpaca

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh I probably wasn't as clear as I could be. I meant, do your friends say you over-react and are over-critical in your dating life? ... Not with them per se.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Oh I probably wasn't as clear as I could be. I meant, do your friends say you over-react and are over-critical in your dating life? ... Not with them per se.

It's good.

It's making me think! lol

Not over-react or over-critical but they have occasionally commented though that I can be somewhat guarded.

I don't necessarily see how that's a bad thing per se. 

I'm just slower to open up I guess.

Which, to add, this man in particular was a bit guarded too. Way more than myself.

Edited December 5, 2021 by Alpaca

[Lotsgoingon]

I think friends would point out in a loud way if you were too quick on the critical trigger. Sounds like they haven't. Most likely that's not your issue.

Though it is fun to go that route--I do that at times. You get to fantasize that hey, one little change and I could have saved this relationship or that relationship. 

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I think friends would point out in a loud way if you were too quick on the critical trigger. Sounds like they haven't. Most likely that's not your issue.

Though it is fun to go that route--I do that at times. You get to fantasize that hey, one little change and I could have saved this relationship or that relationship. 

 

Yes, it is difficult.

I think his comment was a red flag for the most part, but it's difficult to balance perceived red flags or whether I was unduly focused on that one comment.

Perhaps things might have gone differently if I had been a bit more patient and waited until our next scheduled date like planned to suss it out, or at the very least I would have had a little more clarity.

Edited December 6, 2021 by Alpaca

[flitzanu]

@Alpaca are you feeling better at least?  or are you still mouth kissing too many boys?

[Alpacalia]

18 hours ago, flitzanu said:

@Alpaca are you feeling better at least?  or are you still mouth kissing too many boys?

Ask me next year. 😏😚