Hard to feel loved and secure when dating and in relationships

[Missy Love]

Relationships have always been hard for me, and as time goes on, they get harder and harder. It seems that no matter what or who, I don't ever feel truly loved, which can destroy the joy that I experience in love. I've had a series of romantic relationships and am in one currently. Over time, rather than feeling more secure and trusting in the relationship, I feel more threatened and worried. Even if the person has done everything they can to show me love and dedication, I still feel this way. The person has more and more emotional power over me, even if they haven't done anything to cause me to worry. It can cause me to go into a depression because I think about potential situations that could hurt or threaten the relationship. In my current relationship, my partner feels that I get hurt and upset about situations that aren't real, but that I imagine. For instance, a partner's ex from many years ago, who there is no longer contact. I feel that I can't compare to the ex and worry that my partner still wishes they were with them versus me. I feel jealous that they shared an experience with someone else before me and then feel depressed about what they shared. Or, a partner is just responding politely in public, and I feel that they are showing romantic interest. Or, in a group setting, I worry that they are attracted to someone else. I also find as time goes on, I search for things out of fear that they're true. I recognize that this is not healthy, and I want to be able to fix it. Suggestions? 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

 I recognize that this is not healthy, and I want to be able to fix it. 

Ok Good insight and an excellent place to start. 

Get to a physician for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health including depression, anxiety, obsessions, etc.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

A therapist can help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with  more productive  ways to frame things, cope and manage stress.

Edited December 2, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Missy Love]

I have worked with a therapist, but it seems to still come out in romantic relationships. I really do not like feeling this way, and part of me feels maybe I should just be alone so I don't have to keep feeling these things. It can take away from the joy and happiness in life when I am always feeling fearful and sad. I thought that it had gotten better, but it's now starting again in this relationship too. My partners have felt that I punish them for their past, and then they are afraid to be honest. Knowing that they cared deeply for someone else, even if before me, hurts me, and I feel that I won't ever be who they truly wanted.   

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

I have worked with a therapist, but it seems to still come out in romantic relationships.

You are engaging in emotional abuse. You are beating them up for being innocent normal people who dare to attempt a relationship with you. "worked with a therapist" clearly has not helped you. You need to get to the root of why you are getting involved men in only to beat them up with what you call "insecurities".

[Missy Love]

I do not where this stems from, but I recognize it's come out in more than one relationship and that it's wrong. I know that I want to change. I don't want a partner to ever feel that way with me, and I don't enjoy feeling these things either. Sometimes I wonder if partnership just might not be for me. It makes me sad to think that because I have had some wonderful romantic partners, but I wasn't able to enjoy the relationships. 

[glows]

Are there specific instances where this feels stronger than other times? Did you rush into the relationships? It seems you feel threatened by a partner's past so instead of accepting it as part of them, you're afraid of it. Why do you perceive that this can hurt you? You are your own person with your own past and lessons you've learned along the way. I think your mindset comes from one that feels inherently helpless or powerless in face of trouble or crisis and you seem stuck in that one stage. 

Think of a time when you did overcome something difficult and didn't feel helpless. How did that make you feel? How did you get over that hump?

[Missy Love]

It feels stronger when it can seem like a partner is giving a lot of attention to someone else, or someone in their life is unfamiliar to me, who they share a bond with, even if harmless. It also happens when apart from my partner because my mind can get the best of me. I typically don't feel as insecure about people who I've met in my partner's life and interacted with, especially when it's clear my partner isn't more invested in them than in our relationship. I recognize the issue stems with me because it has eventually happened in every romantic relationship because everyone has experiences with others. Rationally, I recognize that's just life. I wish it didn't cause so much stress for me to the point that it can be hard to enjoy a relationship because I am thinking about how they might wish to be with someone else. I feel sad and fearful thinking that they could love someone more than me, or that they had another bond with someone else before me. As I said, I really don't want to feel this way. 

When I've gotten into relationships, it's because the other person initiated. Early on things are fine, but as we get closer, these feelings come up because it's hard for me to accept that they could love me. I've had my fair share of rejections and hurts, which I eventually moved on from, and I've lost relationships in the past because of this. I am now in one of the best relationships I've been in, and I'm sad these feelings are coming up again. 

I've been able to overcome some hurdles in life, it's just romantic relationships can be triggering for me.    

[dramafreezone]

Sounds like abandonment syndrome.  Did your father leave your family? 

Yeah you need to continue to work with a therapist.  This deep seeded fear you have isn't going to be fixed in a couple of months or a couple of years, it'll likely be a lifelong issue you'll have to work to manage.

[Missy Love]

I had a stable childhood family. I have had painful romantic relationships. I am currently involved with someone who has grown to care a lot about me. I find this hard to accept. I catch myself subconsciously looking for reasons why we aren’t right for each other, or why they might care about someone else more. If I am honest with myself, I feel there are things that bother me about this person, and our differences are frustrating to me. What is most hard is that I feel we are from very different worlds. This tends to happen in every relationship, and I decided to stay so far because I know that nothing will be perfect. I almost feel being single is much easier in life. 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Missy Love

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

 If I am honest with myself, I feel there are things that bother me about this person, and our differences are frustrating to me. What is most hard is that I feel we are from very different worlds.

Ok. Excellent. Focus on this. You're not compatible. So rather than grow this into an unmanageable deep seated issue, reflect on this.

Face that facts that you are simply not happy with him. Don't just coast along seething with resentments and fault finding until it blows up. 

Know when to pull the plug due to lack of connection. It's ok to end things that just don't feel right to you.

[smackie9]

On 12/2/2021 at 9:34 AM, Missy Love said:

I have worked with a therapist, but it seems to still come out in romantic relationships. I really do not like feeling this way, and part of me feels maybe I should just be alone so I don't have to keep feeling these things. It can take away from the joy and happiness in life when I am always feeling fearful and sad. I thought that it had gotten better, but it's now starting again in this relationship too. My partners have felt that I punish them for their past, and then they are afraid to be honest. Knowing that they cared deeply for someone else, even if before me, hurts me, and I feel that I won't ever be who they truly wanted.   

Not all therapists are the same. If any of your sessions have not come to a resolution or discovery that can help you move forward, then find another one.

What I see is that there are multiple things going on with you, and that's why you are still stuck. Has your therapist worked on your abandonment issues?

Edited December 5, 2021 by smackie9

[basil67]

One of the problems I see is that your feelings become a self fulfilling prophecy.  It's like: 

I feel insecure > partner reassures me > I feel better (repeat a few times)

I feel insecure > if I tell my partner he will help me > partner reassures me > I feel better (repeat a few times)

I feel insecure > If I tell my partner he will help me > partner is getting fed up and starting to feel really bad about the relationship  > reassures you > you feel better (repeat a few times)

I feel insecure > if I tell my partner he will help me > partner is getting really annoyed > dumps you.

So I would say that one of the answers is to stop sharing with the partner how you feel.  After all, there is nothing they can do to help you, so recognise that it's selfish to put these burdens on your partner.   Learning to self sooth is paramount.    Have any therapists taught you self soothing techniques?

 

[stillafool]

On 12/2/2021 at 12:34 PM, Missy Love said:

I have worked with a therapist, but it seems to still come out in romantic relationships. I really do not like feeling this way, and part of me feels maybe I should just be alone so I don't have to keep feeling these things. It can take away from the joy and happiness in life when I am always feeling fearful and sad. I thought that it had gotten better, but it's now starting again in this relationship too. My partners have felt that I punish them for their past, and then they are afraid to be honest. Knowing that they cared deeply for someone else, even if before me, hurts me, and I feel that I won't ever be who they truly wanted.   

I agree that you should stop entering relationships until you find the right therapist for help.  Just because other therapists haven't been able to help you make a break through don't give up on your mental health.  If you don't get PROFESSIONAL counseling you will continue feeling the way you do and sabatoging the relationships.   Please get professional help.

[Missy Love]

I sort of feel that no matter who I was with, this would still happen eventually. I feel conflicted as I am currently with someone who is very good to me, dedicated, we enjoy our times, except for these feelings that arise, which can feel tiring and hurtful for both of us. It’s not perfect, but I know no relationship would be. There have been experiences where I’ve felt a stronger spark, but I think the honeymoon phase would wear off no matter what. I feel if I were to end it, I would regret it. So yes, seems that I just need to do some reflection and exploring on my own. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Missy Love

[kendahke]

On 12/2/2021 at 10:36 AM, Missy Love said:

t seems that no matter what or who, I don't ever feel truly loved, which can destroy the joy that I experience in love.

The common denominator in all of those experiences is you... and you need to get to the bottom of that with a therapist. No love interest is ever going to fix this for you, nor should they. This is your heavy lift to resolve, not anyone else's.

[Girl Fade Away]

On 12/4/2021 at 10:06 AM, Missy Love said:

If I am honest with myself, I feel there are things that bother me about this person, and our differences are frustrating to me.

What is most hard is that I feel we are from very different worlds. 

@Missy Love, the above quoted is quite telling.  So allow me to toss this out for you to think about and consider. .

This sounds like it may be, in part, projection.  You are projecting your own frustrating feelings that this person is not the right person for you on to them, assume they feel the same, and fearful they will leave you because of it.  Find someone "better." 

Compare it to someone who is attracted to another person and is cheating or wants to cheat.  They will begin suspecting their partner wants to cheat also and become anxious and insecure, questioning them, seeking reassurance.  Even if their partner has done nothing to justify it, does not matter.  Because the person wants to cheat, they will project those feelings on to their partner and begin accusing and seeking reassurance.

Happens all the time, projection is quite common. We often do it unconsciously.

I realize you are not cheating or want to cheat but if you feel your partner isn't right for you, your differences are too great as you stated above, then you might be unconsciously projecting those feelings to your boyfriend(s) and mistakenly assume HE feels same, that HE is frustrated and doesn't think you're right for each other and will either break up with you or feel another woman is better suited for him, a better fit for him than you.

People do this when in the wrong relationships with the wrong person, but they stay because they don't want to be alone. 

Just something to consider, I have done it myself.  Now that I am more aware of projection and recognize these are my own feelings projected back to my boyfriends, I end the relationship and look for a man better suited to me.

Eventually you will meet a man YOU feel right about, where things don't bother you, your differences not that great, where you live in the same "worlds" (your word) and you might find those anxious insecure feelings disappear or diminish greatly.

Again just something to consider and talk to your therapist about.  Good luck! 

 

 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

Missy Love, below is a very shortened definition of projection from Psychology Today.

The mental process by which people attribute to others what is in their own minds. For example, individuals who are in a self-critical state, consciously or unconsciously, may think that other people are critical of them.

The underlined part, I do this myself, all the time, especially at work and school.  I can be my own worst enemy, very harshly critical of myself and assume my teachers or employers are in turn critical of me. 

When the truth is they are very happy with my work!!  I can then breathe a sigh of relief after being so anxious about it.  But that anxiety can last awhile until I get that reassurance that they're happy with my work and or I received a good grade.  Rinse repeat. 

You can apply the same to dating.  In the scenario in my previous post, OR your own feelings of unworthiness projected to your partner and assuming he also believes you unworthy and that he does or will find another woman more worthy, either an ex or someone new, and leave you. 

I'm not a shrink but I have learned about projection so perhaps it is something to discuss with your therapist.

Edited December 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Missy Love]

Thank you for sharing! This is all very helpful. I think I talk myself out of enjoying a relationship with someone out of fear. I am not sure if it’s that, or if it truly is that I am not compatible with my current partner. I see some couples who have been married for years, and they get on each other’s nerves, so I recognize that there isn’t a perfect person, and the sparks do eventually fizzle. Either way, I recognize that there’s something in me that desires more space, and I think some of these thoughts are my way of pushing relationships away.

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, Missy Love said:

I think I talk myself out of enjoying a relationship with someone out of fear.

That is quite insightful Missy Love.   I think you may be on your way to figuring this out! 

[Wiseman2]

It seems you want more love than you're willing to give. That's the main issue.

You don't really even like this man. You're not compatible. So try not to string anyone along because you feel too passive to either work it out or set yourselves free.

[Missy Love]

Sadly, in every relationship I’ve had, it gets to a point of feeling like it would be a relief it were to end, which is why I am thinking perhaps a partnership just isn’t meant for me.