My boss keeps asking my gf/co-worker, instead of asking me this.

[ironpony]

Me and my gf work together in the same place and I wasn't sure if I should post this here, or in the dating forum since it kind of falls into both.  If it's in the wrong place, I apologize.  But here goes... My boss has been asking my gf if I would be okay switching this shift, working these extra hours, etc, and then gets her to ask me instead of asking me directly.  But why?  Why does he keep doing this instead of just asking me directly to my face?

I think the reason might be is because he thinks that she is more likely to say yes to his requests on my behalf than I am, but that is just a guess.  But I told her that whenever he does this, for her to just refer him to me rather than answering for me, or asking me and then getting back to him.

But she seems to take this as defensive and seemed kind of insulted by this, as if she wanted to be a conduit between me and him.  Now she seems insulted that I asked her stop being a conduit, if he tries to get her to be.  Like for example, the boss wanted to know what I was doing on a certain day on a day off, and I told her to just lie to him about I am doing because I don't want him to know.  She then said she isn't comfortable lying for me.  And I'm thinking well, you offered to fufill his request on speaking on my behalf about me, so therefore you are putting yourself in the position of lying for me, instead of just referring him to me directly instead.  But that's just an example, of how she may feel defensive about this.

But what do you think or am I just overthinking this whole thing maybe, and he doesn't have any alterior motives for not asking me directly and going through her instead?

Edited December 2, 2021 by ironpony

[vla1120]

My daughter and her boyfriend worked at the same place for awhile. They had the same issue. The owner would go to my daughter to ask her if her boyfriend was available to work this day or that day. My daughter told him "I don't know. You'll have to ask "said boyfriend."" This is what your girlfriend should be saying, too. Your boss should not be asking her in the first place. You could also go to him and ask him to talk to you directly from now on, and that you do not expect to be held to any agreements your girlfriend makes on your behalf.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, ironpony said:

My boss has been asking my gf if I would be okay switching this shift, working these extra hours, etc, and then gets her to ask me

Who told you this? Is your GF your direct supervisor?

Stop bossing your GF around. She can speak to whoever she wants about work issues. Perhaps they do not want you causing more trouble at work and asked her if she is more comfortable with you off the same shift as her?

If what you are say or she is saying is true, speak to the boss yourself about it rather than intimidating your GF about it.

You have already started a report on you about  inappropriate behaviors at work. As you know she can go back and tell tell you are being inappropriate, yet again . Speak to your own superiors about whatever shift changes you want. Perhaps they are protecting her?

[ironpony]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who told you this? Is your GF your direct supervisor?

Stop bossing your GF around. She can speak to whoever she wants about work issues. Perhaps they do not want you causing more trouble at work and asked her if she is more comfortable with you off the same shift as her?

If what you are say or she is saying is true, speak to the boss yourself about it rather than intimidating your GF about it.

You have already started a report on you about  inappropriate behaviors at work. As you know she can go back and tell tell you are being inappropriate, yet again . Speak to your own superiors about whatever shift changes you want. Perhaps they are protecting her?

Protecting her from what though?

No my gf is not my direct supervisor.  She is a supervisor in another department that doesn't have anything to do with what I do.  She ships and recieves products, and I run the company website and social media.  So aren't those too fields unrelated, and therefore it doesn't make sense of him to ask her about when I am available and when I am not in quick schedule changes?

I don't mean to intimidate my gf about it, but I still have to ask her to refer the boss to me to speak to me directly if the boss keeps talking to her about it, don't I?

Edited December 2, 2021 by ironpony

[vla1120]

6 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I don't mean to intimidate my gf about it, but I still have to ask her to refer the boss to me to speak to me directly if the boss keeps talking to her about it, don't I?

Yes. You still need to have her refer him to you. Tell her she shouldn't feel offended. I'm sure if her boss came to you to ask you about whether she wants to work different shifts, etc., she would rather her boss go directly to her. Right?

Why do you think he approaches her about your availability? 

[FMW]

Ask your boss why he is asking her about your availability.  Ask your girlfriend why she thinks she should speak on your behalf. 

Are you positive you understand the official chain of command?  You say she is not your direct supervisor, but is she in a position that would still allow her to make decisions about your job? Your boss should not be going to anyone else to ask about your availability unless you report to them and they in turn report to him.  

[ironpony]

Yeah if the boss asked me to talk to her I would just say that he should probably ask her.  As to why he asks her instead, I think it's because of this other thing at work with her, that I posted before here:

 

She has trouble saying no when she wants to, to the boss when it comes to working overtime.  So it's my theory that the boss asks her because he feels she will not say no, unlike me sometimes, and he is hoping she will say yes on my behalf, which she almost has it seems, as it seems this is tough or awkward for her.  So that is why I think he asks her instead on my behalf.

 

[ironpony]

6 minutes ago, FMW said:

Ask your boss why he is asking her about your availability.  Ask your girlfriend why she thinks she should speak on your behalf. 

Are you positive you understand the official chain of command?  You say she is not your direct supervisor, but is she in a position that would still allow her to make decisions about your job? Your boss should not be going to anyone else to ask about your availability unless you report to them and they in turn report to him.  

I asked her and she said that she is a supervisor in another department and that she does not make any decisions about my job.  She wouldn't have a reason to lie to me about this would she?

Also, the boss didn't start asking her on my behalf, until he found out about the relationship.  He never asked her on my behalf before, so the timing would suggest that our relationship is the motivation for him asking her, isn't it, based on the timing?

Another thing, is the boss asks her to ask me the next time she sees me, as in on a date.  She is asking on my behalf while we are on a date or hanging out, outside of work, so it's not a chain of command thing, if she is asking outside of work on his behalf, is it?  If she has authority to make decisions about when I work, then shouldn't she be asking me these questions, at work, instead outside of it?

Edited December 2, 2021 by ironpony

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Protecting her from what though? She is a supervisor in another department that doesn't have anything to do with what I do. 

Perhaps they do not want you working the same shift  since the incident report about the inappropriate behavior and asked her if she would feel more comfortable if you were on another shift.

Unfortunately since you have been dating her, you seem to be having difficulty understanding your bosses, supervisors, handbook, notices and what appropriate behavior at work is.

Perhaps the only way to protect her and her job is to remove you from her shift and they asked her or perhaps she asked them. She need to protect her job and they need to protect her, since you claim you 'did not understand' the warning they gave you and gave them a hard time about it.

She is a 21 woman, you're a middle aged man. They know this and they know you're a problem employee.

 

[ironpony]

But if they want to switch our shifts, then why don't they just do it, without asking her to ask me, outside of work.  Isn't them asking her to ask me, outside of work, unprofessional instead of them just asking me to my face?

I just feel that if they want an employee to switch the shift, that they should talk to the employee directly about it rather than ask another employee to talk to that employee, just because it's the employees gf and feel that asking her to ask him is more likely to get a different answer.

Edited December 2, 2021 by ironpony

[FMW]

Tell your boss you are trying to keep your personal life separate from your work life and that she does not speak for you on work matters.  

It makes no sense that the powers that be at your work were recently concerned about your relationship with her, but now your boss is the one involving her in your work life.  

 

[ironpony]

Just now, FMW said:

Tell your boss you are trying to keep your personal life separate from your work life and that she does not speak for you on work matters.  

It makes no sense that the powers that be at your work were recently concerned about your relationship with her, but now your boss is the one involving her in your work life.  

 

Oh okay.  This is how I felt about it too, is that I am trying to keep things professional but now the boss is getting more involved in the relationship instead of just keeping things professional, and speaking to us separately rather than getting one of us to be a conduit to another, if that makes sense.

[ironpony]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps they do not want you working the same shift  since the incident report about the inappropriate behavior and asked her if she would feel more comfortable if you were on another shift.

Unfortunately since you have been dating her, you seem to be having difficulty understanding your bosses, supervisors, handbook, notices and what appropriate behavior at work is.

Perhaps the only way to protect her and her job is to remove you from her shift and they asked her or perhaps she asked them. She need to protect her job and they need to protect her, since you claim you 'did not understand' the warning they gave you and gave them a hard time about it.

She is a 21 woman, you're a middle aged man. They know this and they know you're a problem employee.

 

Well the age difference was brought before, but does the boss really care about that as long as we are doing the work he asks?  I mean if I were the boss of a company, as long as the work is done, I don't care what people do in their personal lives as long as it's legal.  But would I be wrong to think that is the professional way to be?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

  But would I be wrong to think that is the professional way to be?

They already issued a warning to you about being unprofessional and had you sign it. If you have questions, ask your direct supervisor about it. 

[ironpony]

I understand that but now they are trying to use my relationship to their advantage to try to get me work overtime, etc.  I have no problem working more, it's just that I don't like they using the relationship to their advantage to try to get it, rather than asking me to face, instead of asking her.  So I want to professional, but want them to be as well and not attempt to use to the relationship to their advantage.  That's not asking too much is it?

Edited December 2, 2021 by ironpony

[elaine567]

Is this the overall  boss?
If it is why would he want to talk to you?
Maybe he does not talk much to the "minions", preferring to get his supervisors to sort it out with the workers.
He delegates to your gf as she is your gf, though not your actual direct supervisor....

[ironpony]

It's not the biggest boss, but more like third biggest.  It's just he's never done it before, so why did he start now, suspiciously after he now found out that were are dating.  The timing is too "coincidental", so he is up to something asking her, now that he knows we are in a relationship, since he never asked her before he found out.

But if I give my gf the answer to take back to the boss, she says she doesn't feel comfortable lying about me not being available on certain days.  Well now that she is my gf, she will know if it's a lie, but isn't that the position she chose to take on when she asked me to be in a relationship with her in a sense though, if she chooses to relay messages?

Edited December 2, 2021 by ironpony

[ironpony]

I could go to the boss, and say that she said to me that she was asking me questions on your behalf but from now on, please just ask me directly, without asking her.  But if I say this to the boss, will that make her look bad in anyway to him or make things worse for her in any way? 

[elaine567]

He is your boss. As your position is somewhat shaky as regards what happened recently then stay quiet.
He decides who he discusses things with, he has decided to ask your gf rather than speaking to you.
You cannot tell him what to do, so don't even try...

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, I won't ask him to do so then.  But I want my gf to not answer any more questions on my behalf then and ask her that whenever he asks her, do not say anything else, other than tell him to ask me directly instead.  Is that the best thing to do?

[elaine567]

He is her boss too, she  will not want to appear  unco-operative and unhelpful in front of him, as that will do her no favours at all.
She will want to appear competent and in charge.
I am not sure why you are making a big deal of it? What  do you want to hide? Why is it necessary she lies for you?

[ironpony]

I don' t have to lie, it's just that if I tell her to tell the boss I won't be available that day, the boss will then ask her, 'oh what's he doing', etc.  So the boss is asking more than he needs to know I find and I don't want her to tell the boss things about my personal life, and what I do on certain days off is my business.  Is that too much to ask?  So she doesn't have to lie for me, but she feels she has to tell him something when he asks her what I am doing.  So I don't know what to tell her, so since she feels she has to tell him more, I feel stumped and just say lie then.  But what should I do if I feel stumped on what to tell her to tell him?

If he asks her to ask me, what I am doing on certain days, and I don't feel it's his business, what do I tell her to say then?

But also, let's say the boss has made it part of her job to ask me.  If this is part of her job, why does the boss call her while she is on a date with me to ask me then?  If it's her job to ask me as a supervisor, than can she not wait will we are at the office to do this?  Why does she have to take the bosses calls while me and her are hanging out or are intiminate with each other outside of work, and ask me then?  Is it too much of me to ask that she does this in the office while we are working instead?

Edited December 2, 2021 by ironpony

[elaine567]

How old is this boss?

[ironpony]

35-45 something around, why?

Edited December 2, 2021 by ironpony

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, ironpony said:

why does the boss call her while she is on a date with me

My guess he has no interest in you, but has an "interest" in your gf.