She told me something is missing, but doesn't know what?

[Toebone]

Hi

So I was dating a girl a few months back, we dated about 7/8 weeks. Everything was going great felt a genuine connection we spoke everyday, she said to me I was important to her, I was a keeper, the total package and that she would like me to meet her family in time. Then after our final date, by this time I made my mind up that I liked the girl and felt like it could go somewhere which I was honest with her about, she went cold and distant. Then told me that theres something missing for her regards us becoming a couple, so when I asked she said "I don't know, I always lose interest easily and I hate myself for it, I just know something is missing for me but I don't know what it is, I think I have bipolar or something"

I was confused totally because of the things she said prior, and I couldn't work it out. Any advice on if anyone else has had this done would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Toebone said:

 I was dating a girl a few months back, we dated about 7/8 weeks. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately this is a variation of "it's me not you".

Were you exclusive? How old is she? Was there an on/off  BF in the background?

Hopefully you have deleted and blocked her since this brief dating situation was over months ago.

Dating 60 days or so is to get to know each other. In this case forget her excuse for ending it because it's meaningless.

Edited December 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Toebone]

No not exclusive, she is 38 and she told me her past relationship was up and down about 4 years prior to meeting me. Part of me thinks she was scared of making a commitment when I expressed myself that I liked her. Was very confused with the leading on comments to what transpired

[Fox Sake]

20 minutes ago, Toebone said:

No not exclusive, she is 38 and she told me her past relationship was up and down about 4 years prior to meeting me. Part of me thinks she was scared of making a commitment when I expressed myself that I liked her. Was very confused with the leading on comments to what transpired

I think you pretty much nailed it. 
when you expressed your undivided devotion she pulled away. 

I’ve been in this position myself but as a male. As soon as the chase is over,  I get bored and move on , or think I can do better. It was definitely a fear of commitment on my part. Presently I’m ready for another relationship, but that’s the first time I’ve felt like that in 6 years. Everyone in between has gone down pretty much like your situation. Mostly it was my shout (occasionally theirs) and I went through the same questions your ex is currently asking herself. 
 

the best thing you can do right now is go no contact. it will help you heal , it will help you move on and there’s a small chance it may actually solve some of the issues here because if you want this girl back, then you need to become the same challenge you were before you told her you liked her. Do you really want to be with someone if they clearly aren’t ready for commitment? 

[Blind-Sided]

2 hours ago, Toebone said:

I was confused totally because of the things she said prior, and I couldn't work it out. Any advice on if anyone else has had this done would be appreciated. Thanks.

I'm known some girls who say things to try to convince themselves that it's the right thing. 

[Toebone]

41 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I think you pretty much nailed it. 
when you expressed your undivided devotion she pulled away. 

I’ve been in this position myself but as a male. As soon as the chase is over,  I get bored and move on , or think I can do better. It was definitely a fear of commitment on my part. Presently I’m ready for another relationship, but that’s the first time I’ve felt like that in 6 years. Everyone in between has gone down pretty much like your situation. Mostly it was my shout (occasionally theirs) and I went through the same questions your ex is currently asking herself. 
 

the best thing you can do right now is go no contact. it will help you heal , it will help you move on and there’s a small chance it may actually solve some of the issues here because if you want this girl back, then you need to become the same challenge you were before you told her you liked her. Do you really want to be with someone if they clearly aren’t ready for commitment? 

Fox Sake:

Appreciate that input. Did you realise that it was something in you that needing addressing as to why you got bored when the chase was over sort of speak? And now you feel fully ready for a relationship after the 6 years? I accept we are all different and personally I'll never understand why people lose interest when they've got the other person to like them especially when things like what I got told about being a total package to her.

To be fair I've deleted all contacts. Yeah it had been a long long time since I felt a genuine connection like that and seen potential in her as a couple, it would be great to hear from her again but I'm not chasing as that would be needy as she said she doesn't see long term in us as a couple because of the feeling of something missing.

[ExpatInItaly]

What caused her to feel this way isn't that important, really. 

It doesn't change her bottom line and you may never quite understand it. Maybe she's trying to talk herself out of commitment, or maybe it's something that might hurt to hear (not that attracted to you after the first thrills wore off, an ex came back, met someone else) and she's trying to preserve your feelings. 

The point is that she isn't the right match for you. 

[Fox Sake]

14 minutes ago, Toebone said:

Fox Sake:

Appreciate that input. Did you realise that it was something in you that needing addressing as to why you got bored when the chase was over sort of speak? And now you feel fully ready for a relationship after the 6 years? I accept we are all different and personally I'll never understand why people lose interest when they've got the other person to like them especially when things like what I got told about being a total package to her.

To be fair I've deleted all contacts. Yeah it had been a long long time since I felt a genuine connection like that and seen potential in her as a couple, it would be great to hear from her again but I'm not chasing as that would be needy as she said she doesn't see long term in us as a couple because of the feeling of something missing.

No problem. I would t use my personal answers as an insight into her thought pattern tho, cos it could be totally different. But I get that you probably just want to try and gain some sort of clarity or understanding, or peace within yourself. 
 

Ill be brutally honest. I wasn’t over my ex. That’s why it took me so many years to feel I was ready again. Nothing really matched up to it. I couldn’t give anyone a fair shot either cos I just didn’t want to give anyone the chance. Part scared , part protecting my heart, part liking feeling desired and being a prize. 
 

Now I’m ready. I don’t know why, I just am. I’ve spent a long time reflecting over the years and finding out what I do and don’t want, and what I will and will not put up with.  Now I hold out for the magic connections only 
 

Well done for deleting contact. Now just focus on you and who knows what the future will hold for you. 

Edited December 3, 2021 by Fox Sake

[Pumpernickel]

@Toebone

51 minutes ago, Toebone said:

what I got told about being a total package to her.

It’s just words, and that was a while ago. She changed her mind. The attraction just isn’t there for her, or she met somebody else. Good for you for not chasing further. At least she was honest about it. 

[Girl Fade Away]

2 hours ago, Toebone said:

I'll never understand why people lose interest when they've got the other person to like them especially when things like what I got told about being a total package to her.

Because her initial interest was based on the 'image' she had of you, the fantasy.  How could it not be?  You had just met and you only dated 7-8 weeks.  

Once you revealed your feelings and that your relationship could 'go somewhere' (like commitment), it all became real and suddenly as fast as she came on, she pulled out just as fast.  

This can happen literally overnight, one day it's ON, next day it's OFF.

In a word, it's FEAR.

But do NOT try to get into her head or analyze it, the result is the same.  She doesn't want what you want at least not with you (sorry) best to move on.

As a side, the type of man to hold her longer term is a man whose avoidant issues are greater than her own, who keeps her guessing and wondering, hot/cold, off/on, exactly like her ex was for four years. 

She may complain, but her interest will remain in tact like it did with her ex for four years, in fact it's possible she is still not over him.

Edited December 3, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[glows]

That would be an immediate turn off, hot/cold. Trust your gut on this. At 38, inserting a "maybe I'm bipolar or something" is really no excuse and quite offensive especially to individuals who do have bipolar and are actively seeking or on treatment. 

Please expect more out of your dates. Let go of this one. You're free now to pursue better.

Edited December 3, 2021 by glows

[Pumpernickel]

31 minutes ago, glows said:

a "maybe I'm bipolar or something" is really no excuse and quite offensive

Yeah, I totally forgot about that. That’s not only a dumb thing to say, but also disrespectful & immature. 

[flitzanu]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately this is a variation of "it's me not you".

Were you exclusive? How old is she? Was there an on/off  BF in the background?

Hopefully you have deleted and blocked her since this brief dating situation was over months ago.

Dating 60 days or so is to get to know each other. In this case forget her excuse for ending it because it's meaningless.

this. 

trying to dissect any meaning is just going to be futile, this is basically her saying that she really isn't as into it as you are for whatever reason.  that's the cue to move along and accept her breaking up.

[Lotsgoingon]

You write, she said to me I was important to her, I was a keeper, the total package and that she would like me to meet her family in time. 

Believe it or not: none of those words indicate strong attraction or strong and selfish desire to be with you.  Her words sound like admiration for your character, and your goodness. Which is wonderful. But people attracted to us don't really talk that way early on.  Instead, they just light up when they see us. Their voice brightens and soothes when they talk to us (this is why texting is so misleading--because people naturally try to be witty and vibrant while texting). They put their hands on us when we meet (and not just for making out) and they prioritize time with us--seriously prioritize time and make themselves ultra-available for getting together. 

Sounds like she didn't know herself well enough to pick up that she was admiring you but not viscerally drawn to you.

A typical scenario is a woman dates a lot of charismatic jerks that she is strongly attracted to--but gets hurt in the process. (Guys can get caught up in this scenario as well. Some guys asexualize a super sweet woman--underestimating her sex drive and passion.) So she tries to correct (avoid jerks and hurt) by seeking out an honorable man. Only she over-corrects and loses sight of the importance of attraction. Sounds to like something along these lines could have happened here.

And people really don't feel comfortable explaining what was really going on. 

 

[Toebone]

Thanks all. Really helped from an outside point of view that's why I like to share and get advice as I'm not very good at hints sort of speak.

As well as the immature and disrespectful comment about the bipolar which by the way thank you for pointing out as I overlooked that as what it is, now this is an absolute first for me which completely bamboozled me she claimed quote "I'm an alpha female, need an alpha male big character like" I've never heard a man or woman ever say anything like that before, thought it was quite patronising to be fair. I mean maybe others have heard such things but again threw confusion into the mix. Again thanks all for the input, it helps me understand things for future reference.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, Toebone said:

she claimed quote "I'm an alpha female, need an alpha male big character like" 

 You dodged a bullet. Ok let her go date a pitbull.

[Lotsgoingon]

I agree you dodged a bullet. It's hard to not feel rejected at first, but whatever happened with her was going to happen at some point if you guys stayed together. 

BTW: keep being admirable! That is attractive to a lot of people.