She [30] broke up with me [34] because I didn't want to see her family

[moonface123]

We dated for 2 years. She broke it off a couple of weeks ago because I refused to socialise with her family and friends. Her father made me uncomfortable the last time we visited them (unsolicited advices and questions like "what's your intention with my daughter, do you love each other, if you have issues in life just talk about it). This made me made as he shouldn't be telling me what to do or ask questions like this. It wasn't in a hostile manner, he just simply popped this questions once nobody was around. 

I always figured, nobody should ask me to do things that I don't want to do. I don't know these people and I shouldn't be forced to sit through a dinner with them if I don't want to. Same goes for her friends. Why on earth should I get to know them? I have my own friends, I don't need more (she knows my family and friends, meets them regularly as they live in the same town as we do - her friends and family live 3 hours away, so it is an overnight stay during visits). I only met her friends maybe once for a very short time. They didn't resonate with me really. 

This friend and family stuff has been an ongoing issue for 2 years and I don't understand why can't she accept that I don't want to know them. I always told her that if we have children, they can go and see their grandparents but don't expect me to go and see them with them very often. She has been going to meet them alone most of the time anyways in the past two years. She was always mad that she had to make up an excuse why I am never there - I told her no excuse is needed, just tell them I don't want to go, I have other plans. 

Was it right from her to demand from me to go with her to family events and to go to friends' birthday parites?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, moonface123 said:

. She broke it off a couple of weeks ago because I refused to socialise with her family and friends.  

I always figured, nobody should ask me to do things that I don't want to do. 

She made the right call. When you position yourself as a rebel without a cause and refuse to be polite or considerate, that's the way things will go until you realize it's not all about you.

[Blind-Sided]

Yep.... I agree with @Wiseman2.  From your post... you paint a picture of.... "I don't want to know them... because I don't want to".   That is not an adult attitude, and is one sided.  If someone is important to your GF, then you should make the attempt for her sake.   Like you said... they live 3 hrs away... why would it bother you if a couple times I year you put on a happy face to make your GF happy?  
 

[moonface123]

Okay but why does she tried to force me to meet them if I don't want to? In a relationship, we should only do what is comfortable for us. 

[Fox Sake]

2 minutes ago, moonface123 said:

Okay but why does she tried to force me to meet them if I don't want to? In a relationship, we should only do what is comfortable for us. 

The other guys are absolutely correct. 
In a relationship you compromise. If you just want to do what’s comfortable for you, then you be single and leave her alone. 

Her father was just being a father. If those normal questions and kind advice he gave you made you feel uncomfortable, then you leave her to find someone who does want to be a part of her life. He was testing your honour and you didn’t pass. I wouldn’t want someone like that with my daughter if I had one.   
 

I see absolutely nothing wrong here but your attitude and outlook towards her family. You basically told her that her family is s*** and you don’t want anything to do with them , even if you had kids. Put yourself in her shoes. You’re basically showing her that you don’t care or like any of the people she holds dear to her. Honestly, it just looks childish and disrespectful on your part man  

 

[moonface123]

I feel her family is too involved in her life. I told her this. She is 30. Her dad keeps helping her with stuff like painting her condo and with electrician works. I wanted to help her as well but didn't go when I realised that her parents will be there as well. So, I tried but she didn't cancel her dad. 

[Fox Sake]

50 minutes ago, moonface123 said:

I feel her family is too involved in her life. I told her this. She is 30. Her dad keeps helping her with stuff like painting her condo and with electrician works. I wanted to help her as well but didn't go when I realised that her parents will be there as well. So, I tried but she didn't cancel her dad. 

I’m surprised, you’ve had 3 brutally honest answers and you’re still excusing things with out reflection on what’s being said to you. 
You knew what you were getting yourself into. It should have been obvious the last 2 years what her family dynamic is.

You’ve tried to change that, and by the sounds of it, also tried to change her relationship with her family by telling her they’re too involved in her life and you won’t ever see them. You sound mean    If you reject her family you are rejecting her too. I don’t understand why this isn’t all obvious considering how close they are. If they were family of convicts and rapists I could understand you not liking them but really it just looks petty as it is because you want to control her life and not her dad. Her dad is likely her hero. You can’t take that away. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if she hadn’t discussed this with her family already and that was part of the course for her leaving you. Family can have a big influence on your relationships and I don’t know any parent who wouldn’t tell their daughter “you can do better” if they were in her position. Plus you rejecting her family and not willing to see them is rude and insulting. Dads want to know their daughters will be respected and taken care of  (in my experience of dating).  You didn’t show that to her or to them. 
 
Not having a go at you, but you do need a sharp wake up call. I don’t even know what to suggest from here out but I do hope you find some peace and maybe try and put yourself in her shoes. 
 

 

[Fox Sake]

Oh and just you know , I did exactly what you did once in my teens. That’s probably why I’m so annoyed reading it, because I now know better, and you should too over the age of 30. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that the problem here is you and not her relationship with her family. I tell you this with respect and the hope that you will do a little soul searching 

[larsen]

4 hours ago, moonface123 said:

Okay but why does she tried to force me to meet them if I don't want to? In a relationship, we should only do what is comfortable for us. 

That's not true. In a relationship we often have to make compromises to meet the needs of our partner.

Accepting her family and visiting with them on occasion is one of the most basic of compromises. It's probably extremely uncomfortable and upsetting for her to have to make excuses for you not wanting to be there, and it's rather astounding that you are so insensitive to her in this regard.

Also I'm not seeing anything so bad about what her father is saying- he's not telling you to do anything, he's simply inquiring as he's concerned about his daughter. Perhaps it's brought on because of your unfriendliness towards her parents.

You take offense way too quickly, might want to work on that. You know the expression "You marry the girl, you marry the family".

 

[FMW]

Her father helping her paint is very normal.  All the fathers I know would do anything for their daughters, no matter how grown up they are, and painting is a very normal thing with which he would help.  It's certainly not an example of over-involvement in her life.  It's also very normal for family to enjoy spending time together, whether engaging in mundane necessities like painting or in special occasions like getting together for holidays and birthdays.  

You wanting her to cancel her dad coming over to help and being the only one there for her is a indication that you might want to isolate her from everyone else so that you have more influence over her.  If it's simply because you want nothing to do with her family (or friends), that's equally concerning.  It expresses your rejection of what is nearest and dearest to her, and so in turn, a rejection of an important part of who she is.   

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, moonface123 said:

We dated for 2 years. She broke it off a couple of weeks ago because I refused to socialise with her family and friends. Her father made me uncomfortable the last time we visited them (unsolicited advices and questions like "what's your intention with my daughter, do you love each other, if you have issues in life just talk about it). This made me made as he shouldn't be telling me what to do or ask questions like this. It wasn't in a hostile manner, he just simply popped this questions once nobody was around. 

I always figured, nobody should ask me to do things that I don't want to do. I don't know these people and I shouldn't be forced to sit through a dinner with them if I don't want to. Same goes for her friends. Why on earth should I get to know them? I have my own friends, I don't need more (she knows my family and friends, meets them regularly as they live in the same town as we do - her friends and family live 3 hours away, so it is an overnight stay during visits). I only met her friends maybe once for a very short time. They didn't resonate with me really. 

This friend and family stuff has been an ongoing issue for 2 years and I don't understand why can't she accept that I don't want to know them. I always told her that if we have children, they can go and see their grandparents but don't expect me to go and see them with them very often. She has been going to meet them alone most of the time anyways in the past two years. She was always mad that she had to make up an excuse why I am never there - I told her no excuse is needed, just tell them I don't want to go, I have other plans. 

Was it right from her to demand from me to go with her to family events and to go to friends' birthday parites?

She can break up with you for any reason she wants.  If your nosehairs are too long she can break up with you, and the same for her with you. 

In this specific case, if she wants something more and you're unwiilling to comply, then she probably feels like moving forward would be a waste of time.  It's probably for the best as you'e not going to be able to have a family, raise children and not socialize with her immediate family.  You don't have to be best friends with them but if raising a family is on the table, then it's unreasonable to have no relationship with her family.

The whole "I don't want to do it" is childish, that's what children say.  Adults have to do things they don't want to do, it's called being responsible.  If she can't count on you to do responsible things because "I don't want to" then she's probably making a smart choice to move on.  She's not asking you to join a cult.

I think this was the wrong hill to die on, just my opinion.

Edited December 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[glows]

It sounds like you were overwhelmed by her family and possibly not ready for that kind of commitment. There's a culture/background clash, difference of opinions and views about how involved each of you are with your respective families. You made up your mind that you dislike them so that attitude unfortunately will set you back and your partner and her family will feel some disappointment.

I think this break up would have happened regardless of whether it's now or years from now. The relationship would have ended because you're both too different or dissimilar in your views, not enough respect or consideration for each other and you may have different goals for yourselves as people. 

There are people who, for any reason, don't keep in touch with their families or think the way you do but I'd work on more compromise as a whole if you're interested in a longer term relationship. 

[flitzanu]

6 hours ago, moonface123 said:

I feel her family is too involved in her life. I told her this. She is 30. Her dad keeps helping her with stuff like painting her condo and with electrician works. I wanted to help her as well but didn't go when I realised that her parents will be there as well. So, I tried but she didn't cancel her dad. 

my parents are 70 and still help me with things.  what is it that you are so against about having someone's family actually care and support their children?

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, moonface123 said:

I feel her family is too involved in her life. I told her this. She is 30. Her dad keeps helping her with stuff like painting her condo and with electrician works. I wanted to help her as well but didn't go when I realised that her parents will be there as well. So, I tried but she didn't cancel her dad. 

I take from this that your relationship with your parents is not that great?

And why shouldn't he help his daughter? What's wrong with that? My parents help me all the time and I don't live with them. I help them all the time.  I actually see no problem, in fact, I want to date guy who gets along with his parents and siblings.  

8 hours ago, moonface123 said:

(unsolicited advices and questions like "what's your intention with my daughter, do you love each other, if you have issues in life just talk about it). This made me made as he shouldn't be telling me what to do or ask questions like this. It wasn't in a hostile manner, he just simply popped this questions once nobody was around. 

Normal questions. Is there a reason you got all that defensive and could not tell her father that you love his daughters and want to have a long term relationship with her? You did love her, didn't you? If you have difficulty answering basic normal questions, it makes me think that you were not that serious about her in a first place.

[notbroken]

It would be a MUCH bigger 'red flag' if she didn't want you to meet with her relatives.   Dealing with relatives is part of having a girlfriend/spouse.   Honestly, you failed in that and it cost you her company.   More than likely, the next person you are with will be much the same.  If they are not - THAT is a red flag.  Sorry, but this wasn't on her.  

[dramafreezone]

9 hours ago, moonface123 said:

"what's your intention with my daughter, do you love each other, if you have issues in life just talk about it

Why not just answer him like a man, calm cool and collected?  He's qualifying you and you let him control the interaction.  I imagine you didn't enjoy this interaction because you didn't know how to take control of this type of situation.  He was testing you.

I would've flipped it on him, ask him questions about her.

Edited December 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Alvi]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

Why not just answer him like a man, calm cool and collected?  He's qualifying you and you let him control the interaction.  I imagine you didn't enjoy this interaction because you didn't know how to take control of this type of situation.  It's the man version of a shite-test.

I would've flipped it on him, ask him questions about her.

Oh maybe truthfully tell her father how he feels about his daughter. What shyt test? lol Only angry, defensive people that have something to hide think that the normal questions are about people testing them. If a person has nothing to hide, he or she hides nothing, lol.  Of course it is her father's business if this guy is going to mistreat or somehow  hurt his daughter. A guy with good an honorable intentions would probably realize that and try get on her father's good side. Definitely would not act like a child, throwing temper tantrums and wanting her to cut her parents our of her life. And why stop with her parents. He hates her friends too. Let's isolate her from her friends as well. She doesn't need those people in her life, after all, she has him. Wow.  Isn't that what abusers do?

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

Oh maybe truthfully tell her father how he feels about his daughter. What shyt test? lol Only angry, defensive people that have something to hide think that the normal questions are about people testing them. If a person has nothing to hide, he or she hides nothing, lol.  Of course it is her father's business if this guy is going to mistreat or somehow  hurt his daughter. A guy with good an honorable intentions would probably realize that and try get on her father's good side. 

I understand this side of it.  I don't fully agree.  

Part of me sides with the OP.  Man to man, I don't really care what another man thinks about my relationship with a woman.  Truthfully, I just don't care.  I've never been a fan of this old-world type of thinking that the BF has to prove himself worthy of the daughter, has to ask the father for her hand in marriage.  The relationship and what goes on in it (as long as there's no abuse) is none of his concern.  Even as a small boy that never made any sense to me.  We're all just people here, none is better than the other.

That said, *this* particular man happens to be her father, whose opinion she values a great deal.  For *her,* I would make the effort to engage with the father in a civilized manner, but certainly not with this posture that I have to prove myself to him or gain his favor.  I'd answer his questions in a manner that I would speak to any other regular person that deserves respect, and if that's good enough it is, if not it's not  I've never been one to place the father of the GF on some exalted status.  We're all just people here, no kings, queens, pricessess or any of that.  Just my opinion, I know people aren't going to agree with it and that's ok.

Ironically, I've gotten along great with every GF father that I've ever met.  Men understand men, and I know another man will respect someone that isn't groveling, or being fake just to get what he wants.  If someone is interrogating me like this father was doing to him then I'm going to stand up to it, not avoid or meekly answer without some questions of my own.  Maybe I need to question him to determine if I want to be in *his family* if this is going to be the norm.

But miss me with this "get on his good side" angle.  If we get along, great, but I'm not going to try to force something that isn't there.  We'll be civil either way.

Edited December 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[larsen]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

Oh maybe truthfully tell her father how he feels about his daughter. What shyt test? lol Only angry, defensive people that have something to hide think that the normal questions are about people testing them. If a person has nothing to hide, he or she hides nothing, lol.  Of course it is her father's business if this guy is going to mistreat or somehow  hurt his daughter. A guy with good an honorable intentions would probably realize that and try get on her father's good side. Definitely would not act like a child, throwing temper tantrums and wanting her to cut her parents our of her life.

This is very well said, I couldn't agree more.

The way the Op reacted to the father's well intended questions and how he reacts to her dad swinging a hammer around the house says a lot about him, and it's not good.

Might want to work on that a bit my friend.. the problem does not appear to lie with your girlfriend or her parents.

[larsen]

46 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I've never been a fan of this old-world type of thinking that the BF has to prove himself worthy of the daughter, has to ask the father for her hand in marriage.  The relationship and what goes on in it (as long as there's no abuse) is none of his concern. 

Maybe her dad is asking the questions because he has valid concerns based on what he observes or what she's told him.

Perhaps with other boyfriends dad doesn't have the need to have this sort of conversation.

Just the very fact that the Op doesn't; want to spend any time with her family must be ruffling feathers with mom and dad, how could it not?

[Lotsgoingon]

 

What rock have you been hiding under? Because every male in the world is ready for the questions you got asked.

Asking about your intentions is what parents do.  They might ask the question directly or they might quietly observe you and comment in private, but that's what parents do. Those fathers you say you got along with were asking the very same questions behind your back as this woman’s father asked.

Your wildly immature over-reaction here shows that you have an issue with YOUR parents—and some possible issues with autonomy and authority. You think someone saying something to you is somehow control or disrespect. But her dad didn't pull a gun out on you. He didn't threaten you. Those would be acts of force and control. He asked you a question. 

Keep to your thinking and the only people you will be able to date will be people raised in orphanages or people who were starved and sexually abused by parents. BTW: you should not date someone whose family you don’t want to at least meet and at least TRY to work with even if they are maddening. 

I’m sensing that there is something you’re not sharing about yourself. Do you have some kind of severe social anxiety? It's OK if you do. 

[elaine567]

Truth is family and friends are very very important to most women.
They revel and thrive in the affection love and support they get from people who care about them.
Women thinking of having kids  want and need plenty of loving people around them.

Any man who wants to separate a woman from her caring support system is a man she can do without, hence why she dumped you.
 

[larsen]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Any man who wants to separate a woman from her caring support system is a man she can do without, hence why she dumped you.

In all fairness, nothing he said indicates that he wants to separate her from her caring support system. He simply chooses not to be a part of it.

[elaine567]

Just now, larsen said:

In all fairness, nothing he said indicates that he wants to separate her from her caring support system. He simply chooses not to be a part of it.

No?

9 hours ago, moonface123 said:

I feel her family is too involved in her life. I told her this. She is 30. Her dad keeps helping her with stuff like painting her condo and with electrician works. I wanted to help her as well but didn't go when I realised that her parents will be there as well. So, I tried but she didn't cancel her dad. 

 

[larsen]

@elaine567Ok, yes at the very least he's making her choose between him and dad.