Did my wife cheat and has she really forgotten?

[Trentyboy]

I've been married for 16 years now but around 3 years into our relationship she went on a girls night out which I encouraged her to go on. I messaged her that night and didn't get a response and called twise in the morning still with no answer.

So I went to her house at 930am to see if she had a good night, to my surprise her Mum said God knows where she has been shes just walked in the door.

The friend she went out with then to my surprise rang her house to see if she was ok as they lost her and didn't know where she went. As I had picked up the phone her mum yelled out da.....  ka.... is on the phone for you.

I held on for 20 seconds to listen and to my surprise I heard her say that she had left early to drop Lee home her ex boyfriend from 5 years earlier. As soon as she came out of her room I said im going home.

She rang me later that day to ask what was wrong and I told her what I had heard. She said a few people went back there for a few drinks and she ended up crashing the night as she got too drunk.

Of course she swore black and blue nothing at all happened but I deep down knew she was lying.

Recently I ran in to this guy and told him what I knew and he said yes that did happen and im sorry. So I recently asked her to be told the truth with no white lies, so she said I can't really remember I might of kissed him but you need to get over it that was ages ago.

She said I remember dropping him home but nothing more i think I slept in the car I definitely didn't go inside! ( how does she know if she cant remember?)

So if she is saying she has no memory could this be true or is this just to protect the story? She swears 100 percent she cant remember. Im pretty sure she drank way too much but is it possible to really forget or is she telling a porkie pie?

Thanks for reading all im wanting is the truth and I don't know how to find it! 😪

Edited December 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and moved to Infidelity

[understand50]

OK,

She cheated.  You do not have to wonder about that.  You could confront here with what her Ex boyfriend stated, but I do not think she will give you want you want, a full confession.  Sometime, this is all we can get.  IF she has been faithful sense that time, I would go into reconciliation mode, and work to give her a good space to be honest.  What she is afraid of, is messing up her relationship with you.  If you want the "truth" you are going to have to take the bad consequences off the table, and let her confess.  What you do not want to do, is make a catch 22, where you state
"I want the truth, and if you did something we are over".  In some way you need to decide what you want, the truth, or the consequences, if you want her to fourth coming.   Also, do you want the marriage to last?  How is this effecting you right now?  Of course, as you know she cheated, you could just divorce her.

 

I wish you luck...

[larsen]

She cheated on you 3 years in,  that much is certain.

She might have drank so much alcohol that she was blind black out drunk and she truly has no memory but that's rather extreme and the sign of a serious drinking issue that would have surely manifested itself over the years- so ask yourself if you've seen this sort of behavior before. But even if you haven't it's entirely possible that it was a one time thing. Unlikely but there's room for doubt. Either way being blackout drunk isn't an excuse for the cheat but it seems you aren't even going there anyway.

Regardless, the best anyone can possibly say is that "she is probably lying about not remembering". Odds are  high that she does remember but perhaps she's short of shoved it to the side and mostly buried it so when she says she doesn't remember, it could be anything from a continued blatant lie- most likely to a sort of half lie because she's buried or repressed the memory, to the faintest possibility that she really doesn't remember at all.

But so what. She cheated on you. She had sex with another guy 3 years into the relationship (not clear what your relationship status was at that time but at the very least you were probably exclusive committed). You sound convinced that at the time she was lying about it. Does it really matter if she's continuing to lie about remembering it to this day?

You'll never be able to fully trust her, she'll never come clean, confronting her with what the ex said is meaningless. She's completely locked into it now, to confess to lying all these years is practically impossible. Either figure out a way to deal with it or divorce her and move on with your life.

 

Edited December 3, 2021 by larsen

[vla1120]

This is a difficult situation. Of course, the most convenient thing for her to do is say she cannot remember anything. Honestly, you're probably not going to get the absolute truth about it, so here are the questions you need to ask yourself:

1. This happened 13 years ago. What has her behavior been since that time? Do you have any more cause for concern? 

2. Do you have children. What impact is your finding out going to have on your family/children if you do learn the whole truth?

3. Regardless of what happened 13 years ago, do you want to salvage your marriage? Are the two of you willing to try marriage counseling? 

4. In re-reading your message, it looks like this happened before you were married since she went home to her mother's house that night. That does not excuse cheating at all, but are you willing to risk your marriage and family on a mistake she made before you were married?  (If, in fact, that was the case.) 

Just make sure you have evaluated why you want this information and what you might plan to do once you learn the truth, if you do - and how you will proceed if you do not learn the truth. Finally, you ran into the guy 13 years later. Are you 100% certain you can trust what he told you about your wife?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Trentyboy said:

I've been married for 16 years now. she said I can't really remember I might of kissed him but you need to get over it that was ages ago.

True. Pick your battles. Why are you beating her up over something that happened decades ago that she can't change? What's the real issue?

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you asked the other guy and he said that they did something. In that case it's very strong evidence that she indeed cheated. It's unlikely that she doesn't remember.

You could consider following up with the other guy and asking if she was "blackout drunk". That would make him technically a rapist, but would be one of the very few scenarios where she isn't lying.

The preponderance of evidence very strongly suggests she's lying to save face.

Edited December 3, 2021 by mark clemson

[Trentyboy]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

True. Pick your battles. Why are you beating her up over something that happened decades ago that she can't change? What's the real issue?

Mate I'm not beating her up at all! I'm trying to give her the chance to get it off her chest and be honest! She's a fantastic woman and I'm lucky as hell, but its a hurdle I need to get over as not knowing is doing my head in!

[larsen]

7 minutes ago, Trentyboy said:

 I'm trying to give her the chance to get it off her chest

C'mon man. Now you're lying to yourself.

You're not doing this for her.

[Trentyboy]

 

Thanks everyone some great feedback and I'm taking it all onboard and trying to make it a posative thing but we both need to be on the same page!

 

 

[larsen]

Define "both".

[usa1ah]

There is nothing positive about your girlfriend at the time going home with her ex and shagging him all night long. She had no remorse at all at the time. She made an excuse and you stayed with her knowing that she was lying. 
 

Yes she remembers everything. She also told you to get back in your place and drop it. She will leave you if you don’t get back in step. 
 

What [] caused you to buy that lie of hers back then? 
 

[]

Edited December 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude

[Bryanp]

Let me ask you this: If the Roles were reversed and you replied that you just can't remember and that she should just get over it; how do you think she would have responded. My guess exactly like you.

[Harry Korsnes]

Sorry your here! 

Do you have any go forward plan?

[Trentyboy]

Yes i have met with him just a few days ago and he said he was willing to talk with me but not to cause a problem and only if it was going to be a posative thing for me.  He too says he was a drug addict and remembers absolutely nothing... zero...wtf I wonder why the hell he wanted to meet up if he had nothing to tell. He did however gather a s*** load of information off of me as to how i found out etc etc. Which he had no idea previously. I think he had other motives for wanting to meet with me! 

[colingrant]

58 minutes ago, Trentyboy said:

Yes i have met with him just a few days ago and he said he was willing to talk with me but not to cause a problem and only if it was going to be a posative thing for me.  He too says he was a drug addict and remembers absolutely nothing... zero...wtf I wonder why the hell he wanted to meet up if he had nothing to tell. He did however gather a s*** load of information off of me as to how i found out etc etc. Which he had no idea previously. I think he had other motives for wanting to meet with me! 

Yeah. I think he played you. She is also and probably conspiring with him. Never, underestimate a cheater. They didn't get that way by being honorable. They are smart, conniving unconscionable. Many betrayed spouses have difficulty navigating the infidelity experience because they are honorable and logical people, hence can't relate to what's happening. Cheaters are not honorable and are driven by selfishness to fix their own brokenness . See the two different thought paths here? People who don't cheat can never understand the thinking of someone that does. Do not seek to r intellectually understand her motives because even she can't tell you and if she could, it would be for purposes of further gas lighting, manipulating and justifying her actions.  

This is why it is highly recommended to go no contact. The no contact is intended to give you time and space to stabilize your emotions and foster cognitive thinking skills so that you can make smart, sound decisions.  Your focus should be on you and you only, while being smart, honorably calculating and determined to safeguard your heart and emotional health so that you can live a happy and rewarding life. Engaging with a cheating spouse may temporarily reduce your pain, but codependently makes you vulnerable to more manipulation and abuse. Should you allow this to happen, one can't say she's cheating on you. One can say you are cheating on yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Trentyboy said:

 give her the chance to get it off her chest and be honest

What you are doing is called "injustice collecting" (google it). It's a form of hostility and at best, controlling if not just looking for nonsense drama.

That means beating her up for a past that can't be changed and doesn't even matter.

[Uruktopi]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

....controlling if not just looking for nonsense drama.

That means beating her up for a past that can't be changed and doesn't even matter.

Well, by now I have enough examples of what "nonsense" may mean. No need to Google them as they are quite well provided.

Edited December 4, 2021 by Uruktopi

[understand50]

One of the things you should look out for, is what motive  the past boy friend may have.  Why do you necessarily believe him, and not give more weight to your wife?   At this point, I do not think, past pictures, a video, or a past letter from  the date detailing what happened, you can trust anything.  So, assume the worst, make up your mind what you want and go from here.  My take, assume she cheated, and work on reconciliation. What you should not do is key in on this, and destroy your marriage right now.  Are you living, right now, in a intolerable situation, or is it like most marriages, mostly good?   What will you throw away?  What do you want to keep?  You know she cheated.  You know who with and when.  You have more details, then most.  Why is this now such a problem for you?  You need to examine your life and marriage now, and see if this past event  is a mask for something else going on.

I wish you luck

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, understand50 said:

I wish you luck

I also hope the best for him, we agree in this.

But given your post I suspect that we have a quite different idea of what good luck is.

[Fox Sake]

16 hours ago, Trentyboy said:

Mate I'm not beating her up at all! I'm trying to give her the chance to get it off her chest and be honest! She's a fantastic woman and I'm lucky as hell, but its a hurdle I need to get over as not knowing is doing my head in!

I think you do know.
You just want to hear it from her so you can put your mind to rest or make a decision on it. 
 

So if she said “yes I did “ - where would that lead you? I’ll tell you - anger, a loss of trust and revaluation of how you feel and have been deceived. 
 

If she said “no I didn’t” - where would that lead you? - the same place you are now …where you don’t believe her. Cos you already know- the guy told you what happened. Surprised you never used that to aid getting your honest answer from her. 
 

The whole “I don’t remember” thing sounds like a guilty cover up and a strong will to convince herself nothing happened. You just need to figure out if you can let something go from that long ago or if it’s going to continue to be an issue for you. If you don’t trust her , then there isn’t a relationship there. 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That means beating her up for a past that can't be changed and doesn't even matter.

Wiseman has a point.  OP, you should indeed consider why it might be that you are now following up about something that happened over 10 years ago. Unless I"m misunderstanding, you didn't broach this back then, even though you "knew deep down she was lying" at the time.

I think if you are honest with yourself - you let this slide. The only reason it's being raised now is because you happened to run into the guy.

It seems to me that A) you know she cheated and B) you never ended things, and C) all you are really asking for (from her) is honesty about what happened?  I think that last part is reasonable from your perspective. However, from her perspective - what's in it for her, except for losing face with you, and having something hanging over her head, e.g. every time you're losing an argument, etc, etc.

It very much sounds like this was one incident only. If you are they type who can't live with infidelity/reconcile, I think this should have been addressed it a long time ago. Beyond that I'm sort of in agreement with Wiseman - unless you have evidence of further cheating on her part, I think you should consider that there's no good reason (from her perspective) to come clean about this. She did it, she's hid it from you, and for better or worse that has been your marriage for the last 13 years. One you stayed in despite knowing in your heart what almost certainly happened.

Maybe I'm wrong, but if that marriage was so awful, perhaps you should have ended it already; It's not like you just found out about this - you already knew.  Has it taken you 10 years to gain the confidence/"emotional strength" to leave? if not, what on earth are you doing rocking the boat/making a big deal out of the past?

I apologize if I'm coming across a bit harshly here. But I really think perhaps you might benefit from taking a step back/getting perspective on this?

Edited December 4, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

On 12/3/2021 at 9:42 AM, Trentyboy said:

I've been married for 16 years now

Holding a grudge for this long indicates there are a lot more problems than something that may or may not have happened while out drinking decades ago. Try marriage therapy. Or divorce.

[Trentyboy]

4 hours ago, understand50 said:

One of the things you should look out for, is what motive  the past boy friend may have.  Why do you necessarily believe him, and not give more weight to your wife?   At this point, I do not think, past pictures, a video, or a past letter from  the date detailing what happened, you can trust anything.  So, assume the worst, make up your mind what you want and go from here.  My take, assume she cheated, and work on reconciliation. What you should not do is key in on this, and destroy your marriage right now.  Are you living, right now, in a intolerable situation, or is it like most marriages, mostly good?   What will you throw away?  What do you want to keep?  You know she cheated.  You know who with and when.  You have more details, then most.  Why is this now such a problem for you?  You need to examine your life and marriage now, and see if this past event  is a mask for something else going on.

I wish you luck

Thankyou. You make some valid points. I/ we have built up a wonderful life as far as I'm concerned. I made the point back then i better not find out you're lying. And left it at that, her story is very inconsistent but I will get over it but feel our marriage was built on a lie. I have had several opportunities to cheat and have always put her and us first! I just wish she had done the same! Thanks

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Wiseman has a point.  OP, you should indeed consider why it might be that you are now following up about something that happened over 10 years ago. Unless I"m misunderstanding, you didn't broach this back then, even though you "knew deep down she was lying" at the time.

I think if you are honest with yourself - you let this slide. The only reason it's being raised now is because you happened to run into the guy.

It seems to me that A) you know she cheated and B) you never ended things, and C) all you are really asking for (from her) is honesty about what happened?  I think that last part is reasonable from your perspective. However, from her perspective - what's in it for her, except for losing face with you, and having something hanging over her head, e.g. every time you're losing an argument, etc, etc.

It very much sounds like this was one incident only. If you are they type who can't live with infidelity/reconcile, I think this should have been addressed it a long time ago. Beyond that I'm sort of in agreement with Wiseman - unless you have evidence of further cheating on her part, I think you should consider that there's no good reason (from her perspective) to come clean about this. She did it, she's hid it from you, and for better or worse that has been your marriage for the last 13 years. One you stayed in despite knowing in your heart what almost certainly happened.

Maybe I'm wrong, but if that marriage was so awful, perhaps you should have ended it already; It's not like you just found out about this - you already knew.  Has it taken you 10 years to gain the confidence/"emotional strength" to leave? if not, what on earth are you doing rocking the boat/making a big deal out of the past?

I apologize if I'm coming across a bit harshly here. But I really think perhaps you might benefit from taking a step back/getting perspective on this?

Very well said!    And was about to post same so glad I read this first, saved me the time.  Thanks @mark clemson.  😀

On 12/3/2021 at 6:42 AM, Trentyboy said:

Of course she swore black and blue nothing at all happened but I deep down knew she was lying.

This is the part I'm struggling to understand.  Since you pretty much  knew 13 YEARS ago she cheated and was lying, why suddenly is it such an issue NOW, 13 years later?  

So you ran into the guy, so what?  I am not seeing the relevance unless you had been suppressing your negative emotions re her cheating for 13 years and seeing the guy caused those emotions to rise to the surface?  And now 13 years after the fact, you're forced to deal with them. 

I think if you want your now-wife to 'come clean' you should create a non-threatening environment for her to do so.  If she thinks you will divorce her over this, she is going to contine to lie. And this will be hanging over both your heads forever.  

My advice is if she has been a good loyal and loving wife for 16 years, then encourage her to be honest and open, tell her it was a very long time ago and you can forgive, BUT it is important that you know the truth.  

Something I have learned over the years, people make mistakes, there are no perfect people.  Yes she was wrong to cheat, absolutely. 

However, you have to own your part too, that being you should have addressed it at the time, and worked to resolve OR broken up. 

That part is on you, best to own that and if you want your marriage  to survive, work on forgiveness as much for YOU as for her. 

Tough situation though, either way.  Best of luck to both of you. 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Trentyboy]

14 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Very well said!    And was about to post same so glad I read this first, saved me the time.  Thanks @mark clemson.  😀

This is the part I'm struggling to understand.  Since you pretty much  knew 13 YEARS ago she cheated and was lying, why suddenly is it such an issue NOW, 13 years later?  

So you ran into the guy, so what?  I am not seeing the relevance unless you had been suppressing your negative emotions re her cheating for 13 years and seeing the guy caused those emotions to rise to the surface?  And now 13 years after the fact, you're forced to deal with them. 

I think if you want your now-wife to 'come clean' you should create a non-threatening environment for her to do so.  If she thinks you will divorce her over this, she is going to contine to lie. And this will be hanging over both your heads forever.  

My advice is if she has been a good loyal and loving wife for 16 years, then encourage her to be honest and open, tell her it was a very long time ago and you can forgive, BUT it is important that you know the truth.  

Something I have learned over the years, people make mistakes, there are no perfect people.  Yes she was wrong to cheat, absolutely. 

However, you have to own your part too, that being you should have addressed it at the time, and worked to resolve OR broken up. 

That part is on you, best to own that and if you want your marriage  to survive, work on forgiveness as much for YOU as for her. 

Tough situation though, either way.  Best of luck to both of you. 

 

 

 

 

You're spot on. I was young when this first went down and didn't want to lose her as I loved her and i made my point at the time and she was happy to go with the mantra i didn't sleep with him. I brought it up recently and she now says i can't remember not i didn't do anything. Im broaching the issue in a mature non confrontational way to make her comfortable to be honest. Ill let you guys know if I have any updates and no I'm not harassing her or doing this to gain an upper hand and use it against her. I just want to know the truth not what i think happened, that's it i can then 100 percent move on as I have forgiven both of them just not forgotten.