Did my wife cheat and has she really forgotten?

[Trentyboy]

14 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Very well said!    And was about to post same so glad I read this first, saved me the time.  Thanks @mark clemson.  😀

This is the part I'm struggling to understand.  Since you pretty much  knew 13 YEARS ago she cheated and was lying, why suddenly is it such an issue NOW, 13 years later?  

So you ran into the guy, so what?  I am not seeing the relevance unless you had been suppressing your negative emotions re her cheating for 13 years and seeing the guy caused those emotions to rise to the surface?  And now 13 years after the fact, you're forced to deal with them. 

I think if you want your now-wife to 'come clean' you should create a non-threatening environment for her to do so.  If she thinks you will divorce her over this, she is going to contine to lie. And this will be hanging over both your heads forever.  

My advice is if she has been a good loyal and loving wife for 16 years, then encourage her to be honest and open, tell her it was a very long time ago and you can forgive, BUT it is important that you know the truth.  

Something I have learned over the years, people make mistakes, there are no perfect people.  Yes she was wrong to cheat, absolutely. 

However, you have to own your part too, that being you should have addressed it at the time, and worked to resolve OR broken up. 

That part is on you, best to own that and if you want your marriage  to survive, work on forgiveness as much for YOU as for her. 

Tough situation though, either way.  Best of luck to both of you. 

 

 

 

 

You're spot on. I was young when this first went down and didn't want to lose her as I loved her and i made my point at the time and she was happy to go with the mantra i didn't sleep with him. I brought it up recently and she now says i can't remember not i didn't do anything. Im broaching the issue in a mature non confrontational way to make her comfortable to be honest. Ill let you guys know if I have any updates and no I'm not harassing her or doing this to gain an upper hand and use it against her. I just want to know the truth not what i think happened, that's it i can then 100 percent move on as I have forgiven both of them just not forgotten. 

[pepperbird2]

In your shoes, I woudl take some time and really think about what you can and can not live with. Once you have decided, I'd sit your wife down and hash it all out. You don;t have to be mean, rude or accusatory, just state your case and why you feel the way you do. Just the act of talking it all out with her may make a big difference if she's willing to be open and not dismissive.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/3/2021 at 9:42 AM, Trentyboy said:

Recently I ran in to this guy and told him what I knew and he said yes that did happen and im sorry.  I recently asked her to be told the truth with no white lies, so she said I can't really remember I might of kissed him but you need to get over it that was ages ago.

Ok . Asked and answered. She can't remember it exactly, she was drunk, it was decades ago.

You need to stop badgering her. She's not on trial. If you keep badgering, interrogating, accusing etc what's your point? Either you are happily married for over 16 years or you're not.

Badgering her over something some dude lied about to turn your crank is causing you and her distress. Stop and figure out why you are trying to ruin your marriage or torture her with something so so so long ago that one could accurately remember.

[pepperbird2]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok . Asked and answered. She can't remember it exactly, she was drunk, it was decades ago.

You need to stop badgering her. She's not on trial. If you keep badgering, interrogating, accusing etc what's your point? Either you are happily married for over 16 years or you're not.

Badgering her over something some dude lied about to turn your crank is causing you and her distress. Stop and figure out why you are trying to ruin your marriage or torture her with something so so so long ago that one could accurately remember.

Normally, I;d agree with you, but int s case, I don't. The op already h this "bee in his bonnet", and once you do, that's hard to change. That's why I think it could benefit the two of them to st down and talk all this through. If it helps, have a neutral third party on hand so it doesn't go off the rails.

Op, I think that if this was a one off, you and your partner can recover form this without too much trouble.It may even strengthen your relationship-that's the paradox of this sort of situation. If you're both willing to be open, honest and understanding, you can learn and grow from this. Take ownership of your feelings. Explain why you feel as you do and that you want to move past it.

[understand50]

On 12/4/2021 at 9:29 AM, Trentyboy said:

You're spot on. I was young when this first went down and didn't want to lose her as I loved her and i made my point at the time and she was happy to go with the mantra i didn't sleep with him. I brought it up recently and she now says i can't remember not i didn't do anything. Im broaching the issue in a mature non confrontational way to make her comfortable to be honest. Ill let you guys know if I have any updates and no I'm not harassing her or doing this to gain an upper hand and use it against her. I just want to know the truth not what i think happened, that's it i can then 100 percent move on as I have forgiven both of them just not forgotten. 

OK, you are going to have to take the long view.  This is going to take awhile.  In the meantime, do not let it mess up your marriage.   You can not expect her to just let everything out, she is really going to have to feel safe before she can let you know just what happened.  Also, keep in mind, maybe nothing happened.  There are odds.  My opinion, something did, but I am taking this from wrote.  Also, because of the time passing and her state at the time, you may have except she can only give you an impression.

I wish you luck.

[GoldenR]

If you knew back that that she cheated, would you have still married her?

[Trentyboy]

4 hours ago, GoldenR said:

If you knew back that that she cheated, would you have still married her?

Good point. 

 

4 hours ago, GoldenR said:

If you knew back that that she cheated, would you have still married her?

Good point Yes I think I would have, as deep down I knew but I was young and dumb I guess! And a little ignorant and above all else I wanted to believe her! Everything was circumstantial and I ended up just wanting to believe above all else! So I guess I've kind of answered my own question havent I? Its a battle I don't think I'll ever win! 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trent, so having read through your thread I would like to ask you what exactly would you want to do with the answer? If, for instance, your wife continues to state emphatically that she does not remember except that she was black out drunk and she slept in her car then you are back to square one and non the wiser except that deep down you know she is lying. If she does admit that she slept with her ex then that only confirms what you know to be the truth deep down in your heart already. So your dilemma is whether you want to continue having her as your wife knowing that she is blatantly lying to your face or, alternatively, do you want to continue having her as your wife knowing she cheated on you all those years ago while in a committed relationship with you and keeping it a secret from you for all these years forcing you to live a lie of a marriage? As Pepper bird suggested, your best course of action is to sit your wife down when you do not expect to be disturbed or distracted by other things and have a serious heart to heart talk with her stating that you need her to tell you the truth if she wants you to forgive her fully and for her to set your mind at rest once and for all , for your marriage to heal and for you to gain peace of mind. If she is not prepared to be honest and upfront with you noe when you are gibing her a great chance to unburden herself and come clean after having given her an indication that you would not hold it against her then I think you have a real problem going forward as then she would have proved herself to be untrustworthy as a spouse and you would always be looking over your shoulder to see what she is up to! Hardly a happy situation to be be in! Make your choice wisely. Warm regards.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Just a Guy said:

 sit your wife down when you do not expect to be disturbed or distracted by other things and have a serious heart to heart talk with her stating that you need her to tell you the truth if she wants you to forgive her fully and for her to set your mind at rest once and for all

He's has already badgered her quite a bit about it and her answer was 'it was decades ago and she was drunk and can't exactly remember'.

It's a fallacy that more badgering more confronting more accusing is the answer. Also what's the end goal here? Divorce?

If not, what's the point of throwing 16 years of what is described as a happy marriage down the drain ?

Why keep holding this ridiculous grudge based solely on some coincidental hearsay? 

[mark clemson]

It can be hard, but I honestly wonder in a case like this whether rugsweeping might actually be the best course. Maybe not, but OP admits he was fine until his chance encounter with the guy.

Dunno, OP only you can decide whether you need this heart-to-heart (not an unreasonable suggestion) or can let ongoing refusal to admit what happened slide.

My understanding is many people who've cheated won't own up unless they absolutely have to. And this was apparently a one-time event only.

If this was ongoing or the situation were substantially different, I doubt I'd be posting this suggestion. But maybe this is "reconciliation" via the path of least resistance?

Not sure if it's a "healthy" suggestion or not. I think only you can decide if it would be healthy for you.

Edited December 8, 2021 by mark clemson

[Uruktopi]

The best of reading all post is that from some of them I learn what I (myself) wouldn´t and shouldn´t  suggest nor advice.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wiseman, my point in suggesting that he sit his wife down and have a frank talk with her with no threat of divorce or psychological pressure on her of any kind, was to get her to be honest and upfront with him about her actions. If she still does not admit to any wrong doing so be it, the marriage will continue but he will always have a doubt about anything she does or says. There will always be an undercurrent of suspicion and resentment in his mind which will gnaw at his psyche and only, like a cancerous growth grow and u.dermine their relationship. This would prove Har.ful to both of them in the long term. Atheist that is how I see it and I may be wrong! 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Just a Guy said:

. There will always be an undercurrent of suspicion and resentment in his mind which will gnaw at his psyche 

Beating her up about it won't help his paranoia.

If he's obsessed with a past she already explained and that can't be changed, he needs to sort that out with a therapist . You're treating this as a current and definite cheating situation. It's not.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trent, well I guess you can discount what I was trying to get across. I guess you will just have to suck it up and accept what your wife is telling you even if, in your heart of hearts, you are convinced she is lying and make the best of a bad bargain. You say you have already forgiven both her and her ex. You also sau that you love your wife and have had a happy marriage till date. Your only requirement is that she be forthcoming and accept that she cheated on you all those Yeats ago. There is a saying in the parts where I live, in the vernacular, that one should not dig up dead bodies to resolve a doubt. Consider this to be a bump in the road of life and just bury it in a box deep in your mind never to see the light of day again. Your wife will be happy, her ex will be happy and seeing them happy maybe you will be happy in time too. Think about it. After all since your wife did the deed, if indeed she did, then she cannot undo it and you cannot time travel into the past to rectify her misdeeds. As they say " Don't worry, Be Happy"! Warm regards.

Edited December 9, 2021 by Just a Guy
Correction of errors.

[glows]

On 12/4/2021 at 8:58 AM, Trentyboy said:

I made the point back then i better not find out you're lying. And left it at that, her story is very inconsistent but I will get over it but feel our marriage was built on a lie. I have had several opportunities to cheat and have always put her and us first! I just wish she had done the same! 

The above sounds like a threat and it's difficult to imagine anyone responding well to this. Do you usually speak to your wife like that? What also jumped out at me was the mention that you have had several opportunities to cheat.. but didn't. Is this anger at lost opportunities for yourself also? It's painful experiencing a betrayal like this yet you've known about it for many years. 

I think you should spend less time seeking answers from your wife and find out within yourself whether you want to stay married to her at all for other reasons. Both of you may not be getting along or as close as you used to be. I'm having a very hard time imagining why you'd want to keep pursuing this if you love your wife or want to be with her.

When you're with someone you will always want to feel comfortable around that person and trust that they also have your best interests at heart. If you're not getting that from her in more than just this issue, then decide for yourself if you wish to stay married to her. Something tells me none of this has anything to do, deep down, with what happened all those years ago. This is just the thorn irritating bigger problems in your marriage.

Edited December 9, 2021 by glows

[understand50]

But, remember, this goes both ways.  You may not have gotten what you want, as she is not sure about you.

I wish you luck

 

[Trentyboy]

20 hours ago, Just a Guy said:

Hi Trent, well I guess you can discount what I was trying to get across. I guess you will just have to suck it up and accept what your wife is telling you even if, in your heart of hearts, you are convinced she is lying and make the best of a bad bargain. You say you have already forgiven both her and her ex. You also sau that you love your wife and have had a happy marriage till date. Your only requirement is that she be forthcoming and accept that she cheated on you all those Yeats ago. There is a saying in the parts where I live, in the vernacular, that one should not dig up dead bodies to resolve a doubt. Consider this to be a bump in the road of life and just bury it in a box deep in your mind never to see the light of day again. Your wife will be happy, her ex will be happy and seeing them happy maybe you will be happy in time too. Think about it. After all since your wife did the deed, if indeed she did, then she cannot undo it and you cannot time travel into the past to rectify her misdeeds. As they say " Don't worry, Be Happy"! Warm regards.

Thankyou, that advice is the best to date, i feel like ive been dragged through the coals on here! Ill take it on board and try be a better man. Its just the lingering voice in the back of my head. I guess honesty isnt always the best policy! Thats all ive been with her over the years. 

[Trentyboy]

4 minutes ago, understand50 said:

But, remember, this goes both ways.  You may not have gotten what you want, as she is not sure about you.

I wish you luck

 

I can almost put a stamp on it that from that night she pretty much stopped going out with her girlfriends. We bought a house together and so on!  I guess one could look at it as her last hurrah. And yes i get it i should have dealt with it but for 4 weeks i confronted her with how her story makes no sense and she kept coming back to I gaurantee we DID NOT sleep together. I said why did you go back there oh a group of us went back there. (Later admitted she gave just him a lift home early!) But then arrived home at 9am after nkt answering my messages or phone calls etc. Now after i had the unfortunate experience of running in to him and telling him what I know. ( getting it off my chest really!) it raised all these doubts ten fold as he said he was sorry he was a different person back then and thanked me for my honesty. I said im by no means throwing anyone under the bus but feel like the time for us to move on has well and trully come. He told me he didnt even know D.... even had a boyfriend to which she told me bullcrap I told him he's lying. So her memory of that night is selective at best. I guess its opened up an old wound that needs to be closed somehow! Xo

[Trentyboy]

On 12/4/2021 at 5:56 AM, mark clemson said:

It sounds like you asked the other guy and he said that they did something. In that case it's very strong evidence that she indeed cheated. It's unlikely that she doesn't remember.

You could consider following up with the other guy and asking if she was "blackout drunk". That would make him technically a rapist, but would be one of the very few scenarios where she isn't lying.

The preponderance of evidence very strongly suggests she's lying to save face.

I did and he also remembers nothing! No memory of her ever having gone back to her house. His excuse was he was a heavy drug abuser and drank too much. This was after he said he was happy to help me and catch up only if its going to be a posative thing for my family as he's not interested in causing any drama. I thought he was gunna give me something but he said nothing. I actually went on a bucks weekend  with him and 20 other blokes paintballing and we all got locked out of the house we were staying in after a big night and slept outside on the lawn. I bit my tounge and chose to not cause trouble the whole weekend as it wasnt the right place or time. When i said remember the last time i saw u was at richards bucks show weekend. He said where was that?. I said down at the beach. He said see mate my memory is shot i have a ten year window that if a complete blank. I have got nothing for you if i did i would tell you honest! It was a long way to go to tell me he has nk memory whatsoever. I dont know why he was happy to meet up and talk of he remembers nothing ffs! My wife said dont listen to him hes a liar you need to believe me! I said i want to but ylu dont remember anything! There is nothing to believe, its like a blank canvas and im filling in the picture with my head!!!

[vla1120]

 

15 minutes ago, Trentyboy said:

There is nothing to believe, its like a blank canvas and im filling in the picture with my head!!!

You're right. You are making up the story in your own head. Stop that! You are obsessing over something from the past that has no bearing on your life today, or in the future. If I understood, this was before you were even married. If you don't want to get divorced, then you need to let it go. She's moved on. Her (long ago) ex has moved on. You're the only one wallowing in this situation of thinking you MUST know exactly what happened. Why? What are you going to do with that information once you brow-beat her out of it?  Are you going to divorce her? I get the feeling this is not really about what she did all those years ago. It seems like there is more going on for you to be this obsessed with something from that long ago. For the sake of your marriage, I hope you figure out a way to put this to rest (without punishing her excessively.) 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Trentyboy said:

 its like a blank canvas and im filling in the picture with my head!!!

Exactly your bullying and paranoia are driving this. No one can recall details from decades ago. You are creating this "cheating" story in your head to keep beating your wife up about something that can't be changed and no one remembers.  

See your physician for an evaluation of your mental and physical health. Discuss issues such as ruminating, depression etc. Perhaps you need a neurological evaluation or a referral to a therapist for anger management.

Right now you are "injustice collecting"  . Google it. You are digging and digging for dirt to beat her up with that's is not even there and your recollection of the events is merely that...your recollection. It's by no means any more accurate a than anyone else's decades later.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Trentyboy said:

I did and he also remembers nothing!

Yes I had gathered as much from your later posts. "Nobody remembers nothing" - it IS suspicious, of course.

I'd refer you to my later post above. I personally don't think it's bullying and paranoia on your part, at least not deliberately - you feel how you feel. However, only you can decide if this is worth continuing to follow up on (very unlikely to get any satisfactory results), you can live with letting it slide as you had been doing, or you can't live with this after all and must leave. Those seem to me to be your main 3 options, although perhaps there is something I'm not thinking of.

Possibly the threat of you leaving would push her into an actual confession. Problem with that approach is a) there MAY be nothing to confess (at least that she remembers) if she indeed WAS blackout drunk and b) sometimes bluffs get called. It doesn't sound like she wants to leave you, but people sometimes "flip" in breakup situations, so I generally won't suggest to people that they start making noises about divorce unless they're actually serious about it (and I'm not suggesting you do it, either).

People change over time, and can change a LOT over 10+ years. Something to keep in mind. This one-time action on her part so long ago may have little bearing on how she is now.

Edited December 10, 2021 by mark clemson

[S2B]

Have your wife take a polygraph.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Possibly the threat of you leaving would push her into an actual confession.

Coerced confessions under repeated interrogations and threats is bullying. Confess to what, exactly?

Something decades ago that she already stated multiple times was drunken/fuzzy? Or when he went after this other guy also couldn't recall this trivia? Also two people state they can't recall or nothing happened. And that means "guilty"?  No. It means everyone else realizes that memories fade and whatever happened decades ago was unclear and doesn't matter in the long run.

[mark clemson]

^^ you have a point and memories do fade, although for infidelity I think alcohol would be a more likely culprit if she truly doesn't remember.

At any rate, my point (which I apparently wasn't clear on) is not that he should threaten to leave in order to coerce a confession. It's that if he chooses to (start to) leave because he is so upset/feels he can't trust her anymore and she actually did do stuff and remembers doing it, the prospect of him leaving might bring it to a head and distress her enough that she confesses.

That is not the same as deliberate manipulation/bullying (which I am most certainly not recommending). It would be a "natural outcome" of the circumstances/emotional dynamics of the situation (IF it occurred).

Edited December 10, 2021 by mark clemson