Did my wife cheat and has she really forgotten?

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

^^ you have a point and memories do fade, although for infidelity I think alcohol would be a more likely culprit if she truly doesn't remember.

Well yes. Both. Decades ago and drunk doesn't really facilitate a crystal clear recollection of events.

The important part is why get married, stay happily married for 16 years but all of a sudden it's a problem when he runs into this guy and he can't remember either? 

This does not spell suspicion or lying but rather, it was so trivial and so long ago no one cares except for this odd obsession over something that can't be changed and has no bearing on a long happy marriage kids family etc.

 If this happen a few weeks/months ago and there were ongoing reasons for suspicion that's a different story. But that's not the case here.

[mark clemson]

Well, my sense is that this was never fully resolved in OP's mind and seeing the guy triggered him. Whether that is healthy or and whether he is dealing with things in a "healthy" or at least reasonable way now are perhaps open questions and subject to interpretation. There doesn't seem to be a consensus among the "crowd" here. I'm not going to try to say that your interpretation is outside the ballpark because honestly I'm not sure. But others seem to feel differently WRT OP's response to the re-triggering.  C'est la LS.

[vla1120]

My unanswered question is - what will you do with the information if she does confess to have slept with her ex? Will it change your marriage? Will it wipe out the decades of life you've built together? What is your end game, here? If it is not to dissolve your marriage, then I think you should work on putting this to rest in your own mind. Everyone else involved has already put it to rest. 

[Trentyboy]

On 12/11/2021 at 3:48 AM, mark clemson said:

Yes I had gathered as much from your later posts. "Nobody remembers nothing" - it IS suspicious, of course.

I'd refer you to my later post above. I personally don't think it's bullying and paranoia on your part, at least not deliberately - you feel how you feel. However, only you can decide if this is worth continuing to follow up on (very unlikely to get any satisfactory results), you can live with letting it slide as you had been doing, or you can't live with this after all and must leave. Those seem to me to be your main 3 options, although perhaps there is something I'm not thinking of.

Possibly the threat of you leaving would push her into an actual confession. Problem with that approach is a) there MAY be nothing to confess (at least that she remembers) if she indeed WAS blackout drunk and b) sometimes bluffs get called. It doesn't sound like she wants to leave you, but people sometimes "flip" in breakup situations, so I generally won't suggest to people that they start making noises about divorce unless they're actually serious about it (and I'm not suggesting you do it, either).

People change over time, and can change a LOT over 10+ years. Something to keep in mind. This one-time action on her part so long ago may have little bearing on how she is now.

No doubt she has changed. I just at the time didn't realise she needed to change as I loved her the way she was! Clearly there is more to the story I'm not being told. Funny he is her only ex thats a facebook friend. I feel bad for looking but had a look in her phone and going back years she has been putting his name in the search bar. When i asked if she has spoken to him or looked him up she said NO why??? I said are you sure? The next day she changed the password. Anywonder im getting suss! 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Trentyboy said:

The next day she changed the password.

Excellent.  You are invading her privacy after 16 Years of marriage to hound, interrogate and accuse her about some old flame?

Is she cheating now? Your snooping actually revealed nothing. You seem quite obsessed with this.

You may never know what happened decades ago, but threatening her could lead her to divorcing you or just tell you what you want to hear to get you off her back.

[LatinCoffee]

Whether it happened ages ago or recently, she still cheated. Your wife crossed the line and disrespected you. Not fair to ask you to get over it. It has been done. Now she left you doubting & mistrusting her. So not cool.

 

 

Edited December 12, 2021 by LatinCoffee

[pepperbird2]

As the saying goes, you can't unwring a bell.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Trentyboy said:

 had a look in her phone and going back years she has been putting his name in the search bar. When i asked if she has spoken to him or looked him up she said NO why??? I said are you sure? The next day she changed the password. Anywonder im getting suss! 

To be fair, even if I'd done nothing wrong and there was nothing to find, I'd change my password if I found my partner going through my phone history.  He knows my password only because I have absolute trust that he won't use that knowledge to violate my privacy.

[Trentyboy]

13 hours ago, LatinCoffee said:

Whether it happened ages ago or recently, she still cheated. Your wife crossed the line and disrespected you. Not fair to ask you to get over it. It has been done. Now she left you doubting & mistrusting her. So not cool.

 

 

Seems like she's not the person I thought she was. Proves she can point blank look at me in the eye and lie. Our marriage has been built on a lie. As they say there isnt a problem with cheating! Only if you get caught. Her sister cheated on her husband few years ago with my best mate for 6 months. Seems they have alot more in common than I thought! Its very hard to work on something she wont admit too. Time doesn't heal all wounds and amazing she might of kissed him but can't remember but she left early to drop him home not ever saying goodbye to her friends. And question i have like why did you need to take him home early. I dont know! Why couldn't he catch a taxi? I just did ok! She remembers driving him home that is for sure but from that point she has no memory! When I rocked up the next morning I was suss as she hadn't responded to my messages. Then when her mum said she got home at 9am. She said she stayed at a friend's house. She only ever admitted to staying at Lee's house once i confronted her with what I had heard on the other end of the line. Then she watered it down by saying a few of us all went back to his house and had a few drinjs and fell asleep. Then it turns out it was just her. And I don't think she slept that much tbh. Some would say it was a breach of trust me listening on the other end of the line but sleeping with another man is ok just dont pick on the poor girl! What a joke! Now changing passwords after I told her what I found and I need to leave her alone, no sir ill be getting a bigger shovel and digging deeper!

Edited December 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Trentyboy]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, even if I'd done nothing wrong and there was nothing to find, I'd change my password if I found my partner going through my phone history.  He knows my password only because I have absolute trust that he won't use that knowledge to violate my privacy.

Wouldnt that be nice to have complete trust! Everytime I look I find out more about who she really is. If you think Im obsessed I have never searched an ex up on facebook. I saw dozens of times she looked him up. When I asked her she said no flat out. Then i told her what i had seen. Oh maybe a couple of times what are you stalking me! Lol

[S2B]

When there is nothing to hide - people hide nothing!

she obviously lacks character.

if you prefer your spouse to have character and to hold your relationship in high regard - know that she’s not your gal to stay married to.

 

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, even if I'd done nothing wrong and there was nothing to find, I'd change my password if I found my partner going through my phone history.  He knows my password only because I have absolute trust that he won't use that knowledge to violate my privacy.

I beg your kind permission to excercise my never good enough English by using an aproximation of the structure of your post for someyhing that (being individuality a quite respectable thing) haves in my own frame a value far higher than privacy.

"To be fair,  if I'd done nothing wrong and there was nothing to find by my side, I'd change my partner if I found my partner going over our exclusivity.  She is my parner only because I have absolute trust that she won't use that trust to violate our mutual loyalty."

Of course, my words are just abstract: 

- I have no partner at the present time.

- I´ve never in my life went though another person private communications.

- And still what I´ve said remains true. 

 

Thanks!

  

Edited December 13, 2021 by Uruktopi

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Trentyboy said:

Wouldnt that be nice to have complete trust! Everytime I look I find out more about who she really is. If you think Im obsessed I have never searched an ex up on facebook. I saw dozens of times she looked him up. When I asked her she said no flat out. Then i told her what i had seen. Oh maybe a couple of times what are you stalking me! Lol

I didn't say that you were obsessed, I just said that I'd change my password if my partner started to look through my phone.  

Anyway, it sounds like you're getting more and more upset at her and moving further away from her emotionally.  I'm starting to wonder if this marriage is sustainable anymore.   If you want to end the marriage, your mindset is what you need to propel you though the breakup and out the other side.  But if you're contemplating saving your marriage, then it's time to start comparing now much wrong she's done vs how much right.  Is there enough right to save it?

And for what it's worth, I'm not venturing an opinion on what happened that night.   She may have passed out drunk and nothing happened.   If she did have sex, but was highly intoxicated, then we're looking at a crime.  Or, if she had sex and was able to give consent, then it's cheating.   As much as many are saying that you know she cheated, none of us really know...and she may not really know either.   

And I can't judge her for looking up old exes because I have moments of "Where are they now?" for old boyfriends and school mates.  Doesn't mean that I'm going to cheat with them though.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trent, I think you are, in what is commonly called, pain shopping! You have to be clear what your red lines are and what your deal breaker is. What you are doing is only trying to go deeper down the so called Rabbit hole and that can be a bottom less pit. You have to be much more decisive than you show yourself to be. No use beating about the bush. There are only two things that should be under consideration by you. One is, do you want to stay married to your wife? Second, Do you want to divorce her if you are convinced, as you seem to be, that she cheated on you and is possibly carrying on an emotional affair with her ex? Once you have established your Brass Tacks position, then direct your energies accordingly. No point behaving like a headless chicken not knowing what you want in the final analysis. If you think you are going to get any information from your wife about an affair she may have had then, as they say, I have a bridge to sell to you! It is time to take hard decisions and you have to take them. Warm wishes.

[pepperbird2]

This sort of situation is exactly why I'm always puzzled when a WS says they lied about cheating to protect their spouse. Seems to me more like they lied to protect their own behind.

OP, this is just my opinion-take it for what it's worth. I don't think your marriage has to end, but I would advise you that you two have a lot of rebuilding to do.

Have you ever thought about setting up a time for the two of you to get all this out in the open and talk through it all? Sort of a chance to be completely honest and sort through all of this? It sounds like a big part of the problem is you want to know how deep this goes. This is why I really feel it's so important to talk this through. That's going to take time, but if you are both willing to be honest and open and work together, I really do feel that you can rebuild your relationship and have it stronger than before. A counselor my be able to help simply by being a neutral third party who can keep the conversation from going off the rails.

You don't have to make any final decisions yet. I would give you one more piece of advice. If you do decide that you want to work through his, you have to give your partner a chance to show she can be honest. It's going to be hard at first, but you can rbeuild the trust. If you honestly feel that's never going to happen, you have to ask yourself if that is fair to her, expecting her to never feel like you'll ever trust her.

Edited December 13, 2021 by pepperbird2

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Trentyboy said:

no sir ill be getting a bigger shovel and digging deeper!

Hmm. I think you might be wise to take a breather somehow - like doing something that gets your mind off this. You honestly don't sound very grounded.

While your feelings are understandable, the points being made above about how long ago this was, how you let it slide for so long, etc, are valid ones.

IF you really are too upset to stay married, then I suppose you will take action in accordance with that. However, given the totality of what's been presented, leaving and/or causing further damage to your marriage doesn't (IMO) seem to be the most reasonable course. (Of course, people aren't always driven by "reason" - if they were we'd live in a very different world.)

Keep in mind that you cannot "prove" a negative. So, if you have convinced yourself there is more evidence to find and there actually isn't any, there is a possibility you are going to spin your gears, cause yourself distress, and further damage your marriage over something that doesn't actually exist. Something to keep in mind.

[Trentyboy]

On 12/14/2021 at 3:42 AM, mark clemson said:

Hmm. I think you might be wise to take a breather somehow - like doing something that gets your mind off this. You honestly don't sound very grounded.

While your feelings are understandable, the points being made above about how long ago this was, how you let it slide for so long, etc, are valid ones.

IF you really are too upset to stay married, then I suppose you will take action in accordance with that. However, given the totality of what's been presented, leaving and/or causing further damage to your marriage doesn't (IMO) seem to be the most reasonable course. (Of course, people aren't always driven by "reason" - if they were we'd live in a very different world.)

Keep in mind that you cannot "prove" a negative. So, if you have convinced yourself there is more evidence to find and there actually isn't any, there is a possibility you are going to spin your gears, cause yourself distress, and further damage your marriage over something that doesn't actually exist. Something to keep in mind.

Totally agree. I had one last roll of the dice contacting her old girlfriend who now lives thousands of miles away. The girl who rang the following morning to ask what happened to her last night! I was told by my now wife very clearly she was going to the pub with Karin and they were having a "girls" night and i wasnt invited! ( which i encouraged) As it turns out Karin said yes I remember that night as thats the only time I've ever been there. I said do you remember me speaking with you the following morning after danni had been out with you and left with another man and stayed at his house! No I rang to make sure she was ok because she never turned up and we were waiting for her and she wasnt answering our calls we were very worried as it was unlike her! Now that's the one part of her story thats never changed that she just happened to run into him and lost Karin! However Karin said I definitely didnt see her and she said she was definitely coming! Seems she either planned the whole meet up or she ran into him first and ran off ditching her friends front the start of the night or they went out somewhere completely different together! She has always said i took him home at the end of the night as he needed a lift and I didnt know where Karin was! My mind is spinning but it actually makes more sense this way as it wasnt a chance encounter like i was lead to believe! Xo

Edited December 16, 2021 by Trentyboy
Adding extra detail

[Trentyboy]

On 12/13/2021 at 6:08 PM, Just a Guy said:

Hi Trent, I think you are, in what is commonly called, pain shopping! You have to be clear what your red lines are and what your deal breaker is. What you are doing is only trying to go deeper down the so called Rabbit hole and that can be a bottom less pit. You have to be much more decisive than you show yourself to be. No use beating about the bush. There are only two things that should be under consideration by you. One is, do you want to stay married to your wife? Second, Do you want to divorce her if you are convinced, as you seem to be, that she cheated on you and is possibly carrying on an emotional affair with her ex? Once you have established your Brass Tacks position, then direct your energies accordingly. No point behaving like a headless chicken not knowing what you want in the final analysis. If you think you are going to get any information from your wife about an affair she may have had then, as they say, I have a bridge to sell to you! It is time to take hard decisions and you have to take them. Warm wishes.

Thankyou! We're in a good place its been cathartic and the sex has never been this good! Its like she's really putting in the effort which is welcomed let me tell you!😂 Although I have had a bit of a revelation from her girlfriend. Re "that" night. She gave me some very simple advice. She said i.dont know who this guy is you're talking about. That was a looong time ago and i worked with her for 15 years and all she ever did was talk about you! Remember that! Xo

Edited December 16, 2021 by Trentyboy
Spelling

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Trentyboy said:

Thankyou! We're in a good place its been cathartic and the sex has never been this good! Its like she's really putting in the effort which is welcomed let me tell you!😂 Although I have had a bit of a revelation from her girlfriend. Re "that" night. She gave me some very simple advice. She said i.dont know who this guy is you're talking about. That was a looong time ago and i worked with her for 15 years and all she ever did was talk about you! Remember that! Xo

The information coming from people who know her is worth so much more than the assumptions of strangers.   I hope you can find peace.