Does this make me a bad person?

[Ashley001]

3 months post break up and generally, I am in a good place. There are ups and downs which is normal but I feel like I have grown a lot. My ability to set boundaries and make healthier life choices is the greatest gift I have gained from all of this. 
 

I am finding it hard to cope with outsiders perspectives. My narcissistic ex has played the victim from day one and continues to do so. We work for the same organisation so although we don’t come into contact, people talk. 
 

It’s hard to hear people empathise with him or watch them become friends with him again. While we were together he was rude and awful to these people. He isolated himself so it was just the two of us and they do not know the full details or how he was. It makes me worried that I may be  seen to be the problem and he ends up being the good guy in all of this. 
 

I probably shouldn’t care about other peoples opinions, this is something I still have to work on. I also feel like a bad person for being bitter about this.

I don’t want him to be miserable or suffering at all, it just feels unfair to see him given this support and sympathy. Does this make me a horrible person? 

[Happy Lemming]

(1) Co-workers are not friends.  You can be friendly towards a co-worker, but at the end of the day they are not your friends. 

(2) The work gossip or "grapevine" will tire of him and his stories/belly-aching about the relationship.  They will move on to the next thing down the pike, soon enough.

(3) Never care about what other people think.  They have no direct effect on you, your life or your future decisions. I don't think your supervisor will take "the breakup" into consideration as he/she calculates your next raise at your annual review, so no worries there.

(4) Never date co-workers or anyone at your company or has any relationship with your company.  You've learned a valuable lesson. Work and personal life should always be separate.

(5) When there is a breakup, usually it is not mutual, one of the two usually feels miserable.  It is just part of dating.  No need to feel bad, it didn't work out.  He knew the risks and rolled the dice.  If he never wants to be "broken up" with, he should never date, because it will happen, again.

(6) You are not a horrible person.

[stillafool]

Maybe your ex has grown too since you broke up with him.  When I've been the dumper I've always wished the dumpee well and wanted them to go on to a happy life.  That is what relieved any guilt i had.  The fact that you are bitter about his social success is somewhat odd considering you dumped him.  We all grow and change.  Be happy for him that his life is improving and yours will too.

[glows]

23 minutes ago, Ashley001 said:

3 months post break up and generally, I am in a good place. There are ups and downs which is normal but I feel like I have grown a lot. My ability to set boundaries and make healthier life choices is the greatest gift I have gained from all of this. 
 

I am finding it hard to cope with outsiders perspectives. My narcissistic ex has played the victim from day one and continues to do so. We work for the same organisation so although we don’t come into contact, people talk. 
 

It’s hard to hear people empathise with him or watch them become friends with him again. While we were together he was rude and awful to these people. He isolated himself so it was just the two of us and they do not know the full details or how he was. It makes me worried that I may be  seen to be the problem and he ends up being the good guy in all of this. 
 

I probably shouldn’t care about other peoples opinions, this is something I still have to work on. I also feel like a bad person for being bitter about this.

I don’t want him to be miserable or suffering at all, it just feels unfair to see him given this support and sympathy. Does this make me a horrible person? 

No, not at all. Very human, actually. Being in the same organization makes things more difficult but rest assured that people will see true colours sooner rather than later. If he is indeed self-serving, it'll show eventually. Stay professional, keep to yourself, respond to the genuine friendships and the coworkers you get along with. 

It's ok to grieve and be upset. But at some point say no and move forwards consciously. Refuse to stay stuck in that one spot or tell yourself that he matters anymore. Whatever he feels is none of your concern, whether he's miserable or suffering. That ceases when the relationship ends. You owe it to yourself to brush yourself off and travel light. 

[vla1120]

28 minutes ago, Ashley001 said:

My narcissistic ex has played the victim from day one and continues to do so.

I was married to a diagnosed narcissist for 6 years. This behavior will not stop.

28 minutes ago, Ashley001 said:

It’s hard to hear people empathise with him or watch them become friends with him again. While we were together he was rude and awful to these people. He isolated himself so it was just the two of us and they do not know the full details or how he was. It makes me worried that I may be  seen to be the problem and he ends up being the good guy in all of this. 

My narcissist had terminal cancer. Everyone felt sorry for him. He also tried to isolate me from everyone so it was just the two of us. It bothered me to think people thought I was mistreating him when I left him because of his abuse and control. I left him twice and then went back at the end to nurse him for the last 4 months of his life. I dealt with a great deal of guilt for leaving him, but I also needed to protect my sanity.

28 minutes ago, Ashley001 said:

I probably shouldn’t care about other peoples opinions, this is something I still have to work on. I also feel like a bad person for being bitter about this.

I don’t want him to be miserable or suffering at all, it just feels unfair to see him given this support and sympathy. Does this make me a horrible person? 

You should NOT care what others think. Narcissists are able to garner sympathy. They always play the victim. If anyone does look at you as the villian, you need to let that roll off your shoulders. YOU know the truth. YOU know what it is like to be with him. You owe no one an explanation.

Edited December 3, 2021 by vla1120

[Ashley001]

18 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I was married to a diagnosed narcissist for 6 years. This behavior will not stop.

My narcissist had terminal cancer. Everyone felt sorry for him. He also tried to isolate me from everyone so it was just the two of us. It bothered me to think people thought I was mistreating him when I left him because of his abuse and control. I left him twice and then went back at the end to nurse him for the last 4 months of his life. I dealt with a great deal of guilt for leaving him, but I also needed to protect my sanity.

You should NOT care what others think. Narcissists are able to garner sympathy. They always play the victim. If anyone does look at you as the villian, you need to let that roll off your shoulders. YOU know the truth. YOU know what it is like to be with him. You owe no one an explanation.

I’m so sorry you went through this. Thank you for being open and honest about your experience

[spiderowl]

It doesn’t make you a horrible person. I think most people would resent seeing that happening.

What you can do is to be the better person. Hold your head up high and ignore the stories and supportive gestures. You know the truth and that is what matters.  People who know you well will not be taken in, though some might show him sympathy at times if he is soliciting that.

You can feel sympathy for someone who has lost their girlfriend even if you think that, deep down, they brought it on themselves. These people don’t know the true story. Anyone who judges you based on what he says simply does not have good judge of character. If they did, they would keep an open mind.

I am only guessing but I would imagine you are feeling hurt and angry at him and now it is being directed towards those who are oblivious but appear to be comforting him. 

Treat everyone well and take the ‘high road’. You should be proud for having come through what was obviously a very distressing relationship.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Ashley001 said:

I also feel like a bad person for being bitter about this. I don’t want him to be miserable or suffering at all, it just feels unfair to see him given this support and sympathy

His good or bad reputation or who likes or dislikes him at work is not your problem and none of your concern. People can and will draw their own conclusions whether you want them all to hate him (because you're hurt) or not.

Focus on being polite, friendly and professional to everyone you work with. Ignore him. Most importantly, delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

 It's not about "bad person" it's about obsessing over a failed 28 week romance that's not worth all this thought and worry on your part.

Is this the same man?:

 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Wiseman2