What does if mean if a woman literally stares.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Thelambofdeth said:

So this incident  doesn't really give me any confidence...

Nor should it IMO.
Are you still wearing the black nail polish?

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Even men who are not "attractive" by conventional standards, some women will look at that guy and you'll just do it for them.  I mean I would say that I'm a 5 on the scale of 1-10, and I've gotten that look, from some good looking women.  It's not all about the looks with women, and I appreciate that about them.   Looks matter to women, but you can do a lot for yourself by the way you carry yourself and your "aura" so to speak.

Absolutely. I was a late bloomer, so in high school I was not a guy that women wanted. Fast forward to college and all of a sudden I was getting attention, even from some hotties. But all of those years of viewing myself as unattractive had taken a toll on my confidence and I was just too awkward to take advantage. This continued past college as well; eventually I got married and was off the market. Then I started a business, and this was in a field that was sort of a glamour profession. I shot sportswear catalogs, had a beautiful studio, drove a sports car, etc. Next thing I know I have hot young (and not so young) women coming on, some overtly and others subtly but unmistakably. I guess I have a strong superego because as tempted as I was I didn't act on it.

That fundamental insecurity is hard to reverse on the emotional level, even if you cognitively know it's untrue. So I got divorced ten years ago and have been dating most of that time (making up for lost time to some degree). It's still difficult for me to do cold approaches, but when see the green-light signal I am on it. Usually, if they're attractive and the situation is conducive. But man would I ever like to have a do-over on some of those catalog models, two in particular still haunt me. Now that I'm older, one piece of advice I can give the younger men is... do not let life's opportunities pass you by due to lack of confidence. Fix the confidence and never allow the fear of rejection stop you from living it to the fullest. You have to put fear in a box and get it out of the way.

Edited December 5, 2021 by salparadise

[Thelambofdeth]

3 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Even men who are not "attractive" by conventional standards, some women will look at that guy and you'll just do it for them.  I mean I would say that I'm a 5 on the scale of 1-10, and I've gotten that look, from some good looking women.  It's not all about the looks with women, and I appreciate that about them.   Looks matter to women, but you can do a lot for yourself by the way you carry yourself and your "aura" so to speak.

Ha...all this time I've never truly considered that...

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Nor should it IMO.
Are you still wearing the black nail polish?

Nope. Not anymore.

[Thelambofdeth]

3 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Many women have a guy because it's better than being alone.  Doesn't mean that they're not attracted to anyone else, or looking for a better deal.  And it's not supposed to happen often.  You and I are regular guys, we're not going to experience women outright oogling us with their eyes every day.  That's why the next time this happens you have to take action.

 All of this...does make sense, actually.

[Foxhall]

On 12/4/2021 at 9:24 PM, Thelambofdeth said:

Also imo buying drinks is pointless. It doesn't really accomplish anything. No woman gets interested bc you bough her a drink. Either she's already attracted to you or she isn't. A drink won't buffer that at all.

well maybe so, nonetheless it might be useful as an ice breaker for you,

just to get a conversation started, 

I suspect you spend too much time sitting by yourself dreaming about the ladies without advancing past that,

most ladies enjoy having conversation- they will not mind you engaging and talking to them,

a place where I have been good at over the years is trains- you know just striking up random conversations with ladies out of convenience,

be brave take a risk or two.

 

[beentheredonethat77]

6'3 very attractive trait in itself.  If you put a lot of thought into how you dress, you're probably well groomed / appear like you'd smell lovely too -- all attractive things.   I dont like the word 'ugly' as its not only sad to think of anybody seeing themselves this way but its also such negative self-talk and feeds into your self-described defeatist posture (of not locking eyes, not buying drinks, generally feeling, and no doubt giving energy off that its all a waste now and you've given up). 

I saw someone mention black nail polish, you dont wear it anymore -- now im all for expressing your individuality but if you are wondering in earnest why you may be overlooked/invisible to women  - it could be that your style choices are intimidating or a bit 'too much' for the majority of ladies? .. YOu mentioned gay men -- perhaps the gaydar is picking up a lot of quirky over-the-top theatric fashion choices? .. Not suggesting you change a single thing about yourself -- but if you are wanting to meet someone.. maybe subdue it a bit and channel your eye for dressing well into a more conventionally appealing way.   Everyone likes different looks but fo me -- Nothing sexier than a tall black man in a cashmere turtleneck or leather jacket and smelling delicious.. mm. I dont care too much what is face is doing at this point.  Just a sexy aura around this whole look (for me, personally! everyone different). 

I can think of some very tall black males that i find extremely attractive and none of them (aside from celebrities who are meant to be pretty) are conventionally attractive in facial features.   I even think of "Seal" who was married to Heidi Klum and my gosh what a presence he had.. despite having severely acne scarred skin, and even he was probably on the prettier end of the spectrum of some of the men ive considered attractive (along with my friends -- who are all very attractive women). 

 

Anyway all the best to you -- i hope so much you can move past this one woman as i think with a few minor tweaks you'd probably find you have many many options who arn't with their bf.  

I 

Edited December 6, 2021 by beentheredonethat77

[chillii]

6 hours ago, Foxhall said:

well maybe so, nonetheless it might be useful as an ice breaker for you,

just to get a conversation started, 

I suspect you spend too much time sitting by yourself dreaming about the ladies without advancing past that,

most ladies enjoy having conversation- they will not mind you engaging and talking to them,

a place where I have been good at over the years is trains- you know just striking up random conversations with ladies out of convenience,

be brave take a risk or two.

 

Ahhhh , l miss trains. when l was a kid l use to train all over the place often all through the night.

[Thelambofdeth]

12 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

6'3 very attractive trait in itself.  If you put a lot of thought into how you dress, you're probably well groomed / appear like you'd smell lovely too -- all attractive things.   I dont like the word 'ugly' as its not only sad to think of anybody seeing themselves this way but its also such negative self-talk and feeds into your self-described defeatist posture (of not locking eyes, not buying drinks, generally feeling, and no doubt giving energy off that its all a waste now and you've given up). 

Indeed, I'm always well groomed, hygienic and very particular about the cologne I wear but I do have that "defeatist posture you mention". That stems from the low-confidence and approach anxiety. Weirdly enough though, since I'm just naturally aloof and laid back i'd been told it makes me seem disinterested and haughty, which isn't what I'm going for. I just feel like it's superfluous to buy a drink for a girl or try to lock eyes because I don't anticipate any of them being intersteed.

 

Quote

I saw someone mention black nail polish, you dont wear it anymore -- now im all for expressing your individuality but if you are wondering in earnest why you may be overlooked/invisible to women  - it could be that your style choices are intimidating or a bit 'too much' for the majority of ladies? .. YOu mentioned gay men -- perhaps the gaydar is picking up a lot of quirky over-the-top theatric fashion choices? .. Not suggesting you change a single thing about yourself -- but if you are wanting to meet someone.. maybe subdue it a bit and channel your eye for dressing well into a more conventionally appealing way.   Everyone likes different looks but fo me -- Nothing sexier than a tall black man in a cashmere turtleneck or leather jacket and smelling delicious.. mm. I dont care too much what is face is doing at this point.  Just a sexy aura around this whole look (for me, personally! everyone different). 

My style for isn't too flashy or flamboyant really. It's mostly monochromatic with the occasional red or gray. Mostly suits, sweaters, leather jackets, overcoats...things like that. But sometimes I do dress kinda 60/s70's rocker ish...Kind of Hendrix, Morrison-esque. Kinda like Lenny Kravitz(which I've gotten many comparison to before) but it's always dark colors.  I think what makes me stick out to gay dudes is the combination of my high fashion attire and the fact that I'm a tall, black dude not hitting on women. People at a bar for example are going to expect me to be aggressive, extroverted, cocky and suave or whatever and approach a lot of women....and I don't so I guess it sends of gaydar signs. Anyway, as far as face goes...it's tricky. I know there are some women who aren't adverse to black dudes...but you just never know, so it makes me hesistate even more bc not only do i have to find a woman that's interested, I also have to worry about the race factor. But I suppose I've been putting too much onus on what women think of your face as I always thought that was the most important.

 

Quote

I can think of some very tall black males that i find extremely attractive and none of them (aside from celebrities who are meant to be pretty) are conventionally attractive in facial features.   I even think of "Seal" who was married to Heidi Klum and my gosh what a presence he had.. despite having severely acne scarred skin, and even he was probably on the prettier end of the spectrum of some of the men ive considered attractive (along with my friends -- who are all very attractive women). 

All of your friends are attractive? lol...But I never thought of it like that. I always thought it was "face, face, face" in terms for important. The thing is with women (especially the pretty ones) you just have no way of knowing how important looks are. For some many women it's all about the face, and for some I suppose it isn't

 

Quote

Anyway all the best to you -- i hope so much you can move past this one woman as i think with a few minor tweaks you'd probably find you have many many options who arn't with their bf

I'd love the options. I guess I need something to spark my confidence...and a pretty woman staring at me would've done that...had she not been with a guy every time lol.

[Thelambofdeth]

16 hours ago, Foxhall said:

well maybe so, nonetheless it might be useful as an ice breaker for you,

just to get a conversation started, 

I suspect you spend too much time sitting by yourself dreaming about the ladies without advancing past that,

most ladies enjoy having conversation- they will not mind you engaging and talking to them,

a place where I have been good at over the years is trains- you know just striking up random conversations with ladies out of convenience,

be brave take a risk or two.

 

I mean...most women won't mind having a conversation with a random dude...if he looks like Harry Styles. Women don't really want to be approached in public by strangers, anymore unless you're hot. it's deemed "weird" or "creepy" now. Especially since women having SM and dating apps with entail such a surplus of male validation, already. Dude, women don't want some random, tall black dude approaching them on the train...lol. Even if they're nice or polite, it won't go anywhere.

[glows]

She was with someone so ignore whatever is coming from her. Surely you can't be so longing for attention that someone random who stares at a bar is a point of interest. People stare all the time whether you notice or not. Leave it alone and go about your own business. Chat with others sitting around you. 

Being self-depreciating only goes so far but try to stop that kind of self-talk. It makes others suspicious of what you're about. If you can talk about yourself that way, you can say the same demeaning things about others. I read your original post and the words you used to describe this woman. I'd say forget this scenario or person and don't be afraid to interact with other singles.

Edited December 6, 2021 by glows

[Thelambofdeth]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

She was with someone so ignore whatever is coming from her. Surely you can't be so longing for attention that someone random who stares at a bar is a point of interest. People stare all the time whether you notice or not. Leave it alone and go about your own business. Chat with others sitting around you. 

Obviously, or I wouldn't have made a topic about it. Like I said in the OP, I never get stared at and very rarely do women approach me, so yes, my "longing for attention" makes this stick out. I have approach anxiety, so I can't just "chat with others sitting around"...I try to look for clear signs a woman is interested, but there's always a lack of signals.

Quote

Being self-depreciating only goes so far but try to stop that kind of self-talk. It makes others suspicious of what you're about. If you can talk about yourself that way, you can say the same demeaning things about others. I read your original post and the words you used to describe this woman. I'd say forget this scenario or person and don't be afraid to interact with other singles.

If I could I would. The self-depreciating thoughts are how I actually feel, so it makes it extremely difficult to approach women who don't come to me. Nigh impossible.

[beentheredonethat77]

2 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Indeed, I'm always well groomed, hygienic and very particular about the cologne I wear but I do have that "defeatist posture you mention". That stems from the low-confidence and approach anxiety. Weirdly enough though, since I'm just naturally aloof and laid back i'd been told it makes me seem disinterested and haughty, which isn't what I'm going for. I just feel like it's superfluous to buy a drink for a girl or try to lock eyes because I don't anticipate any of them being intersteed.

 

My style for isn't too flashy or flamboyant really. It's mostly monochromatic with the occasional red or gray. Mostly suits, sweaters, leather jackets, overcoats...things like that. But sometimes I do dress kinda 60/s70's rocker ish...Kind of Hendrix, Morrison-esque. Kinda like Lenny Kravitz(which I've gotten many comparison to before) but it's always dark colors.  I think what makes me stick out to gay dudes is the combination of my high fashion attire and the fact that I'm a tall, black dude not hitting on women. People at a bar for example are going to expect me to be aggressive, extroverted, cocky and suave or whatever and approach a lot of women....and I don't so I guess it sends of gaydar signs. Anyway, as far as face goes...it's tricky. I know there are some women who aren't adverse to black dudes...but you just never know, so it makes me hesistate even more bc not only do i have to find a woman that's interested, I also have to worry about the race factor. But I suppose I've been putting too much onus on what women think of your face as I always thought that was the most important.

 

All of your friends are attractive? lol...But I never thought of it like that. I always thought it was "face, face, face" in terms for important. The thing is with women (especially the pretty ones) you just have no way of knowing how important looks are. For some many women it's all about the face, and for some I suppose it isn't

 

I'd love the options. I guess I need something to spark my confidence...and a pretty woman staring at me would've done that...had she not been with a guy every time lol.

I absolutely love your style .. monochromatic with a contrasting red occasionally.. against your dark skin.  Believe me, women would be attracted to you.  Its not all "face face face" -- its charisma and you have all the tools by the sounds of it -- you just need to believe it :).   

Ps. "All" my friends being attractive was probably a biased overstatement as i do love my friends and see their inner beauty too -- but i can say many of them are stunners and head-turners (literally).. and we talk about this type of thing a lot, as few of them are in the singles market.   Im no longer as im currently dating a 6'3 man (his height was first thing i noticed and found incredibly hot).   When the girls and i are talking about men/dating.. we dont get into facial dimensions etc and analyzing features -- its just isn't something that really comes up -- its a "Package" thing.... the look, style, charm, scent, personality, politeness, respect -- intelligence (you are very articulate), -the way he carries himself (personally i love a charismatic but humble approachable man who seems like he'll treat me like a lady but still be a lot of fun and enjoy eachothers cheeky banter ).-

if you come across as haughty (i can picture this too, i know both males and females who are shy and it absolutely appears like arrogance when its not -- i always felt compassion for people who had to work extra hard to look 'nice' when their face didn't look that way -- but such is life, you just have to:)).  Otherwise, womeone so tall, stylish and with a potentially haughty look on their face -- talk about intimidating  -- like one of my girlfriends who is both a model and owner of the fiercest resting b**** face ive ever seen haha -- she petrifies men and also complains constantly that she cant get a date --- IF you work on one thing its easing up and learning to smile and appear approachable -- i think it will make such a difference.  Fake it til you make it if you need to:)  

Edited December 6, 2021 by beentheredonethat77

[beentheredonethat77]

2 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Indeed, I'm always well groomed, hygienic and very particular about the cologne I wear but I do have that "defeatist posture you mention". That stems from the low-confidence and approach anxiety. Weirdly enough though, since I'm just naturally aloof and laid back i'd been told it makes me seem disinterested and haughty, which isn't what I'm going for. I just feel like it's superfluous to buy a drink for a girl or try to lock eyes because I don't anticipate any of them being intersteed.

 

My style for isn't too flashy or flamboyant really. It's mostly monochromatic with the occasional red or gray. Mostly suits, sweaters, leather jackets, overcoats...things like that. But sometimes I do dress kinda 60/s70's rocker ish...Kind of Hendrix, Morrison-esque. Kinda like Lenny Kravitz(which I've gotten many comparison to before) but it's always dark colors.  I think what makes me stick out to gay dudes is the combination of my high fashion attire and the fact that I'm a tall, black dude not hitting on women. People at a bar for example are going to expect me to be aggressive, extroverted, cocky and suave or whatever and approach a lot of women....and I don't so I guess it sends of gaydar signs. Anyway, as far as face goes...it's tricky. I know there are some women who aren't adverse to black dudes...but you just never know, so it makes me hesistate even more bc not only do i have to find a woman that's interested, I also have to worry about the race factor. But I suppose I've been putting too much onus on what women think of your face as I always thought that was the most important.

 

All of your friends are attractive? lol...But I never thought of it like that. I always thought it was "face, face, face" in terms for important. The thing is with women (especially the pretty ones) you just have no way of knowing how important looks are. For some many women it's all about the face, and for some I suppose it isn't

 

I'd love the options. I guess I need something to spark my confidence...and a pretty woman staring at me would've done that...had she not been with a guy every time lol.

She was almost certainly staring at you because she was attracted (if not mesmerized by you)-- even if she was using you as jealousy bait , she still saw you as someone who would make her man jealous  -- Please take that spark of confidence and use it to propel you toward good single women -- you DO have what it takes.  

[Thelambofdeth]

2 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

I absolutely love your style .. monochromatic with a contrasting red occasionally.. against your dark skin.  Believe me, women would be attracted to you.  Its not all "face face face" -- its charisma and you have all the tools by the sounds of it -- you just need to believe it :).   

The issue is I don't know which women. My attire and my personality don't always match. I go to a dive bar because I like rock/metal music and the dark, grungy aesthetic of the bar. Also the women there aren't as....attractive and more my speed personality wise(weird, artsy, alternative, goth) so I expected it to be easy to succeed there, but bc I dress so differently I feel like I stand out. I feel like if I went to a venue I actually dressed appropriately for like a lounge or a cocktail bar, well, the women there would have standards way too high.

Quote

Ps. "All" my friends being attractive was probably a biased overstatement as i do love my friends and see their inner beauty too -- but i can say many of them are stunners and head-turners (literally).. and we talk about this type of thing a lot, as few of them are in the singles market.   I'm no longer as i'm currently dating a 6'3 man (his height was first thing i noticed and found incredibly hot).   When the girls and i are talking about men/dating.. we don't get into facial dimensions etc and analyzing features -- its just isn't something that really comes up -- its a "Package" thing.... the look, style, charm, scent, personality, politeness, respect -- intelligence (you are very articulate), -the way he carries himself (personally i love a charismatic but humble approachable man who seems like he'll treat me like a lady but still be a lot of fun and enjoy eachothers cheeky banter )

I always suspected face as the first and most important physical aspect mentioned when women discuss...I wonder how true this is for most women...The thing is bc of my opinion of my face I've tried to lower my standards accordingly and only focus on less-attractive women as that seems more realistic. I do think I have style, and I'm cordial and polite, and I consider myself intelligent(thank you) but I'm pretty sarcastic and I'm just naturally aloof and nonchalant, so I feel like my natural disposition will be off-putting to most women. I think I come off as more snarky than charming lol, but it's not intentional.

Quote

if you come across as haughty (i can picture this too, i know both males and females who are shy and it absolutely appears like arrogance when its not -- i always felt compassion for people who had to work extra hard to look 'nice' when their face didn't look that way -- but such is life, you just have to:)).  Otherwise, womeone so tall, stylish and with a potentially haughty look on their face -- talk about intimidating  -- like one of my girlfriends who is both a model and owner of the fiercest resting b**** face ive ever seen haha -- she petrifies men and also complains constantly that she cant get a date --- IF you work on one thing its easing up and learning to smile and appear approachable -- i think it will make such a difference.  Fake it til you make it if you need to:)  

Yes, I have a terrible resting b*tch face, so combined with my height, my race and the over-dressing...I'm sure I don't exactly come off as unapproachable, and I'm always complaining that women don't approach me enough. And that's not even considering I try to avoid eye contact and whatnot lol. But it's more that I'm really just reserved and introverted. But looking so disinterested is something I can certainly work on...

 

Quote

She was almost certainly staring at you because she was attracted (if not mesmerized by you)-- even if she was using you as jealousy bait , she still saw you as someone who would make her man jealous  -- Please take that spark of confidence and use it to propel you toward good single women -- you DO have what it takes.  

She was actually at the same bar on last Friday, too. When I was outside smoking with a friend I noticed she came out a little after, but I went out of my way not to look at her. I noticed she came up beside me briefly before going back in but I didn't look at her. According to my friend she gave me look once before coming beside me and once more before going back in. Later on the night just by happenstance of going around the bar I locked eyes with her twice...I immediately broke gaze both times but it seems like every time I look up, I notice her looking at me. And weirder still she was with the same dude again. It's just really weird. If any of the women there alone or just with girlfriends noticed me a 1/4 as much as this chick does I'd be all set lol. If she was doing this just to make this guy jealous, she would've gotten bored and chosen someone else by now. I have no idea why this chick keep leering....if she wasn't pretty I'd just assume she was a psycho.

Edited December 6, 2021 by Thelambofdeth

[mark clemson]

On 12/4/2021 at 1:30 PM, Thelambofdeth said:

I'm a 6'3 black guy who overdresses

Hmm. New info.

She may indeed have been hot for you. As you probably know some women "have a thing" for black guys. Not sure I'd recommend engaging with her if that's what's driving the attraction, but that would be your choice to make/not make.

Tall and well dressed are also good. I think you may be selling yourself short. Heidi Klum married Seal and he's got scars.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but if dating/finding partners is an issue for you it may be primarily psychological/your internalized views or  attitudes that are the real issue. You might consider if talking to a therapist would be worthwhile for you IF you would like to start dating.

Edited December 6, 2021 by mark clemson

[Thelambofdeth]

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. New info.

She may indeed have been hot for you. As you probably know some women "have a thing" for black guys. Not sure I'd recommend engaging with her if that's what's driving the attraction, but that would be your choice to make/not make.

Tall and well dressed are also good. I think you may be selling yourself short. Heidi Klum married Seal and he's got scars.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but if dating/finding partners is an issue for you it may be primarily psychological/your internalized views or  attitudes that are the real issue. You might consider if talking to a therapist would be worthwhile for you IF you would like to start dating.

I mean I'm in pretty great shape too...a bit on the lanky side, but I have broad shoulders...Still, none of that has really helped me in getting women's attention.

Do I want to approach a woman who's likely fetishizing me bc of my race? Of course not...but beggars can't really be choosers. I have no other options and she's pretty...I can hardly just dismiss it. Things is it's not likely I'm the only black guy at a given time at the bar...the best dressed but hardly the best looking. It just makes no sense for her to focus on me, three times in a row....

lols that doesn't count. Seal happens to be a extremely talented musician. I think money and artistic talent trump facial scars...sadly I'm neither rich nor a famous musician.

Of course I would like to start dating again but idk how therapy would rectify that. I already know I just need my confidence with attracting women rebuilt, but because my self-esteem is so low I don't have the self-esteem needed to approach them because the rejection would shatter my ego even more.

[mark clemson]

^^ okay. Rejection is part of the game, but mostly you want to attempt to go for women who seem interested in you in first place (MHO). That is by no means a panacea, but should keep it down to a dull roar. However, if you are that affected by it, seeking therapy first (from a skilled, experienced therapist who is confident they can understand your issues and help you with them) might be wise as you don't want to make things harder for yourself.

[Thelambofdeth]

20 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

^^ okay. Rejection is part of the game, but mostly you want to attempt to go for women who seem interested in you in first place (MHO). That is by no means a panacea, but should keep it down to a dull roar. However, if you are that affected by it, seeking therapy first (from a skilled, experienced therapist who is confident they can understand your issues and help you with them) might be wise as you don't want to make things harder for yourself.

Well yeah, that's what I've been doing. I couldn't cold approach if I wanted to, so I've been looking for signs or indicators of interest from women that they would at least allow me to approach or talk to them. I just never really get any. And it's not likely I'm one of those delusional guys who only seeks women out of his league or something. I pretty much only narrow it to 7s and lower, and still none of them seem interested or give any signals.

[chillii]

3 times in a row , she has a thing for you of course , whatever it is. But tbh, l can't stand women acting like that when they're already with someone it's disgusting and l feel embarrassed for him too. Tbh , she doesn't sound like the sort of woman you'd wanna be getting messed up with anyway , l'd go about my business enjoying my night with whomever else l'm with or get talking to . As far as race , black women l suppose should like likewise, so why not just stick to that then, and so no guessing needed on that front.

Edited December 6, 2021 by chillii

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

3 times in a row , she has a thing for you of course , whatever it is. But tbh, l can't stand women acting like that when they're already with someone it's disgusting and l feel embarrassed for him too. Tbh , she doesn't sound like the sort of woman you'd wanna be getting messed up with anyway , l'd go about my business enjoying my night with whomever else l'm with or get talking to . As far as race , black women l suppose should like likewise, so why not just stick to that then, and so no guessing needed on that front.

It's totally possible her and that guy are just casual and aren't exclusive or anything. It is a bar, and not exactly the classiest lol. And again, I'm not exactly in the position to be particular...

It much trickier than that. Just bc she's black doesn't mean she's automatically going to like me. I don't go out seeking any specific race, but I'm into alternative women and most of them are white, and so are most of the women here in general. Not to mention many alternative black women just opt for white guys, so it's no guarantee even when race is involveded. If that was the case every guy with no options could just find a woman their own race to automatically like them lol.

[basil67]

A couple of years you were discussing trying to meet women and your 'overdressing' was something discussed there too.   

Now if you were wearing a fine three piece suit and tie somewhere where it would be very odd to do so, this woman was likely staring because you looked out of place.  Not because she was attracted.   And the second and third times were likely "OMG that's the dude who wears those clothes!".

For better or worse, fitting in often depends on how we present.  Neuro typical humans tend to feel far more comfortable among those who act in a predictable way.  Sure, humans still accept variety, but someone who seems a bit weird or odd will leave many feeling wary.   

Of course, you are absolutely free to wear whatever you want, but our choices have consequences-  and looking out of place does tend to lead to people staring and avoidance.   You mentioned before that you go to metal and goth gigs but you can't find anyone because of how you look there too.  Thing is, how do they know you're essentially of their tribe if you reject the "uniform" of that tribe? 

[Thelambofdeth]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

A couple of years you were discussing trying to meet women and your 'overdressing' was something discussed there too.   

Now if you were wearing a fine three piece suit and tie somewhere where it would be very odd to do so, this woman was likely staring because you looked out of place.  Not because she was attracted.   And the second and third times were likely "OMG that's the dude who wears those clothes!".

For better or worse, fitting in often depends on how we present.  Neuro typical humans tend to feel far more comfortable among those who act in a predictable way.  Sure, humans still accept variety, but someone who seems a bit weird or odd will leave many feeling wary.   

Of course, you are absolutely free to wear whatever you want, but our choices have consequences-  and looking out of place does tend to lead to people staring and avoidance.   You mentioned before that you go to metal and goth gigs but you can't find anyone because of how you look there too.  Thing is, how do they know you're essentially of their tribe if you reject the "uniform" of that tribe? 

I mean, it's not like I'm wearing a green and red Gucci suit with an ascot and neon boots. There are occasionally other guys there with suits or that are well dressed as well, I just do it all the time.

 

if there was no attraction at all on her part, why approach and give me the initial compliment? I didn't even notice her until that. Hell, that same night her friend(not that guy) complimented my outfit as well as I was leaving with my friend. Why stand close to me and look at me last week? Like I don't dress nearly outlandish enough to have the same person notice three weeks while they're out with someone if it just because they think I'm odd. My clothes are monochromatic, gray or red...while I am over-dressed most of the time, it's not flamboyant, loud or distracting.

I don't go to concerts in a full suit or anything lol. I dress appropriately for that venue. I'm not a total social invalid. At places like that though people seem sectioned off and distant and don't really seem to want to meet new people. All the women there usually have bfs and the bfs are sure to clutch them for the whole show so everyone knows lol.

And it's  just that my clothes are what give me any semblance of confidence so if I'm at something like a bar feel hollow of I'm not dressed my usual way. Coincidently, I wouldn't feel comfortable at a place where dressing that way was appropriate because all the women there would have much higher standards.

[basil67]

Thank you for the redirect.  Sounds all good then

[Thelambofdeth]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Thank you for the redirect.  Sounds all good then

I doubt it. I do think there's some interest there, but there's still the matter of this dude. That's my luck, if an attractive woman is interested in me, there has to be an asterisk involved lol.