My 12 year old has very few friends

[livingalife2009]

My 12 year old smart, hardworking and level headed girl has very few friends. She wants to be around other kids but at the same time she finds them boring - no shared interest.

She started to find her best friend of 7 years (together since kindergarten) boring also. She now has a new friend that she hangout with but this girl is full of drama. 

I suspect my daughter has social anxiety. I ask if she wants to see a school counselor and also a therapist but she refuses. She is quite open to me though. I'm thinking of taking her to her pediatrician to see if she would recommend medication. She may also has a touch of ADHD.

Anyone's kid has similar problems?

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I do not have children so can’t speak to that but I understand feeling bored with peers. Maybe she needs to explore more hobbies or activities to find her tribe so to speak. 

I am in my 50s but definitely remember finding many of my peers boring in school and even work friends. Things that most people love - like watching the Oscar’s and getting all wrapped up in talking nonstop about what every celebrity was wearing - I can’t get far enough away from all that. 

Good luck and I am sure with such a supportive parent, together you will help her find friends that she clicks with.

[Wiseman2]

Why not see a physician/pediatrician? Perhaps it's puberty or teen angst or all the problems and conflicts at home.

Talk to objective outsiders such as her teachers.

In the meantime ask what she is interested in an enroll her in those things. For example sports, groups, clubs and any other interests.

[Happy Lemming]

Some children and some adults are just loners and prefer the company of themselves.

Let her be who she wants to be.  If she wants to have just one or two friends, so be it. She may grow out of it or she may not.  She may become one of those people that keeps to herself (for the most part) and there is nothing wrong with that.

Not everyone has to be a popular social butterfly!!

[dramafreezone]

22 hours ago, livingalife2009 said:

My 12 year old smart, hardworking and level headed girl has very few friends. She wants to be around other kids but at the same time she finds them boring - no shared interest.

She started to find her best friend of 7 years (together since kindergarten) boring also. She now has a new friend that she hangout with but this girl is full of drama. 

I suspect my daughter has social anxiety. I ask if she wants to see a school counselor and also a therapist but she refuses. She is quite open to me though. I'm thinking of taking her to her pediatrician to see if she would recommend medication. She may also has a touch of ADHD.

Anyone's kid has similar problems?

She sounds like a highly motivated student.  Often times the *brainiacs* just don't have a lot of friends.  She's basically telling you that she does want friends, but she can't relate to the ones that are here, she finds them boring.  Be thankful that she's communicating with you so well, now it's up to you to *listen*.  She knows what she feels.

I don't think she needs medication.  She needs to be around like-minded kids, maybe think about applying to a gifted program or some honor society so that she can socialize with other kids on her level.  There has to be something that she loves, classical music, writing, science.  Put her in position where her strengths are cultivated.  

I was kind of the same way when I was in middle school  You don't want her to do what I did, which is slow myself down to fit in with the "cool" people.  My grades suffered and took me years to get back on track, just to fit in with those people who are now doing nothing with their lives.  If she's not a social butterfly in general, don't focus on trying to make her that, all that will happen is that she will become a bit better socially while everything that makes her unique suffers.

Edited December 4, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Foxhall]

I imagine the child will pick up very quickly on your anxiety for her to have friends,

It may be important for you to not let her see this anxiety so much, if you become more relaxed about the situation,

Its a catch-22 I suppose, 

the problem I see is that it is likely she will continue in a lonely vein for at least the next four years and you certainly dont want her becoming reclusive,

Yet I suspect she is smart and will likely meet a lot of like minded people as she progresses through her later teenage years,

I think you should relax more about the current situation, but at the same time take measures to ensure her social skills do develop.

 

[BaileyB]

On 12/3/2021 at 4:33 PM, livingalife2009 said:

I suspect my daughter has social anxiety.

My 17 year old step son has no friends. His primary social contact is his father and he now spends much of his time in his bedroom watching you tube alone. I have always found it odd but it became a real problem this past fall when his anxiety was such that he couldn’t attend school. He is now on medication and attending school again, but the friend situation is the same. I have no answers for you. Just empathy, it’s hard to watch and feel like they are missing out on life. 

Edited December 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[livingalife2009]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

My 17 year old step son has no friends. His primary social contact is his father and he now spends much of his time in his bedroom watching you tube alone. I have always found it odd but it became a real problem this past fall when his anxiety was such that he couldn’t attend school. He is now on medication and attending school again, but the friend situation is the same. I have no answers for you. Just empathy, it’s hard to watch and feel like they are missing out on life. 

I'm so sorry about your son. I hope he will get the help he needs.

[dramafreezone]

On 12/10/2021 at 5:17 PM, BaileyB said:

My 17 year old step son has no friends. His primary social contact is his father and he now spends much of his time in his bedroom watching you tube alone. I have always found it odd but it became a real problem this past fall when his anxiety was such that he couldn’t attend school. He is now on medication and attending school again, but the friend situation is the same. I have no answers for you. Just empathy, it’s hard to watch and feel like they are missing out on life. 

Sorry to hear this.  It's really the same thing solution though.  Find out what your son likes to do and put him in that environment, with people that like to do the same things.  Maybe he likes to review and react to Youtube content.  There is an actual community for that.   Just start with asking him what he wants to do, and support him in that.

Anxiety often comes from being around people that we can't relate to.  We all just want to be around like-minded people.

Edited December 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Anxiety often comes from being around people that we can't relate to.  We all just want to be around like-minded people.

No, in this case if her daughter has a social anxiety disorder, it is a real condition that can be treated with therapy. Specifically cognitive behavioural therapy. Social anxiety is essentially the fear of rejection. @livingalife2009 At 12 years old, your daughter is very much concerned with being liked by her peers (and likely concerned with being attractive), but her defense mechanism to the fear of rejection is to withdraw and avoid the situations where she might be rejected. You need to be proactive because defense mechanisms can become very ingrained and avoidance is not something that you want ingrained. Take her to a psychologist at least to have an assessment done, whether she wants to or not (you are her mother after all).

[Wiseman2]

On 12/3/2021 at 5:33 PM, livingalife2009 said:

My 12 year old smart, hardworking and level headed girl has very few friends. She wants to be around other kids but at the same time she finds them boring - no shared interest.

She started to find her best friend of 7 years (together since kindergarten) boring also. She now has a new friend that she . She may also has a touch of ADHD

Is she unhappy? Or are you unhappy about it? Don't jump on the ADHD bandwagon. Not every teen/puberty angst situation needs micromanaging with  stimulant drugs.

Instead, if she is unhappy or excessively withdrawn, see a pediatrician.

Maybe it's normal teen/puberty stuff, maybe she's depressed, who knows? But don't google diagnose her with the overused ADHD wastebasket. Don't drag her to a therapist. First see a physician.

[FMW]

My thoughts echo some of what has already been recommended.  Talk to her teachers about your concerns.  Ask if they see any issues with her.

I would hesitate to push the issue with her, especially the idea of counseling or therapy.  That tells her you think there is something wrong with her and will only serve to increase her anxiety and make her less likely to reach out. 

Twelve can be a time of big transitions.  It's not unusual for her to outgrow a friend that she's had for a long time.  She's clearly capable of making new friends, even if you don't particularly care for her friend that you think is full of drama.  That age is a time for high drama from what I've heard from some of my friends about their daughters.

ADHD medication is not something to mess around with unless you are very certain that is what she's dealing with.  Unless she exhibits signs of depression or other obvious clinical problems, try to appreciate her as the individual she is.  She may not be as social and engaged as you were or as some other girls her age, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her.  

[elaine567]

Could she be being bullied?
She has no interest in her "friends", because they have deserted her or are in fact hostile to her...

[dramafreezone]

On 12/14/2021 at 1:11 AM, FMW said:

I would hesitate to push the issue with her, especially the idea of counseling or therapy.  That tells her you think there is something wrong with her and will only serve to increase her anxiety and make her less likely to reach out. 

 

 

OP sounds like a good parent, and i think she's doing better than the majority based on this limited information.  I would just talk to your daugher regularly.  In medicine we having a saying, "when all else fails, talk to the patient."  I think she's already told you so much, but keeping those lines of communication open, building and maintaining trust is vital.  Maybe she would benefit from some form of therapy, hell we all would, but it may not come down to requiring medication.  Our kids tell us what we need to help them, we just have to listen to them, include them in your decision-making.  They're at a point where they want to begin to exercise choice, so foster that, don't suppress it.

Edited December 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address first post

[livingalife2009]

On 12/4/2021 at 3:56 PM, dramafreezone said:

She sounds like a highly motivated student.  Often times the *brainiacs* just don't have a lot of friends.  She's basically telling you that she does want friends, but she can't relate to the ones that are here, she finds them boring.  Be thankful that she's communicating with you so well, now it's up to you to *listen*.  She knows what she feels.

I don't think she needs medication.  She needs to be around like-minded kids, maybe think about applying to a gifted program or some honor society so that she can socialize with other kids on her level.  There has to be something that she loves, classical music, writing, science.  Put her in position where her strengths are cultivated.  

I was kind of the same way when I was in middle school  You don't want her to do what I did, which is slow myself down to fit in with the "cool" people.  My grades suffered and took me years to get back on track, just to fit in with those people who are now doing nothing with their lives.  If she's not a social butterfly in general, don't focus on trying to make her that, all that will happen is that she will become a bit better socially while everything that makes her 

Update; This afternoon after school she brought 3 of her classmates home to work on a school project. They seemed to have fun and enjoy together.  Her best friend of 7 years also was there and stayed later than everyone else, which was fine.

After everyone left, I told my daughter I liked her friends. I also told her that she got invited to another holiday party - she was happy. She also shared a new information about herself today, she said she is a loner, but in a good way. She likes having friends but she's overwhelmed spending too much time with them. She LOVES being alone. Her favorite thing to do when alone is WRITE AND PERFECT HER CURSIVE HANDWRITING.  I must say she's has the most beautiful handwriting. 

I'm happy to know that she figures it out and that she does have friends.

[dramafreezone]

15 hours ago, livingalife2009 said:

She likes having friends but she's overwhelmed spending too much time with them. She LOVES being alone. Her favorite thing to do when alone is WRITE AND PERFECT HER CURSIVE HANDWRITING.  I must say she's has the most beautiful handwriting. 

I'm happy to know that she figures it out and that she does have friends.

I'm the exact same way.  Your daughter is a classic introvert.

I love being around my friends too, but I reach a limit of social interaction/stimulation, after which I need time to myself to recharge.  If I'm forced to be in a social environment past my "limit" I get a bad headache, and actually pretty irritable.   Also I would say the size of the group determines how quickly my energy is drained.  I could hang out with a good friend one on one for hours, but if it were 10 or more people maybe an hour tops and then I'd want to leave.

Introverts are recharged by being alone.  Extroverts are the opposite, they are revitalized by being around people.  Extroverts are the typical "social butterflies."  Introverts are very misunderstood, people think we're loners because we just don't like people or we're shy.  It's just a difference in how we process social information/energy.

She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and she'll figure out what works best for her.

Edited December 16, 2021 by dramafreezone