I am the ex affair partner of a married man.

[InvestedBandAid]

I'm the ex affair partner of a married man. We were together for 6 years. I am just as confused as his wife most certainly would be if she found out. We wanted more, but I probably wanted more than he did. We planned for a life together and family pressure prevented him from divorcing. He keeps up appearances all the same. He's been struggling with wanting to leave for a decade now (verified by his family). We have a business together. He comes to me for life, work, and personal advice. He had taken a couple years to get past the financial and familial entanglements, and had an easy time imagining telling his wife that their marriage would be over. Every time he'd prep himself, he stopped at their child and couldn't pull the trigger. We had a mild, almost- D-day and he wanted to continue the affair. I ended it because he threw me under the bus and treated me poorly. You said so yourself that in the beginning, he stayed for your first child.

In my post affair grief, I sought the advice of many men similar to him, to learn his perspective. Almost every last one said that they'd beg for forgiveness if they were caught so they didn't lose access to their children, then wait until trust is rebuilt enough to resume the affair, and plan to leave when the kids are grown or old enough to handle a divorce. The ones who have done this constantly post about regretting staying later, that they pine daily in secret for their AP, feel the kids would have been okay by now after a divorce, but refuse to leave because the ex AP moved on and the feel it's too late to win her back.

I wouldn't hold onto him in your position, knowing what I know. I don't know how old your kids are, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't stop thinking of someone else or who's faking romantic love with me while counting down the days/months/years to leave or start cheating again. You don't mention anything about him attempting true reconciliation or ending the affair on his own terms. A one night stand or string of one night stands is one thing... having a second life with someone else is entirely another.

I would cut your losses. Not as an OW hoping for their success, but knowing that you'll never see him the same, sleep well, or trust him again. He pretended like everything was fine with you for years. Mine did the same. He's doing the "honorable" thing by staying married for the sake of stability for everyone, but his heart isn't in it, or he wouldn't have tried to continue the affair with me. He would have felt guilty somewhere along the way and ended things with me. He only tried ONCE in that 6 years to leave me, and slept with someone else during that time. I'm not saying this to rub anything in your face. You deserve better than someone who will string multiple people along. Men like this never decide, until someone decides for them. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

[pepperbird2]

13 hours ago, InvestedBandAid said:

I'm the ex affair partner of a married man. We were together for 6 years. I am just as confused as his wife most certainly would be if she found out. We wanted more, but I probably wanted more than he did. We planned for a life together and family pressure prevented him from divorcing. He keeps up appearances all the same. He's been struggling with wanting to leave for a decade now (verified by his family). We have a business together. He comes to me for life, work, and personal advice. He had taken a couple years to get past the financial and familial entanglements, and had an easy time imagining telling his wife that their marriage would be over. Every time he'd prep himself, he stopped at their child and couldn't pull the trigger. We had a mild, almost- D-day and he wanted to continue the affair. I ended it because he threw me under the bus and treated me poorly. You said so yourself that in the beginning, he stayed for your first child.

In my post affair grief, I sought the advice of many men similar to him, to learn his perspective. Almost every last one said that they'd beg for forgiveness if they were caught so they didn't lose access to their children, then wait until trust is rebuilt enough to resume the affair, and plan to leave when the kids are grown or old enough to handle a divorce. The ones who have done this constantly post about regretting staying later, that they pine daily in secret for their AP, feel the kids would have been okay by now after a divorce, but refuse to leave because the ex AP moved on and the feel it's too late to win her back.

I wouldn't hold onto him in your position, knowing what I know. I don't know how old your kids are, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't stop thinking of someone else or who's faking romantic love with me while counting down the days/months/years to leave or start cheating again. You don't mention anything about him attempting true reconciliation or ending the affair on his own terms. A one night stand or string of one night stands is one thing... having a second life with someone else is entirely another.

I would cut your losses. Not as an OW hoping for their success, but knowing that you'll never see him the same, sleep well, or trust him again. He pretended like everything was fine with you for years. Mine did the same. He's doing the "honorable" thing by staying married for the sake of stability for everyone, but his heart isn't in it, or he wouldn't have tried to continue the affair with me. He would have felt guilty somewhere along the way and ended things with me. He only tried ONCE in that 6 years to leave me, and slept with someone else during that time. I'm not saying this to rub anything in your face. You deserve better than someone who will string multiple people along. Men like this never decide, until someone decides for them. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

The odd thing is I've seen men who cheat on their wives say the exact opposite, and I think your personal example illustrates a good point about these men. If asked by a (former) ow, they speak to that audience. If it was a betrayed spouse they;d probably speak to that one, and it woudl be the spouse at home they wanted to be with. I really believe a lot of men ( not sure about women) who cheat don't like conflict. They don't want to disrupt their lives, but they do want a bit "extra". They don't want to lose out on the safety of their home/wife, and in many cases, he may really love her, albeit in twisted way. The same is true for the "love" they have for their OW. It's twisted. You don't love someone and go behind their back with another woman. You don't love someone and ask them to go through he torture of seeing you go back to your home and bed with your spouse. If you can do those things and not have your conscience prick you (general you) , that's pretty disturbing.

As for the "I'm going to stay with my wife and pretend until my kids leave home" -that's so incredibly cruel. It's such a jerk move, and I would really question the ethics of an OW who woudl support that. It doesn't sound like that applied to you.

[Allupinnit]

It's illegal to keep a man away from his kids, unless he's an abusive deadbeat who doesn't provide for his family.

I'm a stepmom so I know what I speak of (although it was my H's ex who left for her boss).  So I don't buy the whole "she'll keep me from my kids." 

[InvestedBandAid]

5 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

The odd thing is I've seen men who cheat on their wives say the exact opposite, and I think your personal example illustrates a good point about these men. If asked by a (former) ow, they speak to that audience. If it was a betrayed spouse they;d probably speak to that one, and it woudl be the spouse at home they wanted to be with. I really believe a lot of men ( not sure about women) who cheat don't like conflict. They don't want to disrupt their lives, but they do want a bit "extra". They don't want to lose out on the safety of their home/wife, and in many cases, he may really love her, albeit in twisted way. The same is true for the "love" they have for their OW. It's twisted. You don't love someone and go behind their back with another woman. You don't love someone and ask them to go through he torture of seeing you go back to your home and bed with your spouse. If you can do those things and not have your conscience prick you (general you) , that's pretty disturbing.

As for the "I'm going to stay with my wife and pretend until my kids leave home" -that's so incredibly cruel. It's such a jerk move, and I would really question the ethics of an OW who would support that. It doesn't sound like that applied to you.

I didn't ask them as a former OW. It was an open forum, and they were given the space to answer honestly, because they can't any other place in their lives. They say they've gone all in to convince their wives for the sake of damage control, and decide that being honest now about how they really feel would only hurt their wives further so they keep it to themselves. They feel guilty and stupid for not just outing it then, but adding "I don't feel romantically for you" on top of the pain of the affair wasn't an option, especially if they didn't want to lose access to their kids. It's either piss the wife off in a contentious divorce, or accept "good enough" and put on a show so they don't lose their kids. Most of them said they'd beg the wife to forgive them, but they'd accept the divorce if the wife actually filed. That's why so many women still feel like something is "off" about their marriage after an affair, even when he's trying to "fix" things. The only men I've seen that are happier (not just happy that their life is secure) later are the ones who came to their senses early on, admitted the affair on their own, and were truly remorseful. Those men are the ones who made a mistake, not a life choice to have 2 ongoing relationships. The love they have for their wives isn't a romantic one. It's dutiful. While that's honorable in their minds and in society, it has to be paired with love in order for a woman to really feel it. Of course these men tell the world how much they love their wives and how great their marriage is. They can't openly grieve their affair. They don't want anyone to see them in any other light than the "good guy". A lot of them even admit to their affair helping them be a "better partner and parent" at home because they've had their cup filled elsewhere. It's all selfish. 

No, I didn't support the stay married til the kid is 18 thing. I told him that she's living a lie because of him. I asked him how he'd feel to see her with someone who loves her the same and he looked relieved and said he'd be happy for her, but the thought of another man living with their child and taking his place makes him feel sick. So I left him to fulfill his duties and I won't compete. The situation made me acutely aware of the effects it would have on his child, our relationship, and extended relationships if he were to be fully caught and he left her for me. The OW is almost always to blame. She's thrown under the bus and seen as a "manipulator" as if she has magical convincing powers to make a man act that way. It's an easy scapegoat because we have a really difficult time mentally confirming to ourselves that the people we love and trust are not only capable of acting that way, but doing it to us.. and that our conflicts with our partners may have helped create a perfect storm for this imperfect person to betray us.

I used to HATE cheaters, I thought the same way about cheating as any betrayed wife, and now after falling for someone who cheated, I get it now. OW are human beings too. We are naive, usually believing the person we love most is being mistreated and deserves better (what we think we could offer), and almost every one of them isn't a mate poacher with low self esteem just trying to steal from another woman to boost her ego. the low self esteem comes later, after feeling devalued by the cheater because he refuses to give enough to anyone involved. They were separated when we met, but i didn't know about the separation, let alone the marriage until we were together about 6 months and known each other about 9 months. He was afraid I'd leave him if I knew, and was trying to navigate the potential divorce or getting back together with her on his own. I found out from other people and left him, and he moved back in with her "for their child". He never denied that it was a good enough marriage. It was too good to leave and too bad to stay. So he pursued me with on and off promises of divorce, and kept his home life stable in the meantime. I enabled him to remain in limbo and keep everyone in a state of suspension. I helped make it easy on him to be dishonest. Because I do love him, I chose to stop. I want him to be the best version of himself. What he does from here on is his decision, but at least I won't be enabling negative behavior. He's a very good man for many reasons, and I'm a good woman myself. Stopping these behaviors can ensure, at least for me, the return to the values I've always held highly for myself. 

If their relationship fails because I'm not there to be a bandaid, or any other reason, so be it. If it succeeds because he's being an honest person, then there's one more family in the world that stuck together. If anything happens and he comes back to me, then I will have better standards and will answer from there rather than pure emotion. Not many OW will have these perspectives. They'll fight to the death to maintain the relationship regardless of how it effects others. I want a clean start, not riddled with destruction, skewed perceptions of who I am, without carrying all the blame, a highly conflicted divorce, a child that can't look at dad the same, custody battles, etc. I doubt he'd ever leave her unless she filed, so I'm taking it on the chin and fixing myself. These situations aren't cut and dry where the wife is the "winner" in the end and the OW is a sore loser. The men create hell for everyone involved and break everyone's hearts in one way or another. 

 

[InvestedBandAid]

On 11/15/2021 at 7:04 AM, vla1120 said:

You are already aware that she is starting to give him ultimatums and pressuring him to leave you. I can hear him now, saying "I cannot leave now, during the holidays. I'll wait until after the holidays." It's a common theme. I remember my husband asking me to stay until after the holidays. Therefore, prepare yourself for the distinct possibility that this will be the LAST Thanksgiving and Christmas that you spend with your husband. 

What I really wonder is whether you will come out here and reveal when he has left you. I suspect you will be afraid of the many "I told you so's" that you might hear. However, I won't say I told you so. I will provide a sympathetic ear because I think it will be quite a shock to your system when/if he leaves you for her. You will need someone to lean on and to listen to you. I truly hope you have a support system near you.

January is the month with the highest divorce rates because people do wait til after the holidays.. 

[InvestedBandAid]

On 6/20/2021 at 3:23 AM, husbandcheating said:

He does not. I have been going back and forth with the idea of bringing it up because I do feel that this woman will eventually leave. He will break things off and focus on me and our family. But like I said, he hasn't missed anything, he always with us at family affairs, and is a great family man! 

It took me SIX YEARS to leave the married man... She found out a little bit about me and my attention to him (not even close to the truth) and she demanded that he stops talking to me. The first thing he did was block me on social media so she would THINK that he stopped talking to me. The second thing he did was come to my house to try to sleep with me again. He's always at family affairs, present during vacations, and is an excellent father. Your husband will never stop cheating on you, even if she leaves. He will think about her even while "dedicating" himself back to the marriage. He's proven that... because he's NOT present on vacations, during family events, and children's activities. Why? Because he's checking in with someone else. He would send me pictures and videos of himself on vacation, during his kid's events, family get togethers, etc. Check in with me daily, and ensure that nothing is what it seems when she would post about him... and he was right. He was lying to her the entire time- so no, it's not what it seems. His life is NOT wonderful because he cheats on her and pretends with her every single day. Your husband is no different. His own family has told me how difficult it's been for him to stay married to her for the last 10 years, but he makes it look like a FLAWLESS marriage to outsiders. If you leave him, you'll look back and realize all the cracks in your marriage that you refused to see because you loved him so much. Read Lose a Cheater, Gain a Life. your husband might love you as a person, but he has lied to your face for a long time that he loves you romantically. He's ambivalent and his affair is a bandaid that helps him get all of his needs met so he doesn't feel the need to leave you. He's delaying the inevitable, being a coward, and will carry on the affair forever if he has the chance. These are the worst kinds of cheaters because they make reality seem SO good, but what you learn makes you feel like you can't trust yourself and your perception of reality because they lie so well. They're so easy to love because they do so many kind and wonderful things. 

[InvestedBandAid]

On 6/22/2021 at 2:09 PM, Lisa_Lisa said:

If you want to keep your husband and your marriage, I suggest making an effort to be sexual with him. Be romantic, fiery, sexy, and wild; occupy his time. Don't be so predictable in your role as wife and mother. This lady brings him excitement and sexual pleasure. I suggest you do the same. Make it so your husband has no time for her and no more energy left for her that she'll get tired and leave him....and she will because he won't be spending time as much time with her anymore. Be more proactive in your role as a sexual woman. He's not planning on leaving you because he's comfortable, but the other woman is getting his rocks off. Make it so it's you and only you. Now you know everything that's going on, are you going to continue sitting at your laptop or typing into your phone asking us what we think? You already know. Now go do something.

My ex MM (that I left) experienced that. She wanted more dates and more sex... He felt like he was cheating on me and spent more time in the bedroom and on dates with me. Once it's past a certain point, it's way too late. He'll get excited at first, but whatever emotional stuff came between them in the first place- old habits etc, it'll get old. On top of that... It's like high school. A guy can have sex with the girl that's all over him and still feel nothing for her, while he's still in love with another girl. Putting herself out there sexually for her husband is a temporary fix and he will see it as desperate, but go along with it anyway, like everything else in the marriage. SHE is the pursuer in their marriage. Just like with my ex MM... His wife has been IN LOVE with him since grade school. She pursued him and kissed him in front of their whole class in 3rd grade. She met him again in college and pursued him super hard. She believes she's the BEST at picking relationships and that he's the most incredible and best husband in the universe as part of her life long "OMG we're meant to be because I chased you since we were kids and you followed along" fairy tale. He's a puppy on a leash. He probably doesn't want to pop her magical fairytale bubble that he feels like he has an adult, more mature, consensual, two-way relationship with this other woman. It goes much deeper than physical affection. He grew into a different person over the years, and the blatant denial of OP (and her feeling of satisfaction with the relationship as-is) probably attributed to him feeling like he couldn't express his lack of satisfaction because she was satisfied and expected him to be too. So he harbored guilt first- that it was wrong to be dissatisfied because she was so happy. Then it turned into resentment. Her needs were all being met and his weren't. He probably waited about 4 years like mine did after first discussing being unhappy to actually start cheating. He gave it all he had, put on a happy face, and let go of his own needs (that's where the compartmentalization habit starts). Once someone else naturally met those emotional needs for connection, which turned into a physical connection, he had a contrast. He saw clearly then that there was someone in the world who he didn't have to cajole into fitting that role. Anything after that feels fake. After so many years of the same "I'll try a little harder" then going back to the same habits, he's not going to be over the moon about it. Her needs are met with less and she will be betraying herself trying to push herself to sleep with him just to keep him from cheating. It doesn't work that way. His connection to the other woman is cemented in his mind already as the woman he can softly land on, and now he's working on putting her in a place of maintaining that security of home. The biggest thing for these men is losing access to their kids on a daily basis. Sex isn't going to make that change, from either end. 

[mark clemson]

OP your analysis is interesting. I'd caveat against making generalizations (or at least against assuming the ones you make from your personal experiences always apply), as everyone is a bit different and not all MM's or BW's are the same by any means.

[]

Edited December 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[pepperbird2]

20 hours ago, InvestedBandAid said:

My ex MM (that I left) experienced that. She wanted more dates and more sex... He felt like he was cheating on me and spent more time in the bedroom and on dates with me. Once it's past a certain point, it's way too late. He'll get excited at first, but whatever emotional stuff came between them in the first place- old habits etc, it'll get old. On top of that... It's like high school. A guy can have sex with the girl that's all over him and still feel nothing for her, while he's still in love with another girl. Putting herself out there sexually for her husband is a temporary fix and he will see it as desperate, but go along with it anyway, like everything else in the marriage. SHE is the pursuer in their marriage. Just like with my ex MM... His wife has been IN LOVE with him since grade school. She pursued him and kissed him in front of their whole class in 3rd grade. She met him again in college and pursued him super hard. She believes she's the BEST at picking relationships and that he's the most incredible and best husband in the universe as part of her life long "OMG we're meant to be because I chased you since we were kids and you followed along" fairy tale. He's a puppy on a leash. He probably doesn't want to pop her magical fairytale bubble that he feels like he has an adult, more mature, consensual, two-way relationship with this other woman. It goes much deeper than physical affection. He grew into a different person over the years, and the blatant denial of OP (and her feeling of satisfaction with the relationship as-is) probably attributed to him feeling like he couldn't express his lack of satisfaction because she was satisfied and expected him to be too. So he harbored guilt first- that it was wrong to be dissatisfied because she was so happy. Then it turned into resentment. Her needs were all being met and his weren't. He probably waited about 4 years like mine did after first discussing being unhappy to actually start cheating. He gave it all he had, put on a happy face, and let go of his own needs (that's where the compartmentalization habit starts). Once someone else naturally met those emotional needs for connection, which turned into a physical connection, he had a contrast. He saw clearly then that there was someone in the world who he didn't have to cajole into fitting that role. Anything after that feels fake. After so many years of the same "I'll try a little harder" then going back to the same habits, he's not going to be over the moon about it. Her needs are met with less and she will be betraying herself trying to push herself to sleep with him just to keep him from cheating. It doesn't work that way. His connection to the other woman is cemented in his mind already as the woman he can softly land on, and now he's working on putting her in a place of maintaining that security of home. The biggest thing for these men is losing access to their kids on a daily basis. Sex isn't going to make that change, from either end. 

I mean no offense at all to when I say this, but you have no idea of any of your interpretation of his life is true. I also have to say that for someone who you feel has such a high level of introspection into why he does what he does, he's taking very litte of it on board.

I will leave you with this. When a man (or woman) says " i had to cheat because I didn't want to hurt my kids" they are either lying or they are a fool. They are engaging in the one thing that is sure to blow up in their face and make life rotten for their kids, should they be caught. Now I know there's some that feel all this as an acceptable price to ah for these poor men, stuck at home with the ol' ball and chain, but before they smugly say it;s all still okay, means to an end and all, I would ask them to try this exercise.

Picture it being your daughter as his wife. She's some to you crying, in worse pain than you've ever seen her. Now picture yourself explaining to her why what he did was acceptable or even okay- better yet, picture it being your grand kids.

I'm not sang this to pick at you-I do because I don't get the impression that you are actually okay with any of this. Either you have "situational ethics", which I don't think you do, or you;re tying yourself up in knots trying to make his okay because you care about this guy and want to see the best in him. I get it-you love him. Just don't let that love blind you to who and what he really is.
 

[InvestedBandAid]

On 12/4/2021 at 11:05 AM, pepperbird2 said:

I mean no offense at all to when I say this, but you have no idea of any of your interpretation of his life is true. I also have to say that for someone who you feel has such a high level of introspection into why he does what he does, he's taking very litte of it on board.

I will leave you with this. When a man (or woman) says " i had to cheat because I didn't want to hurt my kids" they are either lying or they are a fool. They are engaging in the one thing that is sure to blow up in their face and make life rotten for their kids, should they be caught. Now I know there's some that feel all this as an acceptable price to ah for these poor men, stuck at home with the ol' ball and chain, but before they smugly say it;s all still okay, means to an end and all, I would ask them to try this exercise.

Picture it being your daughter as his wife. She's some to you crying, in worse pain than you've ever seen her. Now picture yourself explaining to her why what he did was acceptable or even okay- better yet, picture it being your grand kids.

I'm not sang this to pick at you-I do because I don't get the impression that you are actually okay with any of this. Either you have "situational ethics", which I don't think you do, or you;re tying yourself up in knots trying to make his okay because you care about this guy and want to see the best in him. I get it-you love him. Just don't let that love blind you to who and what he really is.
 

I appreciate your input. I already left him. I do admire his great qualities, but have woken up to his negative ones. I refuse to participate any further. We do run a business together but I no longer spend time with him and have no desire to be with him as long as he wants to keep up both. He's been respectful of my wishes and I appreciate that. I don't have to imagine it being anyone else either. I've been the betrayed woman myself, and I'm in no need of a lecture as to the unacceptable nature of it. I've told him myself that cheating is the dumbest way about the situation, and have asked him to imagine it being a family member. I don't think of his wife as an old ball and chain and of myself as a new Lamborghini in comparison. In fact, i don't compare myself to her at all and don't think she deserves to be treated that way. I've also expressed that to him. How I got into this mess in the first place is a collection of things I won't get into here.

As for OP, I don't think she'll fare as well with Amanda. I'm offering the perspective of the OW in a very similar position. Even though I've left, he's been finding excuses to give me more responsibilities and a higher title at work, engaging me as the head of the new department. He's admitted in the past that he would do anything to keep me in his life. Anything except file for divorce.. at least until his child is 18. I do have particular insights into the interpretation of his life, because like OP's H has been with Amanda, he's been quite open with me regarding the bad AND the good of their marriage, his own mistakes along the way, and where he goes, what he's doing, and constantly checked in with me. OP's husband sounds eerily close to the MM I was with. He remembers to the day that he lost romantic feeling for her, and that's been verified by his own family. Like OP's H, he's introduced me to everyone but his mother, has shopped for holiday and birthday gifts for his child with me, involved me with serious family events, sent me pictures while he was with her, brought gifts I've bought for him and his child home, went car shopping, office building shopping, home shopping, had a separate social life with me, similar interests, and planned an entire life with me, all the way down to picking a therapist we'd see when he filed. 

Their respective families think they're the world's sweetest couple and gave him advice to stay married at all costs. The split self affair makes perfect sense. I'm not sure OP's H would file for divorce once the severity of his actions fell to his kids. He would, however, likely do what most long term cheats do, and panic first. Keep up the facade better than ever before, then figure out when and if he'd be able to divorce later, or see if his AP is on board longer as soon as things with the W calm down.

The MM's W is extremely similar to OP as well. Non confrontational, social media obsessed, everything is perfect and procured, no one is ever sick, unhappy, or unprincipled... not even when a loved one dies. He's the best most amazing incredible sexy husband ever. The worst confrontation is the passive aggressive post on SM or degrading him in front of friends (I've heard first hand from the friends) so they argue in a similar fashion as OP and her H. After 6 years together, the ONLY thing she ever picked up on was a little extra presence I had online. They live pretty parallel lives and she shows little to no interest into his interests, dreams, desires- so long as he's providing for her and going along with the latest family event. 

My take is that it's going to be MUCH easier for OP's H to stay married to her because they're both painfully non-confrontational. She'll forgive his transgressions so long as she gets her fairy tale, and he gets a get out of jail free card no matter what. His kids are his top responsibility and if he has to choose between the OW and his kids, he'll choose his kids if it's the easiest route. He knows he can lull OP into believing she's living in the world's grandest fairy tale by maintaining the status quo. The OW is collateral damage for his children. He's likely already mentally processed losing her because he hasn't fully committed to her. Yet, he's also not as committed to OP as she would hope. It's a shell of a marriage and OP's H is in it for himself, no matter which way he turns. His net losses are calculated risks. He's willing to lose OW for his kids, but would drop OP if the kids weren't at risk of losing stability. My ex and his family had both said that if it weren't for their child, he would have left her years ago.

I think that's what's so tough for OP to face... Like my ex's W, she's an excellent mother, runs the household well, is quite naive, no common interests outside of vacation/family/kids activities, is attentive, doting, forgiving, and lives with her head in the clouds. She's done everything a "good woman" should do in order to keep her marriage intact and she's likely terrified that it's a reflection on HER if it fails. She's spent a ton of time manicuring this perfect looking life and her husband needs to fit the fairy tale narrative. He may have sacrificed some pretty important parts of himself in order to be a prop in her story and he lives them out with OW. That's a seriously F'd up way to live on both ends bc they both participate in the deep lie that carries partial truths. 

 

[Starswillshine]

2 hours ago, InvestedBandAid said:

She's spent a ton of time manicuring this perfect looking life and her husband needs to fit the fairy tale narrative. He may have sacrificed some pretty important parts of himself in order to be a prop in her story and he lives them out with OW. That's a seriously F'd up way to live on both ends bc they both participate in the deep lie that carries partial truths. 

I'm sorry, but a big fat LOL on this. The poor MM, forever a victim in the patient, even sacrificing OW's eyes. 

Prime example of how delusional people can be in an affair. And that big, bad wife, how dare she believe she has a great marriage. How dare she not put on social media all the problems that she is not even aware about. Do some of these OW ever step back and listen to themselves????  

In the social media world, yes, it is a highlight reel. It is quite tacky to air your dirty laundry out to the world. When someone asks, "How are you?" People do not expect you to pour out all the negative things in your life. I think it is important for people to realize that everyone has issues that they deal with secretly, but to judge because someone is not tackily throwing out all the negative things in their lives? 

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I'm sorry, but a big fat LOL on this. The poor MM, forever a victim in the patient, even sacrificing OW's eyes. 

Prime example of how delusional people can be in an affair. And that big, bad wife, how dare she believe she has a great marriage. How dare she not put on social media all the problems that she is not even aware about. Do some of these OW ever step back and listen to themselves????  

In the social media world, yes, it is a highlight reel. It is quite tacky to air your dirty laundry out to the world. When someone asks, "How are you?" People do not expect you to pour out all the negative things in your life. I think it is important for people to realize that everyone has issues that they deal with secretly, but to judge because someone is not tackily throwing out all the negative things in their lives? 

it's mental gymnastics, and in my experience, the people who do this are the people who, at heart, feel cheating is wrong. They have to make it right to themselves.

People who really are okay with being an OW , again in my experience, just go about their life. they don't feel a need to defend or explain their choices.

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I'm sorry, but a big fat LOL on this. The poor MM, forever a victim in the patient, even sacrificing OW's eyes. 

Prime example of how delusional people can be in an affair. And that big, bad wife, how dare she believe she has a great marriage. How dare she not put on social media all the problems that she is not even aware about. Do some of these OW ever step back and listen to themselves????  

In the social media world, yes, it is a highlight reel. It is quite tacky to air your dirty laundry out to the world. When someone asks, "How are you?" People do not expect you to pour out all the negative things in your life. I think it is important for people to realize that everyone has issues that they deal with secretly, but to judge because someone is not tackily throwing out all the negative things in their lives? 

Agreed. Who on earth goes on public social media and dumps out heir feelings for the world to see? People look at mine and think everything is fine, even though life is chaotic.

[stillafool]

On 12/3/2021 at 12:12 PM, Allupinnit said:

It's illegal to keep a man away from his kids, unless he's an abusive deadbeat who doesn't provide for his family.

I'm a stepmom so I know what I speak of (although it was my H's ex who left for her boss).  So I don't buy the whole "she'll keep me from my kids." 

How many OW are going to continue to believe this lie that spews off MM's tongue?  She cannot keep him from seeing his kids.  The courts won't allow it.

[Pumpernickel]

7 hours ago, InvestedBandAid said:

I think that's what's so tough for OP to face...

 

7 hours ago, InvestedBandAid said:

The MM's W is extremely similar to OP as well.

I am confused – who is this directed at? Who is the OP? Is this thread a spinoff of another thread? I was already confused reading the first post here, where you address somebody directly with "you" -----> who is this? [esp. confusing bc multiple other posts are quoted from other threads as well] - thanks for clarifying

[Starswillshine]

14 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

 

I am confused – who is this directed at? Who is the OP? Is this thread a spinoff of another thread? I was already confused reading the first post here, where you address somebody directly with "you" -----> who is this? [esp. confusing bc multiple other posts are quoted from other threads as well] - thanks for clarifying

This is an off shoot from a thread in the infidelity section. Do not remember the exact title, but it is something like "my husband has been cheating for 3 years."

[Pumpernickel]

Just now, Starswillshine said:

This is an off shoot from a thread in the infidelity section. Do not remember the exact title, but it is something like "my husband has been cheating for 3 years."

Thanks. This has been noted nowhere. 

[InvestedBandAid]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

This is an off shoot from a thread in the infidelity section. Do not remember the exact title, but it is something like "my husband has been cheating for 3 years."

OMG This website is weird... I posted this as a comment in the HusbandCheating post and it made it it's own post somehow?? 

[Starswillshine]

3 minutes ago, InvestedBandAid said:

OMG This website is weird... I posted this as a comment in the HusbandCheating post and it made it it's own post somehow?? 

The mods control the content, and will move things to a new thread if the focus goes away from the original poster/post. 

[InvestedBandAid]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

it's mental gymnastics, and in my experience, the people who do this are the people who, at heart, feel cheating is wrong. They have to make it right to themselves.

People who really are okay with being an OW , again in my experience, just go about their life. they don't feel a need to defend or explain their choices.

This is by no means a judgement of her. I was referring to the post by CheatingHusband and the similarities as a cautionary tale. You guys chided her endlessly for being blind and now you're here discussing what a POS I am for making observations. My point was that they don't really fight and argue much... My ex MM's W would rather lightly passive aggressively make it known that she's upset via SM than to actively face issues. He's so good at doing his "there, there, it's nothing" and she will lull back into it easily so she doesn't have to face the reality that her marriage sucks because of him (and me!). They both put on the perfect marriage show. That's not to say she's a bad person or bad wife as @Starswillshine is insinuating. The most difficult thing I see within this conversation is that you're adding a blame component where there isn't one. Their dynamic is F'd up at best because they're both unwilling to say "HEY! I'm unhappy about X!" She's living her absolute best life and being the BEST person and wife possible, and he willingly agrees to whatever she wants instead of being the slightest bit disagreeable.... and cheats on her instead. I'm sure that because she's so agreeable and moves through life with such naivete and ease, that she'd give a wonderful listening ear to him and his needs and try to fulfill them. The issue he has is that as he grew up and changed into who he is today, he didn't invite her along for the ride, and he wasn't honest when he lost that "more than friends" feeling for his own wife. I've gotten on him multiple times about how horribly unfair he is to her by holding her back from being with someone who feels the same way for her. She's unwillingly living a lie and it took me SIX YEARS to fully face myself and stop accepting a lesser version of myself that hurts other people. 

This is by no means excusing MY behavior or doing "mental gymnastics" to say what I participated in was OK, but the website made this its own post after I commented on @husbandcheating post. She's hoping that the face he puts on for her is the real one and that once OW "goes away" if she's that lucky, that she can just keep her husband and life will resume as normal. In my experience, these guys play happy for a while, then wait for the OW to come back, get a new one, or plan their divorce in advance... all while playing "perfect husband". They're pining for the OW and not REALLY thinking about the damage they've caused their wives, other than "I owe her because I hurt her", not "I really love this woman and I will never hurt her again". Big difference, even though they look the same on the outside. 

[InvestedBandAid]

I didn't say she would KEEP the children from him. What goes on in these men's minds is PRIDE. They can't live with their children every single day, offer them a 2 parent home, and risk another man stepping in a "dad" role if they get divorced. So instead of dedicating themselves to a healthy marriage, they've already checked out, figure out how to live a lie, short or long term, and exactly how to manipulate their wives into believing what they have at home is top notch. Even if the love is gone and they truly feel like their partner is no longer sexually attractive or compatible with the future they want, they refuse to communicate this and risk divorce, so they set out to live a parallel life where they can have their dreams partially met, while maintaining the "right thing" for their kids. The amount of deception it takes to live that way is beyond me- especially the self deception that living 2 half lives isn't damaging themselves as well. I didn't know what I was getting myself into because I didn't even know he was married when we met and got together. I found out about their separation later from other people. Every time I tried to leave, he pulled out ALL THE STOPS to make it look like he'd be committing "this time". It takes a lot to untangle yourself from their web of manipulation.

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, InvestedBandAid said:

You guys chided her endlessly for being blind and now you're here discussing what a POS I am for making observations.

I haven't seen this at all in the posts.  Could you please point out the posters who have called you a POS?  If not, stop making things up.

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, InvestedBandAid said:

In my experience, these guys play happy for a while, then wait for the OW to come back, get a new one, or plan their divorce in advance... all while playing "perfect husband". They're pining for the OW and not REALLY thinking about the damage they've caused their wives, other than "I owe her because I hurt her", not "I really love this woman and I will never hurt her again". Big difference, even though they look the same on the outside. 

If they get another OW they are not pinning for their old OW, they are just pinning for additional sex.  The right thing for MM to do is to be honest with his wife that he needs more than one woman in his life, divorce the wife so she can find happiness, and then go out and date as many women as he can handle.  He isn't staying married in order to see his kids because courts will always allow a good father split custody of his kids, so what is his reason for not filing for divorce and being with OW?

[Starswillshine]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He isn't staying married in order to see his kids because courts will always allow a good father split custody of his kids, so what is his reason for not filing for divorce and being with OW

The other thing I don't get about this excuse is that most MM are spending considerable amounts of time away from the home/kids to conduct their affair, and all of a sudden NOW they can't imagine having to split their time with kids????? 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

The other thing I don't get about this excuse is that most MM are spending considerable amounts of time away from the home/kids to conduct their affair, and all of a sudden NOW they can't imagine having to split their time with kids????? 

Exactly, and if the kids are that important to him why isn't he spending the time he spends with OW with his kids?  Kids are one of the greatest excuses for cheating MM.