I am the ex affair partner of a married man.

[TamBuktu]

On 12/2/2021 at 6:51 PM, InvestedBandAid said:

I'm the ex affair partner of a married man. We were together for 6 years. I am just as confused as his wife most certainly would be if she found out. We wanted more, but I probably wanted more than he did. We planned for a life together and family pressure prevented him from divorcing. He keeps up appearances all the same. He's been struggling with wanting to leave for a decade now (verified by his family). We have a business together. He comes to me for life, work, and personal advice. He had taken a couple years to get past the financial and familial entanglements, and had an easy time imagining telling his wife that their marriage would be over. Every time he'd prep himself, he stopped at their child and couldn't pull the trigger. We had a mild, almost- D-day and he wanted to continue the affair. I ended it because he threw me under the bus and treated me poorly. You said so yourself that in the beginning, he stayed for your first child.

In my post affair grief, I sought the advice of many men similar to him, to learn his perspective. Almost every last one said that they'd beg for forgiveness if they were caught so they didn't lose access to their children, then wait until trust is rebuilt enough to resume the affair, and plan to leave when the kids are grown or old enough to handle a divorce. The ones who have done this constantly post about regretting staying later, that they pine daily in secret for their AP, feel the kids would have been okay by now after a divorce, but refuse to leave because the ex AP moved on and the feel it's too late to win her back.

I wouldn't hold onto him in your position, knowing what I know. I don't know how old your kids are, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't stop thinking of someone else or who's faking romantic love with me while counting down the days/months/years to leave or start cheating again. You don't mention anything about him attempting true reconciliation or ending the affair on his own terms. A one night stand or string of one night stands is one thing... having a second life with someone else is entirely another.

I would cut your losses. Not as an OW hoping for their success, but knowing that you'll never see him the same, sleep well, or trust him again. He pretended like everything was fine with you for years. Mine did the same. He's doing the "honorable" thing by staying married for the sake of stability for everyone, but his heart isn't in it, or he wouldn't have tried to continue the affair with me. He would have felt guilty somewhere along the way and ended things with me. He only tried ONCE in that 6 years to leave me, and slept with someone else during that time. I'm not saying this to rub anything in your face. You deserve better than someone who will string multiple people along. Men like this never decide, until someone decides for them. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

I just stopped by to say: you've been together 6 years and have a business together. That's more than what half of married couples ever have. You had a long term relationship which ended (like many long term relationships and/or marriages do), just wanted to give another perspective.

I am in a relationship with MM (affair if you want) for over 3 years. We have dinner every night together, care for each other's families, are each other's best friend etc. Do I want more? Yup, I want kids. But is that the best relationship I've ever had? 100%. My current thinking is if he eventually divorces will be amazing, if not.. It would be the best LTR in my lifetime anyway...