I saw him after six months. My heart wants him, but my head is telling me no

[kaylasummer]

I was invited by mutual friends of xMM to a holiday party at their public facility on the lake and decided last minute to go. Side note: I should have listened to those who recommended I not go. This couple met through MM and I during our EA about 4 years ago and had supported us throughout the year and a half EA/two year PA (his best friend now married to my best friend)..dysfunctional..I get it.

I left MM Memorial weekend and other than taking one phone call, haven’t spoken to him since. It was a struggle but I needed NC. It was hard to be back where we all shared so many memories including our first dance. 

I wasn’t even there 10 minutes when MM walked in and sat next to me. Within minutes, we were all talking like old times. I have a feeling this couple set us up as they’ve done this when I had left him in the past. It was actually very natural and easier than I thought it would be seeing him until he asked if I wanted to play the juke box. He had always pulled at my heart strings by playing songs while we were together; therefore, so many songs still remind me of him. While at the juke box, he chose a song about a guy who still loves a girl who doesn’t want him and surprised me with the first song we danced to, a song that would melt anyone’s heart. 
 

I was NOT expecting that, all of the emotions came flooding back, and I had to leave before dinner started. He followed me out to my car, told me he filed for divorce (I verified this online in public records when I got home), and said he missed me . This brought me right back to when I first fell for him. I couldn’t even.. My heart and stomach feel like they are in knots. I had to leave. My heart wants to go back and talk to him. My head is telling me to run. Could this work? Has anyone dated MM through a D? How do you trust if they cheated on xW?

Edited December 4, 2021 by kaylasummer
Spelling

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

How do you trust if they cheated on xW?

I wouldn’t. How do you trust that a known thief won’t steal from you - you can’t. You shouldn’t. 

This guy is way too smooth… Never forget that he has a problem with ethics, and honesty, and boundaries, and respect. Should I continue…

If you want to verify his story, you should call his wife. Get her side before you decide if this guy is the one for you - 

Quote

Could this work? 

How do you plan to deal with the doubt and insecurity when he is late getting home from work and you are home putting your children to bed? Is this how you want to live your life? You said earlier that you had never really thought about what his wife must have felt - you may just get to experience it for yourself if you stay with the man. 

26 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

I wasn’t even there 10 minutes when MM walked in and sat next to me.

It was absolutely set up. I would be furious with these so-called “friends.” 

 

Edited December 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gail1165]

Have you known him a long time? Has he ever done this before that you know of? Everyone is different so it's hard to say. I don't really go along with the once a cheater always a cheater. Just depends on what the circumstances are. 

[NYAG]

6 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

I was invited by mutual friends of xMM to a holiday party at their public facility on the lake and decided last minute to go. Side note: I should have listened to those who recommended I not go. This couple met through MM and I during our EA about 4 years ago and had supported us throughout the year and a half EA/two year PA (his best friend now married to my best friend)..dysfunctional..I get it.

I left MM Memorial weekend and other than taking one phone call, haven’t spoken to him since. It was a struggle but I needed NC. It was hard to be back where we all shared so many memories including our first dance. 

I wasn’t even there 10 minutes when MM walked in and sat next to me. Within minutes, we were all talking like old times. I have a feeling this couple set us up as they’ve done this when I had left him in the past. It was actually very natural and easier than I thought it would be seeing him until he asked if I wanted to play the juke box. He had always pulled at my heart strings by playing songs while we were together; therefore, so many songs still remind me of him. While at the juke box, he chose a song about a guy who still loves a girl who doesn’t want him and surprised me with the first song we danced to, a song that would melt anyone’s heart. 
 

I was NOT expecting that, all of the emotions came flooding back, and I had to leave before dinner started. He followed me out to my car, told me he filed for divorce (I verified this online in public records when I got home), and said he missed me . This brought me right back to when I first fell for him. I couldn’t even.. My heart and stomach feel like they are in knots. I had to leave. My heart wants to go back and talk to him. My head is telling me to run. Could this work? Has anyone dated MM through a D? How do you trust if they cheated on xW?

Always follow the logical head. The heart is a bad guide for relationships. You already know what you have to do.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

. He followed me out to my car, told me he filed for divorce.

Sorry this happened. They're still married and living together. He was feeding his ego because you're an easy target. He seems to want no strings sex again.

[Crazelnut]

He will not even be AVAILABLE, much less safe, until he's actually divorced and has grieved the end of his marriage. And even then, you will never be able to fully trust him. Do not let this setup and his BS slick moves undo all the hard work you've done. Go back to NC.

And tell your "friends" if they ever do this again, you won't trust them and won't be socializing with them. THEY really crossed a boundary here. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Gail1165 said:

I don't really go along with the once a cheater always a cheater. Just depends on what the circumstances are. 

Neither do I, but I would cautious with this man. In my experience, those who have been able to successful transition to legitimate relationship have done so quickly, and with as much honesty and respect for their spouse, children, and affair partner as possible.  

It’s been four years (one and a half in physical affair) that he’s lied to his wife everyday and he’s disrespected everyone by involving his children, friends, coworkers, and his family (by taking her to the family home). What does that say about the character of the man - 

Just the very fact that he would disrespect your wishes Kayla and show himself at this set up meeting - he has shown no respect for the boundary you set (ending the relationship and establishing no contact) and for your own well-being. This has set you back and confused you - that’s not fair to you. 

Edited December 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[anika99]

At this point I think his wife is going to be better off. She will be free of this toxic man who betrayed her in the worst way possible. I wouldn't be able to forgive my spouse for this type of an affair. A one night stand? maybe. A week long fling? Possibly. A years long affair that included my children? No way in hell! The ending of her marriage is probably going to feel like hell but I suspect in a few years she will look back at this time and think "thank God I got rid of that of guy". Maybe she's the one who filed for divorce but even if she didn't this is still going to be a blessing to her.

Divorces like this can be very nasty. They will fight over custody, money, property and who knows what else. I don't know how old his kids are but if they have become aware that daddy's friend was actually his affair partner and that they were used as pawns in the affair that hurt their mom and broke up their family they are going to hate you now. Those days of playing pretend family friend with his kids and yours are gone, now they will view you as the villain of the story. At some point they will probably need counselling to deal with the dysfunction they were forced to play a part in. If they are lucky mom will be strong and get them the help they need while they are still young. If mom falls apart and leans on them or relies on them more than they can lean on her or rely on her then they won't get professional help until they grow up and wonder why they are messed up. Why they can't trust people. Why every relationship they have becomes a toxic mess. 

If you want this man then I say go for it but it isn't going to be the fairytale you imagined. You will go into this relationship with a tainted view of each other. You watched him cheat and lie to his wife for years. He watched you disrespect yourself by being accepting the role of being a mistress and being okay with an affair for years. It's going to be a long uphill battle to turn this into a healthy relationship. 

 

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

He followed me out to my car, told me he filed for divorce (I verified this online in public records when I got home), and said he missed me

As is the common recommendation on this site, if he’s really serious he should come back to you when he has signed divorce papers in hand, when he has established a separate living arrangement, once he is settled in his relationship with his ex-wife and his children. That is going to take some time - particularly to establish a changed relationship with his ex-wife and allow his children time to adjust to the divorce of their parents. This is his time to put his family first, not himself. That will be hard for him to do, this man who has put his own needs ahead of his family for the past four years. Also evidenced by the fact that he manipulated things such that you were aware the moment he apparently filed for divorce - again, putting his own needs ahead of his family and you Kayla. It’s not fair for him to draw you back into his family drama (particularly when you did the right thing and removed yourself) As Annika said, the divorce will be high drama for months/years to come. Personally, I would require him to go to individual counselling before I would even consider a relationship with the the man. He needs to understand what he has done here and how he has allowed himself to get himself and everyone else into this mess - such that he never does this again. And if you ever were to get together as a legitimate couple, i would require couples counselling. None the less, months/years down the road when the divorce is settled - that’s when he should come back to you and IF you are still interested, he can date you and you can allow your relationship to develop the way a healthy relationship should develop. You can then decide if you are compatible partners for each other, outside of this “fantasy” you have created. It may seem like the “long game” but if you do actually find yourself with this man as your partner, but if you do it “well” and treat others with as much respect and consideration as possible - that’s your best path to success…

And yes, I agree with Annika, the wife is much better off without this man who has lied and disrespected her for years. She may not understand that now, but she will with time. There is no going back to the happy, healthy family that she thought she had… turns out, that was as much of a fantasy relationship as your affair. 

Edited December 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[kaylasummer]

Thank you everyone for the doses of reality.  He did try to call late last night and text today to be sure I made it home ok. I replied “yes, thanks” and we left it at that. 

I’m spending today with family doing some traditional holiday things when I receive a call from his W asking if I “enjoyed our evening together”. She proceeds to accuse me of being with him last night as well as over the last six months not giving her a chance to work on their marriage. It didn’t matter what I said. She despises me and has every right to, although we had been NC over the last six months. I then find out she’s Facebook messaged some friends and my family including my mom, letting them know how horrible a person I am. 

If he’s been absent emotionally over the last six months, it hasn’t been because I’ve been in the picture. I know that, but she wouldn’t hear it. This entire thing just sucks:(

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

I receive a call from his W asking if I “enjoyed our evening together”.. I then find out she’s Facebook messaged some friends and my family including my mom, letting them know how horrible a person I am. 

Delete and block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.   

You need to review and reset ALL your social media privacy settings so only people you know can see your content.

This would not have happened had you done this when things ended.

Stop hanging out with him. Stop finding opportunities to.  His wife is sending a clear message. Stay out of their marriage.  Don't be a Fatal Attraction cliché

You need to find single decent honest men to date and start putting this behind you.

Edited December 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[kaylasummer]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.   

You need to review and reset ALL your social media privacy settings so only people you know can see your content.

This would not have happened had you done this when things ended.

Stop hanging out with him. Stop finding opportunities to.  His wife is sending a clear message. Stay out of their marriage.  Don't be a Fatal Attraction cliché

You need to find single decent honest men to date and start putting this behind you.

I set everything to private today. By what his W said today, I feel like she only wanted him 6 months ago because she didn’t want someone else to have him, especially “someone his family and friends loved” (her words), so she waited until she thought I was out of the picture and they jointly filed. She saw his phone today while he was there getting things and after seeing my number/texts, now believes we’ve been seeing each other. Believe me, I’m staying away from this. Waaay too much drama for one lifetime!

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

By what his W said today, I feel like she only wanted him 6 months ago because she didn’t want someone else to have him, especially “someone his family and friends loved” (her words), so she waited until she thought I was out of the picture and they jointly filed.

Don’t fall into the other woman trap of “I am better than the wife because I’m younger/prettier/better in bed/his family liked me more, etc…” The mind can play all kinds of mental gymnastics to sooth the ego and it becomes a twisted competition between the wife and the other woman - one that is not healthy for either. 

She can believe what she wants to believe - if she jealous of you, that’s her choice. It doesn’t mean that you need to compete too. If she is jealous, I think that’s understandable in the early days after discovery. Otherwise known as “fight or flight.” To be fair to her, she can’t possibly compete with another woman who has the benefit of being new - that’s exciting, it’s fun to do things together, you are learning about each other as he learned about his wife and they experienced the “firsts” together in their relationship. You come around to share the good times and sex but never had to deal with the stress of running a home with an absent husband, raising children, family conflicts during the holidays, the boredom that is at times a long term relationship… among other things that are otherwise called “marriage” and “life.” You are new, and fun, and sexy, and his family love you because you put your best foot forward and you are a curious novelty - 

That said, it is NOT OK for her to harass you and your family. This is your warning sign to stay far, far away from this woman and her family (that includes her husband and her children). 

Edited December 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

now believes we’ve been seeing each other. 

You deliberately went to this party to run into him. She's not imagining things.

You're the interloper. She is protecting herself. Yes stop chasing him. Leave them alone.

[kaylasummer]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You deliberately went to this party to run into him. She's not imagining things.

You're the interloper. She is protecting herself. Yes stop chasing him. Leave them alone.

I was actually assured he most likely wouldn’t be there. It had been over six months and I didn’t want to see him. I realize I shouldn’t have gone even if there was a slight chance he would be there, but we live in a small community, so there’s always a chance he could be anywhere. To add to that, I have seen him from a far at a couple of events and made sure he didn’t see me prior to this. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

I was actually assured he most likely wouldn’t be there.

This was a special event for you. As such, you knew there was meaning to this invitation. And your friends had previously set you up to meet without your consent - all reasons why you felt you shouldn’t go. You laid it out in your post, but you chose to attend anyway. 

It’s quite obvious that you went expecting that there was a chance he would be there, in a place that was special to you, with your couple friends…

Wiseman is right, it matters not that you haven’t seen him in six months. Whether you chose to acknowledge it, you went because there was a good chance he would be there. Well, now you know. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[anika99]

On 12/3/2021 at 8:10 PM, kaylasummer said:

I have a feeling this couple set us up as they’ve done this when I had left him in the past. It

Why are your friends so disrespectful of you? If I was trying to put a painful relationship behind me and by best friend kept trying to trap me into scenarios where I had to see the very man I was trying to stay away from not only would I be furious, my "best friends" would become exfriends in the blink of an eye. I bet even when they aren't trying to throw you to the wolves they are taking every opportunity there is to tell you all about the MM and how he's doing and what he's doing. Your best friends know that this situation has been painful for you, know that you have repeatedly tried to end the relationship because it's not good for you and yet for some sick reason they are doing everything they can to keep trapped in this misery. I know I said this before but you seriously need to get better friends. These friends are not looking out for  you, they are not helping you. 

[BaileyB]

Quote

I haven't taken his calls and recently found out from mutual friends that he isn't doing well at all.

These friends clearly fancy themselves matchmakers, they have involved themselves and encouraged this relationship in more ways than one - 

I agree with Annika, how is this serving you if you have made the decision to end it and stay far away from their drama? Why are they disrespecting your decision?

Edited December 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[kaylasummer]

Update: his W called me again today (it showed as no caller ID) to apologize for her behavior yesterday. I told her I probably deserved it. She went on to tell me “I can see why he fell for you” followed by some really nice things and stated “I would have too”. 

She proceeded to tell me their story, how they met.. he was finishing his last year of med school out of state, she saw him at an event, asked him out, & hooked up. He graduated, moved back home (to our area here), and that was the end of it until she found out she was pregnant. His parents told him he needed to marry her to bring his child here; he wasn’t ready. She told me they grew to love each other, but doesn’t believe he was ever in love with her. She goes on to tell me I am a much better fit, but that I shouldn’t trust him because he cheated while she was pregnant early on in their marriage as well. 

It was an awkward conversation as she was almost giving her blessing, yet shared details of his affair a long time ago, telling me not to trust him.

Edited December 5, 2021 by kaylasummer
To remove TMI

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

She went on to tell me “I can see why he fell for you” followed by some really nice things and stated “I would have too”. 
 

She goes on to tell me I am a much better fit

This is just weird. How could she say this - she does not know you.

Don’t take this “approval” of your affair partner’s wife as a sign that you should be together. Whatever her intention, i would be very suspicious. And whatever she said, it does not mean than he is a good choice of partner for you. It does not mean that she will not make your life very difficult if you actually get together. They still need time to sort themselves out and heal from this trauma. He is nowhere near ready to be in another serious relationship.

It’a kind of ridiculous really, he married her because she was pregnant (which is so cliche), he had an extramarital relationship (or two), she ended it and now the moment that happens - he is turning up on your doorstep. You may see this as “fate,” that you are star crossed lovers and fate has finally allowed you to be together. When really, this is a man who has never stood on his own.  He has bounced between women, not actually making a decision, committing to the decision, honouring that decision in a way that shows character and integrity. It’s a big red flag. 

42 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

I shouldn’t trust him because he cheated while she was pregnant early on in their marriage as well. 

Ignore this sage advice at your own peril. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[kaylasummer]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is just weird. How could she say this - she does not know you.

Don’t take this “approval” of your affair partner’s wife as a sign that you should be together. Whatever her intention, this does not mean than he is a good choice of partner for you. 

Ignore this sage advice at your own peril. 

I agree it was weird. By what was said, I believe she got a lot of her info on me, my family, and friends from Facebook before I set it to private. I came from a similar family background and share common interests with MM shown in photos. She shared a lot more but I’ve already shared too much.

[kaylasummer]

8 hours ago, anika99 said:

Why are your friends so disrespectful of you? If I was trying to put a painful relationship behind me and by best friend kept trying to trap me into scenarios where I had to see the very man I was trying to stay away from not only would I be furious, my "best friends" would become exfriends in the blink of an eye. I bet even when they aren't trying to throw you to the wolves they are taking every opportunity there is to tell you all about the MM and how he's doing and what he's doing. Your best friends know that this situation has been painful for you, know that you have repeatedly tried to end the relationship because it's not good for you and yet for some sick reason they are doing everything they can to keep trapped in this misery. I know I said this before but you seriously need to get better friends. These friends are not looking out for  you, they are not helping you. 

This is MM and my best friends. True, they have seen a lot of heartache and tears, but they know the two of us better than almost anyone and truly think we are meant for each other. I think they miss all of our fun times too, which might be a bit selfish on their part as well. They have expressed frustration over the years on MMS lack of action on divorce. To give them some credit, MM did go to them after our last NC and asked what he can do to get me back. Their answer was “how about divorce?!?!”

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

they know the two of us better than almost anyone and truly think we are meant for each other.

Do they know that you are not his first extramarital relationship?

Edited December 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[kaylasummer]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Do they know that you are not his first extramarital relationship?

I know; it’s nauseating! Good question.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

I know; it’s nauseating! Good question.

I mean, I know they probably don’t because you didn’t know yourself until you spoke to his wife - assuming it’s true. 

That said, perhaps they would feel differently if they knew that he cheated on his pregnant wife?

Edited December 6, 2021 by BaileyB