His ex and kids

[Karla88]

Please no judgement here.
 

So, I’ve been with my partner for nearly 2 years. We were both married when we met and we left our marriages for eachother. I went all in… he didn’t. Fast forward to now and we have just got a house together. He’s met my daughter who is 14 and she thinks he’s great, they got on well and it just works.

The problem I have is that he also has 2 kids who I have never met. He only told his ex and kids about me about 6 weeks ago.

Before we got a house together the routine was always that he would be mainly living at my house but on a Friday and/or Saturday night he would have his kids at his flat which is in the same town as I was. His ex and kids live about an hours drive away. He would also travel on a Wednesday and a Thursday to collect them from school and take them to clubs and out for tea etc.

He promised me that when we got a place together which is now in the same town as his kids, that he would give up the flat and tell his ex he wants to introduce me to the kids and of course tell them all that we are living together now.

He split with this wife in April 2020. The day we moved in (4 days ago) he told me that he was going to have to keep the flat for a bit. He said that his ex was calling him and being hurtful, telling him that she would never let him introduce me to them (he hasn’t even mentioned anything about this or the house at this point) she basically had a bit of a meltdown and said that she was struggling to accept that the life she once knew had gone.

So he has now said he won’t tell her or his kids that he has moved round the corner from him, he won’t tell them we have got a house together and he is now keeping the flat on until after Christmas.

He said if he tells her then she will stop him seeing the kids before Christmas and he doesn’t want to ruin their Christmas.

So I’m now currently in our new home, where I thought we would be officially beginning our life nearly 2 years on and he’s an hours drive away in the flat with his kids and this is how it’s going to be until after Christmas. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I’ve met his Dad and his best friend, nobody else from his family or circle.

He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so sad about this. Am I being irrational here or is he hiding something?

Is it that he just doesn’t have the balls to be open, is he burying his head in the sand (and in turn deflecting it on me as though I’m the one who is being unreasonable) I have a 14 year old daughter who is overly excited to meet his kids. They are 15 and 11. All my friends and my mum think something is off. I just don’t know if I’ve made a huge mistake and I’m scared.

Edited December 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

All my friends and my mum think something is off, my mum thinks that perhaps they haven’t been separated as long as he states.

He is still married and keeping the same routine of camping at your place and keeps his love nest flat? Yes something is off. Trust your friends and family. 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

I just don’t know if I’ve made a huge mistake and I’m scared.

Do you co-own the house? 

Replied in your identical thread:

 

[salparadise]

If I were you I'd not make this into a huge obstacle. I can understand him not wanting to blow it up just before Christmas, which is only a few weeks away. In fact I can understand him wanting to avoid upheaval generally. I don't suspect anything (lies or conspiracy) beyond him just wanting to keep it civil (for the kids) through Christmas. It will sort itself out in due course. I'm not quite sure what you hope to gain by pushing it, or why you're so invested in getting his kids involved. Consolidation of power? Defeating the ex-wife? I think your interests would be better served by just letting him deal with it, and expressing your feelings appropriately without demanding that everything concerning his family be on your terms and schedule. IOW, be cool, don't make waves unnecessarily. Only if it starts to look like he wants to keep the secret indefinitely would I get upset and make demands.

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

He split with his wife in April 2020.

The day we moved in (4 days ago) he told me that he was going to have to keep the flat for a bit. He said that his ex was calling him and being hurtful, telling him that she would never let him introduce me to them

So they are not divorced, correct?  He's also lying that "she won't let him" meet your kids. If they are legally separated/divorced, he has a custody/visitation arrangement and  it's not her call what he does when he has his kids. 

[ShyViolet]

You never should have bought a house with a man who was keeping you a secret and who wasn't able to be fully open about the relationship.  That was a huge mistake.  It's likely he isn't telling you the whole truth about his relationship with his ex wife.  It sounds like she may have had ideas about getting back together with him.

[Karla88]

It’s more so that he keeps changing the goal posts. He said he would tell them in September,  then that changed to this month when we got the house and it’s not like he didn’t know it was Christmas, I think that perhaps he’s known all along he wasn’t going to do it yet and just telling me things last minute. I really don’t know I just know that he promises me one thing and changes it and it’s not the first time he’s put things off. It’s the lies for me as well because when his kids finally do come round, my daughter and I will have to pretend we have only just moved here, that we haven’t spent Christmas in the house, we will have to pretend we haven’t known him this long too. All because he can’t be honest and open about us. It’s just not fair to expect that of her either.

Edited December 4, 2021 by Karla88

[Karla88]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you co-own the house? 

Replied in your identical thread:

 

We are renting. We have got a 12 month tenancy. I’m currently round the corner from his wife’s house and he is an hours drive away at his flat with his kids. He does this once a week. His flat is by no means a love nest, it’s rarely got any furniture in, he never uses it just for the one or sometimes two nights a week he has the kids. We are both still married separately and we plan to get divorced in spring when the 2 year mark has passed. 

[kaylasummer]

40 minutes ago, salparadise said:

If I were you I'd not make this into a huge obstacle. I can understand him not wanting to blow it up just before Christmas, which is only a few weeks away. In fact I can understand him wanting to avoid upheaval generally. I don't suspect anything (lies or conspiracy) beyond him just wanting to keep it civil (for the kids) through Christmas. It will sort itself out in due course. I'm not quite sure what you hope to gain by pushing it, or why you're so invested in getting his kids involved. Consolidation of power? Defeating the ex-wife? I think your interests would be better served by just letting him deal with it, and expressing your feelings appropriately without demanding that everything concerning his family be on your terms and schedule. IOW, be cool, don't make waves unnecessarily. Only if it starts to look like he wants to keep the secret indefinitely would I get upset and make demands.

Well said. My thoughts as well.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

 my daughter and I will have to pretend we have only just moved here, that we haven’t spent Christmas in the house, we will have to pretend we haven’t known him this long too.

Do not ask your child to lie for this snake. Do not damage a child for the sake of a cheater. Let him face the music like an adult. He's still married. You know this. Don't make your child pay the price for his lies to his wife (Not "ex-wife") and family. 

[Karla88]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You never should have bought a house with a man who was keeping you a secret and who wasn't able to be fully open about the relationship.  That was a huge mistake.  It's likely he isn't telling you the whole truth about his relationship with his ex wife.  It sounds like she may have had ideas about getting back together with him.

This is what my mum says, she thinks that perhaps he didn’t break things off with her when he said he did and it may have been more recent. I just can’t see why a woman, nearly 2 years separated would all of a sudden begin being so hurt by it all. I guess him telling her he is with somebody else and in love may have triggered it but it still seems odd to me, I’d be thinking good riddens by now. Especially as he says that she kind of knew they weren’t right for eachother. My gut tells me something is off 

[Karla88]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not ask your child to lie for this snake. Do not damage a child for the sake of a cheater. Let him face the music like an adult. He's still married. You know this. Don't make your child pay the price for his lies to his wife (Not "ex-wife") and family. 

Yes, I am not going to ask her too. He expects we are just going to avoid the discussions etc but it’s going to come out. I faced the music with my ex and was open and honest with him, yes he hated me but he deserved the truth. It’s like he doesn’t want to lose face, he doesn’t want confrontation, but did he expect that this would be plain sailing?! I feel I am getting to a point where by the time he has sorted all his crap out, after everything he’s doing I’m just not gonna be in that place, ready to play happy families after what he has put me through to get to that point. 

[Karla88]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not ask your child to lie for this snake. Do not damage a child for the sake of a cheater. Let him face the music like an adult. He's still married. You know this. Don't make your child pay the price for his lies to his wife (Not "ex-wife") and family. 

Yes, I am not going to ask her too. He expects we are just going to avoid the discussions etc but it’s going to come out. I faced the music with my ex and was open and honest with him, yes he hated me but he deserved the truth. It’s like he doesn’t want to lose face, he doesn’t want confrontation, but did he expect that this would be plain sailing?! I feel I am getting to a point where by the time he has sorted all his crap out, after everything he’s doing I’m just not gonna be in that place, ready to play happy families after what he has put me through to get to that point. He spends 

[Karla88]

48 minutes ago, salparadise said:

If I were you I'd not make this into a huge obstacle. I can understand him not wanting to blow it up just before Christmas, which is only a few weeks away. In fact I can understand him wanting to avoid upheaval generally. I don't suspect anything (lies or conspiracy) beyond him just wanting to keep it civil (for the kids) through Christmas. It will sort itself out in due course. I'm not quite sure what you hope to gain by pushing it, or why you're so invested in getting his kids involved. Consolidation of power? Defeating the ex-wife? I think your interests would be better served by just letting him deal with it, and expressing your feelings appropriately without demanding that everything concerning his family be on your terms and schedule. IOW, be cool, don't make waves unnecessarily. Only if it starts to look like he wants to keep the secret indefinitely would I get upset and make demands.

I feel that I’m not far off feeling he wants to keep this secret indefinitely, he has moved the dates back several times. I feel that he doesn’t realise what he is doing to our relationship. By the time (if it ever comes) he is ready I feel I am just not gonna be in that same place anymore. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Karla88 said:

He said if he tells her then she will stop him seeing the kids before Christmas and he doesn’t want to ruin their Christmas

This is the problem right here.  Why isn't custody and visitation set up for the kids?  Wasn't this part of their divorce?  She can't keep him from seeing his kids.  It sounds like he is keeping one foot in the door and one foot out.  I wouldn't be surprised if he goes back to her and the kids.

Edited December 4, 2021 by stillafool

[BaileyB]

I can’t imagine buying a home with a man when I have never met his children.

I dated my partner for three years before we moved in together and built a home together. That said, he asked his son if he was ok with the decision and we involved his son in some of the decision making about the new home. 

This seems a little disrespectful to just spring this on the children, does it not? You are obviously concerned, but I think you are more concerned with what this means for you. How fair is this to the children? 

It seems to me that you’ve got the cart in front of the horse here… 

Edited December 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Why isn't custody and visitation set up for the kids?  Wasn't this part of their divorce?  She can't keep him from seeing his kids.

Also my thought. She can make life miserable for everyone - him and the kids - but she can’t deny him access if they have settled a custody agreement. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Karla88 said:

I feel I am getting to a point where by the time he has sorted all his crap out, after everything he’s doing I’m just not gonna be in that place, ready to play happy families after what he has put me through to get to that point.

There are good reasons why relationships that begin as affairs fail at a spectacularly high rate.

Again, my own partner had settled his divorce when we met (we did not have an affair) but he (and his son and ex wife) were all still adjusting to the new normal. We dated briefly and he decided he needed more time to get his life sorted before beginning another serious relationship. I was disappointed, but I respected that. A year and a half later, he contacted me again. He says now that we would not be together today if he hadn’t taken that time to get his life in order -

I’m sorry that you are sitting in a beautiful new home alone contemplating the possible end of your relationship… but, you would be wise to put some distance between yourselves and require him to sort his life out before moving further…

Edited December 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, salparadise said:

I can understand him not wanting to blow it up just before Christmas, which is only a few weeks away.

I don’t disagree, but if he was truly concerned about the children he would never have taken possession of a home with a woman they had never met just a few weeks before Christmas…

You could wait until after Christmas OP - watch and wait - but come the new year, it’s time to have a hard discussion with this man… 

Edited December 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[anika99]

Did you purchase this house together or are you renting? Is he splitting the cost with you or are you paying for the place? 

[spiderowl]

I can understand him not wanting to rush his kids into spending time with you.  If his wife objects, she could make life very difficult for him until there is some custody arrangement in place.  Having said that, although he would be able to bring the kids to your new home together once there is a custody arrangement, I do not understand why you expect it.  They are not your kids and they have had no choice in this matter, neither has his wife.  It is Christmas.  Christmas is normally spent with family not with relative strangers.

I think you need to appreciate how difficult this must be for his wife and for his children.  Not only are they losing their dad to another woman and the family is breaking up, but now you are expecting them to be a happy family with you and your child.  He is the one who had an affair, not his family.  He is the one who can agree to share a house with  you, but his family deserve some respect too.  They may all be unwilling participants in this.

I can see that you want him to be there and for his children to join you as a new, big, happy family.  If he isn't there for you, as promised, then yes you should take him to task over it and question his commitment.  If he is not bringing his children along, that is another matter.  They are not pawns to be moved around at anybody's will.  It is a shame for your child if she has been promised some interesting new friends but this happy new family is your rosy view of things, it is not necessarily his children's point of view.

Is he lying to you about all this?  I don't know.  Do you even know for sure if he has told his wife he has a mistress?  Is he paying for your house too or are you paying for the moment until he moves in?  If the latter, then yes I can understand your concern about his commitment.

I suspect he is just coasting along at the moment trying to keep his wife and kids relatively ok, taking things slowly and carefully with them.  It could be he is waiting for his wife's anger and upset to subside over a period of time.  He knows there will be fireworks if he takes the children to spend time with you.  The split and divorce becomes even more horribly real for his wife when that happens.  It also becomes real for the children.  They may not be ready for such a move.

Edited December 5, 2021 by spiderowl

[Karla88]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t disagree, but if he was truly concerned about the children he would never have taken possession of a home with a woman they had never met just a few weeks before Christmas…

You could wait until after Christmas OP - watch and wait - but come the new year, it’s time to have a hard discussion with this man… 

They all know about me and my daughter existing (according to him) he also says if it was up to him he would of done it as he believes his kids are ready, just to reiterate it has been nearly 2 years since they separated. He says his daughter who is 11 will love my daughter and says she needs somebody like my daughter in her life. He says the delay now is because his ex has now turned a bit nasty. She sent him a text the other day and told him to move abroad and leave them all to it. How can a mother tell her kids father to go away and never see her kids again, imagine the damage if they knew she had said that. She hasn’t ever worked even though he wanted her to, he paid for everything and he also took on 2 of her own kids from a previous relationship and they call him Dad. They are now in their 20s. She is 12 years older than him and him and I are the same age. He left her, not the kids, he sees them 5 days a week and he works take them full time if he could. 

[Karla88]

5 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I can understand him not wanting to rush his kids into spending time with you.  If his wife objects, she could make life very difficult for him until there is some custody arrangement in place.  Having said that, although he would be able to bring the kids to your new home together once there is a custody arrangement, I do not understand why you expect it.  They are not your kids and they have had no choice in this matter, neither has his wife.  It is Christmas.  Christmas is normally spent with family not with relative strangers.

I think you need to appreciate how difficult this must be for his wife and for his children.  Not only are they losing their dad to another woman and the family is breaking up, but now you are expecting them to be a happy family with you and your child.  He is the one who had an affair, not his family.  He is the one who can agree to share a house with  you, but his family deserve some respect too.  They may all be unwilling participants in this.

I can see that you want him to be there and for his children to join you as a new, big, happy family.  If he isn't there for you, as promised, then yes you should take him to task over it and question his commitment.  If he is not bringing his children along, that is another matter.  They are not pawns to be moved around at anybody's will.  It is a shame for your child if she has been promised some interesting new friends but this happy new family is your rosy view of things, it is not necessarily his children's point of view.

Is he lying to you about all this?  I don't know.  Do you even know for sure if he has told his wife he has a mistress?  Is he paying for your house too or are you paying for the moment until he moves in?  If the latter, then yes I can understand your concern about his commitment.

I suspect he is just coasting along at the moment trying to keep his wife and kids relatively ok, taking things slowly and carefully with them.  It could be he is waiting for his wife's anger and upset to subside over a period of time.  He knows there will be fireworks if he takes the children to spend time with you.  The split and divorce becomes even more horribly real for his wife when that happens.  It also becomes real for the children.  They may not be ready for such a move.

He believes they are ready, he thinks that if he does it while she is being like this, she will turn the kids against him and/or have a meltdown and the kids then have to see that at Christmas time. I don’t want him to bring the kids here kicking and screaming, I just want him to be honest with them about where he is living, he hasn’t told anybody, none of his family or friends that we have moved round the corner from them. 

[Wiseman2]

So you are both still legally married and now rented a house together near his wife? It's unclear why you tolerate being a secret.

Nothing has changed. You're both still married. You're still a secret from all his people and he still tells you lies upon lies about how bad his wife is blah blah blah...and blames her for his choices.

Yes. You made a horrible mistake signing a one year lease with this man. Trust your friends and family. Stop subjecting your child to this chaos.

[Karla88]

I have met his Dad and he says that everybody knows about me and my daughter but only in the last few months has he said anything. I told him that he should tell the kids long before today but he tells me it’s his decision when to do it and in the politest way possible it’s basically none of my business. It’s frustrating because my ex has known for over a year about him. He’s over it, we’ve all moved on, he’s happy with somebody else now and we plan to divorce at the 2 year mark which is imminent. I just want to get to that point where there are basically no more skeletons in the closet. I do understand him not wanting to ‘ruin their Christmas’ but he said this is when he was going to tell them we’ve moved in together and now he’s changed his mind. It’s the flakiness of everything, his reasons, his indecision, his lack of a backbone. I’m questioning his character more than his motive. I mean, how can you live such a lie. I told him last night that after Christmas has passed he tells everybody we are living together he said he definitely will.