His ex and kids

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

 how can you live such a lie. I told him last night that after Christmas has passed he tells everybody we are living together he said he definitely will.  

He's lived a lie for years. It's unclear why you tolerate still being his dirty little secret and him telling you his life is "none of your business".

You can stomp your feet but you're correct. He completely lacks integrity.

Sadly you think renting together is a step forward when in fact it's just a lateral move and change of address.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Karla88 said:

It’s the flakiness of everything, his reasons, his indecision, his lack of a backbone. I’m questioning his character more than his motive. I mean, how can you live such a lie.

He has lied to his wife and children about your relationship for years. What makes you think that he won’t lie to you and your daughter? 

Karla, the same things that lead him to have an affair are now affecting your relationship - selfish decision making, lack of honesty/transparency/respect, a conflict avoidant nature, lack of personal integrity and accountability. None of these are dealbreakers when he is your affair partner, but they not the best qualities in a life partner.  

You are expecting honesty, respect, and integrity from a man who you know to be dishonest, disrespectful, and lacking integrity. 

My apology, I assumed that you had purchased the home together. That is a huge commitment to make without telling his children. I’m sorry if I misunderstood.

[anika99]

Okay I actually have mixed feelings about this. If the kids are hurting over the separation and not having their father at home anymore then it's really going to hurt them to see their dad living with another woman and it's especially going to hurt to see their dad living fulltime with another child while they only see their dad for visits. I don't condone lying so I do think your MM should be honest with his children but I do not think his kids should be forced to have their visits with you. I actually think keeping his other place as a place he can see his kids and give them his undivided attention away from you and your child is a very good idea. It's good for your daughter too. Even if she has never expressed any unhappiness about finding herself living with mom's new man so quickly I'm sure it's having an affect on her. Kids aren't good at articulating their feelings but this current set up gives her a chance to have her mom all to herself. Why are you so determined to have everyone pretend to be one big happy family so soon? Stop trying to run the show and just let everyone take their time to heal. I agree that you shouldn't put up with the lying but I don't think you should be forcing anything else. Let your MM give his weekends to his children without your interference. They are his kids, and this is his divorce and you should stay out of it. 

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, anika99 said:

I do not think his kids should be forced to have their visits with you. I actually think keeping his other place as a place he can see his kids and give them his undivided attention away from you and your child is a very good idea. It's good for your daughter too.

Why are you so determined to have everyone pretend to be one big happy family so soon? Stop trying to run the show and just let everyone take their time to heal.

Agree completely. 

The kids need time to adjust to the divorce of their parents and to get to know their father’s new partner - this takes years, not weeks. 

This is going to be an absolute disaster if you rush things and push this new relationship on these children. If you want them to respect you and accept your new relationship, you need to respect them.

That means, allowing time for relationships to develop before moving the kids into the same home and expecting everyone to be a happy family - that won’t happen with teenagers. Your daughter is in a different place, she has had more time to process this and as an only child, she is perhaps interested to meet these new “siblings.” It’s highly unlikely that his children will feel the same for several reasons. And that said, your daughter may have met the man and she may even like him - it’s an entirely different thing to move the man into her home and live with him… trust me.

I understand your desire to bring this together, but if you push this it will fail spectacularly. These teenagers are not stupid - they are going to wonder why Dad is moving in with a woman he has not known for long and they will start to fill in the gaps - he is very naive if he thinks they are not going to put this together… The process of blending these families will take years, not weeks or months. No need to rush. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[jspice]

You’re not entitled to this moral indignation. 
you’re not entitled to YOUR way for Christmas arrangements. Whether you have moved on is irrelevant to his children’s future. They get to have all the time they need to get used to their new lives and you have absolutely no say over how and when that happens. 

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Karla88 said:

We are both still married separately and we plan to get divorced in spring when the 2 year mark has passed. 

I don't see why you can't wait until the 2 year mark has passed and you're divorced this spring for the kids to meet and know you.  It is going to be hard on them knowing that another woman is basically taking their Mom's place in their lives.  This is a very hurtful situation for little kids to absorb and has to be handled delicately by him.  Why can't you just wait until spring for the divorces to take place and everything is legal.  Also does he have a legal separation in place that includes visitation rights with his kids?  We've asked you this before but I don't see an answer.

[Milly May June]

Blending families is no easy walk in the park. I find it very disrespectful to his wife and kids that you got a place close to their home, their safe place. I mean, to have that rubbed in their face daily will be painful for then and chances are his kids will lose respect for hin. Their dad who not only cheated on their mom but secretly got a place with his AP just around the corner of their safe home to play happy blended family... And not only that, he will spring it on them like 'hey guys, so I met a wonderful woman and we just moved in a house together just across the street. Great yeah? And guess what she has a daughter. You guys will get along super great'.

Too many people in his life and yours know about how 'soon' you started dating. The truth has a way of coming out and my guess is he is scared his wife will find out and the kids will know how all this went down and how manipulative he has been/is being and that he has lied for at least 2 years. 

Also my guess is that he, not wanting to look like the 'bad guy', strung his poor wife along and pretended to work on his 'issues' so the marriage could be reconciled in the future. Of course he did not tell you that. He is a lier after all, no?

Edited December 5, 2021 by Milly May June
Add

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

pretended to work on his 'issues' so the marriage could be reconciled in the future. Of course he did not tell you that. He is a lier after all, no?

Me thinks he is still doing this.  OP don't get your hopes up that this guy will leave them and come with you and your daughter.  His actions are not pointing in that direction.

[IrinaM]

i'm pretty sure you're still just his mistress, and he's not getting divorced. His excuses are not unique (kids, holidays, wife will fly into a rage and take kids, blah blah). Something is very off indeed, and you are convincing yourself that your are in a relationship. Are you?

I'm curious--who pays the rent on your home? What name(s) are on the lease?

[Milly May June]

I do think he has a foot out of the door but the reality od the situation is catching up to him. How does he explain that he moved in with another woman across the street when his kids have not even met her. And chances are high someone will give small clues that will lead to his kids and the wife seing the bigger picture and looking into info. 

Cheaters who secretly plan an exit are real cowards not wanting to take responsibility for their actions and deal with the consequences. Now that he has 'saved face' by lying and sneaking around on his family he has too much too lose if things come out. So what does he do? Becomes a coward again but this time it's the AP that is on the recieving end. 

Why on earth OP did you agree to move into a house across the street from his family? I mean, don't you find that very unsensitive and just wrong on so many levals? Because this is how it will all go down. If you come out as a couple the wife will move away. Would you feel ok watching a man you love live across the street playing happy family with another woman? 

[Karla88]

3 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

I do think he has a foot out of the door but the reality od the situation is catching up to him. How does he explain that he moved in with another woman across the street when his kids have not even met her. And chances are high someone will give small clues that will lead to his kids and the wife seing the bigger picture and looking into info. 

Cheaters who secretly plan an exit are real cowards not wanting to take responsibility for their actions and deal with the consequences. Now that he has 'saved face' by lying and sneaking around on his family he has too much too lose if things come out. So what does he do? Becomes a coward again but this time it's the AP that is on the recieving end. 

Why on earth OP did you agree to move into a house across the street from his family? I mean, don't you find that very unsensitive and just wrong on so many levals? Because this is how it will all go down. If you come out as a couple the wife will move away. Would you feel ok watching a man you love live across the street playing happy family with another woman? 

It’s not across the street, it’s just in the same town about 10 minute drive. I do think he is a coward. Because I had some form of drama when I told my husband, which is completely expected, he thinks that he can avoid that but he’s actually made the deceit and lies far worse than I ever did, I dealt with it there and then and he still hasn’t really dealt with it, it’s like he thought he could just sneak off and then pretend he met somebody whilst they were already separated. It’s all going to come out soon enough. I think he’s such a fool if he thinks he can come out of this unscathed. I have now accepted that he wants to wait until after Christmas, I’ve told him that if he hadn’t come clean about us living together by January as he has said then we’re of course going to have some serious problems. The reason we got the house is because he said he would tell them the moment we moved in, we moved in and then he said he didn’t want to ruin their Christmas and was not expecting her to react the way she did. She had a radiator leak in their daughters room and that is apparently what set her off. He said she does have these type of over reactions to things sometimes.m and he doesn’t want her to be unsettled and then unsettle the kids Christmas. So I guess I’ve got a month now until I know what’s going on with our life. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

, we moved in and then he said he didn’t want to ruin their Christmas and was not expecting her to react the way she did. 

He's still acting like her husband because he still is her husband.

You have even less leverage now because you are stuck in a lease. Now he can do whatever he wants and you have no recourse.

Is his name on the lease? Can you move out? He still treats this like a dirty little secret. It's not about being a cowardly or afraid. It's about being a snake 🐍.

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

He was not expecting her to react the way she did.

They never do - married men are often surprised by the reaction of their wife to the news that they are having an affair/leaving. It’s usually because their communication skills are so poor and it often causes the MM to reconsider. 

25 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

He said she does have these type of over reactions to things sometimes.

Well, she’s not going to calmly accept the fact that her husband is moving in with his affair partner - if that’s what he is expecting. She has a right to be upset and even over react - what he’s done to her is a terrible thing. 

Quote

and he doesn’t want her to be unsettled and then unsettle the kids Christmas.

in other words, her feelings are more important than yours…

But really, this should read he is more important than you. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy with his family right before Christmas - so, he puts the news of his decision off for another day. He needs more time to figure out how to get himself out of this mess with the least amount of damage - assuming he intends to actually leave. 

Edited December 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

in other words, her feelings are more important than yours…

But really, this should read he is more important than you. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy with his family right before Christmas - so, he puts the news of his decision off for another day. He needs more time to figure out how to get himself out of this mess with the least amount of damage - assuming he intends to actually leave. 

If I may add, rightly so. He should be concerned about upending the lives of his children and the woman he vowed to love and honour above all others. He obviously doesn’t want to tell them right before Christmas. The problem here is that he has apparently “moved forward” with you when he wasn’t available to do so - so now, he’s got some damage control to do and the person that hurts is you. 

Had he done this in proper order - divorce, tell the kids about you and given them time to get to know you before moving in together - none of you would be in this predicament. And, the possibility of transitioning to a successful relationship would be much higher.

Can you afford this new home without his financial support? Best solution would be for him to keep the status quo (living separately) and actually end his marriage/get his kids settled into a new normal (at his flat) before moving in with you. 

Edited December 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The problem here is that he has apparently “moved forward” with you when he wasn’t available to do so - so now, he’s got some damage control to do and the person that hurts is you. 

A better phrase would be - he moved forward without dealing with his responsibilities - and now, he is finding it difficult to move forward because of that. He’s finding it a difficult place to be - stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

[stillafool]

On 12/5/2021 at 6:14 AM, Karla88 said:

I’m questioning his character more than his motive. I mean, how can you live such a lie. I told him last night that after Christmas has passed he tells everybody we are living together he said he definitely will.  

My goodness you both were cheating on your spouses before you got together.  Now you're questioning his character?  You guys aren't even divorced from your spouses yet and you want him to drop this information on his kids to make you feel better while hurting them.  I'm wondering about your character as well.

[stillafool]

This is so typical.  The MW is quick to leave her marriage to be with a MM while he drags his feet not wanting to leave his marriage until finally he just goes back to his wife leaving MW out in the cold and alone.

Edited December 6, 2021 by stillafool

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, anika99 said:

Why are you so determined to have everyone pretend to be one big happy family so soon?

For the obvious reason - to let MM's wife know that they are a couple.  That is the goal here.

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, stillafool said:

For the obvious reason - to let MM's wife know that they are a couple.  That is the goal here.

Personally, I think it’s more complicated than that. I think the same selfish decision making that leads to the affair also leads people to want what they want after separation/divorce - 

The problem being, the same lack of consideration for others that existed during the affair tends to make things difficult when the news is out and children and spouses are expected to just accept the changed circumstance and get on with it. People tend to need a little more time to deal with the feelings, adjust and accept the changed circumstances. Nobody likes to have a major change imposed on them - and that includes a new relationship that is forced on them. Affair partners have had the benefit of time, they are controlling the decision making, and they are usually the people to benefit the most. A child of divorce who now has to deal with conflict between parents, move between homes, accept a new step parent/siblings, and have their parents divided attention does not generally benefit here.  

For the OW particularly, in some ways bringing things together tends to legitimize the relationship. Also consider, at this point she has generally been waiting to “claim” her man for a long time - she is usually pretty eager to start the next chapter of this fairytale…
 

Edited December 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Karla88]

38 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Personally, I think it’s more complicated than that. I think the same selfish decision making that leads to the affair also leads people to want what they want after separation/divorce - 

The problem being, the same lack of consideration for others that existed during the affair tends to make things difficult when the news is out and children and spouses are expected to just accept the changed circumstance and get on with it. People tend to need a little more time to deal with the feelings, adjust and accept the changed circumstances. Nobody likes to have a major change imposed on them - and that includes a new relationship that is forced on them. Affair partners have had the benefit of time, they are controlling the decision making, and they are usually the people to benefit the most. A child of divorce who now has to deal with conflict between parents, move between homes, accept a new step parent/siblings, and have their parents divided attention does not generally benefit here.  

For the OW particularly, in some ways bringing things together tends to legitimize the relationship. Also consider, at this point she has generally been waiting to “claim” her man for a long time - she is usually pretty eager to start the next chapter of this fairytale…
 

I feel I need to clarify a few things here. We both left our partners and only then did we pursue a relationship together. My husband found out and of course assumed I had been having an affair and going behind his back and even now to this day, he probably doesn’t believe that anything happened until we separated. He also told his wife that he was leaving however she never found out about me. He got a flat in April 2020 when he moved out of their family home and the routine of him being with me and my daughter (not straight away) began. He was at my home 5 nights a week and he had his kids every weekend at his flat so his kids have already adjusted to this. It’s been nearly 2 years since this routine began. He didn’t tell anybody that he had a girlfriend and of course he had the luxury of never being in a position where he had to say anything. Earlier this year we planned to move to his town in time for Christmas. He said that by then his kids would know about me and I would of met them and of course we would all then try and adjust to this new norm. In September he told her that he had met somebody, that we had been together a while and that he was in love. He took it well and he told her he would like to introduce her to the kids soon. She didn’t seem to have any issues with this at that time. They were both very aware that they were not suited as man and wife and were more friends than that. They’ve had an amicable split (presumably because he so far as managed to get away with the real details) also in September he told his kids he had a girlfriend too. They asked about me and he said they seemed quite positive and intrigued about my daughter etc. Nothing further was said on this. We went through with the house and we said we would hand out notices in on his flat and my house. His kids are sick of driving up and down the motorway all the time and the news of the house even with me and my daughter in it would be positive news for them and they would love the fact that Dad is back close to then again. Again, his kids are 15 and 11, they are not small kids. Now, because she is feeling a bit low, and has been slagging him off ( she has also been slagging his family off and been caught out doing so, so in laws partners etc have fallen out with her) he says that she will stir things with the kids, guilt trip them if they appeared happy to come and stay over at dads new house and he said he doesn’t want this to happen at Christmas. He thinks this is a sad time of year as I know it can be, families etc and he doesn’t think that she will react so badly once this Christmas period is over. He also said if she does then he will deal with it without the added pressure of Christmas or ruining it for them. So therefore he has kept the flat on for one additional month in order to do this. I hope I have explained this properly. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Be very careful when a man tells you another woman has said something negative about you. Chances are, he is also telling HER negative things about YOU, and making you seem hostile as well.

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

He thinks this is a sad time of year as I know it can be, families etc and he doesn’t think that she will react so badly once this Christmas period is over. He also said if she does then he will deal with it without the added pressure of Christmas or ruining it for them. 

Married men revolve their lives around their wives and kids, not their mistresses. That's exactly what he is still doing.

[BaileyB]

On 12/4/2021 at 12:40 PM, Karla88 said:

We were both married when we met and we left our marriages for each other.

I’m sorry Karla if I assumed incorrectly that you had been in an affair when you hadn’t. It was kind of implied given the above statement and the fact that you posted in the OM/OW forum. It seems odd that you would leave your marriages for each other if nothing had happened between you. 

Quote

We both left ourpartners and only then did we pursue a relationship together.

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Karla88]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry Karla if I assumed incorrectly that you had been in an affair when you hadn’t. It seems odd that you would leave your marriages for each other if nothing had happened between you. 

 

We liked eachother and had spoke about it. We had been work colleagues for a few years so we knew eachother well before then.  

[Karla88]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Married men revolve their lives around their wives and kids, not their mistresses. That's exactly what he is still doing.

If I said this to him I know exactly what he would say:

” if I was revolving my life around them then why would I be here with you and not there with them, keeping them happy etc”

 

what do you think your response would be to this? Because if I have even said something similar in the past that is what he would come back with and I wouldn’t know then what to say. He says if he wanted to be there then he would be.