His ex and kids

[Milly May June]

I agree he avoids conflicts on the regular and want's to please everyone. That is why he is dragging the separation from his wife, blaming her emotional state, telling you lies to keep you roped in incl. that his kids won't mind spending time in your joint house. Please remember that maybe he is lying to you the most. Why? Because you literally hold all the power in destroying his life and uncovering at least 2 years of deciet. He is so conflict avoidant that he is digging a trench for himself. His actions to please you has lead you to make decisions (such as renting a house) that risk to destroy everything you worked so hard to acomplish. 

Let me also ask you something. Your DD is 11. She will remeber this. Let say he introduces the kids to you (by the way I am not sure the kids or the wife know about you at all). Don't you think it will look wiered to your DD that you will be removing pictures from the walls, not talking about memories etc. If she is to form a relationship with his kids, how will she navigate all the secrets?

The real question is, how long are you prepared to wait? Let say, after the holidays he does not deliver on his promise, what will you do? 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

Your DD is 11. She will remeber this. Let say he introduces the kids to you (by the way I am not sure the kids or the wife know about you at all). Don't you think it will look wiered to your DD that you will be removing pictures from the walls, not talking about memories etc.

What exactly are you teaching your daughter about relationship? Will she think that she should lie and sacrifice herself to be with a man? Or, should she learn that it’s important to be honest with people, to set healthy boundaries in relationships, and to never put a man above your own self respect or your children. 

[Karla88]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

He wants you to focus on her to keep the wrath away from himself. He's the culprit, not her. He's driving all this but would rather throw his wife and kids under the bus so you're mad at them rather than the rightful culprit in all this.

You have zero leverage since you (for whatever reason?) rented a place with him. You can stomp your feet you can be mad at her but so what?  He'll just play victim and move the goal posts.

He has shown me messages but this is what leads me to believe my mums thoughts on perhaps he didn’t leave her when he said he did, perhaps he has not been as forth coming about his plans in terms of repairing their marriage. The thing is, I know hand on heart that if he had to pick between us, solely based on our relationship and no other factors he would always pick me, but there are so many other factors here. I also believe that if he could pick between a nice happy blended family with me and going back to them he wouldn’t, but He is, as others have said conflict avoidant, I know that now based on what people have said on here. He thinks he can please everybody and he really can’t. He doesn’t want anybody to perceive Him as the bad guy but guess what, you can’t make decisions that affect people and not be the bad guy! I’m curious to how it all turns out. 

[Karla88]

27 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

I agree he avoids conflicts on the regular and want's to please everyone. That is why he is dragging the separation from his wife, blaming her emotional state, telling you lies to keep you roped in incl. that his kids won't mind spending time in your joint house. Please remember that maybe he is lying to you the most. Why? Because you literally hold all the power in destroying his life and uncovering at least 2 years of deciet. He is so conflict avoidant that he is digging a trench for himself. His actions to please you has lead you to make decisions (such as renting a house) that risk to destroy everything you worked so hard to acomplish. 

Let me also ask you something. Your DD is 11. She will remeber this. Let say he introduces the kids to you (by the way I am not sure the kids or the wife know about you at all). Don't you think it will look wiered to your DD that you will be removing pictures from the walls, not talking about memories etc. If she is to form a relationship with his kids, how will she navigate all the secrets?

The real question is, how long are you prepared to wait? Let say, after the holidays he does not deliver on his promise, what will you do? 

My daughter is 14 and she is an extremely grown up 14 Year old. She is quite aware of the situation to a certain degree and she has understood for some time that his kids need time to adjust before meeting us but 2 years is quite a long time. I have seen messages from his ex so I have seen her emotional state but I do struggle to understand how she could be like this so far into the separation, that’s why I worry he didn’t end it when he said he did. 

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

I have seen messages from his ex so I have seen her emotional state but I do struggle to understand how she could be like this so far into the separation, that’s why I worry he didn’t end it when he said he did. 

You're right and trust your gut.  She would not be acting that way at all at the stage.

[Karla88]

22 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

He has shown me messages but this is what leads me to believe my mums thoughts on perhaps he didn’t leave her when he said he did, perhaps he has not been as forth coming about his plans in terms of repairing their marriage. The thing is, I know hand on heart that if he had to pick between us, solely based on our relationship and no other factors he would always pick me, but there are so many other factors here. I also believe that if he could pick between a nice happy blended family with me and going back to them he wouldn’t, but He is, as others have said conflict avoidant, I know that now based on what people have said on here. He thinks he can please everybody and he really can’t. He doesn’t want anybody to perceive Him as the bad guy but guess what, you can’t make decisions that affect people and not be the bad guy! I’m curious to how it all turns out. 

Sorry I meant he would pick a blended family with me not that he wouldn’t. 

[Karla88]

Just now, stillafool said:

You're right and trust your gut.  She would not be acting that way at all at the stage.

He says she has a meltdown once a year - he says it probably has nothing to do with him telling her about me 

[Alvi]

Perhaps give it 6 more month and wait and see what is going to happen. But walk away if he doesn't at least starts any divorce procedures. Don't make any demands, they are not going to be helpful much.

24 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

The thing is, I know hand on heart that if he had to pick between us, solely based on our relationship and no other factors he would always pick me, but there are so many other factors here. I also believe that if he could pick between a nice happy blended family with me and going back to them he wouldn’t, but He is, as others have said conflict avoidant, I know that now based on what people have said on here. He thinks he can please everybody and he really can’t.

How can you be so sure that he is going to pick you and not his wife? 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

He says she has a meltdown once a year - he says it probably has nothing to do with him telling her about me 

Of course he would say that.  I bet if you had a conversation with her you would be surprised.

[Karla88]

13 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Perhaps give it 6 more month and wait and see what is going to happen. But walk away if he doesn't at least starts any divorce procedures. Don't make any demands, they are not going to be helpful much.

How can you be so sure that he is going to pick you and not his wife? 

There are many reasons really, she is 12 or 13 years older than him, they disagree on a lot of social aspects and he doesn’t really like her personality. She was 29 when he met her and he was 16, he took on 2 of her kids and he worked all throughout whilst she stayed at home and even on hard times, she wouldn’t go and get a job. He had a bad upbringing and his mother wasn’t great, I think perhaps he seen that in her at that time but since he met me he has seen a bit more of life and what love really is. Again, this is all what he has told me. 

[Karla88]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Of course he would say that.  I bet if you had a conversation with her you would be surprised.

Probably, I do wonder what an enlightening conversation they would be 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

She was 29 when he met her and he was 16, he took on 2 of her kids and he worked all throughout whilst she stayed at home and even on hard times

So he's a saint and victim and she's the evil lazy old wife? And you believe all this? They're not his kids? Where is their father?

[Karla88]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So he's a saint and victim and she's the evil lazy old wife? And you believe all this? They're not his kids? Where is their father?

No, she has 4 kids, 2 of them his 2 aren’t 

[stillafool]

Where is your daughter's father and how does he feel about his daughter living with this OM?

[Allupinnit]

A "nice" blended family?!  Do you have any idea how hard blending families is?  How hard being a stepparent is?!  

Careful what you wish for.  Personally if I were you I'd be content keeping things the way they are.  Let him parent on his own time, in his own place, and y'all enjoy your peace and quiet.  Why do you want to involve the ex wife and kids into your life?  Sounds like you've got it pretty good now as-is.

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

There are many reasons really, she is 12 or 13 years older than him, they disagree on a lot of social aspects and he doesn’t really like her personality. She was 29 when he met her and he was 16, he took on 2 of her kids and he worked all throughout whilst she stayed at home and even on hard times, she wouldn’t go and get a job. He had a bad upbringing and his mother wasn’t great, I think perhaps he seen that in her at that time but since he met me he has seen a bit more of life and what love really is. Again, this is all what he has told me. 

Well, this is a big red flag. He clearly has issues from his childhood and he chose this woman for a reason. 

Be careful that you don’t fall into the typical other woman trap of - “since he met me, he now knows what love really is…”

He has some issues he has to address here - childhood trauma, poor decision making, poor communication skill/conflict avoidant tendencies… Be very careful about this man. As you have discovered, love does not conquer all - life is complex, people and relationships are complex. Has he ever seen a counsellor address some of his own issues? If it was me, I would require that he sees an individual counsellor and I would also require him to attend couples counselling before you make this official (ie. he moves in, his kids move in and you become a blended family). 

As for your daughter, this may sound judgmental but it’s not meant that way - she may be a mature 14 year old but she is still 14 years old. A child should not have to deal with adult  issues. Be very careful here - she is watching your every decision and forming what will be the basis of her future relationships from these observations. Teach her wisely. 

Edited December 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[LynneVicious]

^^^ very well said Bailey. Sometimes, you can get so engrossed into a situation, as you are now, that you lose sight of basics. I remember when my daughter was 14 and thinking the same thing, but now years looking back, she was only 14 and some stuff she experienced seemed okay at the time, but now that she’s older and more mature, she can handle more adult issues appropriately. 

Your daughter will definitely learn from you how to handle situations. No pressure for her and her happiness and stability should take precedent over everything else. 

I think it’s valid that you have concerns, but there is no easy way through this situation. Some people will be need to be handled with kid gloves, like his wife. 

[stillafool]

33 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

As for your daughter, this may sound judgmental but it’s not meant that way - she may be a mature 14 year old but she is still 14 years old. A child should not have to deal with adult  issues. Be very careful here - she is watching your every decision and forming what will be the basis of her future relationships from these observations. Teach her wisely. 

This is why I've asked OP what is the child's father's opinion of his daughter moving into this situation.   OP, is your daughter your ex husband's child?

[Starswillshine]

Odd how I never hear SAHM OWs bashing a working wife for not staying home and raising her children. Seems only the working women who want to bash a woman for staying home and raising children....... 

I mean how dare she be at home and be available for her children and husband. Of course you will be so much better since you have worked outside the home. 

Forgive me while I gag...

But to the other part of your posts... I get and understand why you just want to get to an regular, out-in-the-open relationship. But why is there such a rush to be moved in together and blended of the families? I know this started as an affair thus it started backwards to begun with, but from here forward, you should have followed a normal path. The kids meet you. Spend time with you. Spend time with your daughter. But still get to go home with their dad and have him alone for a moment until eventually you move in together. "Oh, this is dad's girlfriend AND she lives with me." Doesn't work very well. My ex-husband did this with his current girlfriend, and we can just say the kids are NOT happy and are NOT dealing well with it. And this is not an OW. This isn't even the first woman they met since our divorce years ago (been at least 10). 

But what is done is done. And I, too, would be upset if he is worrying more about his ex's feelings over my own, even considering the way this all started out. Dating a man who is still going through a divorce has many obstacles, and this is one of many. Which is why many want to wait to start dating until all those things are settled. It is hard. On everyone. 

[IrinaM]

is there a reason you have not filed for divorce? you're physically separated from your husband and living with your boyfriend, right? Why are you waiting to file your divorce at the same time as your boyfriend? What does your divorce have to do with his?

 

[Karla88]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

Where is your daughter's father and how does he feel about his daughter living with this OM?

We are 2 years down the line he is fine with it, he has a new partner of over a year too. 

[Karla88]

8 hours ago, IrinaM said:

is there a reason you have not filed for divorce? you're physically separated from your husband and living with your boyfriend, right? Why are you waiting to file your divorce at the same time as your boyfriend? What does your divorce have to do with his?

 

Because in the uk the 2 year mark means an amicable split without undue reasons. Such as erratic behaviour, adultery. And it’s a harder process. If you have been separated 2 years it is a lot smoother 

[Karla88]

11 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Odd how I never hear SAHM OWs bashing a working wife for not staying home and raising her children. Seems only the working women who want to bash a woman for staying home and raising children....... 

I mean how dare she be at home and be available for her children and husband. Of course you will be so much better since you have worked outside the home. 

Forgive me while I gag...

But to the other part of your posts... I get and understand why you just want to get to an regular, out-in-the-open relationship. But why is there such a rush to be moved in together and blended of the families? I know this started as an affair thus it started backwards to begun with, but from here forward, you should have followed a normal path. The kids meet you. Spend time with you. Spend time with your daughter. But still get to go home with their dad and have him alone for a moment until eventually you move in together. "Oh, this is dad's girlfriend AND she lives with me." Doesn't work very well. My ex-husband did this with his current girlfriend, and we can just say the kids are NOT happy and are NOT dealing well with it. And this is not an OW. This isn't even the first woman they met since our divorce years ago (been at least 10). 

But what is done is done. And I, too, would be upset if he is worrying more about his ex's feelings over my own, even considering the way this all started out. Dating a man who is still going through a divorce has many obstacles, and this is one of many. Which is why many want to wait to start dating until all those things are settled. It is hard. On everyone. 

I have said to him that he should of introduced me before moving in with me but he says that basically, he is in a position to judge what is best for the kids and he doesn’t see it as an issue. All I can think is that it’s his funeral if all this goes wrong and his kids grow to hate him. The latest thing she has said today is that there is a Absolutely no way she is allowing her kids around me. So I don’t really know where we go from here. She has told him to leave the country and never come back recently too. 
 

He may not be perfect, nobody is, but he loves his kids and he sees them 5 days a week. He takes them to all their clubs, has them over the weekend whilst still holding down his work and balancing life with me. He used to drive 3 evenings  a week over an hour each way to see them and spend time with them, he still provides for them, for her as well, he’s told her she can keep the house all of it and that’s their only asset. He left her not them, he would have them with him 24/7 if he could. How she can tell her kids dad to move away and never see her kids again just shows that this is all about her and not the kids to me. I’m not saying the kids are going to be ecstatic to see me but they could adapt a hell of a lot easier without their mum guilt tripping them, 2 years on from separation. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Karla88 said:

 she has said today is that there is a Absolutely no way she is allowing her kids around me. So I don’t really know where we go from here. She has told him to leave the country and never come back recently too. 

It's unclear why you believe these lies. If he's the father and they have a visitation arrangement it's not her call.

Does he need a visa? What's this nonsense about "leaving the country"?

[Karla88]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear why you believe these lies. If he's the father and they have a visitation arrangement it's not her call.

Does he need a visa? What's this nonsense about "leaving the country"?

There are no official visitation arrangements currently but he sees them Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, after school until 8pm but has them overnight either the Friday or Saturday at his flat. When he sees them, he takes them to their clubs and out for food, sits in Starbucks for ages, all because he can’t traipse them up and down the motorway on a school night and of course, he can’t bring them to his new home yet. But he takes them to his flat for the weekend overnight stay.  

His job is consultancy and he can take contracts all over the world so she is telling him to take one abroad so she doesn’t have to keep seeing him, saying to do them all a favour and f*** off basically it was she has said. I have seen these messages. 

 

Edited December 9, 2021 by Karla88