Author Karla88 Posted December 9, 2021 Author Share Posted December 9, 2021 28 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: I'm not saying any of her behaviors are right, but... her husband dumped her, and she doesn't know about the affair. So she has not gotten used to this idea of you together (you have been together for some time and have had lots of time to process that)... he has not been forthright and probably have teetered back and forth with all that. On top of this, she has been a SAHM and no doubtedly freaking out about how to support herself and the kids (my chest was in constant constriction mode while I went through my divorce because of this... not knowing whether it was just a panic attack or a heart attack brought on by the stress). I said many unkind things. I lost my mind... and I was the on who asked for the separation and the divorce. Try to put yourself in her shoes with some empathy and compassion. It *may* help you feel little better about the situation. When they first separated I felt for her, the first Christmas, I felt for her. I am just done feeling for her anymore, it’s like my feelings haven’t mattered for 2 years and whilst I get that I deserve and expect a level of that, I’m just done putting her feeling a first. She has, according to him, had a depressive episode last Christmas and a depressive episode last month, I just find it bizarre that she would still be having these outbursts at him now and I feel that she can’t just decide to have these and him go running to her or putting her feelings ahead of mine everytime she does. Since they split he has continued to pay all the bills, give her money for the children and pay her a ‘wage’ from his business, she has not got worries about money. She has a wealthy family whereas he is the only member of his to have some money although not a lot, he gives her everything he can. He doesn’t even seem to bring up the possibility of giving her such a substantial amount or stopping paying the bills. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 24 minutes ago, Karla88 said: She is being awkward. Taking them places she usually wouldn’t, telling him that he has to have them back in an hour because they’ve got ‘plans’ saying she’s going to her mums with them for tea, or just taking them with her to the shops when she knew he was coming to take them out etc. They’re quite subtle at the moment but she is certainly becoming awkward. Still he's getting to see and spend time with his kids which is more than your daughter's father is doing with her. He cannot make his children want to spend time with you the same way you cannot make your daughter see her Dad. Why aren't you as upset about the way your daughter is being treated by her father? What is going on with your partner, his wife and kids is not your concern nor does it affect your ability to move forward with him. Again, you only know one side of the story. Also why are you reading her messages from this morning? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karla88 Posted December 9, 2021 Author Share Posted December 9, 2021 36 minutes ago, stillafool said: I agree and you seem far more interested in MM seeing his kids than your child's father seeing and having a relationship with her. He's the one you should be angry with for letting his OW keep him from his child. Oh it’s not his girlfriend, it’s him. He was like that from the day we separated, they didn’t meet for 6 months. I’m not angry at him because it is his loss, he is missing out on a beautiful, respectful, funny, clever ray of sunshine ☀️ - not me. I guess there is a level of anger at her in someway because there is a part of me that thinks ‘she doesn’t know how lucky she is to have a father want to be there for his kids’ she could of married mine who although I initiated the separation, he left my daughter fatherless and me with a mountain of debt. My partner has left her with a dad to her kids who wants to be with them at every waking moment, a house that’s paid for and financial security for the foreseeable future. and I know that may sound bitter but I assure you I’m not jealous of these things, I just wish she could see that she could be a lot worse off. He could of left her with nothing as a lot of men do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karla88 Posted December 9, 2021 Author Share Posted December 9, 2021 5 minutes ago, stillafool said: Still he's getting to see and spend time with his kids which is more than your daughter's father is doing with her. He cannot make his children want to spend time with you the same way you cannot make your daughter see her Dad. Why aren't you as upset about the way your daughter is being treated by her father? What is going on with your partner, his wife and kids is not your concern nor does it affect your ability to move forward with him. Again, you only know one side of the story. Also why are you reading her messages from this morning? Because my daughter has made her mind up and it’s based on his lack of effort, not the separation, not his new girlfriend, it’s the fact he never wants to see her basically. My partner is not doing that with his kids. I am not reading the messages, whilst sometimes he shows me them (and not because I’ve asked), he hadn’t shown me these he has just told me what she has said. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 20 minutes ago, Karla88 said: Since they split he has continued to pay all the bills, give her money for the children and pay her a ‘wage’ from his business, she has not got worries about money. If they are legally married he can not simply stop without a legal separation/divorce, unless you are in a country where abandonment is ok? Don't poison your child against her father. It will bite you in the back. You seem to sort of put your bad marriage and this bad relationship in a blender and come out with a very sad painful mix. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Karla88 said: Since they split he has continued to pay all the bills, give her money for the children and pay her a ‘wage’ from his business, she has not got worries about money. How does this man afford to pay for his own flat, pay half your mortgage and bills, and all her bills/child support/salary… 34 minutes ago, Karla88 said: When they first separated I felt for her, the first Christmas, I felt for her. I am just done feeling for her anymore Very kindly, you chose this for yourself. She did not. And, if she does have mental health issues, all the more reason for him to give it more time and for you to steer a wide berth from this situation. Neither of you did that, and now you are frustrated and surprised that she’s still having a difficult time - I feel for you Karla, I do. I just feel like you woefully underestimated how easy it would be to ditch your marriages and get together with this man. His situation is obviously different than yours. He didn’t understand/represent that to you well and you failed to head the warning signs and believed it when he said everything will be fine… Edited December 9, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 31 minutes ago, Karla88 said: I guess there is a level of anger at her in someway because there is a part of me that thinks ‘she doesn’t know how lucky she is to have a father want to be there for his kids’ she could of married mine who although I initiated the separation, he left my daughter fatherless and me with a mountain of debt. My partner has left her with a dad to her kids who wants to be with them at every waking moment, a house that’s paid for and financial security for the foreseeable future. What makes you think she isn't happy that she had her kids by a man who actually wanted them and provides for them. I'm sure that's one of the reasons she married him. You yourself said she let's him see them so I'm not getting where you get this idea that she's not letting him see his kids. If he wanted to be with his kids every waking moment he wouldn't have spent time away from them having an affair with you. What he's provided is to be expected of a father. No pat on the back for that. I'm sure she has been a model mother too and her kids adore her. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 34 minutes ago, Karla88 said: Because my daughter has made her mind up and it’s based on his lack of effort, not the separation, not his new girlfriend, it’s the fact he never wants to see her basically. My partner is not doing that with his kids. Well I hope you are as understanding when MM's children make up their minds they do not see the point of having a relationship with you. If they want to see their Dad I'm sure he as well as them know how to make that happen and it doesn't have to be in your presence. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 Back to his desire to obscure the length of your relationship, is he the kind of person who would understand and accept if you or your daughter “slip up”, or would he be angry? Would he use it as an excuse to end your relationship? I would be worried, because I am not the kind of person who could keep this secret, and I would never ask or expect a child to obscure things for the sake of an adult’s hangups. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Milly May June Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 I don't know how anyone else defines a good parent but to me this guy lacks some serious morals. Yes he provides financially for his kids. And yes he spends time with them. But at the same time he is risking their well being and mental health by lying to them every day, plotting ways to get them to live with you two, hurting their mother (the only stable parent they seem to have at the moment) only so he can SAVE FACE. What strikes me as very odd is that you agreed to move to a new town and rent a place not even meeting his kids. I mean, what if his kids don't like you? What if you don't get along with his kids? What if your DD does not like his kids or his kids don't get along with your DD? You literally agreed to jump from a fire to a hot pan. And this transition of living, how is that to even occur? He is to one day just say 'hey I now live 10 min drive from you with my new girlfriend and her kid, wanna come stay over?'. How did you two envision all this going down on a more practical leval? I do think he will take the step and officially move in with you. But he will tell more lies and dig deeper holes until then. And once it's all out in the light he will loose big time and my guess is he will blame you. The question is, why is he and all the drama worth it for you? Imagine, in let say 40 years your DD is married to a man like him. Would the way this man treats your DD be acceptable to you? What if your DD was in your shoes. Whay would you wish for her? Please remember that your DD is learning by your example. What is acceptable for you will most likely be acceptable for her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 7 minutes ago, Milly May June said: What strikes me as very odd is that you agreed to move to a new town and rent a place not even meeting his kids. I mean, what if his kids don't like you? What if you don't get along with his kids? What if your DD does not like his kids or his kids don't get along with your DD? Very good point. My husband’s cousin married a lovely woman in a non-affair situation (both had long been divorced). Their kids didn’t get along which was a major, major issue. I don’t know if there were other major issues, but it didn’t even last a year: they got divorced 8 months later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karla88 Posted December 10, 2021 Author Share Posted December 10, 2021 9 hours ago, Milly May June said: I don't know how anyone else defines a good parent but to me this guy lacks some serious morals. Yes he provides financially for his kids. And yes he spends time with them. But at the same time he is risking their well being and mental health by lying to them every day, plotting ways to get them to live with you two, hurting their mother (the only stable parent they seem to have at the moment) only so he can SAVE FACE. What strikes me as very odd is that you agreed to move to a new town and rent a place not even meeting his kids. I mean, what if his kids don't like you? What if you don't get along with his kids? What if your DD does not like his kids or his kids don't get along with your DD? You literally agreed to jump from a fire to a hot pan. And this transition of living, how is that to even occur? He is to one day just say 'hey I now live 10 min drive from you with my new girlfriend and her kid, wanna come stay over?'. How did you two envision all this going down on a more practical leval? I do think he will take the step and officially move in with you. But he will tell more lies and dig deeper holes until then. And once it's all out in the light he will loose big time and my guess is he will blame you. The question is, why is he and all the drama worth it for you? Imagine, in let say 40 years your DD is married to a man like him. Would the way this man treats your DD be acceptable to you? What if your DD was in your shoes. Whay would you wish for her? Please remember that your DD is learning by your example. What is acceptable for you will most likely be acceptable for her. My daughter doesn’t know the full story of course. She just thinks his kids aren’t ready to meet me yet and that’s it. She doesn’t see the way he is treating me or them thankfully. I really don’t know how he’s going to come clean about it all. We had planned to move in together shortly after he told them and shortly after I had met them so only two of them three steps have been taken. Before we moved in together, I felt we had finally got to a place where everything was out in the open, no more continuing lies etc, now we live together the deceit has come back into play. Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 is his wife his employee in some manner? he has her on payroll? Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 17 hours ago, Karla88 said: I just find it bizarre that she would still be having these outbursts at him now and I feel that she can’t just decide to have these and him go running to her or putting her feelings ahead of mine I don’t find it too bizarre, TBH. She didn’t want this. He unexpectedly presented her with a totally new life situation, and she’s having a tough time adjusting. That’s not surprising. You’re married. Everything seems fine. Then one day your spouse wants to split (and you’re the only one not clued in as to why this is happening)? Heck yeah - that’ll make you feel confused, and sad, and desperate. Developing feelings of depression in such a situation, where your world is turned upside down, is to be expected almost. Not unusual at all. And trust me - he feels guilty, and stressed out as well. He caused all of this and he knows it. I see a tough road ahead of you as far as your relationship is concerned, especially if you don’t develop some sense of “indifference”. Also: You have no influence there. He’ll handle his marriage and the separation process as he sees fit. Based on her needs & moods, in order to make a very difficult situation bearable. The more you complain, the more he’ll stress. And I’m not saying you’re wrong for being frustrated. You have every right to be. However, you went into this knowing who he was, and aware that he had/has a family. You must’ve known that this can’t be easy for him/them. I would be more skeptical of a man who would just turn around, walk away from his W, and move in with me straight away without batting an eyelash, and start a new life. That would be a cruel man whom I wouldn’t welcome into my life. Think about it! And once he reveals his new relationship & living situation - if he decides to do so -, expect some extra monkey wrenches and drama. Because this will yet be another new circumstance that she’ll have to adjust to, and then her kids will be affected, too, which means more worries and more stress and possibly more depression for a good while. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 2 hours ago, Karla88 said: now we live together the deceit has come back into play. Renting a place together may be a good trial run and test for you. The sad part is dragging your child through all this for some lying full-of-himself clown. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 OP, is it possible the BS has suspicions that he had affairs while they were still together, although he hasn’t told her about you? Being gaslighted is enough to drive anyone to depression. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said: You’re married. Everything seems fine. Then one day your spouse wants to split (and you’re the only one not clued in as to why this is happening This poor women is probably shouldering all the burden on herself. Trying to figure out the things she did wrong to end this marriage. All because he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. Instead of taking ownership of the reason he is leaving, he is shifting blame onto her..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Starswillshine said: This poor women is probably shouldering all the burden on herself. Trying to figure out the things she did wrong to end this marriage. All because he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. Instead of taking ownership of the reason he is leaving, he is shifting blame onto her..... Yeah and for all OP knows it could be the other way around. He may be doing everything he can to try to get back with his wife. She maybe stalling because she doesn't trust him anymore and depending on her decision to take him back or not will determine the future of OP and this MM. Perhaps she has told him she'll make her decision come the 1st of the year. Seen that happen before. Edited December 10, 2021 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
karlaphoto Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 Trust your gut and follow the signs. Woman intuition is real. Most of the time we know what is right and what is wrong and we want to make excuses for our behavior and others too. Link to post Share on other sites
karlaphoto Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 And I hate to be the bearer of bad news but a lot of times men will not initiate a divorce. He might not go through with the divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karla88 Posted December 10, 2021 Author Share Posted December 10, 2021 3 hours ago, Starswillshine said: This poor women is probably shouldering all the burden on herself. Trying to figure out the things she did wrong to end this marriage. All because he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. Instead of taking ownership of the reason he is leaving, he is shifting blame onto her..... I agree entirely. And it’s only recently I’ve started to see that point of view of her wondering why he just decided it was over. I’m sure he told her something like he just wanted to be single and it wasn’t what he wanted anymore, he hasn’t given her a reason she can process and overcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karla88 Posted December 10, 2021 Author Share Posted December 10, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Yeah and for all OP knows it could be the other way around. He may be doing everything he can to try to get back with his wife. She maybe stalling because she doesn't trust him anymore and depending on her decision to take him back or not will determine the future of OP and this MM. Perhaps she has told him she'll make her decision come the 1st of the year. Seen that happen before. I do doubt this. He could of easily put off the house move until the new year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karla88 Posted December 10, 2021 Author Share Posted December 10, 2021 11 minutes ago, karlaphoto said: Trust your gut and follow the signs. Woman intuition is real. Most of the time we know what is right and what is wrong and we want to make excuses for our behavior and others too. My gut is that he’s with me. It’s his lack of guts that I am questioning and whether he appears to be asking too much of me at this stage and also whether he will try and do this a million times over and delay everything further, keep the deceit in place, that is why I came to this forum. I believe and trust in my gut that he’s with me. It’s just everything else I’m uneasy about. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted December 10, 2021 Share Posted December 10, 2021 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Karla88 said: My gut is that he’s with me. It’s his lack of guts that I am questioning and whether he appears to be asking too much of me at this stage and also whether he will try and do this a million times over and delay everything further, keep the deceit in place, that is why I came to this forum. I believe and trust in my gut that he’s with me. It’s just everything else I’m uneasy about. I mean, even if infidelity hadn’t been involved at all, you might still be going through upheaval in terms of a difficult ex and uprooted kids. Question, when he asked you about removing pictures and hiding the length of the relationship, did you push back that you preferred to be honest? Or did you go along to keep the peace? If you didn’t disagree, he will be the one complaining you broke the agreement. Edited December 10, 2021 by RebeccaR Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karla88 Posted December 10, 2021 Author Share Posted December 10, 2021 2 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: I mean, even if infidelity hadn’t been involved at all, you might still be going through upheaval in terms of a difficult ex and uprooted kids. Question, when he asked you about removing pictures and hiding the length of the relationship, did you push back that you preferred to be honest? Or did you go along to keep the peace? If you didn’t disagree, he will be the one complaining you broke the agreement. The pictures is something I feel he would want me to do but It hasn’t been discussed, I assume he will want me to though as even in the last 2 years we have changed a bit, you can see they’re older pics. He has said that we should just refrain from talking about certain subjects just at the beginning, like the first lockdown of covid or Christmas last year etc. It’s a bit vague really so I guess I won’t be saying anything at all Link to post Share on other sites
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