His ex and kids

[IrinaM]

karla I know you can't see this, but it's clear from your post that this man enjoys triangulating you with his wife. that's not some sort of accident or communication problem, it's a fundamental part of his personality and how he relates to other people. he will never be fully yours, just like he isn't fully hers.

[Milly May June]

I must admit that getting together with a 16 year old is a bit offputting. But the truth could be that he lied about his age or he is putting a few years to her age. No matter what these two decided to be in a relationship and get married. For whatever reason he needed her in his life and vice versa. Even if he was unhappy his conflict avoidant style preventrd him from speaking up. And he said that she was not a bad wife. So despite all her 'faults' you listed, he did not have a problem with her being her. He must have jumped some serious hoops to marry her and start a family with her. It was worth it for him then so I can't see that she trapped him in any way.

Now I do take offence when we as a society feel that a man who is with a older woman 'wastes his life'. Why don't we say the same about younger women with older men? In the end age is a number and does not corelate to the true maturity of a person. 

You should not blame his wife for his appaling behaviour. She is reacting as expected. He is the one getting tangled up in all the lies and secrecy.

[Karla88]

On 12/10/2021 at 3:26 PM, RebeccaR said:

It’s a bit presumptuous saying she never had any trauma before. No? She was a single mom, either divorced or widowed, I’m sure there was some suffering involved. And one could say she took on a third child in her 16 year old boyfriend - how exactly did a 16 year old support the family either emotionally or financially until he got older? I’m sure she helped him at least as much as he helped her. You seem to dislike the wife, despite the fact she hasn’t harmed you at all. This man has you both fighting over him. As a woman, I find this unappealing. Never fight over a man. He’s just a man! 

I meant serious trauma, he was a grown up 16 year old I’m told (and also believe) he got a job and supported them all. I am not fighting over him at all. A lot of what I say is not necessarily my point of view, it’s just the situation and information he has told me, with that being said that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe him. I had a good chat with my mum last night who came to visit me at my new house, I tend to keep certain details from her because I know what she will say or how she will react but I just let it all out last night. She sees that this is hurting me and therefore doesn’t want it to continue like this but she said she does see that his reasons for putting this off until after Christmas are valid. My plan from here is to continue as we are, be as happy as I can be and then see what January brings. If he hasn’t able to be honest at this point and goes back on his word then I’m going to have to put him at arms length somehow in this house and start planning how my daughter and I are going to move out. I have nowhere to go, most if not all of the furniture is mine as we were waiting to add his stuff from the flat. I’m not going to make a big deal out of this or force him to do it because him not being honest tells me more about him that him actually doing it. 

 

On 12/10/2021 at 4:00 PM, SouthernIslander said:

 

The first mistake is thinking a man who behaves like this actually has a backbone in the first place. 

 

If they didn't like her, why did they allow their son to move in with her instead of pressing charges?

 

 

16 in this country and at that time was not an age in which you could do such a thing. I also assume he told them he loved her and they reluctantly tried to to support him 

 

On 12/11/2021 at 12:41 AM, elaine567 said:

OK so why are you willing to get involved with a man whose family is perceived as "trashy" by others.
Why would you want to expose your kids to this level of dysfunction?
Wake up.
Aim higher.

They’re not, they’re just working class as am I. She is quite snobby (so I’m told) and look down on them.  

 

I think I many have said something I shouldn’t because I now have to have my comments reviewed by a moderator. Not sure what so I’ll refrain from specifics moving forward. 

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, Karla88 said:

Perhaps my partner is more concerned with how her family might perceive him, as they have always looked down on him, and he’s always felt he had something to prove, perhaps they will say things like “we knew he would do this” “we expected him to be just like the rest of them” “that’s a trashy family for you” or things along those lines.

OK so why are you willing to get involved with a man whose family is perceived as "trashy" by others.
Why would you want to expose your kids to this level of dysfunction?
Wake up.
Aim higher.

[Wiseman2]

Well since you rented a place together, you're in full steam ahead mode. However you're still a secret and he's still married.

You claim if he doesn't do this that and the other by such and such date there will be problems. However what exactly can you do about it if you are stuck in a lease with him?

Is this all your past affair anxiety talking and that you have invested more or what exactly are you hoping bringing his kids around will accomplish?

[Milly May June]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Is this all your past affair anxiety talking and that you have invested more or what exactly are you hoping bringing his kids around will accomplish?

I think she does not want to be kept a secret anymore. My guess is she won't care if the kids come around the house or not as long as they all know incl. the wife that OP and BF are moving on as a couple. If the families can blend it would be a plus.

[anika99]

The problem with posting on an infidelity or OW board is that people will focus solely on the MM and his cheating actions regardless of any other aspects. I am guilty of doing that too but in this case I really see so many other issues besides the affair and the cheating. It is very disturbing that his wife had a sexual romantic relationship with a 16yr old when she was almost 30yr and not only that she also depended on him to provide her financial support and to play a father to her children when he himself was barely out of childhood. That relationship was never going to last and I honestly don't have much sympathy for his wife considering that she trapped him into an adult relationship as a teen, but I do feel very bad for all the kids involved. 

I really think your MM needs some extensive counselling. The biggest red flag here isn't that he cheated it's the dynamics of his relationships. He went straight from his unhealthy relationship with his mother into the arms of a older adult woman. His wife was no doubt very controlling and I suspect his mother was as well. Now he has gone straight from his wife into the arms of another woman who is also making her own demands of him an expecting him to play father to her child. The healthiest thing this guy could do for himself is spend a few years living on his own while getting himself therapy. He needs to divorce his wife, move out of your house and keep his own place. There he could focus on being a good dad to his kids, focus on his counseling and on enjoying his life just being alone and figuring out what he likes, what his goals are, etc. He could still see you and date you on a casual basis but he has a ways to go before he will be fully emotionally healthy. He would probably be resistant to this idea initially because he is needy and dependent on women which is why he's is always jumping through hoops trying to please them and get their approval. He doesn't even know who he is without a woman telling him what to do, needing him and validating him. He has a lot of growing to do before he can honestly know who or what he wants.