Should I Break-Uo

[yeah]

Trigger Warning: There is infidelity involved, please try your best to give unbiased advice.

My boyfriend of 6 years was married with a child when we first started taking. We felt there was definitely something there, and he did the right thing since we was unhappy in his marriage and ended up moving out and getting legally separated after a few months of sneaking around.

Fast forward to now, he’s overall a good guy and treats me well, we live together and share a few pets. His child is now a preteen and comes over twice a week and cherishes the pets. I have a strong love for him, in a way that can only be described as like the love you would have for a family member. He has had a few bad health scares where he was hospitalized for weeks at a time in the very beginning of our relationship and that also brought us together faster.

At the very beginning the sex was great, we also have quite a bit in common as far as both being somewhat shy and introverted and having a similar sense of humor. I’m in my late thirties now and he is mid forties. He was with the same woman since high school and I’ve had a steady stream of long term relationships that never resulted in a marriage or kids.

In the beginning I had every intention of staying with him forever and that he was my ideal mate. However 2-3 years in the sexual chemistry just died for me. I chalked it up to just being out of the “honeymoon” phase and since we got along well overall and I wasn’t attracted to anyone else, we stayed together.

We are now finding ourselves bickering more about little things, mostly stemming from me dreading being sexually intimate and cringing even when he touches me in an affectionate way. I feel dread even just kissing him but I still love and care for him dearly. This has been going on for at least a couple of years.

Now I am suddenly finding myself attracted to a male friend. We ended up having a several month long I guess what you would call an “emotional affair” (he is single) and then we finally both confessed our mutual attraction and spend the night together. I’m not banking on this necessarily being the end all be all, but I’m wondering if it means it’s time for me to end my relationship. To make matter worse I’m supposed to go away on a trip with him and his family (sibling and his mom) in a few months that I am absolutely dreading. He is a lot more emotionally expensive than me and breaks down when we try to have a serious talk (initiated by him) and I start to steer things away from how to “fix us” and focus more on distancing myself. I know this isn’t fair to him, but to add more to my guilt he is also somewhat financially dependent on me. He has a lot of bills including Child Support and I make quite a bit more than he does. This doesn’t bother me that much, wealth has never been a make or break for me in a relationship but my guilt is because he lives with me rent free now and I feel bad “breaking up” over sexual dissatisfaction and leaving him with no place to go. I also feel bad about him and his kid losing the pets as well since I paid for them all so they would most likely stay with me.

Please help me decide what to do that will be the best choice for us both. I don’t want to say that I’m breaking up with him for the other person bc I feel like that’s more of an affect than a cause of the issue at hand which is my extreme lack of sexual chemistry and urge for intimacy with him. Am I stupid for ending it if he treats me well and we don’t have any major issues outside of the sex part? 

Edited December 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, yeah said:

 he lives with me rent free now and I feel bad “breaking up” over sexual dissatisfaction and leaving him with no place to go.

Is he on disability or unemployed? You're not a homeless shelter. He has friends family and there are social services available.

It's unclear why you are living a lie. It's unclear why you want him in your house. Reflect on this. You seem to pity him and have no respect for him.

Until you are honest that it's not working out, you are holding him and yourself up from happiness.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, it is time to end this relationship. 

You aren't into him anymore and you can't maintain a relationship when you dread intimacy with your own partner.  He will have to find a way to manage himself financially, and while I get that you feel guilty withdrawing that sort of support, it really is not your responsibility. He's a grown man who made choices that led to this, too. 

Do the right thing and end it, respectully but firmly. It hasn't worked for a while, it seems, so there is no point dragging it out any further. 

 

[stillafool]

Yes break up with him.  Real love is not dependent on people never having medical issues or the sex drying up as a result.  Hopefully you are never put in a position where your partner no longer desires you sexually or you can no longer provide sex and your partner leaves you because of it.