I need perpective.

[Tommy0777]

I know this girl for 6 years on and off. She has a kid when I met her and an abusive husband. But we flirted when we met each other and click right away. I left Cali to visit her in Washington. When we reconnected I asked her what happen to her husband and she said she got divorced after 5 years of marriage. She also had another relationship for 2 years. she had just got off that relationship for 3-4months when we reconnected and I had just gotten off 6months of a 2years relationship. I asked her on a date and I went to Washington. We rushed on sex and made it official for us.

After dating her I started to realize that she was broken. She had a traumatic abusive childhood and her ex-husband took everything from her. She sees her ex-husband every day at night to drop off her kid. I didn’t like that fact but she assure me there is nothing more than that. I calm my jealousy because he was very abusive(at least in what she told me). She and I started very well but then we had a long-distance relationship soon after a few months of being together because I needed to finish school. We had so many similarities. I tried to make sure that we had strong communication while we were away. But I notice that she sometimes lacks the will because she does have a job, a child, and her life. She visited me in Cali in August for a few days and after she left we made a promise she will come again in November. I couldn’t visit her because I had an in-class university and was about to be done in December that's why we made a plan for her to come in November. When November come she made lots of excuses on why she couldn’t come(like money and time) she had about 2months of planning and she reassured me she will come. Instead, she went and paid the ticket money to a martial art competition that she want to compete in. I was devastated that she choose her tournament over our relationship after reassuring me and planning with me. After we had a big fight over it, I was a bit salty but still processing it.

I fought with her mom because her mom is very dramatic and very skewed on beliefs (like anti-gay, anti-democrat, anti-Muslim). I thought her mom was deadbeat because my ex didn't explain her stories well and I was thinking where her mom was at where all this was happening. Her mom got super mad and we made a mutual break up. After breaking up, I didn't contact her for about 3 days and she then proceeded to contact me and asked to be my best friend and possibly with benefits because we didn't have a fight during our relationship and we are both mutual know almost everything about each other. I agreed to it but question how it will work out. Of course, I know this won't work out. I wanted to distant myself to think about it but then after a few days later, CPS (child protective service) came to her house and she called me because she was panicking and I was able to calm her down. It turns out that her kid had a scratch from her sister's dogs and the school counselor reported to the cps on neglect and child abuse. The CPS found nothing but the file is still resolved.

After a month of our break up and 2weeks later of the CPS, I question her on our standing relationship. She does not know it as well and cannot think of it for now because she is scared of everything. I understand that's why I didn't block her. I got too depressed when I heard the news that she was in the CPS office that the case was not resolved. I then got jealous because her ex-husband was there for her every step and I couldn't. She was throwing up and her ex-husband offer her to stay for a bit in his apartment. She didn't sleep over there, she was just there to throw up and talk for a bit (however, I question it). Her ex-husband also just dumped his girlfriend. But I think he is trying to get back with her, there were many hints. After a few days later, I calmed her down with her CPS problem and I then asked her about our standing relationship. I said that we should only talk if are willing to work this out and willing to wait on each other until this case is resolved. She doesn't see it this way. She said there is no point and she said I need to move on but she is willing to be my best friend and still talk. I broke down knowing the fact that she gave upon us. I question everything. I thought she would fight for us no matter what. She said she is depressed as well and yet I notice she posted many pictures of her in the gym on her social media... She then brag about guys flirted with her and proceeded to block them to me...I haven't talk to her for five days now and she tried to talk to me four days ago. I am depressed and can't even eat and yet she is taking this very well more than me.

Am I jealous for nothing? Was I her rebound for her ex-husband? did I get too needy and only think of our relationship? Should I still be there for her because she going through a hard times? Should I just be her best friend and hope the future with her? Should I do the "no contact" rule? Am I a delusion?

 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Tommy0777

[Wiseman2]

There were too many conflicts, logistical problems, distance and incompatibilities for this to work out. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

[Tommy0777]

well I was planning to move in with her on January... But ever since our breakup things are upside down for me and I feel bad to leave her in this hard time and still in hope of being back together since I see it as fixed able and she doesn't. I tried to see it my perspective but she doesn't see it that way and I am devastated. she said its not worth it because she want to make sure her kid is fine (which her kid is, she is just over reacting).

Edited December 5, 2021 by Tommy0777

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Tommy0777 said:

I fought with her mom because her mom is very dramatic and very skewed on beliefs (like anti-gay, anti-democrat, anti-Muslim). .CPS (child protective service) came to her house. It turns out that her kid had a scratch from her sister's dogs and the school counselor reported to the cps on neglect and child abuse.

You need to give her space. She needs to focus on being a better parent and her child.

It's not your call to decide she's "overreacting" when it comes to a CPS report. You don't seem to be a good influence on each other. 

 Give her space to sort out her issues. Your hatred of her mother doesn't help. Step away and find local compatible women.

[Tommy0777]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to give her space. She needs to focus on being a better parent and child.

 Give her space to sort out her issues. Your hatred of her mother doesn't help. Step away and find local compatible women.

Give her space even though she still want to talk and be “best friend”?

Edited December 5, 2021 by Tommy0777

[Tommy0777]

Should I stop keep contacting my ex after a break up but she has an emergency (a child (cps)).? Initially, she asked me to still be contacting with her as a "best friend", I accepted it but question it because there is so much feelings and she has an emergency. After a few days, she had a break down after I asked her where is our relationship really is because I want to work it out but she doesn't see as workable and not worth it. She wants me to move on because she isn't worth it. She then got mad at me for asking people for advice about her CPS case. She told me its not my business to care because we aren't in a relationship together. I told her that we agreed on being a best friend and as for best friend I would ask anyone for my best friend (of course I still have feelings for her as well). I don't know how to let go... I still cared for her but blocking her is too harsh as well when she needed someone the most. I haven't spoke to her for 5 days now and haven't replied to her in 4. any advice?

[ExpatInItaly]

Recognize you cannot be her best friend anymore, either. It doesn't work with an ex when there are still feelings involved, which there clearly are (on your end) 

She is going to have to lean on others now. And yes, keep out of her CPS case. She is drawing a boundary with you, and despite "agreeing" to be best friends, you should not be assuming that role in her life any longer. 

It's time to distance yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Tommy0777 said:

 she doesn't see as workable and not worth it. She wants me to move on because she isn't worth it.

Move on, as she suggested. She has too much on her plate.

There are too many issues from the distance to you hating her mother.

Don't buzz around in the friendzone. Make a clean break.

[Tommy0777]

On 12/6/2021 at 5:39 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Recognize you cannot be her best friend anymore, either. It doesn't work with an ex when there are still feelings involved, which there clearly are (on your end) 

She is going to have to lean on others now. And yes, keep out of her CPS case. She is drawing a boundary with you, and despite "agreeing" to be best friends, you should not be assuming that role in her life any longer. 

It's time to distance yourself. 

Not her end as well of feelings? And she texted me and I ignored it for few days. I feel like a jerk but I know my intention if I reply is to get back but she said she can’t have that and she won’t wait for it till the cps case is solved. She said she doesn’t think she’s worth it

[glows]

I don't know whether this was even a relationship considering how many issues there were, the long distance and questionable whether the marriage/relationship was severed at all with her ex-husband. I would ask myself that or question whether this is adequate enough to sustain a relationship in any sense of the word or whether it was an escape in way for you also from life, school or other personal matters. 

I'm of the firm belief where if I have to ask another person what this is or where things are going, we are ultimately not on the same page and it's not working for me. You will know in your heart of hearts whether you're in sync with someone and have the same views or outlook or future plans with someone. Everything you've mentioned in your first post gives me the feeling like it was a difficult situation and transition for her and she needs more friends than people around her looking for romance. 

If you can't accept that then move on and don't remain in contact. Her asking to remain best friends is an attempt for some normalcy I'd suspect in her chaos and transition. It's up to you whether that's acceptable to you or whether you'd rather move on with your life and find yourself dating someone more on the same page as you. Keep in mind that you're not her helper or her therapist either and she has already told you she doesn't want to date you and she told you specifically to move on.

[Tommy0777]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

I don't know whether this was even a relationship considering how many issues there were, the long distance and questionable whether the marriage/relationship was severed at all with her ex-husband. I would ask myself that or question whether this is adequate enough to sustain a relationship in any sense of the word or whether it was an escape in way for you also from life, school or other personal matters. 

I'm of the firm belief where if I have to ask another person what this is or where things are going, we are ultimately not on the same page and it's not working for me. You will know in your heart of hearts whether you're in sync with someone and have the same views or outlook or future plans with someone. Everything you've mentioned in your first post gives me the feeling like it was a difficult situation and transition for her and she needs more friends than people around her looking for romance. 

If you can't accept that then move on and don't remain in contact. Her asking to remain best friends is an attempt for some normalcy I'd suspect in her chaos and transition. It's up to you whether that's acceptable to you or whether you'd rather move on with your life and find yourself dating someone more on the same page as you. Keep in mind that you're not her helper or her therapist either and she has already told you she doesn't want to date you and she told you specifically to move on.

Well she want me to move on because she doesn’t think she’s worth it. Should I show her that she is? She texted me that she’s better now and can talk. I haven’t reply to her for few days for space.  We both click and have so many similarities and memories. I known her for 6 years but only dated for 10months but seems like forever since we known each other(with flirting). 

[glows]

No. She should be showing YOU that she's worth your time. 

[Tommy0777]

1 hour ago, glows said:

No. She should be showing YOU that she's worth your time. 

But she has by trying to contact me. But I didn’t realize that she was trying to normalize the situation because of her chaotic situation. She did mention she’s going to keep our pictures and stuff. Why is that? That is giving me signals that she still have some hope someday. Yet she tells me to move on because she’s not worth it. Makes me want to show her that she is.

[LynneVicious]

1 hour ago, Tommy0777 said:

Yet she tells me to move on because she’s not worth it.

This is woman-speak for ‘I don’t want Yo be with you any longer’. 

If she did, she would want you there through thick and thin. She’s made her decision. You need to move on so you stop giving yourself hope, whether you want to or not. 

[Tommy0777]

9 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

This is woman-speak for ‘I don’t want Yo be with you any longer’. 

If she did, she would want you there through thick and thin. She’s made her decision. You need to move on so you stop giving yourself hope, whether you want to or not. 

If she says that why does she says she want to keep all our pictures and told me the same as well. And she keep wanting to keep in contact. I’m assuming she’s saying that because she is in a very low situation. 

[LynneVicious]

Yes, she may want support. But look at her actions, not her words. 

[Tommy0777]

3 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Yes, she may want support. But look at her actions, not her words. 

Can you elaborate. Because I am blinded by this and super depressed by it. Her action are trying to keep contact with me and trying to update each other. She is also super depressed and looked like wretched. But her words are not wanting to be together because she think she’s not worth it and therefore we shouldn’t keep the relationship just best friend. I asked her what happen in the future if one of us has that feelings still she said she’s not sure since right now we both have it.

[Billybob]

Sorry to hear Tommy, you’ve gotten your self into a similar situation to my self, I’m still hurting but have learnt a lot in recent both about myself, my ex partner and life in general…

She knows you care for her, putting you in the friend zone is a way of keeping you in her life and being able to have her cake and eat it when she wants it.  You’re going to struggle with this?

Iv learnt. (No contact) it gives your ex a chance to work on them selves and if she really want you she will reach out to you, during that period of No Contact you need to work on your self too.  Ask your self if you are being to needy and why. Be honest with your self..

 

  I’m hooked  to a person that has a history of abusive  and failed relationships, there’s no way on this earth I should of put up with her behaviour but if it wasn’t for me being an empath and co-dependant I’d of walked because I know right from wrong..

please stop for a minute and self reflect, no matter how much we love someone we can’t force them to love us back, your ex and my ex have something in common, they both got abused by their ex’s and they both have to have daily contact with them..   both yours abs mine could have alot of issues to deal with, unfortunately you and I are not there therapist’s. I’m guessing they’ll both lose men in the future for the same reasons over and over, because of who they are abs the issues they have..

they have to want to see these issues and work on them them selves..

she needs to take care of her self and you need to look out for you..  become a better version of your self, don’t show her your needy, if she has reall feelings and bond with you she’ll come back to you if you are strong..  if she sees you as weak and needy despite all her own problems this will turn off her attraction for you..

Iv learnt this all to late, don’t make the same mistakes as you’ll just make yourself ill..