How can I talk to her with such high defenses?

[Brian21]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now and we moved in together earlier this year. We used to fight from time to time but nothing that really struck me as anything significant. 
 

since moving in I’ve noticed what I can only say is a communication problem.   She tells me about all sorts of things that I do or don’t do that are a big problem. But if I every bring up something to her (either during an argument or outside of one when we are fine and talking peacefully), such as her saying really mean things when she gets angry, she immediately goes to her catch-all phrase of “why do you want to be with me then? If I’m ‘xyz’ then why are you with me.”  At this point I feel it’s obvious the conversation is being flipped on me and I am expected to tell her all about why I want to be with her, even though I was the one trying to talk to her about something I see as an issue. 

“if you think I’m mean then why do you want to be with me”…..”if you think I’m rude then why do you want to be with me”….etc.   For the record whenever I tell her about any such issue, I am addressing a very specific situation in which she did something and never saying that she is ‘xyz’ overall.  
 

we live together and love each other but this drives me crazy a lot of times and I want to find some way to get through to her. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Brian21 said:

her catch-all phrase of “why do you want to be with me then? If I’m ‘xyz’ then why are you with me.”  “if you think I’m mean then why do you want to be with me”…..”if you think I’m rude then why do you want to be with me”….etc.

She has a very good point. If you are chronically bickering and criticizing each other...why are you with her?

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Brian21 said:

she immediately goes to her catch-all phrase of “why do you want to be with me then? If I’m ‘xyz’ then why are you with me.”  At this point I feel it’s obvious the conversation is being flipped on me and I am expected to tell her all about why I want to be with her, even though I was the one trying to talk to her about something I see as an issue.

She's not wanting you to tell her why you want to be with her.  Rather, I read it as a rhetorical question; she's saying "this is who I am, like it or lump it".   

Personally, if I was with someone who said mean things to me when angry, I wouldn't talk about it - I'd end it.  Thing is, she would know that her behaviour is unacceptable (I bet she would never do it to a friend) but chooses to do it anyway.   Talking about it isn't going to change her.  And for what it's worth, my husband has never said anything mean to me in the 29 years we've been together.  Bickering and meanness isn't something which happens in all relationships. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by basil67

[glows]

Whose place is it? Did you move into her place? And why? Was it out of necessity or out of desire and careful planning? I ask to get some background. Also, how do you share the bills or pay for necessities for the house and your living expenses?

From what you've written she's resentful of you and I think the rudeness and resentment are all symptoms of bigger issues that you both aren't dealing with. Moving in with someone can be bumpy in the first year but it shouldn't devolve this way into total communication break down.

 

 

[ItsTheDay]

18 hours ago, Brian21 said:

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now and we moved in together earlier this year. We used to fight from time to time but nothing that really struck me as anything significant. 
 

since moving in I’ve noticed what I can only say is a communication problem.   She tells me about all sorts of things that I do or don’t do that are a big problem. But if I every bring up something to her (either during an argument or outside of one when we are fine and talking peacefully), such as her saying really mean things when she gets angry, she immediately goes to her catch-all phrase of “why do you want to be with me then? If I’m ‘xyz’ then why are you with me.”  At this point I feel it’s obvious the conversation is being flipped on me and I am expected to tell her all about why I want to be with her, even though I was the one trying to talk to her about something I see as an issue. 

“if you think I’m mean then why do you want to be with me”…..”if you think I’m rude then why do you want to be with me”….etc.   For the record whenever I tell her about any such issue, I am addressing a very specific situation in which she did something and never saying that she is ‘xyz’ overall.  
 

we live together and love each other but this drives me crazy a lot of times and I want to find some way to get through to her. 

lets be real here, this is just the way (some/most) females are. If you have a father, ask him. Ask a male friend or a male coworker who has been married for a while. They will all most likely tell you "happy wife happy life". We need to cater to them, make them happy to make us happy. My parents have been married for over 50 years, both still living and both still together. They bicker every now and then but for the most part they're happy together. Most people here type like they live in another galaxy and will tell you to leave the person if they ever argue with you because them and their partner never argue, blah blah blah. We're all human, we all have our differences. Arguing or even debating is part of our nature. I even remember back in high school we would do debating drills in social studies . This doesn't happen anymore and I believe that is a very small piece of the big problem with the way this world (or USA) is becoming, soft. 

Anyway, like it or not but this is just the way females are.    

[jolehno]

That was the same frase my wife used to say. The fact that it came out only after you two moved together, says a lot. What surprises will you find later,  if you get married?

In my wife's case, according to the therapist, it was due to low self-worth and abandonment issues on her part. (Same excuse to become a cheater years later)

If the communication does not improve, I am afraid things just will get worst. 

[mark clemson]

Red flag. Not sure it's enough to end the relationship over, but I think you want to address this. That would involve calling out her behavior, asking if SHE wants to continue the relationship, and insisting that this change and be replaced with healthier communication.

I suspect (could be wrong) that this implication of ending the relationship is essentially a bluff/power play and she will cave if push came to shove. Not 100% sure I'm right about that (how can one ever be) nor is it 100% sure you even want to bother "fixing this" versus simply calling her bluff and (really) leaving. No person or relationship is perfect, but red flags early sometimes mean we're best served by moving on.

[dramafreezone]

On 12/6/2021 at 10:43 AM, Brian21 said:

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now and we moved in together earlier this year. We used to fight from time to time but nothing that really struck me as anything significant. 
 

since moving in I’ve noticed what I can only say is a communication problem.   She tells me about all sorts of things that I do or don’t do that are a big problem. But if I every bring up something to her (either during an argument or outside of one when we are fine and talking peacefully), such as her saying really mean things when she gets angry, she immediately goes to her catch-all phrase of “why do you want to be with me then? If I’m ‘xyz’ then why are you with me.”  At this point I feel it’s obvious the conversation is being flipped on me and I am expected to tell her all about why I want to be with her, even though I was the one trying to talk to her about something I see as an issue. 

“if you think I’m mean then why do you want to be with me”…..”if you think I’m rude then why do you want to be with me”….etc.   For the record whenever I tell her about any such issue, I am addressing a very specific situation in which she did something and never saying that she is ‘xyz’ overall.  
 

we live together and love each other but this drives me crazy a lot of times and I want to find some way to get through to her. 

She's asking a very good question actually.  Why do you want to be with someone who is mistreating you? 

I think your current GF is basically daring you to break up with her.  I think some women just want to see that you have the guts to walk away, or maybe she just wants you to break up with her so that she's not the bad person, it's not on her conscience.   

The only answer to her question is, "you're right, I dont think this is going to work out" and then have the courage of your conviction to break up if she continues.  I don't see any other answer that will have a shot at corraling this behavior of hers.  Taking this to its logical conclusion, do you ever see this behavior improving as time goes on?  I don't.

[Lisa]

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