Girlfriend Slept with HR manager

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi been a while so bit of a follow on from my previous topic https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/600939-my-girlfriend-was-once-the-other-woman-its-eating-away-at-me-finding-out/

so bit of backstory known my girlfriend a number of years in the same friendship group, we’ve always gotten on with our lives and had different partners etc, but we’ve now been together coming up to two years, a few months into the relationship I found out from a few friends that she cheated on her shitty ex as she says of 5 years, this was with the HR manager at the place she still works at, he was married with 2 kids, we’ve had a conversation and she claims she didn’t know he was married & she was at a low point in her relationship with her boyfriend because he was abusive threatened to kill himself & had cheated on her in the past.

 

fast forward a year and flowers start showing up at the door I didn’t question the first batch of anonymous flowers, but the second lot came on Valentine’s Day of this year, this made me very uncomfortable as I had a feeling there was only one culprit, again I asked my girlfriend why and who these were from she said she had no idea, We spoke about it and decided to ring the florists and find out because it was strange, it turned out it was this guy from work, she said she has no feelings and doesn’t want anything to do with him but when I asked her to put it to bed and let him know to stop sending her flowers she didn’t really react, I decided to ring him and confront him which I know may seem wrong to a lot of readers but the whole thing made me uncomfortable and I didn’t feel like I was getting answers or it dealt with properly so I told him to stop contacting her & he claimed he just wanted a friendship.

As far as I know they don’t have any communication other than in work, because he works in HR so as far as I’m aware a lot of the time he will be emailing her etc, there’s a Christmas party coming up and I know he’s more than likely going & my girlfriend is also, I don’t want to be controlling or bring this guy up because it has slightly tarnished our relationship with her last coming into the present essentially because I believed her when she said it was all done with before the flowers, but I can’t help feel uncomfortable they still have contact & potentially getting drunk together at Christmas, what do you think people am I overthinking? The fact she essentially slept with her boss a married man all while cheating on her boyfriend previously, makes me feel very uneasy but I love this girl a lot & people make mistakes who am I to judge the past, but if it creeps into our relationship that’s when I have a problem.

thanks W14 x

Edited December 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to previous topic

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

he was married with 2 kids, we’ve had a conversation and she claims she didn’t know he was married & she was at a low point in her relationship with her boyfriend because he was abusive threatened to kill himself & had cheated on her in the past.

IDK but if I was dealing with a suicidal, cheating, abusive boyfriend the last thing I would feel like doing is having sex with a married man with kids or any man for that matter.  I think your gf is up to something with that guy at work who sent the flowers.  After the 1st bunch arrived she should have set him straight.  She didn't and he sent her VD flowers.  Yeah.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he is sexually harassing her if he's sending unwanted gifts.

Either you trust her or you don't.

Is this the same woman?:

 

[WELLINGTON14]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like he is sexually harassing her if he's sending unwanted gifts.

Either you trust her or you don't.

Is this the same woman?:

 

Yea same woman & It’s hard to claim I trust her when I’m on this forum, it’s more just advice because I feel like I’m being a good boyfriend letting this slide not knowing if they potentially talk & what the context of that communication is, because I love her & don’t want to accuse or ruin what has been a good relationship other than this shadow in the background, it’s not like I can ask her to leave her job so I don’t really know the answer, but the thought of them going for drinks at Christmas and acting all friendly rubs me the wrong way

[WELLINGTON14]

17 minutes ago, stillafool said:

IDK but if I was dealing with a suicidal, cheating, abusive boyfriend the last thing I would feel like doing is having sex with a married man with kids or any man for that matter.  I think your gf is up to something with that guy at work who sent the flowers.  After the 1st bunch arrived she should have set him straight.  She didn't and he sent her VD flowers.  Yeah.

This is my point of you was staying with him worrying about him killing himself, surely sneaking around behind his back having an affair with a married man would push him over the edge, it’s just never added up in my head

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like he is sexually harassing her if he's sending unwanted gifts.

Either you trust her or you don't.

Is this the same woman?:

 

Yeah, this gf of yours........

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

 it’s not like I can ask her to leave her job so I don’t really know the answer, but the thought of them going for drinks at Christmas and acting all friendly rubs me the wrong way

It was way out of line to contact her co-worker. Why aren't you invited to the Christmas party?

You need to stay in your own lane. You don't trust her. Perhaps he's the office wolf,who knows?

However you're beating her up for a past she already explained to you and can't change.

[WELLINGTON14]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It was way out of line to contact her co-worker. Why aren't you invited to the Christmas party?

You need to stay in your own lane. You don't trust her. Perhaps he's the office wolf,who knows?

However you're beating her up for a past she already explained to you and can't change.

I’m honestly not sure if that’s even a thing, think it’s just a staff do only & well what I’m saying is I’m trying not too but it’s hard to not have it in the back of your mind, not sure you’d feel comfortable knowing a former affair partner was contacting and sending you partner gifts, think you’d at least question it, maybe I’m wrong but that’s why I posted to get opinions so thanks for responding 

[WELLINGTON14]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah, this gf of yours........

Yeah this is my girlfriend 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

 a former affair partner was contacting and sending you partner gifts,  

She sees him daily at work. If she were still having this affair with him, why is she with you? 

Yes it's weird and inappropriate he's doing this. However contacting him was over the top unless she can afford to get by without a job.

If she is too problematic for you, just end it. You don't trust her. It's that simple.

[Starswillshine]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She sees him daily at work. If she were still having this affair with him, why is she with you? 

Because the man is married. In a lot of cases, the woman will leave their primary relationship for their affair partner. But this affair partner is married. So if they are in an affair, she has someone to go home to while he is off with his wife too. 

[WELLINGTON14]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She sees him daily at work. If she were still having this affair with him, why is she with you? 

Yes it's weird and inappropriate he's doing this. However contacting him was over the top unless she can afford to get by without a job.

If she is too problematic for you, just end it. You don't trust her. It's that simple.

I think your missing the part where she had a boyfriend prior and decided to go with this guy, so it’s not beyond consideration she could do the same to me? He’s also a HR manager which means the very thing he should be not allowing in the workplace he participated in, so not sure he really has a leg to stand on with that, HR manager finding your address to send flowers and sleeping with colleagues is kind of ironic as he is in charge of misconduct, I trust her but there’s always a part of you where you question certain things like I’ve said, of course I want to believe I’d never hurt my spouse and vice versa but there’s a human element where I also want to respect my dignity & make sure I’m not being an idiot by getting some advice, my post was to help understand whether I’m overthinking things or if I’m being made a mug out of and ignoring flags because I love her, I don’t have anyone to confide in because we have the same friendship group, so feel it would be unfair to bring that up and make people aware of our relationship like that as were quite private anyway & Its not necessarily something I’d talk too my family about!

im not saying I believe she’s doing anything wrong I wouldn’t be with her if I thought that’s the person she was, I’m asking whether the feeling of uncomfort is having is warranted or I’m just in my own head, I’ve had one gf prior who wanted to do long distance when I moved to the USA from the Uk and the whole time she was cheating, so my guard is probably somewhat raised due to that experience & maybe I’m projecting that experience I don’t know, I just don’t want anyone thinking I’m protesting my viewpoints right, literally just wanted to open up   

[Uruktopi]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She sees him daily at work. If she were still having this affair with him, why is she with you? 

Yes it's weird and inappropriate he's doing this. However contacting him was over the top unless she can afford to get by without a job.

If she is too problematic for you, just end it. You don't trust her. It's that simple.

"She sees him daily at work. If she were still having this affair with him, why is she with you?"  Cos that´s almost exactly what cheating is about.

"Yes it's weird and inappropriate he's doing this. However contacting him was over the top unless she can afford to get by without a job." Trading dignity for benefits may be named in various ways. not all nice ones but still accurate descriptions.

"You don't trust her. It's that simple." He don´t seem to have good reasons for.

"....just end it"  Good advice.

 

 

[Starswillshine]

7 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

I’m asking whether the feeling of uncomfort is having is warranted or I’m just in my own head

It is definitely warranted. Having to suck up that she has a lot of contact with a former affair partner is one thing, having him then send her gifts definitely warrants some discussion and talk about boundaries. She should be handling this and making sure he is fully aware IN WRITING that this type of behavior is unwanted. If she just brushes it off, I would definitely think something is off here. Because it shouldn't be about her job safety... it is his he is ruining if this was all unwanted contact. 

[WELLINGTON14]

7 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

"She sees him daily at work. If she were still having this affair with him, why is she with you?"  Cos that´s almost exactly what cheating is about.

"Yes it's weird and inappropriate he's doing this. However contacting him was over the top unless she can afford to get by without a job." Trading dignity for benefits may be named in various ways. not all nice ones but still accurate descriptions.

"You don't trust her. It's that simple." He don´t seem to have good reasons for.

"....just end it"  Good advice.

 

 

Appreciate this and like I said maybe I’m just overthinking but It’s good to get some perspectives, fairs I might’ve crossed a line contacting the geezer but at the end of the day it wasn’t getting dealt with if not & i do regret that because that’s not me & that’s my biggest issue, all of this is making me not feel like me I’m worrying about all this when lm a laid back person, I’m always torn between like just leave it and if someone does that to me it says more about them & I know I’m a catch, but it’s hard when you want to build a life and you wanted it to be with this person, but there’s this thing you can’t quite shake & I don’t know the answer or if it’s right to proceed in houses etc if I have these feelings my heads telling me run, but my heart is like she is so good to me am I being stupid letting her go for this past mistake & something that might not happen to me

Edited December 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

I might’ve crossed a line contacting the geezer but at the end of the day it wasn’t getting dealt with 

Yes, a talk about boundaries is appropriate. She wouldn't admit it was this creep sending her stuff, who knows why? She's damaged, as you mentioned.

However it's way out of line to contact her workplace. This is a You and Her problem, not a workplace, HR or him problem. 

It seems you two lack trust, respect and boundaries in general. 

[WELLINGTON14]

1 minute ago, Starswillshine said:

It is definitely warranted. Having to suck up that she has a lot of contact with a former affair partner is one thing, having him then send her gifts definitely warrants some discussion and talk about boundaries. She should be handling this and making sure he is fully aware IN WRITING that this type of behavior is unwanted. If she just brushes it off, I would definitely think something is off here. Because it shouldn't be about her job safety... it is his he is ruining if this was all unwanted contact. 

I think for me obviously it’s hard to get the full story across, but I feel like I’ve had conversations when things have cropped up been respectful as to not take her back to the bad place she says she was in to do what she did, but boundaries have to be set and when these gifts were received she didn’t meet them head on or put a stop to it or talk to him, she just said I don’t care about him ignore it, I just don’t feel like that was good enough and I communicated that & she just went into a rant how well I’m not leaving my job & since has had a promotion so that option is not happening anytime & the contact will more than likely increase as she’s now into a higher position, so it just feels at times like it’s been well deal with it & trust me or don’t, & like Ives said I wouldn’t ask her to leave her job it’s not that deep but to be so cutthroat and not talk it through & go to Christmas parties together like nothing happened, I don’t know this guys intention but if you’ve had an affair & you then say you just want to be friends, like at the end of the day if the opportunity arose he’d be all over her, so it’s more his slimy antics in the background im uneasy about, everytime she needs to book a holiday off it goes through him, feels like a middle man of our relationship 

[Starswillshine]

5 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

she just went into a rant how well I’m not leaving my job & since has had a promotion so that option is not happening anytime & the contact will more than likely increase as she’s now into a higher position, so it just feels at times like it’s been well deal with it & trust me or don’t

This is a huge red flag. And that this point, you needed to stand up for yourself. Don't diminish your feelings. You were right to be concerned. And if it was absolutely nothing, she should have handled it. She wouldn't need to leave her job because he can get fired if she tells him to stop and he does not. But she didn't handle it and to make it worse, she turned it around on you. From a near identical experience, where there is smoke there is fire. Don't waste 20 years of your life like I did shrinking yourself and your feelings to be the "cool spouse."

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

so it’s more his slimy antics in the background im uneasy about, everytime she needs to book a holiday off it goes through him, feels like a middle man of our relationship 

HE is not your problem, your gf is.  He will only do what she allows him to do.  Again, your problem is with your somewhat greasy gf.

Edited December 7, 2021 by stillafool

[WELLINGTON14]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, a talk about boundaries is appropriate. She wouldn't admit it was this creep sending her stuff, who knows why? She's damaged, as you mentioned.

However it's way out of line to contact her workplace. This is a You and Her problem, not a workplace, HR or him problem. 

It seems you two lack trust, respect and boundaries in general. 

Well I actually only found out who it actually was because he had started stalking me on LinkedIn viewed my profile etc, I asked my girlfriend who this guy was from her work checking me out I kept getting notifications, she told me that was the guy from work & obviously his profile pic was with his two daughters so I kinda had an idea anyway, so anyway after everything happened with the flowers, I got the number off of his profile which was a personal mobile & when I spoke to him on the phone he at first denied it all until we said the florist had confirmed it was him, also knew that my girlfriend was with me but again overstepped the boundaries didn’t care and made the approach with the flowers anyway, so yeah like I said until all this happened I was fine, but when things like that are happening me dragging me into some sort of triangle which I don’t want to be in, is very annoying & I shouldn’t even be being put in this situation 

[WELLINGTON14]

6 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

This is a huge red flag. And that this point, you needed to stand up for yourself. Don't diminish your feelings. You were right to be concerned. And if it was absolutely nothing, she should have handled it. She wouldn't need to leave her job because he can get fired if she tells him to stop and he does not. But she didn't handle it and to make it worse, she turned it around on you. From a near identical experience, where there is smoke there is fire. Don't waste 20 years of your life like I did shrinking yourself and your feelings to be the "cool spouse."

This is how I’m feeling exactly I don’t want to look back in a few years if something was to happen & say I didn’t go with my gut feeling wasting years to get hurt, that’s my issue though not necessarily hers and that’s a decision only I can make but I honestly don’t know if this problem goes away while we she works there, flowers might pop up at Christmas & what do I do then?

The context of their emails I don’t know doubt she’s dumb enough to be texting him but they could be freely talking on email at work & if there’s a friendly tone to it after she says she hates him wants nothing to do with him & he makes her feel sick isn’t that a contradiction & giving him the impression he can still talk and try it on?

When I first found out about this i didn’t know anything about him or who it was and just got about our relationship, she even said he was blocked on everything, since finding out who he was and the department etc, at the start of our relationship I saw a message pop up whilst we were laid in bed together from ‘HRRRRRR’ I didn’t think anything at the time, but obviously after the flowers and discussions I brought it up & said was that who text you ages ago then as that’s his department & at first she said no and denied any knowledge then she said yes but it would’ve only been about holidays.

so she blatantly lied to my face after saying she had him blocked, there’s loads of little things that haven’t added up and I’m at a point where I just don’t need the extra stress

 

Edited December 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Uruktopi]

I´ll try to make my points to be a bit more clear.

- What happened in her past before you should´t be a problem as long as that man do not make any (but NONE) advances and not even ambiguous gestures about whithout a harsh stop. That indifference is the opposite of love is just another empty mantra. 

- Else, he should be stopped in a clear, unambigous. explicit way at the cost needed to make it a full permanent boundary.

- Your main false step in confronting him was NOT about her/his personal lifes and/or privacy and/or any other also nonsense sefasscentric consideration. The wrong was to do yourself what was HER unavoidable job to accomplish (to harshly stop him) provided she is interested in stay with you. The only exception would be if she asks you for help in doing the same.

- The ones who trade their dignities for peace rarely get such devaluated "peace" while they give away their integrity.

- If you both enthusiasticaly agree on what should be acceptable or even tolerated in and around your couple team, details (but not the core of it) may be adjusted. Not to merely have a necessary talk about but to take the even more necessary actions.

- Else, is not about trust, is about what trust should be about. 

- In any other case, don´t make it the souce for a fight with your gf. Make it a quite valid reason to say a gentle and well founded good bye.

Edited December 7, 2021 by Uruktopi

[WELLINGTON14]

29 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

I´ll try to make my points to be a bit more clear.

- What happened in her past before you should´t be a problem as long as that man do not make any (but NONE) advances and not even ambiguous gestures about whithout a harsh stop. That indifference is the opposite of love is just another empty mantra. 

- Else, he should be stopped in a clear, unambigous. explicit way at the cost needed to make it a full permanent boundary.

- Your main false step in confronting him was NOT about her/his personal lifes and/or privacy and/or any other also nonsense sefasscentric consideration. The wrong was to do yourself what was HER unavoidable job to accomplish (to harshly stop him) provided she is interested in stay with you. The only exception would be if she asks you for help in doing the same.

- The ones who trade their dignities for peace rarely get such devaluated "peace" while they give away their integrity.

- If you both enthusiasticaly agree on what should be acceptable or even tolerated in and around your couple team, details (but not the core of it) may be adjusted. Not to merely have a necessary talk about but to take the even more necessary actions.

- Else, is not about trust, is about what trust should be about. 

- In any other case, don´t make it the souce for a fight with your gf. Make it a quite valid reason to say a gentle and well founded good bye.

Yeah so basically it should’ve been her decision to put a stop to all this once and for all in no uncertain terms, now because I’ve stepped in I’ve denied her that opportunity as unwilling as she was to do it herself, put me in a predicament I don’t feel like I should be involved or asking of that, she should have just cut it & made it clear, now I’m in a position where I look like I’ve controlled and controlling her decision & inadvertently made myself look the bad guy, that’s why I’m mad at myself for that but I just know it would’ve carried on, she claims to be this nice friendly person that hates confrontation, but to do what she did denies me to believe that personality trait fully & certain things need confronting, I don’t know what to do or maybe I do but I’m just scared too because nothing has happened whilst she’s been with me in terms of cheating, so I’d essentially be ending things based on a scenario that might genuinely not exist, do I take that risk? Like I said my gut is telling me things aren’t right when all these things accumulate & I look back and piece it together it triggers me again I feel like an idiot for just believing and trying to be understanding

[LatinCoffee]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She sees him daily at work. If she were still having this affair with him, why is she with you? 

Yes it's weird and inappropriate he's doing this. However contacting him was over the top unless she can afford to get by without a job.

If she is too problematic for you, just end it. You don't trust her. It's that simple.

I agree with, @Wiseman2  Prayers sent for you @WELLINGTON14 Once a cheater, always a cheater in my eyes. I know that you're in love with your gf but she is being disrespectful in entertaining this guy at work. He's sending her flowers which means there was something that triggered both batches of flowers delivered to your place. So not cool. It's best to end this relationship because she's not ready for you or anyone for this matter. I wish you the best! 

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

she claims she didn’t know he was married & she was at a low point in her relationship with her boyfriend because he was abusive threatened to kill himself & had cheated on her in the past.

of course she didn't know.🙄

What would make me feel better is if she just said she made a poor decision.  All of the other crap (says its because of her abusive BF, she didn't know he was married) makes it seem as though she doesn't take full responsibility.  I'm even giving her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know he was married.  If she did know, then that makes her even more wrong. 

So if you're not 100% on your P's and Q's, it's possible she'll cheat on you too and it'll be your fault.  Also, in this day and age, if she was uncomfortable with this guy at work she'd tell someone and that guy would be fired.

Edited December 7, 2021 by dramafreezone