Girlfriend Slept with HR manager

[WELLINGTON14]

19 minutes ago, LatinCoffee said:

I agree with, @Wiseman2  Prayers sent for you @WELLINGTON14 Once a cheater, always a cheater in my eyes. I know that you're in love with your gf but she is being disrespectful in entertaining this guy at work. He's sending her flowers which means there was something that triggered both batches of flowers delivered to your place. So not cool. It's best to end this relationship because she's not ready for you or anyone for this matter. I wish you the best! 

Yeah the flowers out of the blue just seems so random & on Valentine’s Day, they said from someone who cares xxx, I don’t even know what that means but I don’t think that’s something you send on a bunch of flowers if you’re sure there’s no chance of anything happening & you just want a friendship, the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable I can’t put my finger on it as like I said I don’t believe anything physical has happened while we’ve been together, but I just feel like there needs to be a period of no contact to fully get over someone especially something as intimate as an affair, yet they still work together he asks how she’s doing and if she’s had a good weekend and vice versa i just don’t feel that’s right, she says she hates that guy wants nothing to do with him he’s disgusting etc but is talking to him at work like nothing ever happened?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, WELLINGTON14 said:

 I just feel like there needs to be a period of no contact to fully get over someone especially something as intimate as an affair, yet they still work together he asks how she’s doing and if she’s had a good weekend and vice versa i just don’t feel that’s right, she says she hates that guy wants nothing to do with him he’s disgusting etc but is talking to him at work like nothing ever happened?

Does she need her job? Because how exactly, according to your rules and assumptions, does "no contact" work when she needs a paycheck?

 Sadly you don't view her as being sexually harassed and stalked (which this obviously is) but instead see yourself as a passive "victim" of this "triangle" they are inflicting on you.

[WELLINGTON14]

13 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

of course she didn't know.🙄

What would make me feel better is if she just said she made a poor decision.  All of the other crap (says its because of her abusive BF, she didn't know he was married) makes it seem as though she doesn't take full responsibility.  I'm even giving her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know he was married.  If she did know, then that makes her even more wrong. 

So if you're not 100% on your P's and Q's, it's possible she'll cheat on you too and it'll be your fault.  Also, in this day and age, if she was uncomfortable with this guy at work she'd tell someone and that guy would be fired.

Yeah I found that part hard to believe, for instance did she never wonder why she didn’t go to his house? Must have had to be hotels or even at the office that itself feels shady if the guy you’re seeing can’t go back to his house, she was 22/23 & he was 32 so 10 years older highly unlikely he wouldn’t have a house to go to, so that part alone makes me believe surely she would’ve known, then nobody at work has ever mentioned this guy & his family etc, when he’s a HR manager everyone knows in the office, benefit of the doubt he doesn’t wear a ring and those questions don’t come up or he lies, I highly doubt it I really do too many inconsistencies for her to not know & regardless she had a boyfriend whilst she was doing all this so no matter what she’s capable of lying to someone’s face, what makes me special? 

[WELLINGTON14]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Does she need her job? Because how exactly, according to your rules and assumptions, does "no contact" work when she needs a paycheck?

 Sadly you don't view her as being sexually harassed and stalked (which this obviously is) but instead see yourself as a passive "victim" of this "triangle" they are inflicting on you.

Well I’m sure everyone needs their job, but she lives at home still as do I were only 25, so not like we have bills to pay to be scared of losing a job, there’s a difference between no contact in terms of here’s your payslip for the month & having full blown conversations about how life’s going, considering she’s told me she hates this guy & doesn’t speak to him that’s just another lie she’s told?

she’s not being sexually harassed as far as I know & we are very open in communication about things so it’s not like she’d be scared to come to me, if that was the case I’d help her & it would be his job at risk not hers, so I think it’s unfair you think I’d be happy with her being harassed but if she’s welcoming contact that’s not harassment & seems pretty fine in conversing with him daily, everyone’s a victim in all of this & I have a chance to leave this mess pretty much unscathed because unfortunately I have been brought into things from him also stalking me and interfering in yet another relationship, her reluctance to confront the issue leads me to believe she’s fine with how things are, she seems more angry that I’m uncomfortable with the setup which I believe I have a right to be 

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like he is sexually harassing her if he's sending unwanted gifts.

Either you trust her or you don't.

Is this the same woman?:

 

If she is being sexually harassed then she should report him. 

If she doesn't, then that makes me scratch my head, maybe she fears some kind of retribution, ok.  Couple that with them having a past consensual sexual history, her lack of full accountability for that indiscretion, and I don't buy that these gestures from the office guy are unwanted.  Her history shows that she's not going to give you the full story when you ask her.

In this day and age if this guy is harassing her he would be fired quickly.  Companies these days don't play around with that.

Edited December 7, 2021 by dramafreezone

[mark clemson]

It feels like your situation is ambiguous enough to be raising red flags without them being clear cut (at least from your perspective, others of course might see things differently). So maybe yellow flags.

One solution might be to ask that she look for another job. (Not sure she'd agree to, but one could ask.)

You might see if partners are allowed at this holiday party and accompany her as well.

Of course, if someone really wants to cheat with a willing co-worker, there's not much one can do (in advance) to stop them.

People seem to want to bash your GF for her prior actions. That's not crazy, but it's possible she needed to feel there was a "Plan B" in place in order to find the confidence/emotional security to leave what sounds like a really bad relationship. In a way that IS a weakness on her part, but of course many (if not most) people are "weak" - just in different ways. So, it is what it is (was) in her case.

If you can't be sure she's cheating, and you don't want to leave if you're not sure, it sounds like you may need to do "monitoring" and see if you see any further signs.

That is NOT the hallmark of a healthy relationship, but I think if you're honest this isn't a healthy relationship right now (at least this aspect of it). You seem to be trying to save it. If that's what you want to do, well sometimes you have to administer some "toxic" medicine in order to save the patient.

Of course if this is really the situation, you might be well served by starting couple's counseling as it might help quite a bit to "have a real relationship doctor" (to the extent counselors fit that role, which is limited) in the mix. At a minimum a counselor might serve as a kind of referee for further discussion between the two of you about this.

Edited December 7, 2021 by mark clemson

[Uruktopi]

Just IMO, so take it strictly as my view (though a not a negotiable one when about my own life):

- Again it SHOULD be no more about what happened in her/his past before you. But it BECOMES about it only because seems to be the source of what he (that man) is doing and what she is accepting as tolerable, even if pasively.

- As said here by another, it may be seen and taken as harassement. But IF and ONLY IF she reports it as being so. Else, she is his accomplice and not his victim.

- You don´t equate it (the present situation) as cheating but what defines that are not merely in the intention. Is, given an unavoidable conflict between him and the couple you and your GF are supposed to have, what draw the difference is to whom is her loyalty in said struggle as it is. If she remains being his accomplice even as "neutrality" she is betraying the team with you.

Of course, it´s up to you. But I would not shift my related opinions from what is above said.

-  

 

[WELLINGTON14]

10 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It feels like your situation is ambiguous enough to be raising red flags without them being clear cut (at least from your perspective, others of course might see things differently). So maybe yellow flags.

One solution might be to ask that she look for another job. (Not sure she'd agree to, but one could ask.)

You might see if partners are allowed at this holiday party and accompany her as well.

Of course, if someone really wants to cheat with a willing co-worker, there's not much one can do (in advance) to stop them.

People seem to want to bash your GF for her prior actions. That's not crazy, but it's possible she needed to feel there was a "Plan B" in place in order to find the confidence/emotional security to leave what sounds like a really bad relationship. In a way that IS a weakness on her part, but of course many (if not most) people are "weak" - just in different ways. So, it is what it is (was) in her case.

If you can't be sure she's cheating, and you don't want to leave if you're not sure, it sounds like you may need to do "monitoring" and see if you see any further signs.

That is NOT the hallmark of a healthy relationship, but I think if you're honest this isn't a healthy relationship right now (at least this aspect of it). You seem to be trying to save it. If that's what you want to do, well sometimes you have to administer some "toxic" medicine in order to save the patient.

Of course if this is really the situation, you might be well served by starting couple's counseling as it might help quite a bit to "have a real relationship doctor" (to the extent counselors fit that role, which is limited) in the mix. At a minimum a counselor might serve as a kind of referee for further discussion between the two of you about this.

I completely get what you’re saying but at the end of the day this is a girlfriend and as much as I love and care for her & in our relationship besides the things stated it’s ultimately been good, I guess the thing is for me to move forward in terms of a future, house, kids I need to be fully 100% I’m making that right decision with the right person, these things popping up aren’t helping and it’s not how I envisioned having to be a part of in my life, I don’t want to be going to counselling at 25 for a two year relationship, that just says we’re doomed to fail if we’re at that point this early on, it should be simple and I should be happy all this isn’t making me happy & it’s making me paranoid, insecure because I have no clue what’s going on day to day & im a very confident person and at peace with myself so I feel like I shouldn’t be being shaped by this experience & im not liking what it’s doing to my mood worrying, instead of being able to get that across to her & talking about what we can do, it’s dismissed told to grow up & to deal with it, so I don’t really know I’ve tried the respectful communication method & it gets turned into me being horrible bringing up her past etc, but these things are happening in the present and she doesn’t seem to understand that 

[Starswillshine]

We can take away that this prior relationship was an affair, and just put it as someone she had a relationship with before....

I know 100% my fiancee would not be ok or comfortable with another man sending me flowers, nevertheless someone I had a past with, it would be up to me to demand that that behavior come to an end. In this case, his GF knows that he is uncomfortable with it. That she just told him to deal with it is a huge sign that she does not respect his feelings. I do not know anyone who would be ok with their SO receiving romantic gifts from a previous sexual companion and be ok when she says, "just deal with it." 

[WELLINGTON14]

6 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

Just IMO, so take it strictly as my view (though a not a negotiable one when about my own life):

- Again it SHOULD be no more about what happened in her/his past before you. But it BECOMES about it only because seems to be the source of what he (that man) is doing and what she is accepting as tolerable, even if pasively.

- As said here by another, it may be seen and taken as harassement. But IF and ONLY IF she reports it as being so. Else, she is his accomplice and not his victim.

- You don´t equate it (the present situation) as cheating but what defines that are not merely in the intention. Is, given an unavoidable conflict between him and the couple you and your GF are supposed to have, what draw the difference is to whom is her loyalty in said struggle as it is. If she remains being his accomplice even as "neutrality" she is betraying the team with you.

Of course, it´s up to you. But I would not shift my related opinions from what is above said.

-  

 

Yeah I get that, to avoid conflict she is effectively ignoring it and keeping contact as normal, allowing him to believe everything is fine between them and there’s no animosity

this in turn is filling him with confidence to send flowers/gifts because as of yet there has been no repercussions from her directly or being shot down at all, she is effectively allowing the behaviour & getting angry at me for not understanding why she won’t cut it & why that makes me feel uncomfortable 

it could be innocent she doesn’t want confrontation would rather ignore it and hope it goes away, or she might enjoy the attention or not see it as anything at all if it’s not bothering her it shouldn’t bother me

i don’t know the answer but if something on my side made her uncomfortable I’d like to think I’d help understand without anger & come up with a solution/boundaries to how we get past it 

[WELLINGTON14]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

We can take away that this prior relationship was an affair, and just put it as someone she had a relationship with before....

I know 100% my fiancee would not be ok or comfortable with another man sending me flowers, nevertheless someone I had a past with, it would be up to me to demand that that behavior come to an end. In this case, his GF knows that he is uncomfortable with it. That she just told him to deal with it is a huge sign that she does not respect his feelings. I do not know anyone who would be ok with their SO receiving romantic gifts from a previous sexual companion and be ok when she says, "just deal with it." 

If you was in my shoes and your partner was still working with an affair partner & receiving gifts etc still communicating, what would you personally do I’m not sure how to approach this & don’t want it to come off as an ultimatum or a control freak but I do think something needs to be set in place, because I feel I’m just papering over cracks hoping they don’t shine through again 

[Starswillshine]

Just now, WELLINGTON14 said:

If you was in my shoes and your partner was still working with an affair partner & receiving gifts etc still communicating, what would you personally do I’m not sure how to approach this & don’t want it to come off as an ultimatum or a control freak but I do think something needs to be set in place, because I feel I’m just papering over cracks hoping they don’t shine through again 

I come from a different place these days after divorcing my ex-husband because of affairs and constant disrespect of my feelings. So with being said, I would explain how this makes me uncomfortable, and if things didn't change (he didn't take control of the situation), I would really reconsider if this relationship is worth pursuing any further. 

On the other hand, I have been in situations that were completely innocent (on my part) but where a guy was obviously making a move. I would play it down and try to ignore it because I hate to be rude (people pleaser issue here). But I started to realize that by trying to not be rude to these random people I didn't care for, I was disrespecting my BF and making him uncomfortable. And that woke me up. My BF meant the world to me, and I honestly never cared if I saw/talked to/whatever these people ever in my life again. It was an easy decision. I was just a little clueless for a second. 

What I am getting at is to maybe be firm and stand your ground about how you feel about this. Explain that by not putting an end to this, that it feels that she does not care about your feelings.  My BF did not have to tell me what he wanted me to do or give me an ultimatum, I just knew what to do when I realized how it came across. Maybe she is clueless, so maybe you need to nudge her... BUT... watch the reaction (and her reaction so far has not been good from what you have shared). 

[TobyBoy]

Can you clarify, do y’all live together? Were the flowers sent to your home?

[mark clemson]

20 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

these things popping up aren’t helping and it’s not how I envisioned having to be a part of in my life, I don’t want to be going to counselling at 25 for a two year relationship, that just says we’re doomed to fail  ... it gets turned into me being horrible bringing up her past etc, but these things are happening in the present and she doesn’t seem to understand that 

Indeed, I think these things would cause (at least some) pressure on most relationships.

I didn't realize this was a 2 yr relationship only.  By all means, if you feel "she's the wrong girl" then DON'T make the commitment of marriage, kids, etc with her.  Dating is "tryouts" and I agree if CC is needed that early in that in itself is definitely a red flag.  If she is not the right person (in significant ways) then you probably are better off with someone else for the long haul. Perhaps that's what you're "figuring out" right now.

[WELLINGTON14]

15 minutes ago, TobyBoy said:

Can you clarify, do y’all live together? Were the flowers sent to your home?

Hi no we both live at our family homes, one time she messaged me asking if they were from me as they didn’t have a note but her grandma had just passed so I think it was assumed it was someone sending their respects, they were adressed to her but with no note attached, the second time I was at the house and they turned up on Valentine’s Day morning this time with a note saying from someone that cares xxx, that’s when we obviously looked into it and the florist said they were from the same sender which was affair partner, the florist is actually a family friend & local so it made it even more awkward

Edited December 7, 2021 by WELLINGTON14

[glows]

I don't think this will work. While you may repeat to yourself that you trust her (within your relationship), you don't trust her judgment overall or in the past. Whoever she is, you don't respect in entirety. It won't work this way as that wiggly niggling feeling at the back of your mind will continue to create problems for you. 

To be very honest I would not be able to date someone like this knowing that she/he hasn't closed that door or made more of an effort to move on from that chapter in her/his life. She may not be a terrible person to start but she also hasn't completely moved on or let go. I also don't date in the workplace so her choices would seem foreign to me and dissimilar. There are a number of reasons why you may not get along and other reasons you do. Feeling uneasy is not something I'd tolerate very well in a relationship so this wouldn't work in my view.

[WELLINGTON14]

9 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Indeed, I think these things would cause (at least some) pressure on most relationships.

I didn't realize this was a 2 yr relationship only.  By all means, if you feel "she's the wrong girl" then DON'T make the commitment of marriage, kids, etc with her.  Dating is "tryouts" and I agree if CC is needed that early in that in itself is definitely a red flag.  If she is not the right person (in significant ways) then you probably are better off with someone else for the long haul. Perhaps that's what you're "figuring out" right now.

Yeah I think that’s what all of this is really about tbh, more like I know this isn’t a normal situation & besides her past there’s just that feeling of maybe she isn’t right these extra things are sort of the icing & it’s just a shame because we do get on so well but something is just telling me no it’s like I have to people on my shoulder, one saying I’m overthinking she wouldn’t do that to you you have the same friends she’s not given you a reason to doubt it’s more the guys actions but on my other shoulder like why am I accepting these things not getting the answers I need & feeling guilty for questioning things I didn’t question her past until it came into the present & I don’t feel im wrong for doing that I really don’t, I shouldn’t have to tell someone what to do and I don’t want too, so I already feel at a loss 

[WELLINGTON14]

23 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I come from a different place these days after divorcing my ex-husband because of affairs and constant disrespect of my feelings. So with being said, I would explain how this makes me uncomfortable, and if things didn't change (he didn't take control of the situation), I would really reconsider if this relationship is worth pursuing any further. 

On the other hand, I have been in situations that were completely innocent (on my part) but where a guy was obviously making a move. I would play it down and try to ignore it because I hate to be rude (people pleaser issue here). But I started to realize that by trying to not be rude to these random people I didn't care for, I was disrespecting my BF and making him uncomfortable. And that woke me up. My BF meant the world to me, and I honestly never cared if I saw/talked to/whatever these people ever in my life again. It was an easy decision. I was just a little clueless for a second. 

What I am getting at is to maybe be firm and stand your ground about how you feel about this. Explain that by not putting an end to this, that it feels that she does not care about your feelings.  My BF did not have to tell me what he wanted me to do or give me an ultimatum, I just knew what to do when I realized how it came across. Maybe she is clueless, so maybe you need to nudge her... BUT... watch the reaction (and her reaction so far has not been good from what you have shared). 

Sorry to hear that can’t have been a nice experience at all, honestly the anxiety of building a future with someone for them to disrespect you in that way breaks my heart, but I think you hit the nail on the head with this response, she is a people pleaser and hates confrontation if she can avoid it she will, but me saying I’m uncomfortable about this makes her confrontational towards me, so it hurts it’s like you don’t want to offend anyone but it’s okay to offend me, I get what you mean by a nudge but I just don’t want to be accused of being controlling, I’d rather it be her decision but obviously through these conversations it doesn’t look likely she would do that, her reaction is deal with it or don’t & this is my job.

[TobyBoy]

I suggest you read all the threads below this one so can get an idea of how obsessed some get with their MM! 

[WELLINGTON14]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

I don't think this will work. While you may repeat to yourself that you trust her (within your relationship), you don't trust her judgment overall or in the past. Whoever she is, you don't respect in entirety. It won't work this way as that wiggly niggling feeling at the back of your mind will continue to create problems for you. 

To be very honest I would not be able to date someone like this knowing that she/he hasn't closed that door or made more of an effort to move on from that chapter in her/his life. She may not be a terrible person to start but she also hasn't completely moved on or let go. I also don't date in the workplace so her choices would seem foreign to me and dissimilar. There are a number of reasons why you may not get along and other reasons you do. Feeling uneasy is not something I'd tolerate very well in a relationship so this wouldn't work in my view.

Yeah and I think ultimately that’s the problem, while ever she works at this place and still has communication, it’s always gonna be a niggle & that’s not fair on either of us, she’s allowed to have made a mistake and move on from that & I don’t have a right to judge her on her past, I though it was all done with when I entered the relationship & trusted her completely but a year in when something happens like it did I couldn’t help feel like there was more to it it’s too random, like why now? 

From then I’ve just been battling my head and heart not too her because like I said the relationship is good and I love her so much that I wanted to just not cause or bring things up, but I’m at a point now where I know the communication is more in terms of emails & now a Christmas party where they can have drinks and talk, that makes me feel very uncomfortable & maybe over the top feeling that way, but it’s not like I can say no you’re not going there if he’s there it’s not my right & im not that guy, maybe I’m too nice 

I think I let things slide then when something gets to me I think about all the other stuff, piece it together more when I should confront it there and then

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

she’s not being sexually harassed as far as I know .if she’s welcoming contact that’s not harassment

She doesn't even know who the flowers were from so how is that "welcoming contact"?

Sexual harassment and stalking is precisely what this is. Even if their contact was consensual in the past, it no longer is thus it's sexual harassment in the workplace.

Stalking (google it) is sending unwanted gifts. You simply allow your ego to get in the way so much, beating her up about her past, calling her work place, etc. You need to educate yourself on what exactly sexual harassment at the workplace is and what exactly stalking is.

[WELLINGTON14]

8 minutes ago, TobyBoy said:

I suggest you read all the threads below this one so can get an idea of how obsessed some get with their MM! 

I don’t think I need any more anxiety 😂

[WELLINGTON14]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She doesn't even know who the flowers were from so how is that "welcoming contact"?

Sexual harassment and stalking is precisely what this is. Even if their contact was consensual in the past, it no longer is thus it's sexual harassment in the workplace.

Stalking (google it) is sending unwanted gifts. You simply allow your ego to get in the way so much, beating her up about her past, calling her work place, etc. You need to educate yourself on what exactly sexual harassment at the workplace is and what exactly stalking is.

You do understand that’s her decision to make I can’t go throwing around accusations of sexual harassment & strong arming my girlfriend into thinking that’s what’s happening to her.

1. I don’t know the guy but he’s clearly a creep if he can leave his wife and kids for a young girl at the time & persists to send flowers to that person if they haven’t given him a single too do so 

2. Maybe he feels he’s On a level with my girlfriend because she hasn’t fully cut it off so he thinks he’s got a chance & he’s not had any repercussions for doing so

So either he’s a weirdo stalker or he’s been made comfortable enough to send gifts I don’t know but I feel like you’re trying to argue with me, I’m not here to argue but get opinions and other peoples experiences to what they’ve been through and would do, relate it to my situation to know how to best handle this, rather than doing the wrong choice clearly in the past

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

I don’t know the guy but he’s clearly a creep

Exactly. The same type of creep who harasses and stalks and does creepy stuff like sending "guess who" stupid flowers.

You may try a softer more trusting touch with your GF and see if that helps more. 

She may not even know that this is harassment. She, like you may (falsely) believe that if it was consensual at one point it's never harassment. She, like you, may not be aware that sending unwanted gifts is stalking .

Research this together if you want to help her. It's better than acting jealous and controlling and accusatory.

Edited December 7, 2021 by Wiseman2

[LatinCoffee]

1 hour ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

Yeah the flowers out of the blue just seems so random & on Valentine’s Day, they said from someone who cares xxx, I don’t even know what that means but I don’t think that’s something you send on a bunch of flowers if you’re sure there’s no chance of anything happening & you just want a friendship, the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable I can’t put my finger on it as like I said I don’t believe anything physical has happened while we’ve been together, but I just feel like there needs to be a period of no contact to fully get over someone especially something as intimate as an affair, yet they still work together he asks how she’s doing and if she’s had a good weekend and vice versa i just don’t feel that’s right, she says she hates that guy wants nothing to do with him he’s disgusting etc but is talking to him at work like nothing ever happened?

Bud, Just go with these red flags and gut feelings with this. 

Though it's causing you all this stress and heartache because you love her, I think it's time to break this off for good. This has disrespect all over it!!