Girlfriend Slept with HR manager

[Uruktopi]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She doesn't even know who the flowers were from so how is that "welcoming contact"?

She din not know till she knew.

Since that point (of course not before) not rejecting in a visible explicit way what is not welcome is enough to make it welcome.

[WELLINGTON14]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. The same type of creep who harasses and stalks and does creepy stuff like sending "guess who" stupid flowers.

You may try a softer more trusting touch with your GF and see if that helps more. 

She may not even know that this is harassment. She, like you may (falsely) believe that if it was consensual at one point it's never harassment. She, like you, may not be aware that sending unwanted gifts is stalking .

Research this together if you want to help her. It's better than acting jealous and controlling and accusatory.

She’s fully aware what workplace harassment is, she told me she did a course on it & guess who ran that course HR guy so I don’t believe it’s that personally, I get your pov but no different angle to this

[WELLINGTON14]

7 minutes ago, LatinCoffee said:

Bud, Just go with these red flags and gut feelings with this. 

Though it's causing you all this stress and heartache because you love her, I think it's time to break this off for good. This has disrespect all over it!!

Thanks brother appreciate the advice

[WELLINGTON14]

7 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

She din not know till she knew.

Since that point (of course not before) not rejecting in a visible explicit way what is not welcome is enough to make it welcome.

I think the thing for me is he’s just been caught, he could leave gifts at work for all I know and it’s those sort of uncertainties & overthinking about what could be happening that drives me insane, if she’d have cut it and made it clear to him, then if anything persisted and it was communicated we could then take the next steps in dealing with it, that’s not the option I’m getting here so for me that makes me feel it’s welcomed 

[LatinCoffee]

7 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

I think the thing for me is he’s just been caught, he could leave gifts at work for all I know and it’s those sort of uncertainties & overthinking about what could be happening that drives me insane, if she’d have cut it and made it clear to him, then if anything persisted and it was communicated we could then take the next steps in dealing with it, that’s not the option I’m getting here so for me that makes me feel it’s welcomed 

Right. This troll is at fault but so is your gf for even getting involved. It takes two to tangle in an entanglement. 

I feel bad for his family & you as well. It's always the innocent that have to pay the price

Edited December 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

She’s fully aware what workplace harassment is, she told me she did a course on it & guess who ran that course HR guy 

He's a sleaze, no doubt. Now it's a matter of whether you believe and trust your GF as to if she still has something going on with him.

[WELLINGTON14]

7 hours ago, LatinCoffee said:

Right. This troll is at fault but so is your gf for even getting involved. It takes two to tangle in an entanglement. 

I feel bad for his family & you as well. It's always the innocent that have to pay the price

Yeah exactly just dissapointing I really am, I really tried literally not interested in anyone but her but I have a lot of self respect & it’s all just got abit silly, I’ve been autopiloting bypassing signals & im just like what am I doing 

Edited December 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language in quote

[WELLINGTON14]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's a sleaze, no doubt. Now it's a matter of whether you believe and trust your GF as to if she still has something going on with him.

I don’t believe there is, but I just don’t want the contact, because I feel he will take that and try his luck & were just gonna keep having this problem if the boundary isn’t set

[Allupinnit]

She needs to get another job.  You can't go fishing off the company pier, with a married man no less, and have everything just go back to "normal."  

[WELLINGTON14]

16 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

She needs to get another job.  You can't go fishing off the company pier, with a married man no less, and have everything just go back to "normal."  

I don’t think she’s actually faced any repercussions of the Affair, the wife told her boyfriend after finding him on Facebook & he finished her but they never actually sat down and had it out, she says she never even spoke to the married man when it all came out either just blocked him, that doesn’t seem normal to me so technically she’s just gone about things like nothing happened and not had to answer or deal with that situation head on, feel like I’m the ex that was cheated on because I’m dealing with the inevitable contact from the married man because he wasn’t cut off completely & put in his place 

Edited December 7, 2021 by WELLINGTON14

[AngryGromit]

7 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

fast forward a year and flowers start showing up at the door I didn’t question the first batch of anonymous flowers, but the second lot came on Valentine’s Day of this year ...

This is kinda bold, if he knows she's in a relationship to send flowers to her house? Of course that going to create all kinds of problems for her obviously. If they are fooling around behind your back, sending flower isn't exactly keeping things under the radar.  And sending flowers isn't a friend ship thing, it's a romantic thing. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by AngryGromit

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, AngryGromit said:

If they are fooling around behind your back, sending flower isn't exactly keeping things under the radar. 

Agree. This is why it smells more like harassment/stalking than someone who won't let go of some married creep. 

[Starswillshine]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. This is why it smells more like harassment/stalking than someone who won't let go of some married creep. 

But if that is the case, she would let him know it is not wanted. She would not tell her boyfriend to suck it up and deal with it. That seems like she wants it and is flattered by it. 

[WELLINGTON14]

5 hours ago, AngryGromit said:

This is kinda bold, if he knows she's in a relationship to send flowers to her house? Of course that going to create all kinds of problems for her obviously. If they are fooling around behind your back, sending flower isn't exactly keeping things under the radar.  And sending flowers isn't a friend ship thing, it's a romantic thing. 

Yeah and this is the point It’s like he’s obviously trying to cause issue but when I put it out there that it’s made me uncomfortable and it needs to be nipped in the bud, she turns on me like it’s in the past I don’t care just leave it and gets aggressive towards me, then to actively speak and be nice to him after all the problems he’s caused, just doesn’t make sense

Edited December 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[WELLINGTON14]

14 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

But if that is the case, she would let him know it is not wanted. She would not tell her boyfriend to suck it up and deal with it. That seems like she wants it and is flattered by it. 

Yeah I think people are missing the point it’s not about me thinking things are going on, it’s the enabling behaviour & not putting a stop to it for whatever reason, telling me you don’t talk or even see this guy at work, how sick it makes you feel what you did with him & how disgusting he is but not actually making that known to him because you think it will affect your job & make things uncomfortable for him, but doing nothing and making me feel uncomfortable is fine

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

But if that is the case, she would let him know it is not wanted. She would not tell her boyfriend to suck it up and deal with it. That seems like she wants it and is flattered by it. 

I agree it is too easy to shut this down in a polite and respectful way.  I think she likes the attention and is flattered by this.  It would've been too easy to tell him "thanks for the flowers but I don't want my bf to get the wrong impression and he did, so no more - please" and walk away.

[LatinCoffee]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree it is too easy to shut this down in a polite and respectful way.  I think she likes the attention and is flattered by this.  It would've been too easy to tell him "thanks for the flowers but I don't want my bf to get the wrong impression and he did, so no more - please" and walk away.

Exactly!!!

[WELLINGTON14]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree it is too easy to shut this down in a polite and respectful way.  I think she likes the attention and is flattered by this.  It would've been too easy to tell him "thanks for the flowers but I don't want my bf to get the wrong impression and he did, so no more - please" and walk away.

Yeah and she didn’t/doesn’t want to do that & is talking to him like nothing ever happened, I just think she’s giving the wrong impression and I don’t want to carry on if things don’t change tbh because I do find it disrespectful but I shouldn’t have to give ultimatums would’ve been nice for her to take this on and stop this on her terms, it shouldn’t & never should have been a problem if it was dealt with straight away and made clear I’d have no doubts & no worries what could potentially come down the line 

Edited December 7, 2021 by WELLINGTON14

[Allupinnit]

This is a huge lawsuit waiting to happen - getting flowers at home from the married HR guy you had an affair with?  

Oh the tangled webs we weave...

If nothing else I would be questioning your girlfriend's character and judgement.  Do you want to be married to the girl who slept with her married HR director?  I'll bet her coworkers know.  How embarrassing for you.

[Uruktopi]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my.............!

- It doesn´t seems at all that he, the BF, is making a case of the past relationship she had with the MM more than considering it a hint in his present ongoing motivations.

-  It doesn´t seems at all that he, the BF, thinks that she is still having the SAME KIND of relationship she had with the MM in th past.

-  It doesn´t seems at all that a lot here, if someone (and I do not), thinks that she is still having the SAME KIND of relationship she had with the MM in th past.

- So trust or the lack of it, defined as a believes about what is hidden in the present or may happen in the future does not apply to what is happening.

- Regarding what is visible and evident as facts, not acceptable ones no matter at all any interpretation of the mind intentions from anyone, what he may and should TRUST is all about her reaction to said  facts. Can he TRUST she will give such unambiguous answer? (YES / NO).

- My reserves seen in my above description of things (the "SAME KIND of relationship" thing) points to what is not clear to someones who focus in the unilaterality of the MM actions (flowers and so): there is still a kind of relationship besides the job related. The one defined by her reluctancy to put a clear end to the MM´s power game.

- To describe her alternative posible reasons for this is, by now, speculative. They will be better known by her following actions.

- The MM is performing a power game that, by the form it takes, is (for him) somehow erotized centered in overcoming her boundaries and disrespecting her partnership.

- Said erotized power game and his power to go on performing it should be broken.

- Her inner motivations (only weak character or either be flattered by the attention of two men, or either putting a higher value on her carreer than in her partnership or more probably a mix of them) will be more clear by her choice between the only two alternatives of action: to participate as main protagonist in breaking the ongoing abuse / harrassement / whatever OR to be an full accomplice of the MM´s game even if by inaction.

- IMO that choice should tell the original poster if his relationship with his GF is worth keeping. Or not.

That´s all folks!!! 

 

 

Edited December 7, 2021 by Uruktopi

[dramafreezone]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. The same type of creep who harasses and stalks and does creepy stuff like sending "guess who" stupid flowers.

You may try a softer more trusting touch with your GF and see if that helps more. 

She may not even know that this is harassment. She, like you may (falsely) believe that if it was consensual at one point it's never harassment. She, like you, may not be aware that sending unwanted gifts is stalking .

Research this together if you want to help her. It's better than acting jealous and controlling and accusatory.

She doesn't know who the flowers are from?  She doesn't know what harassment is?  It seems like we have to make a lot of unusual assumptions for her.  We're supposed to also believe that she didn't know that he was married.  Even still, this is someone that's engaged in dishonest behavior because at the least she cheated on her own boyfriend, and not taken full responsibility for it, she says that wasn't really her fault either.

She's an adult and presumably read the employee handbook.  These days Sexual Harassment courses are required for most jobs.  Pleading ignorance isn't an excuse, so the only question is why hasn't she reported him yet?

[basil67]

11 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

In this day and age if this guy is harassing her he would be fired quickly.  Companies these days don't play around with that.

 As this is a global site, I'd like to point out that this may not be true where the OP lives.

Where I live, the woman would likely get a payout and have to sign a non disclosure agreement.  He'd keep on working in the same job and she'd be prohibited from discussing it 🙄    So reporting sexual harassment won't necessarily have the desired result.  

[Uruktopi]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

...as to if she still has something going on with him.

And there is something going on.

Her refusal or at least scarce enthusiasm to put that intruder in his low place in a clear visible way.

Enough something, no matter the "inner" reasons and neither the pragmatics.

Edited December 8, 2021 by Uruktopi

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think these two are done with each other, OP. 

That's not say I think there is necessarily anything happening right now, but she has not closed that door. There is a reason for that. Her unwillingness to professionally and firmly tell him to stop sending her flowers is very telling. 

Sorry, man. 

[WELLINGTON14]

7 hours ago, Deckert said:

It's very unlikely she doesn't know who the flowers are from. Or she's involved with more than one other guy.

Either way there's a boatload of dishonesty on her part.

 

Well we had a call didn’t go to great, I was actually preparing for my grandads funeral the past week, so the timing of this isn’t great I told her I wasn’t happy and things needed to change, boundaries set etc, she just kicked off and said we’ve been over this you don’t trust me & I don’t trust you because you keep bringing it up & before I had chance to finish she said we’re over & hung up, about 4 hours later she messaged me asking to meet up, but it was late & I was up early for the funeral so that was my main priority so I was preparing for that as it’s been tough on my dad, so didn’t want to leave the house in the middle of the night wanted to be with my family, she messaged me saying I can’t believe you’ve torn us apart etc etc & I reacted wrongly tbh I just replied saying if you kept your knickers on at work we wouldn’t be in this situation, why are you still having contact & asking how his day is going and if he’s okay? She just didn’t answer and said we’re clearly never gonna get over this we don’t trust each other, I loveyou so much and I hope tomorrow goes okay at the funeral! 
I left it and I heard from her this morning just saying she sends her love I replied and said thanks but had no response all day/night since, she’s not even responded or sent messages to my family which she’s close to which I find disrespectful tbh regardless of our situation that’s not their fault.

Anyway not really sure where we go from here was never my intention for it to end like this, but she ended it on the phone and on text & sort of reversed it onto me again, didn’t answer or want to even suggest what we can do, so I don’t feel like it’s my place to reach out especially after being left on read since & not even asking me about how I was feeling at all today after burying my grandfather since this morning it’s 11:30 at night where I live so yeah feeling pretty shitty 

I know we’re arguing but her grandparents both passed this year & I was with her everyday and went to the funerals to help her through it & she’s taken no interest in my loss which hurts tbh