Girlfriend Slept with HR manager

[WELLINGTON14]

23 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

She doesn't know who the flowers are from?  She doesn't know what harassment is?  It seems like we have to make a lot of unusual assumptions for her.  We're supposed to also believe that she didn't know that he was married.  Even still, this is someone that's engaged in dishonest behavior because at the least she cheated on her own boyfriend, and not taken full responsibility for it, she says that wasn't really her fault either.

She's an adult and presumably read the employee handbook.  These days Sexual Harassment courses are required for most jobs.  Pleading ignorance isn't an excuse, so the only question is why hasn't she reported him yet?

Yeah I think this is the part I struggle with there’s a lot of assumptions for these things to all coincidentally line up & none of it be her fault, like I said I don’t want to punish the girl & I don’t envy anyone that’s in an abusive relationship and does what they need to, to get out, but she had a choice she lived with her parents and wasn’t reliant on her ex for anything, him feigning suicide as low as that is, how having an affair would help I don’t quite understand & I’ve heard her say she’s wrong for what she did & feels sick thinking about it but actions speak louder than words & I do feel uneasy with that behaviour if it’s creeping into my present, that’s not me hating on someone’s past, these things are happening now from a previous relationship & it’s not fair I’m worrying about other peoples actions when I know mine have been nothing but sincere, other people are just struggling with their loyalties/morals

[WELLINGTON14]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think these two are done with each other, OP. 

That's not say I think there is necessarily anything happening right now, but she has not closed that door. There is a reason for that. Her unwillingness to professionally and firmly tell him to stop sending her flowers is very telling. 

Sorry, man. 

This is how I feel, if this experience was so traumatic you hate this guy for supposedly lying to you about being married, it’s disgusted you & makes you feel sick, surely you wouldn’t even want to be near this person, especially not emailing at work like nothing ever happened asking how each other’s day/ weekends have been, none of it makes sense & I just feel dumb I didn’t question it all at the start of the relationship in hindsight, but I didn’t want to start judging someone and interrogating when we get on so well & I believed her when she said it was in the past & that’s hers alone nothing to do with me, but once it starts coming into the present I feel it’s reasonable to ask to why it’s happening now and set some boundaries, which doesn’t seem to be acknowledged, then as time goes on I’ve just started to question more parts of the story like was this a lie, I point blank asked her when I found this all out & the flowers started showing up if she knew the guy was married when she got involved she said no, but I don’t know if I even believe that anymore

[basil67]

About not knowing who the flowers were from, it's happened to me so I have no reason to doubt that others have received mystery flowers.

However, in my case, I called my boyfriend to thank him.  But it turns out that he didn't send the flowers.  So I called my ex and it turns out that he sent the flowers.  I was furious and let him know *exactly* what I thought.  This is likely what you wish your girlfriend had done.  

But it's so much more tricky in a work place.  At the very least, she should have politely but firmly told him that it was inappropriate and not to do it again.  Would this have been a suitable outcome for you?   Regarding the Xmas party, if partners aren't invited, you'll simply have to work out if you can trust her.   And if you can't trust her, then you may as well end the relationship now....because if there's no trust, then there's just nothing.  

Edit to add: I just saw that your relationship may be over.  If you're going to start up again, you'll have to work out whether or not you can let this go.  At this point, it sounds like you can't let it go, so best to keep it ended

Edited December 8, 2021 by basil67

[WELLINGTON14]

8 hours ago, Deckert said:

It's very unlikely she doesn't know who the flowers are from. Or she's involved with more than one other guy.

Either way there's a boatload of dishonesty on her part.

 

Yeah I’m pretty 100 on it being this guy as it was confirmed by the florist & he admitted it on the phone, but when the second lot of flowers arrived she took the tag off them & didn’t think I’d seen, she said she only did it because she panicked and didn’t know how I’d react so she said they were for her mum from her dad, I called her out & said I’ve just seen you hide the tag, so I knew they were for her & she claimed she had no idea at the time who they were from & neither did I, but there was only 1 suspect that jumped to my mind which like I said was later confirmed, but even that act seemed shady at the time trying to hide the tag & the first set of flowers that came a few months before supposedly never came with a tag, but now when i look back you start seeing things differently & I know she’s capable of hiding that from me now so maybe the first set did & she just didn’t want to say, so much has gone on & it’s reached a point everything that’s ever been said I’m feeling like I’ve lived and gone along with lies constantly without realising, because I just didn’t want to spoil things we never argue or anything, no toxicity just genuine love so I don’t want to think those negative things, but it’s just reached a point of like hopelessness so many questions with no answers, feel like I’m in an impossible situation, I’m not someone that likes arguing and stress so for me to get angry and make my point isn’t me, I don’t need it

[WELLINGTON14]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

About not knowing who the flowers were from, it's happened to me so I have no reason to doubt that others haven't received mystery flowers.

However, in my case, I called my boyfriend to thank him.  But it turns out that he didn't send the flowers.  So I called my ex and it turns out that he sent the flowers.  I was furious and let him know *exactly* what I thought.  This is likely what you wish your girlfriend had done.  

But it's so much more tricky in a work place.  At the very least, she should have politely but firmly told him that it was inappropriate and not to do it again.  Would this have been a suitable outcome for you?   Regarding the Xmas party, if partners aren't invited, you'll simply have to work out if you can trust her.   And if you can't trust her, then you may as well end the relationship now....because if there's no trust, then there's just nothing.  

 

Yeah that’s literally all I wanted for her to take matters in to her own hands and her to deal with it not just for my sake but for her own sake, if she truly wants to be happy and move on, why would you not want to close such a traumatic experience whether that be with me or future relationships, not necessarily fussed about the Xmas party, I know there’s going to be events & certain things are unavoidable and I’ve trusted her & tbf the last event she said if he was going she wouldn’t attend so I’ve got to give credit I never asked for that, that was off her own back, so I could assume the same would happen for this next party whether she’s doing that for my sake, hers or both I’d never ask her not to see her work friends and have a good time because of one guy, but of course there’s a slight uncomfortableness about them being around each other.

but I can’t lie and say I fully trust her because of all this other stuff & her reaction and being in this forum, I came here to see if I had any warrant for the way I felt or if I was overreacting seen some great viewpoints & Thankyou for yours!

[dramafreezone]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

 As this is a global site, I'd like to point out that this may not be true where the OP lives.

Where I live, the woman would likely get a payout and have to sign a non disclosure agreement.  He'd keep on working in the same job and she'd be prohibited from discussing it 🙄    So reporting sexual harassment won't necessarily have the desired result.  

Well until the OP confirms that your case is similar to where he lives, I'm going to opereate under the assumption that she won't be discriminated against for reporting sexual harassment.  If we get new information then I'll revise my position.

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Well until the OP confirms that your case is similar to where he lives, I'm going to opereate under the assumption that she won't be discriminated against for reporting sexual harassment.  If we get new information then I'll revise my position.

I only pointed it out because the OP uses some British/Australian phrasing.   If he is indeed Australian, then the difference is very relevant to him...and I have no idea how it works in the UK and I'm not going to guess.     FWIW, I didn't know that the Non Disclosure was a thing here until a few weeks ago and that's only because its been raised as an issue as it adds to the secretism which protect perps.

Anyway, it's a moot point until his whereabouts are disclosed.

Edited December 9, 2021 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

I know we’re arguing but her grandparents both passed this year & I was with her everyday and went to the funerals to help her through it & she’s taken no interest in my loss which hurts tbh 

I am sorry for your loss, OP. I have also very recently lost a family member and it's tough. 

I think her lack of care at this time combined with the ongoing drama with her former AP signal the end of this relationship. You two are not at all on the same page and have incompatible expectations and boundaries within the relationship. 

Personally, I would move on. The chances of this working out well now are slim-to-none and it's not worth the emotional distress to you. 

[WELLINGTON14]

6 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Well until the OP confirms that your case is similar to where he lives, I'm going to opereate under the assumption that she won't be discriminated against for reporting sexual harassment.  If we get new information then I'll revise my position.

I’m from the UK

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

she just kicked off and said we’ve been over this you don’t trust me & I don’t trust you because you keep bringing it up 

Unfortunately she's right. You don't trust her and you're still beating a dead horse about it.

End it before it gets more out of hand. Free yourselves from this mutual distrust and disrespect.

Stay single for a while. Reflect on what type of women you date and if you want games or trustworthy relationships.

[stillafool]

On 12/7/2021 at 7:08 PM, dramafreezone said:

She doesn't know who the flowers are from? 

Call the florist they will tell you who they are from.

[stillafool]

On 12/7/2021 at 2:08 PM, WELLINGTON14 said:

I don’t believe there is, but I just don’t want the contact, because I feel he will take that and try his luck & were just gonna keep having this problem if the boundary isn’t set

Stop putting the blame on him, he isn't the one in a relationship with you.  He's going to shoot his shot and if she's game she will go for it. He is a sleaze who cheats on his family and that's his wife's problem.  Your problem is your gf and her lack of boundaries and desire for attention from sleazy men.  If it wasn't this guy it would be someone else.  The only person you should have a beef with is your girl.

[Uruktopi]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

About not knowing who the flowers were from, it's happened to me so I have no reason to doubt that others have received mystery flowers.

However, in my case, I called my boyfriend to thank him.  But it turns out that he didn't send the flowers.  So I called my ex and it turns out that he sent the flowers.  I was furious and let him know *exactly* what I thought.  This is likely what you wish your girlfriend had done.  

Standing applauses!

[glows]

15 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

Yeah I think this is the part I struggle with there’s a lot of assumptions for these things to all coincidentally line up & none of it be her fault, like I said I don’t want to punish the girl & I don’t envy anyone that’s in an abusive relationship and does what they need to, to get out, but she had a choice she lived with her parents and wasn’t reliant on her ex for anything, him feigning suicide as low as that is, how having an affair would help I don’t quite understand & I’ve heard her say she’s wrong for what she did & feels sick thinking about it but actions speak louder than words & I do feel uneasy with that behaviour if it’s creeping into my present, that’s not me hating on someone’s past, these things are happening now from a previous relationship & it’s not fair I’m worrying about other peoples actions when I know mine have been nothing but sincere, other people are just struggling with their loyalties/morals

I would worry that this uneasy feeling go unchecked and continue sadly and turn a person into someone they no longer recognize (ie turn you into someone you'd rather not be whether it's paranoid, controlling or overboard in some way the longer time goes on). Why would you live in chronic worry and frustration over a situation that you are unable to change? It's really her personality that you don't get along with but I can imagine how painful this is because you love your gf and accept her in many other ways. 

I agree with the earlier comments about trust and if it's not there, the relationship is already over and limping along. Set yourself free. Either trust her implicitly or end the relationship and free yourself.

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Either trust her implicitly or end the relationship and free yourself.

Trust is earned.  So I agree OP needs to just part ways because he's not going to be able to reconcile his affection for her with the examples of dishonesty she's demonstrated.

[AngryGromit]

On 12/7/2021 at 10:59 PM, basil67 said:

 As this is a global site, I'd like to point out that this may not be true where the OP lives.

Where I live, the woman would likely get a payout and have to sign a non disclosure agreement.  He'd keep on working in the same job and she'd be prohibited from discussing it 🙄    So reporting sexual harassment won't necessarily have the desired result.  

Going to really depend on the company, most companies do not tolerate this kind of harassment,  being he's from HR, you would think he have more careful about something like this. There are some companies where they turn a blind eye towards sexual harassment, maybe he works for Blizzard, they are reported to be more open to this sort of thing. With a documented evidence and a good lawyer, the skies the limit for damages in a sexual harassment lawsuit where management doesn't step in to prevent it, not to mention company rep damage.  

[basil67]

2 hours ago, AngryGromit said:

Going to really depend on the company, most companies do not tolerate this kind of harassment,  being he's from HR, you would think he have more careful about something like this. There are some companies where they turn a blind eye towards sexual harassment, maybe he works for Blizzard, they are reported to be more open to this sort of thing. With a documented evidence and a good lawyer, the skies the limit for damages in a sexual harassment lawsuit where management doesn't step in to prevent it, not to mention company rep damage.  

You're taking a very US centric view.   "The sky's the limit" for damages is a US thing.   Your country has a reputation for being particularly litigious...but many other places don't have nearly the same kind of payouts which you do.  

Be careful about the legal advice you give to international posters.   

[AngryGromit]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

You're taking a very US centric view.   "The sky's the limit" for damages is a US thing.   Your country has a reputation for being particularly litigious...but many other places don't have nearly the same kind of payouts which you do.  

Point taken, recently a jury in Texas awarded a family killed by a drunk driver 300 billion dollars, but it was more symbolic, not even Elon Musk could pay that amount. 

Edited December 12, 2021 by AngryGromit

[petee]

On 12/9/2021 at 8:04 AM, WELLINGTON14 said:

I’m from the UK

Mate, how’s it going? This is a sad state of affairs, but hopefully the Xmas party passed without incident or suspicion.

He’s off side, but your gf hasn’t done you any favours. At 22/23 they aren’t confident, but at 25 sh should be, and she should be acting on your behalf.

UK HR is not like US HR, you don’t lose your job for fraternising with a colleague; what you do lose is your relationship. Whilst it’s unpalatable keep that as an option, you do not want to be worrying about being the second port of call. 
stand firm, and perhaps word the question ‘if I was to do that with my ex…’.

Do not be trodden on, once the first heel hits your forehead the next will hit your groin.

[pepperbird2]

First off, how do you actually know any of her story about her "abusive ex" is even true? Did you see it? Did others? Are you just going on her story? Get that sorted. I'd always question a story like this-it may be true, or it may also just be an excuse for cheating.

Second, it;s pretty obvious you don;t trust her and that's totally understandable.  wouldn't either. that beings aid, it's not much of a foundation for a new relationship. HAve you given thought to getting some counseling for the two of you to help you move past this, if you think it's worth doing so?

[pepperbird2]

On 12/8/2021 at 7:31 PM, WELLINGTON14 said:

Well we had a call didn’t go to great, I was actually preparing for my grandads funeral the past week, so the timing of this isn’t great I told her I wasn’t happy and things needed to change, boundaries set etc, she just kicked off and said we’ve been over this you don’t trust me & I don’t trust you because you keep bringing it up & before I had chance to finish she said we’re over & hung up, about 4 hours later she messaged me asking to meet up, but it was late & I was up early for the funeral so that was my main priority so I was preparing for that as it’s been tough on my dad, so didn’t want to leave the house in the middle of the night wanted to be with my family, she messaged me saying I can’t believe you’ve torn us apart etc etc & I reacted wrongly tbh I just replied saying if you kept your knickers on at work we wouldn’t be in this situation, why are you still having contact & asking how his day is going and if he’s okay? She just didn’t answer and said we’re clearly never gonna get over this we don’t trust each other, I loveyou so much and I hope tomorrow goes okay at the funeral! 
I left it and I heard from her this morning just saying she sends her love I replied and said thanks but had no response all day/night since, she’s not even responded or sent messages to my family which she’s close to which I find disrespectful tbh regardless of our situation that’s not their fault.

Anyway not really sure where we go from here was never my intention for it to end like this, but she ended it on the phone and on text & sort of reversed it onto me again, didn’t answer or want to even suggest what we can do, so I don’t feel like it’s my place to reach out especially after being left on read since & not even asking me about how I was feeling at all today after burying my grandfather since this morning it’s 11:30 at night where I live so yeah feeling pretty shitty 

I know we’re arguing but her grandparents both passed this year & I was with her everyday and went to the funerals to help her through it & she’s taken no interest in my loss which hurts tbh 

So she's the one with the checkered past and she gets ticked at you when you want some reassurance?
That tells me all I need to know.
Walk away. Walk away fast. She really doens't have an issue with what she did, and if that's he case, you can never trust her.

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi guys so just an update as you all took the time to reply and I appreciate that so only right I let you know 6 months later how things are, unfortunately we are no longer together aside from the previous problems discussed on this forum, my girlfriend was actually very loving towards me & I genuinely do think she wanted the best for me and she showed that numerous times since we had the problems, the only thing is there was 2 people, there’s been a few occasions over the course of the relationship where she went out & got blackout drunk ringing me to fetch her in a really bad state, this would end in me being verbally abused on the way home told she didn’t want to be with, telling me [ ]. 

I know this so freshly because a month before the split at the start of April, I decided to record one of her outbursts when I went to pick her up, to show her because she would usually wake up like nothing had happened, she initially hit one of my guy friends as he was coming out to say hello, and on the car journey back was saying all the above stuff + the added bonus of physical abuse punching hitting me and kicking me as I drove her home as well as smashing the inside of my car, this was the point I had to say no more it took a lot of courage but I saw a side of her which was more in line with her past & somebody that I didn’t love I actually used to sit up after she’d fallen to sleep & think what am I doing I deserve more & I saw the real her in these moments and I had to make a decision because it was a step too far!

It does seem a shame as I actually got past the previous cheating situation and just embraced her as a new person a lot of you said you can’t judge someone by their past and I loved her from scratch after I read that & gave her that opportunity believed that it was the other guy pursuing her and not the other way round & I actually believe that was the case I never saw any signs of anything more after I nipped that in the bud & things were good up until the drunken outbursts, she begged for me back and I understand because we are very close and I will miss her she was involved with my family & friends as we live in the same village but ultimately i knew I was signing up for a lifetime of misery, I was apprehensive about what girlfriend I was getting after a night out the loving sweet one I’d grown to love or someone that seemed to hate me so much & after a while that chipped away to a point of me thinking I don’t want to take those next steps of being tied down to this person for problems to carry on persisting no matter how much I love and cared for her & still do, I hope I haven’t made a mistake I’ve spoken to many people and the overriding factor is if the roles were reversed and I was abusive to her, people would be telling her to leave ASAP & maybe even further than that with charges if I raised my fist to a woman so from that perspective I felt I had no choice & it’s honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do because I know she’s broken & I can’t help her anymore.

Thanks again guys!

Edited May 31, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[glows]

I’m glad you’ve moved on. Be sure not to date similar individuals with these issues again. Break those patterns once and for all. All the best. 

[mark clemson]

She sounds like the female version of a "mean drunk" so probably best you are done with her. No point in signing up for verbal abuse that you'll remember the next day but she won't. The hostility and negativity are coming from somewhere, even if that somewhere isn't what she actually intends and, possibly, in fact have little to do with you. She may need therapy for whatever her emotional issues are and to quit drinking before she can be a good partner.

Edited May 30, 2022 by mark clemson

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi guys, I just came back to this thread because it always annoys me when people don’t finish the story or hear the finality, it’s been 8 months since my last post, I am of course single & have had no contact with my ex, she has tried to reach out but for me when it’s over it’s over & the problems in my eyes were unresolvable due to the lack of trust, I just wanted to thank you all for getting me through a tough time & stopping me from going crazy!  
I think the funny part regardless of everything is the love I had for someone & respect I still had but i did lose mutual ‘friends’ over this decision & people talking bad about me for ending an unhealthy relationship because I stuck to my boundaries, the straw the broke the camels back which I don’t think I mentioned was her blackout drunken behaviour which resulted in her verbally & physically abusing me after a night out when I picked her up & her parents had to intervene & apologised for her behaviour, which she never used to remember, none of this which I shared with anyone or my friends because I just wanted it all to be a bad dream, after investing time into someone you thought you knew, I did record this one time  & send it to her to see how she treat me on top of the main issues we spoke about, because enough was enough.

There’s times I have felt upset & questioned myself mainly because maybe I respect myself a lot & I was more angry at losing that and was choosing what I thought was love & fixing someone, over my own health, but mainly because I saw the good in someone but couldn’t save them & was hurting myself in the process & the backlash I’ve faced because people don’t know the full story but I’m not a vindictive person & took the lies & hate from others so she could move on with her life & not be sucked into drama, she did apologise & wanted to reconcile which I never responded too because the disrespect was too much & I would’ve never said a bad word to other about OUR relationship, but it has affected me, I’ve dated - been to therapy & tried to move on with my life reassuring myself it was the right decision which I firmly believe, I guess I just want people to read this as an example to know it’s okay to be sad even though you’re a good person & you do deserve more, if anyone ever wants to reach out and talk I’m only a message away & im so thankful for everyone’s opinion because perspective is everything especially when the way I went about things wasn’t always the best it’s what got me the closure I needed, stand on your morals, boundaries & integrity and do not compromise or think you’re in the wrong for saving yourself a lifetime of hurt, take the L in the short term, I will find my person when the times right so don’t settle because of fear.