Should I feel guilty?

[Divorcedmom21]

About two years ago after 19 years of marriage my ex husband and I decided to separate and divorce. I thought this was my idea. He worked out of town and was only home 3 days a month. I felt neglected and I begged for his attention. He had changed so much over the last two years of our marriage. We were occasional social drinkers, but he had started drinking daily. First it was beer at dinner with coworkers and clients, then it was whiskey. He called me after dinner every night and was often drunk and then driving to his hotel. I was not okay with that. We had actually made an agreement to not get drunk without each other early in our relationship because we had seen so many relationships fail due to choices made while drunk. 
anyway I had told him I was tired of living like a single mother with a husband who goes out drinking every night while I’m caring for our kids and home. I started talking to another guy and he started talking to a waitress from the bar and grill he had eaten at every day for the previous year. This was odd to me but it wasn’t my concern anymore. After about two months we both decided we made a mistake and called off our divorce. We tried to reconcile but I became increasingly suspicious of his relationship with the waitress. I began to dig into his internet history and found out he had been talking to her for months prior to our separation, he even sent her flowers on Valentine’s Day while he was taking me on a romantic weekend trip. This was too much for me to handle. I had asked him to be completely honest, we were starting new and I didn’t want any lies. He couldn’t do that. So I messaged the girl, according to both of them there was no sex prior to our split but they had been talking for months. He refused to go to counseling after this and things were very toxic. So I left, and after 19 years we officially divorced. 
 

I was so broken. I ran into the arms of my rebound. He was an amazing guy and gave me all of the attention I ever wanted. We very quickly married and for months everything seemed fine. Then the holidays came around. My ex used my daughter as a means to talk to me on my birthday which is a week before Christmas. He was crying and told me he couldn’t handle not telling me happy birthday. Christmas wasn’t any better. We did gifts together with my new husband and our kids. It was awkward and my ex husband messaged me and said he spent the day crying. He had spent years complaining about my holiday spirit and all of the decorations I bought and hung up but now he misses me and all of those things.

It has been a rough year since then and here we are back at the holidays. He has dated two women and can’t find happiness.  He has also been arrested twice this year, once for a dui and once for public drunkenness. He called me crying after each one telling me he is a mess without me. I feel partially responsible. We were a team for almost twenty years and I was always there when he needed me and now his world is falling apart. I feel like it’s my fault. I divorced him, I gave up on him and I got remarried. I feel like I am still in love with him most of the time. I don’t think we could have saved our marriage with him living the way he does and refusing to go to counseling. He has told me multiple times if I leave my current husband and give him another chance he would be the best husband this time. 
 

I know I can be happy with my current husband but I’m not and I don’t know if it’s guilt over my ex or that I am not in love with him. He does everything possible to make me happy. I have expressed all of these feelings to him. He knows that I am not over my previous marriage and I feel bad for my ex. He thinks my ex is trying to guilt and manipulate me. I honestly feel like he just realized the grass wasn’t greener and is just going through the motions of life.