My ex got married, and I'm hurting a lot

[sedgwick]

Hi again. I was here 15 years ago, after the breakup of a 10-month relationship I've mourned ever since. I just found out he got married.

He dumped me suddenly one morning, after telling me the night before that he loved me. The next day, he told me he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't a musician, like he is. I'm a writer, which wasn't a valid enough art form for him. I carefully composed so many fun emails to him when he was on the road (he toured most of the time), but he never responded. One time I was telling him how much a book meant to me, and he said, "You and your words." It was okay; I knew that music meant to him what words meant to me, and I let it go. But he couldn't love me because I wasn't a musician.

The worst part was that he went on and on about how he couldn't tell a lie. The name of his recording business was, in fact, a reference to his truthfulness. But he told me the two most devastating lies I've ever been told: "I love you," and "I'm never getting married." My last words to him were, "I love you unconditionally, always, for exactly who you are." Then he took my keys off his keychain, dropped them on my desk, and walked out the door, never to be seen again.

I've respected the fact that he doesn't want to hear from me. I haven't stalked him. I haven't contacted him. But I've kept my promise to love him, because I don't want to be the one who lied. I haven't been on a date since he left. 

Well, so, he's married now, and she's gorgeous and skinny and rich and Asian (he really likes Asian women, which I'm not, so I think that must have been part of the problem). She's better than me in every way, by leaps and bounds. And while I'm happy he finally found the woman he deserves, I'm devastated. Love isn't part of my life anymore, but I'm glad he lets her love him like I did. She posted engagement photos on her Twitter (I figured out her name), and said, "I'm marrying the love of my life," then told the really cute, sweet story of how he proposed.

He's the love of my life too, but I'm all alone with that. 

Someone asked me out for coffee the other day, and I find them attractive, but I don't feel like I can go, because that would mean breaking my promise. That would make me a liar. And I'm DETERMINED to be the one who told the truth.

I could use any advice you can give. Please, please don't respond if you're just going to tell me how messed up I am or how pathological it is that I'm still faithful to him. Believe me, nothing you could say to me could be worse than what I've been saying to myself for the last decade and a half. 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry for your pain.  Why would you promise to always love someone who does not love you?  You put a terrible burden on yourself by doing that.  It's been 15 years and he's gone on with his life and forgotten about the past he had with you but you've allowed your heart to be chained to someone who is not there.  15 years ago he may have thought he would not ever marry but found someone who changed his mind, not that he lied about it.  For 15 years you have been the only one holding yourself to your "truth".  He had moved on and forgotten about you.   I think it would help you tremendously to get into therapy to finally put him behind you so you can find happiness.

Edited December 7, 2021 by stillafool

[sedgwick]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry for your pain.  Why would you promise to always love someone who does not love you?  You put a terrible burden on yourself by doing that.  It's been 10 years and he's gone on with his life and forgotten about the past he had with you but you've allowed your heart to be chained to someone who is not there.  10 years ago he may have thought he would not ever marry but found someone who changed his mind, not that he lied about it.   I think it would help you tremendously to get into therapy to finally put him behine you.

Thank you for responding. I really appreciate it. And it's been 15 years, as sad as that is. I've done so much therapy, but it hasn't really helped. I still love him.

I promised to always love him because I always will. And I'm really, really determined not to be the liar here. I know he probably doesn't even remember me anymore, but I've still kept my promise. I don't know how not to love the love of my life anymore.

[LynneVicious]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

I'm sorry for your pain.  Why would you promise to always love someone who does not love you?  You put a terrible burden on yourself by doing that.  It's been 15 years and he's gone on with his life and forgotten about the past he had with you but you've allowed your heart to be chained to someone who is not there.  15 years ago he may have thought he would not ever marry but found someone who changed his mind, not that he lied about it.  For 15 years you have been the only one holding yourself to your "truth".  He had moved on and forgotten about you.   I think it would help you tremendously to get into therapy to finally put him behind you so you can find happiness.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Op, you’re martyring yourself. I believe he told the truth… at the time, as stillafool said. Situations change, as his did. It’s not fair to you to completely shut off any potential suitor because of a ‘promise’. 

Promises like the one you made are usually meant to mean while you’re together. Marriages are ‘til death Sonia part’, but many many get divorced. You cant stay together til death if your spouse abuses you or cheats on you or abandons you or falls in love with someone else. 

He ended the relationship because your goals and interests didn’t align with his. I know it hurts that he’s now married, but you’re only harming yourself by keeping this ‘promise’. You could miss a fantastic relationship with somone exactly on your level and have a love of the centuries, but you won’t because of this promise you made him. 

You wont be breaking your promise to him as he broke his and severed your relationship. That has frees you to grieve, move on and find someone else. 

I truly hope you find peace with this. 

[kendahke]

35 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Op, you’re martyring yourself.

Precisely.

OP, stop playing the martyr. He doesn't want or require your devotion and whether or not you hold to these emotional shackles you've placed on yourself doesn't change the fact that he's not caring whether you wither away on the vine of hope or get on with your life and meet someone far more deserving of what you have to offer. This isn't a marriage and you took no vow before God. Changing your mind isn't lying.  It was true at one time, but things have drastically changed and therefore rendered not true anymore.

Youth is a finite commodity. Don't squander it behind someone who has moved forward with his life and found his happiness while you waste away in misery, losing your youth on a daily basis. Those days are never going to return.

[Pumpernickel]

I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been enduring. There are these special kinds of loves that we’ll never forget. But after 15 years of suffering, I think you’re just making excuses. You don’t want to date. Fine. Don’t.
But you can decide to date, anytime, any day, because this is your life. He doesn’t care whether or not you’re dating, right? And yes, you made a promise, but your promise to love him forever doesn’t make you a liar, if you decide to go on a date and meet interesting men. Trust me - your ex won’t care, and if he does, tough s***.
 

And guess what: You can love him forever and still date. Eg - If somebody loses a spouse & they tell the spouse on their deathbed that they’ll “love them forever”, they’re not lying. They keep their deceased spouse in their heart, they feel the love - yes, forever, because they lost someone dear and special to them -, but some of them will go on dates, will online date, some will even remarry. Doesn’t mean they lied.  
 

Don’t use your promise as an excuse to self-isolate. You’re not a recluse. Men are  interested in you. Ask yourself what really keeps you from meeting somebody new, and getting to know them? Are you insecure? Do you think you’re not pretty enough? Out of practice? Out of shape? Do you think you’re boring? Try to answer these questions. Maybe in counseling. 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Alvi]

Oh, wow, honey, this is no way to live. You were never married to this guy. This is someone whom you dated for only 10 month. In a grand scheme of things it is not that long. You don't owe him any of your loyalty or undying devotion. You owe him nothing at all. Please, please, I beg you, seek a phycologist to help you to move on. You may cherish what you had with him forever, but maybe pile these memories in a small storage box in your head someplace. Get new memories and experiences. You have to start living and moving on.

Edited December 8, 2021 by Alvi

[ExpatInItaly]

Stay where you are if you want. 

But understand that on some level, you are choosing this. Maybe you are afraid of being rejected again. Maybe you are afraid you won't find love again. So you cut yourself off and hide from the world because that's become your (dis)Comfort Zone. It's easier to wallow rather than take risks. 

But if you choose to continue this way,  I would ask yourself why you complain when you are actively feeding your own pain. What do you gain, and are you actually doing what your therapists have recommended? You say you haven't stalked him but you somehow figured out his wife's name 15 years later. So how did you come by this information? 

[sedgwick]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would ask yourself why you complain when you are actively feeding your own pain. What do you gain, and are you actually doing what your therapists have recommended? You say you haven't stalked him but you somehow figured out his wife's name 15 years later. So how did you come by this information? 
 

A mutual friend posted pictures from their wedding on Facebook. 

My therapists have recommended getting out and dating again, and I get frustrated with them for not being willing to address the fact that I'm ugly and undateable. What I wanted help with was making peace with living the rest of my life without love. They kept acting like I could get a date if I wanted one, and it just became pointless. 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by sedgwick

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, sedgwick said:

They kept acting like I could get a date if I wanted one, and it just became pointless. 

But according to your own post, you can get a date: 

22 hours ago, sedgwick said:

Someone asked me out for coffee the other day, and I find them attractive, but I don't feel like I can go, because that would mean breaking my promise.

It is you who is choosing this. You have to drop the victim role and start taking accountability for your own choices. The world is not against you - you are. 

[Traveller]

18 minutes ago, sedgwick said:

What I wanted help with was making peace with living the rest of my life without love

People can show you the path but it is your decision to walk it, bet there are thousands on your home town plus lots of online apps nowadays. It won't be an easy road but some day you may find someone who pushes your button the right way...You just need to release your breaks.

[notbroken]

You've built this guy up in your mind as 'the one'.   Honestly, he never was.   You dated him for 10 months 15 years ago (ie. not really that long).    He moved on and what he does is no longer relevant.  At all.  Not who he marries, not where he lives, his profession - anything.    You should have moved on 15 years ago when he did instead of dwelling on it for so long.   It does seem you need some help with that.   Please don't think you are 'too ugly' to date.   The world is full of people that don't exactly look like Megan Fox and/or Tom Cruise who find dates and love.   Don't use it as an excuse to be miserable.   Finally put this behind you and go forward - and date if you want.    

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, sedgwick said:

A mutual friend posted pictures from their wedding on Facebook. 

My therapists have recommended getting out and dating again, and I get frustrated with them for not being willing to address the fact that I'm ugly and undateable. What I wanted help with was making peace with living the rest of my life without love. They kept acting like I could get a date if I wanted one, and it just became pointless. 

 

You absolutely can get a date if you want one.  You don't want to date and that's okay but you have to direct your attention to something else besides your ex.  That bridge has burned and he's gone.  What are you going to do now?

[Allupinnit]

This sounds really unhealthy and obsessive.  

[Els]

Oh, Sedgwick. You were only together for 10 months... not even a year. Were you even living together yet? There's no way you could have possibly known the real him. And people always put their best face up on facebook, but there's so much beneath the surface that you don't know. He might be a deadbeat in massive debt who expects his partner to pay for everything AND do all the housework. He could be abusive once he feels like he's in an established relationship. The two of them might be arguing every day, or one of them might already have cheated on the other. In the last 15 years he might have become an alcoholic with perpetual ED. So on and so forth.

You are in love with an illusion. A fantasy person whom you are creating in your head, whom you started creating in your head 15 years ago. You can do better. Please don't throw away the next 15 years of your life over this illusion.

[glows]

On 12/7/2021 at 7:17 AM, sedgwick said:

Thank you for responding. I really appreciate it. And it's been 15 years, as sad as that is. I've done so much therapy, but it hasn't really helped. I still love him.

I promised to always love him because I always will. And I'm really, really determined not to be the liar here. I know he probably doesn't even remember me anymore, but I've still kept my promise. I don't know how not to love the love of my life anymore.

Do you mind explaining this a bit more? The guy seems a bit strange going on about lies and truthfulness. Perhaps it was wrong person, wrong time and he was dealing with some honesty issues and past hang ups when he met you. You were/are trying to live up to something or a concept that he fixed in your mind many years ago and it seems somewhat burned into you. 

He didn't appreciate you at all either it seems, devaluing your love of language or words or your writing.

Circumstances change and we change with it. That's how we adapt, evolve and become improved versions of ourselves over time. Choosing to remain locked in position in time is a detriment.. a person chooses not to evolve and adapt. 

[sedgwick]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But according to your own post, you can get a date: 

Well, technically. They're an acquaintance of an acquaintance. They might not even be thinking of it as a date; they just asked if I wanted to get coffee. But the fact that I find them attractive makes me nervous about going. I'm not ready for another rejection.

And all of you are right; the terror of rejection is strong. I don't think I could survive going through that again, so I haven't really made any attempts to date. I let a friend convince me to put up a profile on a dating site, but no one showed any interest, so I took it down. I had one brief, stupid, weeklong fling with my yoga teacher six years ago, and she was really cruel to me afterward, so I just haven't tried again, at all. I mostly just stay in my house and keep to myself now.

36 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Oh, Sedgwick. You were only together for 10 months... not even a year. Were you even living together yet? There's no way you could have possibly known the real him. And people always put their best face up on facebook, but there's so much beneath the surface that you don't know. He might be a deadbeat in massive debt who expects his partner to pay for everything AND do all the housework. He could be abusive once he feels like he's in an established relationship. The two of them might be arguing every day, or one of them might already have cheated on the other. In the last 15 years he might have become an alcoholic with perpetual ED. So on and so forth.

No, we weren't living together. He was on tour most of the time. This is hilarious, though. Thank you.

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You absolutely can get a date if you want one.  You don't want to date and that's okay but you have to direct your attention to something else besides your ex.  That bridge has burned and he's gone.  What are you going to do now?

I don't know. Part of me wants to contact him and talk to him about it, finally, but obviously I would never do that. He wouldn't remember who I was, and that would be really embarrassing.

It's been very hard to write or even read these past 15 years, because I just hear his voice in my head telling me books don't matter. I've managed to very slowly crank out a manuscript, though, so I'm going to wrap up the edit and send it to my agent. If I can sell it, I'll feel a lot better about myself. That would feel like a definite victory over him, even if it wouldn't mean anything to him.

His new wife is really thin, so I want to get thin too -- again, not that it would ever matter to him, but it matters to me. I'm going to do a lot better with diet and exercise. Trying to be as good as her -- in my own head, not his -- is my motivation now. He'll never know, but I will.

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by sedgwick

[Lotsgoingon]

Your thinking makes absolutely no sense--none whatsoever.

But most likely the cause of your thinking is some deep emotional pain and maybe some learning struggles.

As others have said, there are products we use everyday that have a guarantee or warranty for say, five years. And right along with guarantee is a line saying "damaging the device, such as spilling liquid on it or dropping it to the ground, cancels the warranty." A promise to love forever ends at breakup--period! And even if there is love, it's not active love. 

Look, if you have a friend in elementary school and one day that friend spreads bad rumors among your mother and then undermines you with other people, even elementary school students understand that the "friendship"(and any commitments made to it) is now null and void--canceled out by the behavior of the friend.

Women who are tortured and beaten and abused and constantly threatened by their husbands SHOULD NOT stay committed to their marriage vows. The husband's behavior cancels out the marriage vow. Survival comes first.

But this is all logic and your thinking can only be rooted in some deep deep emotional pain and isolation. You need to go out into the world, develop some friendships, maybe get to therapy to figure out why you are sabotaging your life with such seriously weak thinking. I'm thinking there must be some childhood trauma or deep social isolation that you're experiencing. 

Thoughts of bf should have basically dwindled to zero by now. But that only happens because we engage with life.

 

 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[JRabbit]

On 12/7/2021 at 10:03 AM, sedgwick said:

He's the love of my life too, but I'm all alone with that. 

First thing to do is remove this saying from your life. No, he isn't. I'm sorry but he doesn't love you. While you may think you still love him, what you really are struggling with is letting go.

That is what you need to address.

Edited December 8, 2021 by JRabbit

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, sedgwick said:

the terror of rejection is strong. I don't think I could survive going through that again, so I haven't really made any attempts to date. I let a friend convince me to put up a profile on a dating site, but no one showed any interest, so I took it down. I had one brief, stupid, weeklong fling with my yoga teacher six years ago, and she was really cruel to me afterward, so I just haven't tried again, at all. I mostly just stay in my house and keep to myself now.

I think this is the real problem right here. 

From where I stand, your refusal to let go has very little to do with "loving" this man and a lot more to do with a fear of getting hurt. So you coccoon yourself in the narrative that you cannot lie about loving him (and thus cannot date) because it's somehow easier than getting out there and risking your heart - and it gives you an excuse to stay right where you are. 

I would go for coffee with whomever asked you out recently, even if just to take a baby step toward some sort of progress here. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 12/8/2021 at 2:03 AM, sedgwick said:

Hi again. I was here 15 years ago, after the breakup of a 10-month relationship I've mourned ever since. I just found out he got married.

He dumped me suddenly one morning, after telling me the night before that he loved me. The next day, he told me he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't a musician, like he is. I'm a writer, which wasn't a valid enough art form for him. I carefully composed so many fun emails to him when he was on the road (he toured most of the time), but he never responded. One time I was telling him how much a book meant to me, and he said, "You and your words." It was okay; I knew that music meant to him what words meant to me, and I let it go. But he couldn't love me because I wasn't a musician.

The worst part was that he went on and on about how he couldn't tell a lie. The name of his recording business was, in fact, a reference to his truthfulness. But he told me the two most devastating lies I've ever been told: "I love you," and "I'm never getting married." My last words to him were, "I love you unconditionally, always, for exactly who you are." Then he took my keys off his keychain, dropped them on my desk, and walked out the door, never to be seen again.

I've respected the fact that he doesn't want to hear from me. I haven't stalked him. I haven't contacted him. But I've kept my promise to love him, because I don't want to be the one who lied. I haven't been on a date since he left. 

Well, so, he's married now, and she's gorgeous and skinny and rich and Asian (he really likes Asian women, which I'm not, so I think that must have been part of the problem). She's better than me in every way, by leaps and bounds. And while I'm happy he finally found the woman he deserves, I'm devastated. Love isn't part of my life anymore, but I'm glad he lets her love him like I did. She posted engagement photos on her Twitter (I figured out her name), and said, "I'm marrying the love of my life," then told the really cute, sweet story of how he proposed.

He's the love of my life too, but I'm all alone with that. 

Someone asked me out for coffee the other day, and I find them attractive, but I don't feel like I can go, because that would mean breaking my promise. That would make me a liar. And I'm DETERMINED to be the one who told the truth.

I could use any advice you can give. Please, please don't respond if you're just going to tell me how messed up I am or how pathological it is that I'm still faithful to him. Believe me, nothing you could say to me could be worse than what I've been saying to myself for the last decade and a half. 

 

 

Oh how you make responding rather tricky...   

 

but I don't think that HE the individual is ANY part of this equation.

 

I DO believe that   your emotional and personal investment in him  holds a lot of weight in your challenges.

 

IF we as a society allow that... say, for example,   men who got a vasectomy, or women who got their tubes tied, may, over a time period of fifteen years....  change their minds...    then your EX does not in any way get shunned by society solely for his having changed his mind about marriage  over such a long period.

 

(reminder:   we as a nosy society don't care whether some random guy gets a vasectomy, or some woman gets her tubes tied... beyond our impulse to imagine one should allow for the changing of their own minds, by fate, or whatever circumstance non-fiction can present)

 

If you were some teenage girl, who just suffered her first break-up, and who had just discovered LoveShack, crying out for advice...

 

I would underscore how important it is that she separate two distinct things:

 

"HIM-him"

 

(from)

 

"her emotional investment IN him"

 

 

And even in your case, it feels as if you are indeed yearning to invest and keep investing in one human/emotional direction...   wanting to build on that investment and gain all of the  ('interest' ) that time and life will offer as a result of so doing.

 

BUT...  you are so unwilling to admit that one investment has gone to extremely-near-zero...    and thus you can't bring yourself to invest whatever is left, emotionally, in a new direction which will have far greater upside  than whatever it is (pennies) that still linger in this still-ongoing emotional investment  you have in your EX.

 

It's scary to begin anew that way...   but you are in such a different stage in your life in 2021 that you can't even parallel however you came to be boyfriend/girlfriend with your EX, to whatever is likely to happen next for you.

 

MAYBE the reflexive person who can handle most everything else that life throws at her, aside from this, will suddenly be better at meeting new people, and establishing just those small and early tidbits of personal investments  which can feel SO good.

 

BUT you need to talk yourself off of this proverbial ledge and move yourself nearer to that future possibility.

 

I don't think any of US can really get you there...  so it's gonna have to come from within...      with an outlook that is significantly different than what you've been carrying around for all of these years.

 

And on the grand scale of "lying"...    a man who 15 years ago said:   "I'm never getting married"...     is not... ever...   held to a standard where that was in raw terms:   "a lie".

 

At most, his statement was "a prediction", which, like most, was inaccurate.

 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[sedgwick]

Aaaand, I found out they're having a baby. This is the guy who wouldn't sleep with me until I promised I'd have an abortion if I got pregnant. So that's fun.

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're hurting.  But to be fair, 15 years ago he was much younger and clearly not ready for a child.  Not to mention that the two of you weren't in a long term, established relationship.   If a person is adamant they are not ready for children, they need to make their expectations known up front - which he did.    

That said, is it possible that you are now mad enough at him to question your love?  The way you speak about him is not what love looks like.

 

[sedgwick]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

That said, is it possible that you are now mad enough at him to question your love?  The way you speak about him is not what love looks like.

I'm SO mad at him, but I also don't fault him for wanting to do better than me. He was always way out of my league.

[basil67]

Thing is, your current feelings seem to be closer to hate than love.   If you were holding up your promise to love him forever, you'd wish him well and be happy that he's happy. 

Edited December 12, 2021 by basil67