My ex got married, and I'm hurting a lot

[Weezy1973]

On 12/8/2021 at 5:23 AM, sedgwick said:

 What I wanted help with was making peace with living the rest of my life without love. They kept acting like I could get a date if I wanted one, and it just became pointless.

That's akin to an alcoholic going to a therapist saying "I know that my drinking is ruining my life and that makes me sad. Can you help me with the sadness?" And the therapist says "You need to stop drinking." And the alcoholic says "That's ridiculous. You're a terrible therapist. I said I need help with my sadness!"

 

The issue is your lack of self worth. Nothing to do with this guy at all.

On 12/7/2021 at 7:17 AM, sedgwick said:

I promised to always love him because I always will. And I'm really, really determined not to be the liar here. I know he probably doesn't even remember me anymore, but I've still kept my promise. I don't know how not to love the love of my life anymore.

He's not the love of your life anymore. Literally. He's changed as we all do. You're in love with a memory, nothing more.

[sedgwick]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Thing is, your current feelings seem to be closer to hate than love.   If you were holding up your promise to love him forever, you'd wish him well and be happy that he's happy. 

I mean, I'm happy he's happy. I wouldn't want him to be miserable. I just wish I could have been enough for him.

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, sedgwick said:

I mean, I'm happy he's happy. I wouldn't want him to be miserable. I just wish I could have been enough for him.

No, you're not happy he's happy.  You're mad at him for leaving you behind.  

I think you tell yourself that you love him, but in reality, that love has gone and has been replaced with all kinds of toxic emotions such as resentment, anger and disappointment.  Start being honest with yourself about what your feelings are now.  

You are allowed to admit that the feelings of love have gone and been replaced with other stuff which now needs to be worked through.   Thing is, when you can admit that you no longer love him, you will be half way to healing.  

Edited December 12, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

It's seems you need to end this torch song and romance novel.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Talk about the ruminating, isolation and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

This isn't about him or that he's married now. This is about you.

When you feel better,you won't be stuck in the past.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, sedgwick said:

I mean, I'm happy he's happy

That not how your posts read at all. 

[vla1120]

On 12/7/2021 at 10:03 AM, sedgwick said:

I could use any advice you can give. Please, please don't respond if you're just going to tell me how messed up I am or how pathological it is that I'm still faithful to him. Believe me, nothing you could say to me could be worse than what I've been saying to myself for the last decade and a half. 

I'm not sure what you have been saying to yourself for the past 15 years, but it is concerning that you are still grieving the end of a 10-month relationship. That does not mean there is anything horribly wrong with you. Have you spoken to a professional? You need to find some self love. Once you feel totally comfortable in your own skin, then you will be able to put him behind you, realize your self worth, and move forward to find someone who is worthy of your time and thoughts.

[bene]

On 12/7/2021 at 5:03 PM, sedgwick said:

. I was here 15 years ago, after the breakup of a 10-month relationship I've mourned ever since.

Do you see a disparity here? 10 months versus 15 years? Maybe you would have found that he is not all that after a few years? 
You don’t owe him any lifelong commitment and self torture. At this point he’s an illusion in your head. You have no way of knowing how it would have panned out.

[sedgwick]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's seems you need to end this torch song and romance novel.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Talk about the ruminating, isolation and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

This isn't about him or that he's married now. This is about you.

When you feel better,you won't be stuck in the past.

I go for a physical checkup every year, and commented earlier in the thread that I've done a lot of therapy since he left. It just hasn't helped.

[Stret]

On 12/7/2021 at 3:03 PM, sedgwick said:

Someone asked me out for coffee the other day, and I find them attractive, but I don't feel like I can go, because that would mean breaking my promise. That would make me a liar. And I'm DETERMINED to be the one who told the truth.

 

What I'm going to say is maybe not what you want to hear so don't read if you want some false sense of comfort - but I am sorry for what you're putting yourself through.

You need to ask yourself why? Why do you need that to feel like you're a worthy person? Why wouldn't you be able to live with yourself if you no longer loved a man that doesn't love you - for 15 years. What do you or anyone else in the world get out of you keeping your word? Nobody even cares. You get pain and loneliness by keeping to your word. He gets nothing because he doesn't care about your love or you keeping your word. In fact, even he (if he were a decent human being) would like you to "break that promise" - it is not even considered breaking the promise under the circumstances by anyone. You are probably hurting those that love you - your parents, friends, family that does care about you. Your unreasonable determination is only a determination to ruin your life so the real question is why do you want to hurt and punish yourself and those who actually love you for the sake of some guy who doesn't give a damn? This romantic fantasy you created is only killing you emotionally and worrying people around you. The faster you wake up from it, the better for you and everyone who cares. 
 

[sedgwick]

50 minutes ago, Stret said:

He gets nothing because he doesn't care about your love or you keeping your word. 

Oh, I know that.  I'm sure he doesn't even remember me. Part of the reason I've never contacted him is that I don't want him to ask, "Who is this? Do we know each other?" But I keep loving him anyway. I wish it would stop, but it hasn't.

Edited December 12, 2021 by sedgwick

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, sedgwick said:

I've done a lot of therapy since he left. It just hasn't helped.

What has your therapist recommended? 

And have you done it? 

[sedgwick]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What has your therapist recommended? 

And have you done it? 

Dating again. But that's not possible, because nobody is attracted to me. I haven't been asked out since he left me. I joined a dating app just to show that it was impossible -- no likes at all -- but the therapists still wouldn't help me work on accepting a life without love. Nobody was willing to look at reality, so I just gave up.

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, sedgwick said:

Dating again. But that's not possible, because nobody is attracted to me. I haven't been asked out since he left me. 

Again, based on your own words in this very thread, that is not true. 

You have been asked out recently. You said no.

 

[sedgwick]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Again, based on your own words in this very thread, that is not true. 

You have been asked out recently. You said no.

 

I didn't say no, and it's just a cup of coffee. They're probably not thinking of it as a date at all. Still, I don't really want them to see what I look like in person, so I'm going to cancel.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, sedgwick said:

I didn't say no, and it's just a cup of coffee. They're probably not thinking of it as a date at all. Still, I don't really want them to see what I look like in person, so I'm going to cancel.

Then you can't really blame your therapists for not helping you when you stand in your own way like this. 

You are creating your own problems here. 

[bene]

2 hours ago, sedgwick said:

Dating again. But that's not possible, because nobody is attracted to me. I haven't been asked out since he left me. I joined a dating app just to show that it was impossible -- no likes at all -- but the therapists still wouldn't help me work on accepting a life without love. Nobody was willing to look at reality, so I just gave up.

Even without dating there should be some way to help you to clear your thoughts. Many people choose a single life, it doesn’t mean that you must be forever mentally attached to this man from the past. 

Are you honest with your therapist how your obsession has lasted for years? If you view therapy as someone wanting to get between you and him then of course it doesn’t work.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, sedgwick said:

Oh, I know that.  I'm sure he doesn't even remember me. Part of the reason I've never contacted him is that I don't want him to ask, "Who is this? Do we know each other?" But I keep loving him anyway. I wish it would stop, but it hasn't.

15 years will make a lot of changes in a person.  So given that you really don't know who he is anymore, why do you still love him?  Logically, you can't love a man who you don't know.  I think you love a ghost of your past - not an actual man.  

[SouthernIslander]

5 hours ago, sedgwick said:

Dating again. But that's not possible, because nobody is attracted to me. I haven't been asked out since he left me. I joined a dating app just to show that it was impossible -- no likes at all -- but the therapists still wouldn't help me work on accepting a life without love. Nobody was willing to look at reality, so I just gave up.

It sounds like you haven’t found the right therapist.  IMHO, a professional should help you learn to accept, learn and be happy with self before even thinking about dating again.  
 

It’s not uncommon to have people from your past that you’ll always care about but not to the point of unhealthy like this.

I am really sorry you’re going through this.  

[kendahke]

On 12/8/2021 at 7:23 AM, sedgwick said:

I get frustrated with them for not being willing to address the fact that I'm ugly and undateable. What I wanted help with was making peace with living the rest of my life without love. They kept acting like I could get a date if I wanted one

So let's say you're right (which you aren't, but for argument's sake...), then what was up with the person who did ask you out--the one you mentioned in your first post:

Quote

Someone asked me out for coffee the other day, and I find them attractive,

???? It sounds to me like you can and in fact, you're able to find them attractive, too, so that's a lie you're telling yourself. The only thing that's stopping you from moving forward is this:

Quote

but I don't feel like I can go, because that would mean breaking my promise.

I mean, you can be right and be alone... or you can stop lying to yourself and go out on dates with guys who find you attractive and want to go with you and stop inventing roadblocks so you can be right.

Of all the people in the world to not lie to, yourself should be at the top of that list---before the musician who's moved on with his life and got married.

[kendahke]

On 12/12/2021 at 11:58 AM, sedgwick said:

I didn't say no, and it's just a cup of coffee. They're probably not thinking of it as a date at all. Still, I don't really want them to see what I look like in person, so I'm going to cancel.

You have no idea what they're thinking because you cannot  climb into their head and direct thought traffic.  You're projecting what you'd wish they'd think about you so you can be right.  Again, you can be right and be alone or you can stop giving guys a reason to steer clear of you. You're the one beating them to a punch they never threw and it's you than ends up connecting with your own fist.

The question you need to work through with your therapists is "why don't I love myself?"

Edited December 14, 2021 by kendahke