Ashamed of my desire to be a housewife

[HealingJay]

I am 39yrs old, never married but was previously engaged to the dad of my now teenage twins. I grew up with extremely neglectful parents and had to figure things out on my own for as long as I could remember. even food was scarce and I would try to go visit my best friend when I knew they might be having dinner. It was a cold and lonely experience but I managed to do an ok job. From the time I could get a work permit at 16, I've held a job and have never been without one. I moved out on my own and took care of myself without leaning on anyone for support. Not that i didn't want support, but it I was used to having to do things on my own.  In my mid 20s I met my soon to be fiance and I thought he'd be the person of my dreams but he ended up being abusive in every way possible. Fortunately i gathered enough strength to leave him before we got married but i ended up being pregnant with twins. I refused to subject them to witnessing a toxic relationship like I did so I raised them alone (he still remains in their life and we coparent without issues) I raised them as I raised myself, without much support and I give them all the love and support I wished for myself. I am blessed to have great kids and for the 1st time in my life I'm in a healthy relationship that looks to be headed towards marriage. the issue is I have a deep desire to be a housewife and be able to focus solely on my family and I feel ashamed of this. I feel lazy and like I'd be a burden to my husband. I have no intention on sitting around doing nothing all day as I know how to manage a household very well but the shame doesn't go away. I'm wondering now if my shame is unwarranted or am I just longing to be taken care of because I've never experienced it and I just to need to grow up and get over it. Thank you to anyone that reads this. 

[Pumpernickel]

First of all - congrats to you on raising 2 great kids! It can’t have been easy after all you’ve been through during your own childhood & teenage years, and after being in an abusive R. Well done! Glad you’re in a healthy partnership right now. 

I don’t think you have to be “ashamed” of anything. Your desires are your desires. And they’re not illegal. Don’t be ashamed! 
 

BUT: Are your desires realistic? What is your fiancé’s opinion? Would he support you if you stayed home full-time with no income stream? Don’t forget that he’s used to a girl-friend who has her own job and money, plus your children are older and they don’t need full-time care, plus they’re not his, biologically. And even if he agreed, would he be able to afford it? He would have to make enough to support you & your teenage twins, while they’re with you guys and not with their dad. That’s a lot to ask from a man, especially nowadays - I mean, everybody works, men and women, parents, married and single people, older and younger ppl, doesn’t matter. Very rarely do you find a SAHM, and if you do, it’s somebody who has younger kids. 
 

Also - are you sure that this lifestyle would make you happy? I would be bored out of my mind, but I’ve always worked (like you), and I hate, absolutely despise and hate household chores (unlike you). I have a cleaning lady twice a week, and I live alone (plus dog). I don’t even like cooking. I dunno - it may sound appealing to you, bc you’ve worked so hard all your life, and bc maybe you crave that idyllic family life that you never had - but with literally nothing to do (kids are independent, after all), I don’t think you’d be fulfilled. 

OTOH - if your soon to be husband is on board and supportive, and if he has the financial means, why not give it a shot? You can always change your mind later. 
 

[jspice]

There’s nothing to be ashamed of. 
Society has often treated stay at home parents like they’re less than people who work outside the home. That’s society’s problem. 
if you and your partner have the means and he’s amenable to it, then do it. 

[FMW]

Talk to your fiance and explain your thoughts as you have to us. If he supports your position, then all is well.  As the previous poster discussed, whether this would be practical is also a consideration.  

Being a stay at home wife and mother is a valid choice and provides great value to your family.  If that option is agreeable to both you and your fiance then there is no reason to feel shame.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, HealingJay said:

the issue is I have a deep desire to be a housewife and be able to focus solely on my family and I feel ashamed of this. 

That's ok. However there may be a black and while family TV nostalgia behind it. Trying to remake or rewrite the past.

You've done quite well and that is quite an accomplishment. However the Hallmark family is a  myth.

Reflect on your desire for this. More importantly consider after leaving an abusive relationship, if you are really entirely comfortable relinquishing your independence.

It's not about shame, it's about your motivations and how comfortable you would feel not having financial independence.

Many people become depressed when they lose jobs, are stuck at home or retire. They lose their purpose and focus.

Why can't you have both? A happy marriage/family and yet retain your financial independence?

Edited December 7, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

I'd think your longing stems from the fact that you didn't have that intended marriage from the engagement that fell apart with the father of your kids. While it may be a fantasy I don't think it's practical in the long run. 

Think of your kids and being able to provide for them if this relationship or marriage-to-be goes south. Has he proposed? Try not to get ahead of yourself just yet but do let go of that shame. There's utterly no shame in daydreaming. It doesn't mean it has to be a reality.

 

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, HealingJay said:

 I have no intention on sitting around doing nothing all day as I know how to manage a household very well but the shame doesn't go away. I'm wondering now if my shame is unwarranted or am I just longing to be taken care of because I've never experienced it and I just to need to grow up and get over it. Thank you to anyone that reads this. 

The shame is not warranted. The reason why is that there is no objective standard of whether you should/shouldn't be a housewife. This stuff is all in people's heads and the mores/"expectations" of society (which shift signficantly over time).

However, people tend to internalize certain "values" presented to them e.g. by society and/or the people they associate with, particularly when they are young. Since you have internalized the idea that you "shouldn't" be a housewife, I think it will be difficult for you to fully escape your (not warranted) sense of shame. Meta-cognition to reflect about the situation may help, as may exposing yourself to groups that espouse the views and behaviors of "homemaking" (I suspect you may have already done this).

Therapy may help a bit as well, although I guess you must decide if your shame is strong enough to actually warrant it. You could also consider being a housewife for some time, but planning to return to work life at a later date to sort of "balance things out".

Edited December 8, 2021 by mark clemson

[S2B]

Why don’t you consider doing work part time instead of not at all? I get bored staying home. I need some outside accomplishments besides cooking and cleaning. 🤣

but seriously - part time work can be fun if it’s an area that interests you. And a little bit of money coming in is better than none.

[Foxhall]

On balance id say better not to lose your own financial independence, you dont want to be dependent on any man really,

I know some guys out there like a stay at home wife and so on,

for instance if you met a chap like me who would be easy going and not mind supporting you, I mean it would probably be ok,

a lot of guys out there will use it against you in a psychological way though and after all you have been through- dont throw your independence away now.

 

[LuckyM]

Nothing wrong with desiring to be a housewife.  Be a good one and ignore the expectations women feel to have a good job and career. Maybe one day in future you will. I think kids need a mom at home to care for them. Unlike pets. My generation women were usually housewives from choice. Housewives get a unfair bad rep or rap depending where you live.  In US or western Europe? 

You can still make money from home

[Woggle]

There is nothing to be ashamed of. If you and your partner are happy with the arrangement that is all that matters.

[Happy Lemming]

On 12/7/2021 at 1:44 PM, Wiseman2 said:

...and yet retain your financial independence?

I have to agree with @Wiseman2...  In addition to financial independence, perhaps update your skills in a field that provides a "living wage".

The reason I suggest this is... I got a call from another house flipper, who wanted me to take a look at a house that he didn't want.  He thought it was too far gone and was too much work for him.  I took a look and agreed that it was a "tear-down" and the house wasn't worth saving.  Moreover, the house wasn't in a great neighborhood, so the land didn't have much value either.

Now the back story...  The husband was a contractor and the wife was a "stay at home mom".  They started having problems after the kids were raised and out of the house. He started working less and less, so his income went down.  He also let the house fall into disrepair.  The problems in the marriage increased and she wanted to divorce him. His income had become so low over the past years, alimony was minimal at best.  The only asset they had was the house and it had no value.  And of course they had no savings or IRA accounts.  The wife had developed no skills for earning a "living wage" and had no work history.  In the best case scenario she might have found a part-time job for minimum wage, but that wouldn't even cover the rent for a room.  At the end of the day, she was stuck in a miserable marriage in a house that was falling down around her.  

[Els]

There is nothing at all "lazy" about being a housewife - I work full-time as a team lead and tbh I think that the vast majority of SAHMs "work" harder than I do. While I'm chilling at the computer sipping my beverage, they're probably trying to cook a meal with one kid grabbing on to their apron and another one scrawling on the wall with crayon...

I would, however, caution any woman to be VERY circumspective about her ability to survive without her partner if she chose to be a housewife. I would advise them to be sure that they had savings of their own, that they had a marketable skill that they keep updated so they can go back to work if needed, that they have something, anything, to fall back on. Because coming from a traditional culture, the sheer number of women that I've seen trapped in abusive marriages, or to an openly cheating husband, just because they couldn't survive if they leave... it's insane.

Basically just be sure to take care of yourself first.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Elswyth said:

There is nothing at all "lazy" about being a housewife -

OMG it is soooooo much work for those who do it right.  My mom was a SAHM and she worked from sun up to sun down.  3 meals a day, laundry, cleaning, counseling, taking care the sick, paying bills, shopping, mending stuff, endless errands, taking care of animals, church stuff, school projects, Dad's needs, etc., I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.

[chillii]

So many women scoff at being a hw themselves not at others that l ever hear but it is sad for those that choose the life and for reasons you've said very normal and common to my mind. My mum was a hw , although most were l suppose back then but honestly, if a woman wants to go that way l admire it. We loved coming home to mum always there and having time at home to be the mother and wife that she was. l don't care what anyone thinks as kids we loved it, such a God sent and so did she. l actually feel sorry for kids now with such busy working mums. ln saying all that though don't get me wrong, l couldn't care less what other women wanna do not saying they should be HW's they can climb trees for all l care , but just how it was for me.

At any rate , my fiance just wants to HW and we love it. In some ways l'd like her to be more independent but l work at home to anyway and my God, she is sooooo nice most of the time to just have around and to just be there and do all the things she does in all the ways she does and for us to live the way that we do.lt's honestly the nicest life l've ever had and lived and we live and do things no other working couple could ever be or do.

But my ex w worked full time and then always busy till almost bed every night later too, it was ridiculous. l practically had to book an appointment just to be together we'd completely lost US. Never time to talk or just be or just be us or even laze around together it was hopeless , hence now ex. Oddly we lived together earlier before all that just at home she only worked pt and l worked from home, 10yrs , and that was the other best time of my life. But eh that's me and my partner now and we love it. Ea to their own as l say l couldn't care less what other women do but it is sad that should it be a hw these days, they might feel the way you are. l say just do it, who cares what anyone thinks.

[lana-banana]

There's no shame at all in being a stay-at-home spouse. It's an incredible amount of work, even if there aren't kids involved; cleaning, laundry, and upkeep is a lot! If you are lucky enough to have "free time", there's no shortage of things to do. Volunteering and local activism, clubs, etc - you can stay busy and be a productive member of your community as well.

My question is: how are your financials? The reason why the vast, VAST majority of US couples both work is because jobs simply don't pay enough to have two people and rent/mortgage/etc on one salary. Do you have money of your own to get out and stay on your feet if the relationship goes south? 

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, chillii said:

We loved coming home to mum always there and having time at home to be the mother and wife that she was.

I agree with you on this.  We loved it too.  It was the best.

[Els]

19 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Do you have money of your own to get out and stay on your feet if the relationship goes south? 

This.

I forgot to mention in my other post - even if the relationship itself is amazing, there are other potential issues. The most common one that I observed in my traditional home country was that the man/breadwinner died, and the family struggled significantly after that. Children having to drop out of school to work, homelessness, etc. Someone I knew had to drop out of school at the age of 10 to become a manual labourer because his father died, and sadly he had more marketable skills than his mum did. He never completed school and doesn't really know how to read to this day. He died young of health complications.

This is unlikely to happen in any modern country of course, but I would strongly urge anyone to research the social safety nets available in their country, before they go down this route. AFAIK in the US there isn't a good safety net, whereas Scandinavian countries would mostly be fine, etc.

Edited December 11, 2021 by Elswyth

[dramafreezone]

On 12/7/2021 at 11:30 AM, HealingJay said:

the issue is I have a deep desire to be a housewife and be able to focus solely on my family and I feel ashamed of this. I feel lazy and like I'd be a burden to my husband. I have no intention on sitting around doing nothing all day as I know how to manage a household very well but the shame doesn't go away. I'm wondering now if my shame is unwarranted or am I just longing to be taken care of because I've never experienced it and I just to need to grow up and get over it. Thank you to anyone that reads this. 

Seems like a great thing to discuss with your significant other.  Make sure your vision of your future household is in alignment.

If you know that's the life for you then you shouldn't be ashamed of it.  Some people think of being a housewife as an inferior role and I think it's just the opposite, a great housewife form the foundation of a solid family.  Not everyone is cut out to be a career spouse.