Feeling lost. put this in another thread, but felt was wrong topic for there.

[Grimmpossible]

So my ex-partner and I were really good friends for 6-7 years and then together for 3 years. The relationship was great, we loved each other, wanted to get married in the new year and buy a house together. When we first got together, she mentioned wanting to explore her bisexuality which she never got to do, we agreed we could at some point do this together as she wanted me.

Skip to roughly a month ago, she meets a woman through work and they kiss at a work function. She immediately told me, my reaction was scared as I didn't want to lose her, I was not jealous about it. We discussed how to make it work, but the other woman didn't want to share.

A week later, ex says she chooses me and didn't want to throw away the good thing we had for someone she barely knows. 2 weeks later I propose, she says yes. The following day she says she has feelings for the other woman still and doesn't know what to do.

We decide to go on a break as she wanted to explore this side of herself but said it could be the biggest mistake she ever made, but she needs to try. While also saying she still wanted a future for us.

A week later we both agree that a break wont work, I am alone struggling with the grief in limbo and am a ghost hovering over them. Which my ex says has been making the other woman emotional and crying. The other woman is also jealous of us talking, and the previous ex talking to her also (he is a good friend of ours). 

When we broke up I said I want to be her partner, she said we could definitely try again in the future. We both hugged a lot (real hugs), held hands and saod that we really do love one another. Both cried. I left our home as I said I respect her and she needs to make the right decision for herself, and to give her space to do this right. She seems happy so far with this woman.

Since leaving the house I tried to give space with not contacting her, but every day I did, she would contact me without fail. The conversations were still friendly and open, still used pet names we shared, sharing photos of some things we were doing. A week of no contact and she contacts me, again conversation was open and friendly asking about how I am and what I am doing, etc.

Being apart from her has been horribly painful. But I accept that it is her life and she needs to explore things. But deep down, as much as I try, I am struggling to kill the hope that one day in the future we may be together again. I have no ill will towards her... I know people will say to move on but it is really hard. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by Grimmpossible

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Grimmpossible said:

 a month ago, she meets a woman through work and they kiss at a work function. 

Sorry this happened. At least she has the dignity to explore this on her own.

However this is no different than a cheater who leaves for another lover, even if you condoned the cheating.

Don't be her security blanket. If she wants to cheat and then breakup, be glad you are free of her.

[Grimmpossible]

Yeah, deep down I know that. During our discussion I told her, I didn't see it as a man/woman thing, she was just another person. Given that the other person is alrwady jealous, directly stated as being due to how they got together, not sure what the longterm possibility is for them.

[Grimmpossible]

As I said, I know I need to move on and live my life. But deep down, I still want the future we had dreamed of. We were looking at homes a month ago...

[Grimmpossible]

I had posted this in another thread, but think it was the wrong topic.

So my ex-partner (37, f) and I (35, m) were really good friends for 6-7 years and then together for 3 years. The relationship was great, we loved each other, wanted to get married in the new year and buy a house together. I always told her I loved her, appreciated her and valued her in my life, which she did to me also. I cooked and cleaned as I enjoyed making her day easier. We shared hobbies and had similar interests. I surprised her with gifts and random things. We joked and laughed.

When we first got together, she mentioned wanting to explore her bisexuality which she never got to do, we agreed we could at some point do this together as she wanted me and said she couldn't see her life with a woman. 

Skip to roughly a month ago, she meets a woman (35) through work and they kiss at a work function. She immediately told me, my reaction was scared as I didn't want to lose her, I was not jealous about it. We discussed how to make it work, but the other woman didn't want to share.

A week later, ex says she chooses me and didn't want to throw away the good thing we had for someone she barely knows. 2 weeks later I propose, she says yes. The following day she says she has feelings for the other woman still and doesn't know what to do.

We decide to go on a break as she wanted to explore this side of herself but said it could be the biggest mistake she ever made, but she needs to try. While also saying she still wanted a future for us.

A week later we both agree that a break wont work, I am alone struggling with the grief in limbo and I said I am a ghost hovering over them. Which my ex says has been making the other woman emotional and crying. The other woman is also jealous of us talking, and the previous ex talking to her also (he is a good friend of ours). 

When we broke up I said I want to be her partner, she said we could definitely try again in the future. We both hugged a lot (real hugs), held hands and said that we really do love one another. Both cried. I left our home as I said I respect her and she needs to make the right decision for herself, and to give her space to do this right. She seems happy so far with this woman.

Since leaving the house I tried to give space with not contacting her, but every day I did, she would contact me without fail. The conversations were still friendly and open, still used pet names we shared, sharing photos of some things we were doing. A week of no contact and she contacts me, again conversation was open and friendly asking about how I am and what I am doing, etc.

Being apart from her has been horribly painful. But I accept that it is her life and she needs to explore things. But deep down, as much as I try, I am struggling to kill the hope that one day in the future we may be together again. I have no ill will towards her... I know people will say to move on but it is really hard. I am struggling with thoughts of will she miss me, does she care, does any part of her want a future together still. I know I may never know these things. I still wonder if they will make it longterm, or if she will regret her decision. It's been so tough.

[ExpatInItaly]

You have discovered that being bisexual doesn't mean being non-monogamous. 

So while your original plans were to explore her bisexuality together, that wasn't realistic. She evidently wasn't only interested in sexual experiences with other women, but also actually having a relationship with another woman. 

The glaring red flag I see here (in addition to kissing somenoe else while still with you) was that she left you and everything you had built for someone she has just barely started seeing. That tells me that either this has been brewing a lot longer than you know (with this new girlfriend), or she was really not as in love with you as she claimed. It's probably a combination of both. 

Treat this like any other infidelity. She has left you for someone else, and I highly doubt you'd want anything to do with her if the other person happened to be a man instead of a woman. Would you have even entertained the notion of trying again in the future if her new lover was another dude? She is trying now to keep you on the backburner in case things don't work out with her new lady, but that is incredibly unfair to you. You need to cut the friendly chats and take space away from her. She didn't feel strongly enough about you to stick with you, so it's pretty rich that she thinks you still want to be her fallback guy now. She has chosen this path for herself. 

I realize it hurts but I have a feeling you wouldn't be giving her the same leeway if the other person weren't a woman. But at the end of the day, it makes little difference. She still opted to leave and chose someone else. Keep that in mind when she tries to butter you up. 

[Grimmpossible]

43 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have discovered that being bisexual doesn't mean being non-monogamous. 

So while your original plans were to explore her bisexuality together, that wasn't realistic. She evidently wasn't only interested in sexual experiences with other women, but also actually having a relationship with another woman. 

The glaring red flag I see here (in addition to kissing somenoe else while still with you) was that she left you and everything you had built for someone she has just barely started seeing. That tells me that either this has been brewing a lot longer than you know (with this new girlfriend), or she was really not as in love with you as she claimed. It's probably a combination of both. 

Treat this like any other infidelity. She has left you for someone else, and I highly doubt you'd want anything to do with her if the other person happened to be a man instead of a woman. Would you have even entertained the notion of trying again in the future if her new lover was another dude? She is trying now to keep you on the backburner in case things don't work out with her new lady, but that is incredibly unfair to you. You need to cut the friendly chats and take space away from her. She didn't feel strongly enough about you to stick with you, so it's pretty rich that she thinks you still want to be her fallback guy now. She has chosen this path for herself. 

I realize it hurts but I have a feeling you wouldn't be giving her the same leeway if the other person weren't a woman. But at the end of the day, it makes little difference. She still opted to leave and chose someone else. Keep that in mind when she tries to butter you up. 

Yeah. I know. It's just that we were so good. Everyone said there was not a better match... but she chose this person's feelings over mine...and now I have been a chump, who supported her so much, that I supported myself out the door...

Stupid thing is. I would always try again, I was trying to get ok with keeping the door open, but not watching it. I said I was open to opening our relationship... but the other woman wouldn't want it. I could deal with physical infidelity as I am not a jealous man, it was the emotional aspect that concerned me. I guess I am just stupid 😢

 

[ExpatInItaly]

40 minutes ago, Grimmpossible said:

I guess I am just stupid

You aren't stupid. 

You (and she) were just not realistic in your idea of how this would play out in reality. 

[Grimmpossible]

I suppose we weren't. I am just confused I suppose. She was confused also and conflicted. I could tell the decision was eating her inside and hard to make... but I suppose in the end, the decision was made. 

Now I don't know if I stay friends as our connection has always been great and I love her as a person...or just, go.

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, Grimmpossible said:

Now I don't know if I stay friends as our connection has always been great and I love her as a person...or just, go.

I doubt you will be able to remain friends. 

Her girlfriend won't like that (and your ex has already showed you that she prioritizes her over you), and it will be too painful for you. Most exes cannot stay friends after a break-up, and for good reason. It will prolong your healing and make this a lot more painful than it needs to be. 

[Grimmpossible]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I doubt you will be able to remain friends. 

Her girlfriend won't like that (and your ex has already showed you that she prioritizes her over you), and it will be too painful for you. Most exes cannot stay friends after a break-up, and for good reason. It will prolong your healing and make this a lot more painful than it needs to be. 

Yeah that makes sense. As I said she is already jealous of me and previous ex bases on how they got together. Bummer.