Is this the end?

[heartbrokeninlove]

My fiance and I have been engaged for almost 2 months, and have been together for over a year. As a backstory, I am 25 and he is 32. He has two children with another woman, with whom he stayed for about 8 years. In this relationship, the girl got pregnant right away. He said they dated for about 3 years, but after that they just lived together with no relationship. He has been through a lot with that relationship, and with the one he had following, which ended in a court case. I believe he may suffer from PTSD due to this situation that occurred. The reason for this is due to the fact that he has seriously accused me of trying to hurt him, although I have never hit him, kicked him, or anything. I would never be physically harmful. I have also been in 2 serious relationships, but do not have children. These relationships seemed pretty normal to me, and I had never suffered from any serious abandonment/trust issues in either of them.

We have done a lot over the past year. Starting in November of last year, I sort of moved in with him as I had been working virtually. Then, I moved permanently about 6 hours to be with him, and quit my job in May. I found a new job and purchased a house for us to fix up and live in together. He has been working a lot at the house, but it is still not complete. We've been on several trips with his kids. Particularly, I have spent a lot of time with his younger child and a strong relationship has been formed. We have had so many great times. In October he proposed to me, and just last week I purchased a wedding gown and booked a venue. This weekend, we were supposed to have an engagement party with family. There is also a venue booked for that.

However, a situation occurred this past October that I believe triggered some out of control fights. We were at a concert for my favorite band, and we had just taken a picture on his phone. I went to send it to myself, and I saw a girl's name come up. With it being in recent/popular contacts, I had to click on her name and see what was up. I had never looked through his phone the entire first year of our relationship (although at times I'd see when a message popped up on the screensaver). I knew that she had texted before a while ago, about not coming to work (she's a coworker) and I hadn't been phased by it at all. But then in looking in his texts, I saw that he had deleted them up until the previous 5 days. In the texts, there was a very brief mentioning of fantasies which seemed somewhat sexual to me, although that topic did not get very far. So after seeing the texts, I questioned why there would be deleted ones. He immediately lied and told me that she was a lesbian. Of course, I had to look her up on Facebook to find that she was not in fact a lesbian and was interested in men. From this moment on, my trust started to lessen, and I'd also notice him telling other small, irrelevant lies. And things began to build up in my head. I began questioning things to him on a daily basis, and it got to the point where I was just asking him to admit if he was cheating on me. My questions quickly became fights that escalated. I feel that while I began the fights, he sort of blew them up in a way, and it was always like he was trying to "break up" with me or kick me out of his home on a weekly basis. He would punch walls, himself, and throw things, and there was lots of yelling, and I would follow him around the house trying to resolve things. I have never been in fights that escalate like that with anyone else. He has told me, however, that that is how fights go normally in relationships. 

A couple weeks ago I also found out I am pregnant. The fights continued, and one day in the middle of one he said that he doesn't love me anymore, he's not attracted to me anymore, to get an abortion, and that he is going to cheat on me. These words hurt me so badly, particularly the last ones. He knew I had been having a hard time since the texting incident, and used that against me. So the questioning continued. Further, becoming pregnant I suppose has made me slightly more clingy. Then the night before last, I questioned who he was texting when he was on his phone at 2 in the morning. It again turned into this massive fight which ended in him calling his mother to come pick him up at 2 in the morning. He left me at his place, and I couldn't sleep the whole night. When he returned the next day around 2 in the afternoon, he told me I need to get therapy or he doesn't want me anymore. He had said this to me last month, so I signed up for an online therapy for which I was to complete workbooks. Honestly, I did not do very much in the workbook because I felt like there were things both of us could work on. But yesterday, I told him I would get real therapy and quickly booked an appointment. Once I booked the appointment, however, he was upset that it wouldn't be on a daily basis. Therapists do not usually operate with each client on a daily basis, which I told him, and he told me I needed to go to the hospital then. I was so confused. While I do have anxiety, nothing is going on that I feel requires me to be at a psychiatric hospital. I told him this, and he began yelling at me to leave. Although he has done this so many times before, this time I felt like he meant it. He also had asked if I told everyone the engagement party for Saturday was off. To me, this seemed like the end. I was absolutely devastated and called my father, hardly able to speak. I needed him to help me move all of my things as I was afraid I would not be able to get them later. My father came and helped me move out. At this time, my fiance hugged me and was crying. He said it didn't need to come to this, which has left me so confused. Hours later, he texted me that we could talk on the phone so I gave him a call. For about an hour he went on about how I need to get help, but again stating that it didn't have to come to this. He told me instead of packing all of my stuff that I should have just left and went to the mall for a few hours. He told me I need to figure something out because he doesn't want to have to explain to his 5 year old why I'm not there at Christmas. At the same time, he mentioned how he wasn't going to my brother's wedding anymore, which he is supposed to be a groomsman in. 

I do not know what to think and am absolutely heartbroken. I was planning a serious future with this man, expecting to move into our new house together within the next couple months, and to get married in April, and have the baby in July. Although we had lots of bad times, especially over the past 2 months, we've also had lots of great times. He didn't want the ring back when I left either. I am absolutely terrified of becoming a single mother, and also just at the thought of having to continue coping with this situation. I recognize that me questioning the texting on a nightly basis, and bothering him about it was not okay. I told him that. And I told him I would get counseling. Whatever I say just doesn't seem like enough at this point. I am so sad and not able to focus on anything, and he has made me feel like it is all my fault. Do you think he will want to reconcile things eventually? I know that his parents were surprised, and while they feel like it was the right thing for me to leave, they felt it would or should be temporary. 

[JRabbit]

7 minutes ago, heartbrokeninlove said:

I feel like I've put a lot of effort and heart into this for him to just throw me away.

Why is he throwing you away? Honey, you need to throw HIM away.  Get out of this relationship, as fast as you can. 

[stillafool]

He sounds like he has mental problems and is projecting them onto you.  Look, you're stronger than you realize and once you see that little face inside you your Momma Bear instincts will kick in.  You do have your Dad in your life and hopefully others who will help you as well.  File for your baby's child support which is due him/her, don't let him talk you out of it as he has the other BM.  You and your baby will be okay. 

[glows]

I think you are hurt and not thinking clearly, as we all do after a break up. It's over as he doesn't want to be with you. It's better to acknowledge that quickly than keep believing that there is anything left there. You thought of yourself and your child's best interests when you left. The relationship seems to have moved very fast too. Don't second guess yourself. You are lucky you have a father/parent to help you. Don't take that forgranted. Treat this as over and keeping putting the wellbeing of yourself and your child first. Value your family that is there for you.

You also established he's a liar and you can't trust him. From what you wrote it sounds like you know following anyone around in hot pursuit during an escalated /heated conversation is not a good idea. These are just more lessons learned. Bank them and keep in mind for the future. Since you can't trust him, do not go back. You're just doing yourself a disservice. 

Lean on your family and friends for support. Don't ever go back to someone who has proven to you once he doesn't belong in your life. 

 

[heartbrokeninlove]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

I think you are hurt and not thinking clearly, as we all do after a break up. It's over as he doesn't want to be with you. It's better to acknowledge that quickly than keep believing that there is anything left there. You thought of yourself and your child's best interests when you left. The relationship seems to have moved very fast too. Don't second guess yourself. You are lucky you have a father/parent to help you. Don't take that forgranted. Treat this as over and keeping putting the wellbeing of yourself and your child first. Value your family that is there for you.

You also established he's a liar and you can't trust him. From what you wrote it sounds like you know following anyone around in hot pursuit during an escalated /heated conversation is not a good idea. These are just more lessons learned. Bank them and keep in mind for the future. Since you can't trust him, do not go back. You're just doing yourself a disservice. 

Lean on your family and friends for support. Don't ever go back to someone who has proven to you once he doesn't belong in your life. 

 

Thank you for your reply. In the last two messages he sent me last night and just now, he said that I'm a beautiful wonderful person and he would love to make this work, but that he needs me to work on my insecurities. Then in the next one he said he understands this might be hard, but that people don't just undo a lifetime worth of bad behavior in one day.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, heartbrokeninlove said:

Thank you for your reply. In the last two messages he sent me last night and just now, he said that I'm a beautiful wonderful person and he would love to make this work, but that he needs me to work on my insecurities. Then in the next one he said he understands this might be hard, but that people don't just undo a lifetime worth of bad behavior in one day.

Do you have any idea why he made these statements about you?

[glows]

3 minutes ago, heartbrokeninlove said:

Thank you for your reply. In the last two messages he sent me last night and just now, he said that I'm a beautiful wonderful person and he would love to make this work, but that he needs me to work on my insecurities. Then in the next one he said he understands this might be hard, but that people don't just undo a lifetime worth of bad behavior in one day.

His behaviour caused you to be suspicious and it wasn't working. I'd ignore his messages for now and give yourself time to collect your thoughts. Mute the messages and bring some calm and peace into your life. Being agitated over very stupid comments like you're beautiful but are insecure while you have a baby to look out for leave for later. Anything he says make a mental note but time out for yourself. 

Focus on the ultrasound tomorrow and make your appointments. Talk with your doctors about any concerns you have about your health if any or the baby's. 

[heartbrokeninlove]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Do you have any idea why he made these statements about you?

I understand the insecurities comment, because I do have some insecurity in this relationship, and after the texting situation it flared. But I do not understand the lifetime of bad behavior statement. I don't have a lifetime bad behavior. He had also commented earlier that I must have ruined my other two relationships. I know for certain that I did not ruin the first one, as the guy had begged for me. And in my second relationship, I never had fights like this, in fact, fighting was rare. I also hadn't been insecure about who the guy from my 2nd relationship was texting. He never made me feel that way.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, heartbrokeninlove said:

I understand the insecurities comment, because I do have some insecurity in this relationship, and after the texting situation it flared. But I do not understand the lifetime of bad behavior statement. I don't have a lifetime bad behavior. He had also commented earlier that I must have ruined my other two relationships. I know for certain that I did not ruin the first one, as the guy had begged for me. And in my second relationship, I never had fights like this, in fact, fighting was rare. I also hadn't been insecure about who the guy from my 2nd relationship was texting. He never made me feel that way.

Yeah he's projecting his own bad past onto you.  It's good you are away from this guy or he will gaslight you into mental health problems.  Stay away from him, seriously.

[heartbrokeninlove]

34 minutes ago, Deckert said:

He's perfect, he did nothing wrong, it's all your fault, you're the one with the bad behavior, lifelong problems and failed previous relationships.

Does this make any sense to you at all?

I get it, and it is really hard for him to say that he did anything wrong right now. Last night I did a lot of just listening to him while we talked on the phone, because he would get angry at most of what I said. So I'm not sure this will be resolved, because I did my part. He told me last night that he did absolutely nothing wrong. It just breaks my heart because I do love him, and I've invested a lot. And I feel like I was inadequate with loving him, which is painful to me. He told me if I can't accept something I did was wrong and try to fix it then I don't love him, even after I already did both of those things/scheduled a counseling appointment.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, heartbrokeninlove said:

The thing about it is that while he's no longer with his first baby's mama, he does make an effort to see his children. There is no court agreement and he does not pay child support. 

So many red flag. Slow down. Way too much too soon.  He is a low integrity person.

The correct term, btw is mother of his children. 

The same disrespect he has for her and his own children is already on the horizon for you. 

 Does he have mental health (not faux PTSD because he's a deadbeat dad and it's all her fault BS) or drug issues?

 He's seems abusive. It starts with isolation and getting you way overinvested and overinvolved way too soon.

You need to get out of bridezilla mode and have a serious talk with trusted friends and family about all these red flags

Edited December 8, 2021 by Wiseman2

[JRabbit]

So are you ok with him cheating on you?

[heartbrokeninlove]

5 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

So are you ok with him cheating on you?

Absolutely not, and if I could clearly say he was cheating I would want to leave. But he kept saying how she was just a friend and he just makes crude jokes. And we did spend a lot of time together, so I honestly don't think there was any sex. It could have been a few short texts sent while at work. He also told me he took smoke breaks with her. The fact that everything was deleted past 5 days just made me uneasy, and then my thoughts began to spiral. It is also weird to me how neither of them ever texted again after I saw the conversation. He also told me he stopped talking to her while at work.

[heartbrokeninlove]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So many red flag. Slow down. Way too much too soon.  He is a low integrity person.

The correct term, btw is mother of his children. 

The same disrespect he has for her and his own children is already on the horizon for you. 

 Does he have mental health (not faux PTSD because he's a deadbeat dad and it's all her fault BS) or drug issues?

 He's seems abusive. It starts with isolation and getting you way overinvested and overinvolved way too soon.

You need to get out of bridezilla mode and have a serious talk with trusted friends and family about all these red flags

I feel like the PTSD is a genuine thing, for reasons I won't explain on here, and unintentionally I believe I have triggered it before. It was a very scary and sad feeling. I feel as though the way he copes with anger is also not normal. He does like to drink a lot as well, and I won't go into detail about other things for privacy purposes. I feel like while he proposed, I was also moving it along quickly, but I am in love, and thought that he was too. At the beginning, he seemed so appreciative of my company and things that I did for him. It is what made me fall for him, because he was so sweet. I tried talking with his mother, but I'm not sure she completely sees it from my point. Even she compared my actions with the other woman he has children with. She told me to give it a week, and that maybe it will resolve. I know that his dad really liked me, but I'm not sure it matters. One of his best friends behaves very similarly to him, and has two mothers of his children, but is not together with either of them. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, heartbrokeninlove said:

 I feel as though the way he copes with anger is also not normal. He does like to drink a lot as well

That's because he has a lot of red flags as an abuser you are choosing to overlook.

You need to sever all finances, get out of that house.

Cancel all party plans and move back home.

You are headed for a life of heartache.

[heartbrokeninlove]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's because he has a lot of red flags as an abuser you are choosing to overlook.

You need to sever all finances, get out of that house.

Cancel all party plans and move back home.

You are headed for a life of heartache.

Luckily we don't share finances. I purchased the house myself. I pay all of the bills there while it is being fixed up, and he pays the bills for his place. In every one of his texts he just keeps blaming me and saying I'm not going to change. It's killing me thinking about all the ways I wasn't good enough.

[glows]

I don't think talking with his mother will help. Avoid speaking to any of his friends or family. You've already seen him exactly as he is. What more info could you want and least of all from his mother who is most likely to defend him? 

You have your own family such as your father who helped you leave. You're too hurt right now and are going to people who can't help you with this dysfunctional, hurtful and manipulative person.

Don't think about what you don't have (just this person). You have a lot of other things going for you and to care for like the baby, a new house, your new freedom, the ultrasound tomorrow, the support of your parents/dad. 

Feeling inadequate and constantly at push/pull with a partner is the most rotten, horrible feeling one can go through. Seek more, look for better in your future forwards.

 

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, heartbrokeninlove said:

My fiance and I have been engaged for almost 2 months, and have been together for over a year.

Sympathize with your distress, but this moved way too fast IMO. There were aspects to this guy that you did really know. For example, I would agree he is abusive (at least emotionally abusive) and now that he has "turned" you have discovered these issues in spades.

Your best bet IMO is to recognize that he is NOT a safe partner. You have been deceived by what is essentially all an act. Recognize this, then walk away, mourn in peace until you can accept it, and move on with your life and towards a new and better partner.

[heartbrokeninlove]

1 minute ago, Deckert said:

Try again. How about ""I'm ashamed to admit that I'm still with a guy who does all these other things that are so bad I don't even want to mention it to anonymous people who don't know us in real life".

Haha. I know he has some experiences in his life that I could never imagine doing myself. But I looked past that because again, he was so sweet and appreciative in the beginning. I couldn't be without him and that's why I felt the need to buy a house and move up there to be with him. I thought that he was a good person, who maybe has just had some rough times in life but now I'm just trying to understand the truth.

[heartbrokeninlove]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

I don't think talking with his mother will help. Avoid speaking to any of his friends or family. You've already seen him exactly as he is. What more info could you want and least of all from his mother who is most likely to defend him? 

You have your own family such as your father who helped you leave. You're too hurt right now and are going to people who can't help you with this dysfunctional, hurtful and manipulative person.

Don't think about what you don't have (just this person). You have a lot of other things going for you and to care for like the baby, a new house, your new freedom, the ultrasound tomorrow, the support of your parents/dad. 

Feeling inadequate and constantly at push/pull with a partner is the most rotten, horrible feeling one can go through. Seek more, look for better in your future forwards.

 

I know she will defend him, she had texted me first so we chatted about it for a bit. She gave me a hug and told me she was so sorry. I am so grateful to have my own family, both my mother and father are here for me. I will probably end up selling the house as it is in his small town and I don't have a support system there. I don't think I can relive this all each day. And I'm not sure I can co-parent with him at this point.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, heartbrokeninlove said:

 In every one of his texts he just keeps blaming me and saying I'm not going to change. It's killing me thinking about all the ways I wasn't good enough.

Typical abuser/drunk. Run.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, heartbrokeninlove said:

I know she will defend him, she had texted me first so we chatted about it for a bit. She gave me a hug and told me she was so sorry. I am so grateful to have my own family, both my mother and father are here for me. I will probably end up selling the house as it is in his small town and I don't have a support system there. I don't think I can relive this all each day. And I'm not sure I can co-parent with him at this point.

No you're right.  He's still a child and you will see after your baby is born you won't have time to put up with his foolishness.  He needs to get to work and start paying for the babies he's making.  Make sure you file for your child's support first before the other woman wises up to him and files.

[heartbrokeninlove]

So I am not the abusive one for accusing him of cheating on me?

[spiderowl]

It is hard for us to know what is going on here.  I do appreciate that you are feeling vulnerable now without him.  

You mentioned that he was saying you had been violent towards him?  You didn't mention what happened there, only that he had been violent towards himself.  What is the real situation?

Regardless, this is a guy who has a history of 'crazy' girlfriends.  That could be bad luck on his part or he could have a way of making his girlfriends feel like they are going crazy - what do you think?

I know you are scared being on your own, but this was such a volatile relationship that if you went back into it, it is likely to get more volatile.  Bringing a baby into that situation would not be responsible.  Things were pretty desperate if he was thumping walls and hitting himself, irrespective of whether you were in fact doing anything violent towards him.

People who are volatile and changeable also seem to be very addictive to some.  Relationships without drama and emotion do not seem quite right, if you are used to volatility.  But, it is important to get used to a normal relationship because the dramatic ones usually end in tears and trauma.  I doubt you want that for your baby.

Will your family support you, if you decide to go ahead and have the baby?  I really think you need to wean yourself off your ex because he is likely to be dangerous.

Edited December 9, 2021 by spiderowl

[spiderowl]

5 hours ago, heartbrokeninlove said:

Luckily we don't share finances. I purchased the house myself. I pay all of the bills there while it is being fixed up, and he pays the bills for his place. In every one of his texts he just keeps blaming me and saying I'm not going to change. It's killing me thinking about all the ways I wasn't good enough.

He is saying you are not good enough.  He is trying to blame you.  Have you noticed that he has not claimed responsibility for anything that has happened - everything is your fault.  Now, I am pretty sure you are not a bad person and you genuinely loved this guy.  He is treating you like crap, as if you have psychological problems.  He has problems, he has anger issues, disrespects women and then blames them for his disrespect.  He is now trying to get you to come crawling back to him - if and when he allows you to.  He is on a power trip here and he thinks he has got you well and truly gaslighted and under the thumb.  I suspect if you ignore his messages and do not respond, they will get ever more insulting as he tries to provoke you into trying to please him again.  Please look up gaslighting.  Do not fall for all this crap from him.  I suspect he is an expert manipulator who gets women to fall for him by being utterly charming at first and then turns everything back onto them when they notice him creeping into infidelity.  If he thought you and he were not suited, he could have said so, he didn't need to do throw all this 'you are at fault, you are mentally ill and deluded, mindf**k' rubbish at you.  This guy you loved is not worth one iota of your attention now.

Edited December 9, 2021 by spiderowl