spiderowl Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 20 minutes ago, spiderowl said: It is hard for us to know what is going on here. I do appreciate that you are feeling vulnerable now without him. You mentioned that he was saying you had been violent towards him? You didn't mention what happened there, only that he had been violent towards himself. What is the real situation? AMENDMENT, it seems that the traumatic, violent event happened before you met him so you are not responsible, my misunderstanding. Regardless, this is a guy who has a history of 'crazy' girlfriends. That could be bad luck on his part or he could have a way of making his girlfriends feel like they are going crazy - what do you think? I know you are scared being on your own, but this was such a volatile relationship that if you went back into it, it is likely to get more volatile. Bringing a baby into that situation would not be responsible. Things were pretty desperate if he was thumping walls and hitting himself, irrespective of whether you were in fact doing anything violent towards him. People who are volatile and changeable also seem to be very addictive to some. Relationships without drama and emotion do not seem quite right, if you are used to volatility. But, it is important to get used to a normal relationship because the dramatic ones usually end in tears and trauma. I doubt you want that for your baby. Will your family support you, if you decide to go ahead and have the baby? I really think you need to wean yourself off your ex because he is likely to be dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 Not going to sugar-coat this one: This man is a violent, gaslighting, unstable, abusive cheater. Full stop. You need to get away from him and get yourself into therapy - not for him, but for you. You are so deep in this you cannot see the danger ahead if you choose to stay. He is bad, bad news. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 14 hours ago, heartbrokeninlove said: So I am not the abusive one for accusing him of cheating on me? Of course not. You need to get away from him ASAP. He is not a good co parent as you can see from the way he treats his other child. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 On 12/8/2021 at 12:12 PM, heartbrokeninlove said: I know she will defend him, she had texted me first so we chatted about it for a bit. She gave me a hug and told me she was so sorry. I am so grateful to have my own family, both my mother and father are here for me. I will probably end up selling the house as it is in his small town and I don't have a support system there. I don't think I can relive this all each day. And I'm not sure I can co-parent with him at this point. I remembered the other day about your ultrasound. Did everything go ok? How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbrokeninlove Posted December 13, 2021 Author Share Posted December 13, 2021 2 hours ago, glows said: I remembered the other day about your ultrasound. Did everything go ok? How are you doing? Yes, the ultrasound went well and I was able to see the heartbeat. I am now back at my fiancé’s house, but unsure of how to feel about things. I really cannot trust he won’t do this all over again. He says he called for a therapy appointment but I am not sure he will actually follow through. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 57 minutes ago, heartbrokeninlove said: He says he called for a therapy appointment but I am not sure he will actually follow through. You shouldn't have gone back to his house until after he went to the therapy appointment. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 57 minutes ago, heartbrokeninlove said: Yes, the ultrasound went well and I was able to see the heartbeat. I am now back at my fiancé’s house, but unsure of how to feel about things. I really cannot trust he won’t do this all over again. He says he called for a therapy appointment but I am not sure he will actually follow through. Because of how those fights escalated the worry is your safety and your child's. You know you have your family to lean on if you need to leave for good. Please be careful. Glad to hear the ultrasound went well and you could see the heartbeat. I hope the pregnancy goes smoothly too. Keep us updated.. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 14, 2021 Share Posted December 14, 2021 14 hours ago, heartbrokeninlove said: . He says he called for a therapy appointment Therapy won't transform him into a decent honest man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted December 14, 2021 Share Posted December 14, 2021 Honey, this is a classic example of gas lighting. If you’re not leaving anything out, his actions are causing a reaction from you. And he’s then blaming you. Listen, he’s an engaged man soon to be the father of your child. You should feel 100% safe in the relationship that he’s not cheating, or courting other women or having inappropriate conversations. Deleted texts are a huge red flag. It was his choice to then gas light you into thinking you’re the crazy one. Even to suggest hospitalization. That’s extreme gas lighting. And dangerous. If it’s this bad now, it’ll get to the point that you’re questioning the reality of your relationship. That’s no way to live. If I were you, I would separate for now. Being a single mom isnt terrible. I’m a 100% single mom to 3. It’s hard but a LOT less harder than parenting with an unstable, gas lighting, mean abusive partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bene Posted December 16, 2021 Share Posted December 16, 2021 (edited) On 12/8/2021 at 6:47 PM, heartbrokeninlove said: We have had so many great times. This is the thing with bad relationships - you cling to the good times you had as if this was his true nature and the present is some misunderstandings. These good times are only a fraction of your entire relationship and the fraction gets smaller and smaller in time. You have moved on very quickly if all this has happened in just more than a year. On 12/8/2021 at 6:47 PM, heartbrokeninlove said: He would punch walls, himself, and throw things, and there was lots of yelling, and I would follow him around the house trying to resolve things. I have never been in fights that escalate like that with anyone else. He has told me, however, that that is how fights go normally in relationships. No. Just no. This is absolutely not how things normally go. Not all couples fight and even in an argument people will remain respectful in a healthy relationship. On 12/8/2021 at 6:47 PM, heartbrokeninlove said: I am absolutely terrified of becoming a single mother, and also just at the thought of having to continue coping with this situation. It’s understandable that you mourn the vision of your future where you have a loving family and a new baby. However he is not the guy who will give you that. It’s heartbreaking but this is the cold reality. You need to look after yourself and the baby now. Use all the help you can get. Please look up the term “gaslighting”. I see a lot of signs here as you have already started questioning your own judgment. Edited December 16, 2021 by bene Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 16, 2021 Share Posted December 16, 2021 On 12/13/2021 at 11:48 PM, stillafool said: You shouldn't have gone back to his house until after he went to the therapy appointment. I absolutely agree. OP, you need to quietly arrange a back-up plan here. This man is very unstable and abusive, and this will happen again. So ask yourself, where are you going to go next time it does? Link to post Share on other sites
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