Ending the Cycle of Abuse Once and for All

[Mommywarrior1]

I'm new here, but reaching out to you all for a little support.  I have been in a verbally, financially, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive marriage for seven years.  After an event a few weeks ago I have decided to end the cycle once and for all.  I have tried many times to leave, but my insecurities, fears, and manipulation by my spouse pulled me back in.  What the last straw was doesn't really matter, but I am seeking counseling and help to break free from what I can only envision as a dismal future.  What has changed this time you ask?  I have accepted my reality that the only way this will end if I don't end it is with violence, chemical dependency, irreparable damage to my children's well being, and/or all of the above.  The uncertainties that lay ahead as a single mom now seem insignificant and pale in comparison to what the future will hold if I stayed.  I am intimidated by the future alone, but terrified what would happen if I didn't end it now.  Over the past couple of weeks I have felt like I was standing on the precipice, and the point of no return.  I have lost my confidence, my sense of self, my sanity, and any sense of peace afforded to any stranger on the street.  It's like starting over, rebuilding on solid ground instead of sinking in the quicksand I have known these years.  It's difficult to discern what reality is after being told for so long how I SHOULD see it.  It's grieving for a fake future I thought I had with someone, and the person I thought my spouse could be.  It's realizing I haven't been crazy all this time, but living in a fog of denial and hope things could be different THIS TIME.

 

My overriding fear that propelled me is that my children would use my marriage a blueprint for their future relationships.  I was afraid they would think it's okay for a man to devalue and demean a woman, and smooth things over with an apology (much like I did growing up with my parents), or promises of financial stability, counseling that never happened, or worse yet, true change.    I'm learning abuse is insidious, generational, and sometimes invisible.  My therapist said something this morning that rocked me to my core.  She said my spouse is a coward because he prays on the weak.  Weak was never a word I would have used to describe myself before this marriage, and not a word I would use to describe myself if you asked me now.  Yet I understand this intellectually and I have given my spouse this power during our marriage.  I don't think of myself as a victim, but I do beat myself up for staying this long.  It's excessive, and worse than anything my spouse has probably said to me over the years.  I'm looking for that magic moment when I forgive myself for letting this go as long as it has.

 

It's all very confusing, a flurry of emotions day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.  I know in my heart, my mind, and my gut I am making the right choices to be free.  I miss the woman I used to be, I miss the laughter and the joy and the feeling of endless possibilities.  I miss being curious, and learning, and and growing.  I've stopped growing.  There has to be some freedom in rediscovering this person instead of feeling like I'm trying to play beat the clock.

 

If anyone out there is listening, and has made it to the other side, throw me a rope.  I just want to know this all gets better.

 

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by TwinMamacita

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, TwinMamacita said:

I have accepted my reality that the only way this will end if I don't end it is with violence, chemical dependency, irreparable damage to my children's well being, and/or all of the above.

You need practical help. That means trusted friends family and professionals.

Your therapist is wasting your time if she's talking about who's weak, a coward blah blah. but not giving you appropriate and real tools to leave. 

 Secretly and confidentially plan your exit. Get a PO box or use a trusted friends address. Have all important mail sent there. Get a safety deposit box. Put all your documents and valuables in there. Next open a bank account in your name only. Next consult an attorney about divorce. 

Do not discuss anything with your husband . Ever. Do all this privately and confidentially. Only talk to your husband about drab household garbage. We need milk, who's picking up the kids etc. When you talk to an abuser about your feeling you're loading the gun they'll use on you.

Talking to therapist about your feelings is fine as an outlet, but with out actual and real actions including a realistic plan to extricate yourself, it's just hot air. The damage to you kids is already done. All you can do is make sure you are honest with your attorney and insist on supervised visitation only.

You don't need a rope. You need a plan of action.

 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

43 minutes ago, Mommywarrior1 said:

It's all very confusing, a flurry of emotions day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.  I know in my heart, my mind, and my gut I am making the right choices to be free.  I miss the woman I used to be, I miss the laughter and the joy and the feeling of endless possibilities.  I miss being curious, and learning, and and growing.  I've stopped growing.  There has to be some freedom in rediscovering this person instead of feeling like I'm trying to play beat the clock.

All this will come back in time. You may be surprised by the force or back log of it. It comes much later once you've extricated yourself and are starting to rebuild your life after your divorce.

It doesn't sound like you are separated yet. Do you have a lawyer?

[vla1120]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need practical help. That means trusted friends family and professionals.

Your therapist is wasting your time if she's talking about who's weak, a coward blah blah. but not giving you appropriate and real tools to leave. 

 Secretly and confidentially plan your exit. Get a PO box or use a trusted friends address. Have all important mail sent there. Get a safety deposit box. Put all your documents and valuables in there. Next open a bank account in your name only. Next consult an attorney about divorce. 

Do not discuss anything with your husband . Ever. Do all this privately and confidentially. Only talk to your husband about drab household garbage. We need milk, who's picking up the kids etc. When you talk to an abuser about your feeling you're loading the gun they'll use on you.

Talking to therapist about your feelings is fine as an outlet, but with out actual and real actions including a realistic plan to extricate yourself, it's just hot air. The damage to you kids is already done. All you can do is make sure you are honest with your attorney and insist on supervised visitation only.

You don't need a rope. You need a plan of action.

 

Wiseman2 hit the nail on the head. Have an exit plan. That's what I had to do. I kept him completely in the dark. I found another place to live, made all the arrangements, then packed what I wanted to take with me and moved out while he was at work one night. My husband was not physically abusive to me, but emotionally and verbally - yes. He was also extremely controlling with the finances. I secretly set up my own bank account and worked it out so that my paycheck would start being direct deposited in my new account the payday after I moved out. Like Wiseman said, do not discuss any of this with your husband. Do you have a trusted support system who can help you with this? You can also access resources in your area for domestic abuse that can help you take out a restraining order if this is something you think you need to do. Best of luck. You are courageous for deciding to break this cycle.

[stillafool]

Yes lot's of women have made it to the other side.  You have to start with a plan and a date to execute it.  Do you have relatives or friends in place to help you?  Start moving your things out little by little so when the day comes to leave you'll just have to worry about getting yourself and the kids out and away safely.  He cannot know your whereabouts after you leave.