Can't find the courage to leave. Will I regret it?

[Silverwitch21]

I have been with my OH for a year now, he moved in after 7 months, moved out the day after we returned from an unsuccessful holiday, then moved back in 2 months later. 3 months in and I am resenting him being here.

He is a nice man, but with some streaks I don't like. He isn't violent or nasty to me, but can be cold and harsh towards the world (something I am not) He smokes cannabis most days (not at home anymore) and I hate how it makes him and I hate the smell. He said after the first move out that if I asked him to stop the cannabis completely we had no way forward. I have kept this at the back of my mind, thinking i could deal with it but I cant. After I told him not to smoke on the boundaries of my property, he said OK and then shortly after, said he wouldn't be coming to my family with me on Christmas.

I feel we are two different, independent people who live under the same roof and im starting to resent how I do everything (I don't want his help but there is no offer there) I suffer with anxiety and it just stresses me out that I feel I'm running a hotel, but at the same time I'd rather do it all myself, properly. I'm my own worst enemy regarding that. I dont want to be intimate with him (sex isnt great) and honestly feel that if I wasn't in this relationship nothing would change about my life.

He doesn't directly bring me down but my mindset about all this is depressing me. I'm just too much of a wimp to sit down and tell him I dont think this is going to work long term. I'm no longer in love with him amd when I see myself in old age, he is not in the picture of the future. We get on well but aren't as good a fit as we thought at the start.

I am scared I will regret it though because I fear I will be alone for the rest of my life. I dont want to hurt him but know it will, especially when he has to move out probably to his mums. But I also feel I would be settling for an unfulfilled life because I might be worried about dying alone. I know its dramatic. We don't have children, aren't married and the thought of marrying him scares me to death which tells me straight away he's not the one. I just cant bring myself to tell him this because I don't want to upset him because I do care deeply for him. I think he knows something is wrong as he doesn't call me baby anymore, and kisses my forehead instead of my mouth. We're in a friendship. How can I do this to him? 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Silverwitch21 said:

he moved in after 7 months, moved out the day after we returned from an unsuccessful holiday, then moved back in 2 months later. 3 months in and I am resenting him being here.

Way too much too soon. Stop the move-in, move-out, move-in chaos. You're not compatible and dating 28 weeks is to determine that not play house and play rotating doors. Give him appropriate legal notice, tell him you're incompatible and ask him to move out and stop the chaos, stop trying to change or fix him..

[spiderowl]

He knows something is wrong.  You might as well tell him.  He can move out and be with his mum if she'll have him.

You know you are not happy and that you don't want to be with him.  You are just putting off the inevitable.

Edited December 9, 2021 by spiderowl

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Silverwitch21 said:

How can I do this to him? 

Do what? It doesn't sound like he really wants to be in the relationship anymore, either. He's pulling out of this just as much as you are. 

It's damaged beyond repair now, so it's best to set yourselves free. Fear of being alone is not a good reason to stay in an unhappy relationship that is more than likely going to end at some point anyway. 

[S2B]

Life is too short - tell him it’s not working for you. You need to start being capable of stating exactly how you feel.

 

[glows]

I'd rather die alone than live alone (lonely, tied in a lousy relationship).  Your relationship sounds painful, lonely and ironically you're living the nightmare you didn't want. You're hanging on too tightly to something that is no longer working. It's ok to let go and dare yourself to find more happiness. 

Make peace with this not working. I reckon he will be happier without you too so feeling sorry for him may be your mind playing tricks or feeling guilty. Turn to your friends and family after the break up and stick to whatever you decide.

 

[dramafreezone]

On 12/8/2021 at 12:55 PM, Silverwitch21 said:

I am scared I will regret it though because I fear I will be alone for the rest of my life.

I know this is a very common fear but honestly I think being in a horrible relationship is worse than being alone, when you consider the horrible things people in dysfunctional relationships do to one another.