Signs of more than s.

[Xox51]

Okay; long time no imply...

But; once again, I find myself Downing a bottle of wine, wondering where communication failed; because IT DID! And so did I. 
CAN I MAKE ONE THING CLEAR;

i learned to detach ...  When i know things are done, tough, or not my way. I can flick a switch. But, not until I KNOW I am done.

brief over look;

On again; off again; affair. In total (almost a year so sweetly mentioned by MM I didnt notice, actually.) It is always; wam bam. But; this time. Noope. After, making myself clear, it’s just sex. Agreeing to this... How does it take a turn? Wasn’t the first time; maybe the last? But this time, there was that eye connection and my forbidden “no-no” is NO kissing. (Sounds bizarre to you? It is a thing; it is a way to stay detached...)  Am I crazy for wanting to know if HIM agreeing to my circumstances was just a way to continue this on? A selfish measure to fulfill his cup of needy attention and ego stroke...?
HE IS MM! I am in a committed relationship.
 

Don’t tell me I am the only other one; get annoyed that other guys at work talk about me; send me songs you are “randomly” listening to; then LOOK ME IN THE EYE while you are... you know.. get upset i do not contact you first; get insure about my man with me; then act distant (small chatter; then 2 months we cycle Back through.)

I am having a brain aneurism this time.  I know this is all wrong, but I will NOT lie. I am selfish. If my extra affairs aren’t smooth, neither is my relationship... and vis versa.

Moral of The story; WE AGREED we Were on the same page... just sex; just attraction; still love Our SO’s; and don’t believe one person forever. So, why spiral me with mixed messages? Should i mentally cut the cord; even if doing that I know I will lose Both, because I will shut down my emotions entirely. It always happens. Or ignore it all and focus on my current relationship getting back on track? 

i always end up cheating. I was so proud my current partner and I made It 9 years before I did. I bragged on it. I still love him; as unbelievable as it may sound, but I just do NOT know how to not do this. Attention is definitely at play; but it has to be more than that. .. maybe I am the toxic one. Maybe me giving both men the cold shoulder Created this for me, and karma is playing on me mentally. I just do not know where to begin with myself. This was mostly a rant, BUT EVERYTIME I COME HERE; you all just help ground me. And I need grounded! 

I think what i am getting at; is how do you know it turned from fun to lust or, maybe even love?

Edited December 9, 2021 by Xox51

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Xox51 said:

Attention is definitely at play; but it has to be more than that. .. maybe I am the toxic one.

With kindness, an emotionally healthy person doesn’t write a post that sounds this lost and desperate. And, relationships that are on-again off-again, especially extramarital affairs with (as you describe it) the emotional push-pull/highs-lows, tend for obvious reasons not to be healthy relationships. Regardless of whether you are the “toxic one,” this is a toxic relationship for you.

1 hour ago, Xox51 said:

my forbidden “no-no” is NO kissing. (Sounds bizarre to you? It is a thing; it is a way to stay detached...)

Only in the movies does this work - and not even then apparently. Pretty Woman was a modern day fairytale. Not reality. Clearly, you are not detached if you wrote a post like this and you final question is - has this turned from fun/list to love? Ie. is it possible that he loves me? It sounds like you passed fun/lust a long time ago - and there is nothing wrong with that. Not many people are able to engage in long term sexual relationships without developing feelings. Your mistake here was perhaps assuming that you could keep it casual…

Edited December 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[Xox51]

51 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

With kindness, an emotionally healthy person doesn’t write a post that sounds this lost and desperate. And, relationships that are on-again off-again, especially extramarital affairs with (as you describe it) the emotional push-pull/highs-lows, tend for obvious reasons not to be healthy relationships. Regardless of whether you are the “toxic one,” this is a toxic relationship for you.

Only in the movies does this work - and not even then apparently. Pretty Woman was a modern day fairytale. Not reality. Clearly, you are not detached if you wrote a post like this and you final question is - has this turned from fun/list to love? Ie. is it possible that he loves me? It sounds like you passed fun/lust a long time ago - and there is nothing wrong with that. Not many people are able to engage in long term sexual relationships without developing feelings. Your mistake here was perhaps assuming that you could keep it casual…

Maybe I misspoke...

I meant, I can detach. Like, Once I do; I turn off feelings for everyone and everything... if pushed mentally. Not by choice.

It may be a “movie” thing... but the last 10 months it hasnt been an issue. I have had other affairs where it never happened... *sigh*
 

Maybe you are right... it passed casual.

Just happened so subtly that it slipped through the cracks and just was not noticed until, now! 
What is mind blowing is, if I was reading this from an outsidE perspective it would be simple to put into perspective. But, once it is us directly; it is like we are blinded....,

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Xox51 said:

I meant, I can detach. Like, Once I do; I turn off feelings for everyone and everything... if pushed mentally. Not by choice.

You shut down, emotionally, when pushed to your limit. Like many people…

18 minutes ago, Xox51 said:

I have had other affairs where it never happened... *sigh*

Is this a good thing? 

18 minutes ago, Xox51 said:

if I was reading this from an outsidE perspective it would be simple to put into perspective. But, once it is us directly; it is like we are blinded....,

Again, with kindness, it does look pretty simple to put this in perspective. You are a woman who is in what I’m assuming your partner believes to be a monogamous relationship, and by your own description, monogamy is not your thing. You speak of the fact that you made it nine years into your relationship with your current partner before you cheated as though this is an accomplishment - it’s not. But, that’s beside the point. Now, you have apparently gone back to your affair partner with whom you have been on-again/off-again and you have fallen back into what I would assume is the same old pattern - the hallmark of almost every affair… He loves me, he pushes me away… what does this mean? Does he really have feelings for me? Do I have feelings for him? And my friend, if you are asking yourself these questions you are most definitely heavily involved in the affair and not emotionally detached…

The question becomes, is this what you choose for your life?


 

Edited December 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Xox51 said:

; once again, I find myself Downing a bottle of wine.

almost a year so sweetly mentioned by MM I didnt notice, actually. It is always; wam bam. 

Is this an open marriage? The first step is to get sober. You'll like yourself a lot better and make better choices.

For example. A healthier lifestyle. Deciding to divorce or repair your marriage.

Get an evaluation from a physician for your physical and mental health. Talk about the anger depression and anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.