princessaurora Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 One of my college besties got divorced about a year ago and she recently posted a picture with her new man who also happens to be one of my ex boyfriends. He wasn't a bad guy but he did have some unappealing traits. He would call my house and when I didn't answer, he'd hang up and call right back. This would sometimes go on for hours and it really freaked me out. He was also very insecure and would get really upset when other guys hit on me while we were out. Eventually, I just got so fed up with it, I ghosted him in the middle of the relationship because I didn't know what else to do and it took him weeks of leaving unanswered messages before he finally gave up. He's a pharmacist now and several years ago, I was getting a prescription filled at a different pharmacy than I normally use and he was there. As soon as I saw him, I pretended I had a phone call and had a fake conversation so he wouldn't have a chance to talk to me. I still feel like he probably hates me because of how I just stopped talking to him all of a sudden. I know he was married at some point, , but I presume he's divorced now just like my friend. Should I even mention to her we used to date? And if she asks me about him do I tell her the things he did? I'd hate to have her make assumptions about him when those things happened over 20 years ago. But at the same time, if she continues seeing him and wants me to meet him at some point, she may be upset I kept it from her, and if it turns out he's still clingy and insecure she might be mad I didn't warn her.
basil67 Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 Yes, do tell her that he's an ex. But twenty years is a very long time and most people grow and learn a whole lot during that time. Not to mention, as you ghosted him, you did play a roll in him blowing up your phone. That said, while he likely lost respect for you, I doubt he hates you - it's been twenty years and it's not like the hurt is still fresh. I'd leave the past in the past unless history starts to repeat itself. 1
Author princessaurora Posted December 9, 2021 Author Posted December 9, 2021 27 minutes ago, basil67 said: Yes, do tell her that he's an ex. But twenty years is a very long time and most people grow and learn a whole lot during that time. Not to mention, as you ghosted him, you did play a roll in him blowing up your phone. That said, while he likely lost respect for you, I doubt he hates you - it's been twenty years and it's not like the hurt is still fresh. I'd leave the past in the past unless history starts to repeat itself. Well, he was blowing up my phone long before I ghosted him. It just got worse after I did. But hopefully he's not like that anymore since it was ages ago.
basil67 Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 38 minutes ago, princessaurora said: Well, he was blowing up my phone long before I ghosted him. It just got worse after I did. But hopefully he's not like that anymore since it was ages ago. Sorry, my point was the the blowing up the phone while you were in a relationship was unusual and worrying. If you do disclose to your friend, the first part is the part which is concerning. But his reaction to you ghosting is really not abnormal.
salparadise Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 If you mention that you dated the guy 20 years ago as if it was no big deal –– and don't say anything negative about him or go into any detail –– that's probably the best you can do. That keeps things on the up and up with your friend without interference in their relationship. You didn't like him, but she may think he's great. It's just not up to you to get in between them and try to turn her against him. Hopefully he'll be as honorable and not tell her about how you ghost people. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 Keep it simple. The truth without the spin and drama. Simply state "I know him,we dated once a long time ago". It's odd you describe this as your best friend but don't know much about each other.
Author princessaurora Posted December 9, 2021 Author Posted December 9, 2021 3 hours ago, salparadise said: If you mention that you dated the guy 20 years ago as if it was no big deal –– and don't say anything negative about him or go into any detail –– that's probably the best you can do. That keeps things on the up and up with your friend without interference in their relationship. You didn't like him, but she may think he's great. It's just not up to you to get in between them and try to turn her against him. Hopefully he'll be as honorable and not tell her about how you ghost people. I think that's what I'll do. Just say we dated back in college before I met her and leave the rest out because he may be a totally different person now.
Author princessaurora Posted December 9, 2021 Author Posted December 9, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Keep it simple. The truth without the spin and drama. Simply state "I know him,we dated once a long time ago". It's odd you describe this as your best friend but don't know much about each other. She was my college bestie, not my current one. I don't live close to her anymore, so we only get together every now and then.
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 1 hour ago, princessaurora said: She was my college bestie, not my current one. I don't live close to her anymore, so we only get together every now and then. Ok. Keep it simple. Again, reflect on your motivation to trash him. Simply state you dated a long long time ago. That's it. No nasty details. She will find out who he is (now) in due time. 1
glows Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 I might mention it to a close friend but have no desire at all discussing the past with someone I don't keep in close contact with. If you're doing all of this over social media and texting, I'd pass. She will discover on her own what kind of person he is. 1 1
Author princessaurora Posted December 9, 2021 Author Posted December 9, 2021 1 hour ago, glows said: I might mention it to a close friend but have no desire at all discussing the past with someone I don't keep in close contact with. If you're doing all of this over social media and texting, I'd pass. She will discover on her own what kind of person he is. We do get together for dinner sometimes when I travel to that area, but it's very sporadic. I'll just say I used to date him and he was nice if the subject comes up. 2
glows Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 5 minutes ago, princessaurora said: We do get together for dinner sometimes when I travel to that area, but it's very sporadic. I'll just say I used to date him and he was nice if the subject comes up. Good idea. I wouldn't say he was nice if he wasn't nice. It sounds like he was insecure around you when dating and possibly didn't know how to handle that or end things when they weren't working for him. If she probes you, I'd mention something like it was many, many years ago, it was short-lived and we weren't compatible but you wish them the best. People change and who knows. He may be a little more in tune with himself now and self-aware.
stillafool Posted December 9, 2021 Posted December 9, 2021 51 minutes ago, glows said: I wouldn't say he was nice if he wasn't nice. Me either. I would just say "we went out a few times but decided we weren't compatible" and leave it at that. 2
Author princessaurora Posted December 10, 2021 Author Posted December 10, 2021 8 hours ago, glows said: I wouldn't say he was nice if he wasn't nice He was a nice guy. I just couldn't handle his clingy behavior and the way he'd throw a tantrum whenever another guy would talk to me. He didn't even know I knew about all the calls because that was back before cell phones and the only reason I knew he was blowing up my phone was because I had caller id. Hopefully he's a more secure person now because I'd like to see her find happiness again. Her divorce was very nasty and he's already remarried.
Acacia98 Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, princessaurora said: He was a nice guy. I just couldn't handle his clingy behavior and the way he'd throw a tantrum whenever another guy would talk to me. He didn't even know I knew about all the calls because that was back before cell phones and the only reason I knew he was blowing up my phone was because I had caller id. Hopefully he's a more secure person now because I'd like to see her find happiness again. Her divorce was very nasty and he's already remarried. Sorry. That's not the behavior of a nice guy. It's the behavior of a guy who doesn't respect your boundaries. Please don't tell her he's nice. It may make her lean towards ignoring red flags she has already noticed. Just keep it neutral and say that you were incompatible. If she chooses to ask you more about him, you can go into more detail. Edited December 10, 2021 by Acacia98 1
Noproblem Posted December 10, 2021 Posted December 10, 2021 (edited) if you are friends, you should tell her, he was your boyfriend once and things didn't work out. if she go into depth, you can always explain to her stuff, be honest about it. I don't think he has changed. I think he was clingy and also calling someone if they don't pick up, could also be because they are worried something bad happened to you, a sign of anxiety! I find it disheartening to end things without closure though. You never confronted him and told him what was wrong, he never knew what was wrong, in his mind, he was calling to know what was wrong. One can say he didn't give up on you and wanted to see what was wrong, but you never told him. Probably, he never learned, because nobody told him. Edited December 10, 2021 by Noproblem 1
Author princessaurora Posted December 12, 2021 Author Posted December 12, 2021 I talked to my friend last night and told her we used to date. She asked me how long ago and we determined it must have been right before I met her. She said he's very nice but she's about to end it because he's an alcoholic due to the trauma of his divorce and his health is deteriorating rapidly. I told her it's very sad that happened to him and hope he gets the help he needs to cope. 1
Author princessaurora Posted December 12, 2021 Author Posted December 12, 2021 On 12/10/2021 at 2:18 AM, Noproblem said: I find it disheartening to end things without closure though. You never confronted him and told him what was wrong, he never knew what was wrong, in his mind, he was calling to know what was wrong. One can say he didn't give up on you and wanted to see what was wrong, but you never told him. Probably, he never learned, because nobody told him. This was not one of my proudest moments and I've always felt bad about it, but I don't like confrontation and decided to avoid it by simply not talking to him anymore. I've always had issues with confrontation. It makes me uncomfortable.. That's why when I met my husband I dragged out breaking up with my current bf another month. I just don't like hurting people. So I would pull away in the hopes they would break up with me. I do agree though, closure is important and it would have been better for his sake to give him that. I still have issues with those types of things today. There's an older woman at my work who takes stabs at different people from time to time, and recently she tried to start something with me. I just ignored it because I don't want to fight with her, but someone else at work over heard and blabbed to our boss. He called me in the office and tells me I need to come to him when she does such things, but I told him I can take care of myself and know how to pick my battles. I'd rather just smooth the waters before they become tidal waves by not engaging in the drama. 2
Wiseman2 Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 16 minutes ago, princessaurora said: she's about to end it because he's an alcoholic. She's still seeing him?
Author princessaurora Posted December 12, 2021 Author Posted December 12, 2021 Yes, but she can't deal with his drinking anymore so she's about to break it off. 1
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