Feeling down

[Krem]

Hi all, I'm new here, excuse my typing as I'm not the best story teller

I'm suffering bad with a breakup and not being able to see my son I just need abit of advice.

First getting together. Was great everything seemed to fall in to place , we was head over heels for each other. I'd travel about 40 minutes to her house most days to see her, I could never stay there tho as she was in a hostel type thing and partners wernt aloud to stay, so I done quite abit of distance most days. But that never bothered me anyhow

Fast forward abit - we ended up moving down the road from her hostel in to a lovely 1 bedroom flat, yet again everything was brilliant I was so in love and I thought this was it for me. Being 30 and alot of failed relationships in the past I was happy.

So the arguing starts happening she seems to be snappy with me all the time over stupid little things, it started to get me down abit so we ended up breaking up for a week or so, I was suffering pretty bad through the heartbreak so I pretty much buried myself in doors at my mums a 40 min drive away.

Turns out she had been busy meeting up with men and she invited a man round that ended up raping her. I understand her pain and its so s*** she had to go through that. But at the same time I was distraught that she tried moving on so fast from me? Am I in the wrong for feeling like that?

Fast forward another week. We talked things out and from then on things were up and down constantly, arguing alot . But I comforted her so much over the rape situation and tried doing what I can, she has cystic fibrosis . So a lung condition and I was trying to help her with her medication constantly cause she'd normally forget it, I thought I was doing a good job in certain aspects showing I care. I always cooked and cleaned and she'd get very humpy at this point calling me o.c.d but I didn't see what the problem was I thought a clean house is a clean mind and makes you feel better.  So we find out she's pregnant soon after all these things had happened, my first thought was the baby was not mine. It sent me in to a very bad depression state and it killed me mentally. I still tried being the best I could but the relationship was failing quite bad at this point . Arguing constantly. I would still do alot for her but it never seemed to be good enough at this point. My mental state got worse. 

Fast forward abit more. We go to the hospital as baby is due, everything seems like it working out great. We catch covid in hospital and because of her lung condition they had to do an emergency c section, so it was a very scary time.

We all made it through got home with the baby and he's not very well he has covid and jaundus so things are really hard for both of us . Sleepless nights. I'm trying my hardest to help when I can from her recovering from her c section. The hospital wouldn't help atall and said he didn't have jaundus so it was very stressful, but the health visitor made us go back.

Fast forward to now, the fast couple of months have been terrible I feel like she's wanting to bite my head off constantly, even looking at me looks like she can't stand me , she's snapping at me for the tiniest things like burning some garlic bread to the point its really bad,  so the arguments got really bad at this stage and I would go to my mums for a day to let the arguments calm down abit cause I was sick of being moaned at and my head being torn off for literatly nothing sometimes,

She ended up breaking up with me last week and said that's it now. Saying I'm toxic and she don't want our son around a toxic relationship and that all the stuff I've done to her has f***ed her up and made her a person with no passion or anything. 

I was gobsmacked and absolutely heartbroken, I thought it would never have ended with the things she would always say to me that she don't want to ever lose me.

So I was trying to work things out emailing her as she's blocked me on everything else. She's not interested in talking to me atall. Her convos are so dead and attitude is rude, I've gone from seeing my 5 month old son from everyday, to hardly anything. I went there today and I was only aloud to see him for an hour in the bedroom on our own and not aloud to.leave the bedroom as she does not wanna even look at Me, I've asked if I could take him with me for a day and bring him back later in the night and the answer keeps being no. She doesn't trust me to bring him back but I have given no idea of not returning him. I'm mentally f***ed up I miss her and more important I miss my son so damn much it kills me.

Oh and she blames me for her being raped, everything is my fault.

I've been feeling really down and wondering if everyone's better off without me recently I need some advice cause I'm stuck and don't know what todo. It's easy to say take her court but I'm living at my mums on a sofa and not a hole lot of money. 

Do I move on ? I think she's already started talking to another man and it's only been a week. I fear for who goes around my son as the people she meets with are not nice people.

 

Thank you

 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Krem said:

She ended up breaking up with me last week and said that's it now. Saying I'm toxic and she don't want our son around a toxic relationship

She's right. It's toxic. Pay child support and figure a custody/visitation  schedule and stick to it.

The entire relationship was a toxic mess blaming each other for everything. 

[glows]

This seems confusing. It doesn't appear that she thinks of you as a partner or boyfriend at any point. Did she ever reciprocate any of her feelings at all or did you both agree what the terms of your relationship were? You both suddenly began living together but whose place is it? If it's hers solely, it would seem that you're where you're not wanted at all and your presence isn't appreciated there. Being with others and her hostility towards you is her showing and telling you that you don't belong there and she doesn't want to be with you. 

You don't know if this child is yours so get a paternity test done. There's no relationship here as far as she seems concerned and I think your self-esteem is very low from the beginning. Counselling for yourself, private counselling might not be bad idea. Take care of yourself.