Dating MM as he goes through a divorce; can he be trusted after long term a?

[kaylasummer]

Has anyone dated a MM going through a divorce? I met MM a little over four years ago. We have everything in common, became the best of friends, and did everything together over the 1 1/2 yr EA and 2 yr PA. His family accepted me, we shared mutual friends, and I’ve truly felt he was the one. Fast forward to D day. It was a mess. He left but went back; I’ve already shared this, so I won’t go into detail. I was heartbroken and remained strong on NC since memorial weekend. 

I ran in to him recently at our mutual friends’ holiday party. He did and said some things that would melt anyone’s heart. They also filed for D,. I’m still shocked as his family are all very against D. We’ve had some pretty deep conversations since and he let me know he has been in love with me for years. He told his xW this after dday as well. To add to everything she did (Messaging my family/friends, etc.. I don’t blame her.. I may have too), she told his entire family this which may have been a good thing, as they all supported him.

We’ve agreed he has a lot going on right now and will be taking things extremely slow. Here is my fear: he cheated on his W with me (EA/PA) for 3 1/2 years!! I found out he had cheated when they were first married as well! It’s nauseating to think about. He says it wasn’t right with her and he knew that before they even married (they married for the wrong reason). That doesn’t ease my mind. I saw first hand how easy it was to forget about his W & family at home while spending evenings and weekends with me. I saw first hand how he lied to her without batting an eye. Is he capable of lying/cheating down the road? He says no, but I’m sure he told his xW the same. I filed for D years ago during our EA. I can’t imagine lying/cheating through a long term PA. Really struggling with this. 

 

 

[mark clemson]

Anyone is capable. So, yeah. You'll need to keep an eye on him if/as you move forward.

Really, anyone should be keeping at least a bit of an eye on their partner. Even if they'd never cheat and you know it, people slowly change over time, so their attitudes/behaviors might morph a bit.

But obviously here, yeah, you need to.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

Is he capable of lying/cheating down the road? He says no, but I’m sure he told his xW the same.

Is he capable of doing this again, clearly the answer is yes.

I believe you are more accurately asking - will he do it again? Ie. Can he be trusted? Nobody can answer this with any certainty. There is no reassurance that anyone can offer.

Yes, you have seen first hand what he is capable of doing. As Maya Angelou said so eloquently, “when someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.” Ignore this at you own risk. 

Edited December 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

 He told his xW .. I saw first hand how he lied to her without batting an eye. Is he capable of lying/cheating down the road?

He's already lying. It's not his ex-wife. They are still married. You need to step way back and stop contacting him and his people.

[MilaVaneela]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Is he capable of doing this again, clearly the answer is yes.

I believe you are more accurately asking - will he do it again? Ie. Can he be trusted? Nobody can answer this with any certainty. There is no reassurance that anyone can offer.

Yes, you have seen first hand what he is capable of doing. As Maya Angelou said so eloquently, “when someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.” Ignore this at you own risk. 

Not to mention that there are quite a few cheating married men who, after going through a divorce, will rather hypocritically ditch the AP and start dating others because they “can’t trust someone who would be willing to cheat with a married person”. It does happen, sadly. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, kaylasummer said:

He says it wasn’t right with her and he knew that before they even married (they married for the wrong reason).

Well this would never happen with you because you are the love of his life.  You said he was your best friend so how can you not trust what he's telling you?

[LynneVicious]

You mention that you’re taking it slow, yet you’ve also rented a house together and you are pushing for your blended families to be together soon. 

If I may, with this new info, I think your concerns are legitimate. It’s already unlikely for this relationship to succeed since it’s based on an affair, but adding in that he’s left his wife before only to go back and you only reconnected again recently makes it even less likely. 

it seems you know deep down that this relationship is not at all sustainable, which is why maybe you’re pushing for him to get rid of his flat and move his kids in with you. 

Yes, you should be worried he will cheat again. 

[kaylasummer]

59 minutes ago, MilaVaneela said:

Not to mention that there are quite a few cheating married men who, after going through a divorce, will rather hypocritically ditch the AP and start dating others because they “can’t trust someone who would be willing to cheat with a married person”. It does happen, sadly. 

That’s crossed my mind as well.. or that he has been married since right out of college and may want his freedom. That’s why I’m guarding my heart, although easier said than done:(

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, kaylasummer said:

That’s why I’m guarding my heart, although easier said than done

It's very easily done. Stop contacting him and his people.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You're creating your own prison that you have the key to. Set yourself free.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting decent, honest single men.

Don't chase other peoples' spouses.

[kaylasummer]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well this would never happen with you because you are the love of his life.  You said he was your best friend so how can you not trust what he's telling you?

I know you’re being sarcastic, but to answer how I can’t trust him.. he has cheated on and lied to his W in the past. He’s probably lied to me throughout our A as well. It’s hard to fully trust someone capable of cheating/lying, even if they had their reasons. Will he do it again if we run in to a road bump or will he decide he’s never had his freedom and want to be single.  I know this is not something I want to live with. I wish I could just be strong and stay away from him. He’s like a damn magnet!

[stillafool]

Just now, kaylasummer said:

I know this is not something I want to live with. I wish I could just be strong and stay away from him. He’s like a damn magnet!

Well the only thing you can do is try him out and see if he's telling the truth.

[kaylasummer]

10 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

You mention that you’re taking it slow, yet you’ve also rented a house together and you are pushing for your blended families to be together soon. 

If I may, with this new info, I think your concerns are legitimate. It’s already unlikely for this relationship to succeed since it’s based on an affair, but adding in that he’s left his wife before only to go back and you only reconnected again recently makes it even less likely. 

it seems you know deep down that this relationship is not at all sustainable, which is why maybe you’re pushing for him to get rid of his flat and move his kids in with you. 

Yes, you should be worried he will cheat again. 

I think you have me confused with someone else on here. We’ve never lived together and have never rented/purchased a place together. He’s staying at his family cabin. I have my own home. Regardless, I am worried of what a future with him might be.

[kaylasummer]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's very easily done. Stop contacting him and his people.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You're creating your own prison that you have the key to. Set yourself free.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting decent, honest single men.

Don't chase other peoples' spouses.

I wish it were that easy. He is like a magnet.. my weakness. I don’t know if I’m that strong.

[LynneVicious]

8 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

I think you have me confused with someone else on here. We’ve never lived together and have never rented/purchased a place together. He’s staying at his family cabin. I have my own home. Regardless, I am worried of what a future with him might be.

Oh yes, I did have you confused  with someone else, sorry. 

Still, he is a serial cheat. He’s cheated on his wife with not only you, but with someone else (that you know of)  Be says blah blah blah. His actions show he’s a cheater and a liar.

Please don’t fall into the trap of thinking your affair is so special and unique. It’s not. And once you transition into a relationship - with the stressors such as bills, kids, morning breath etc - you will see that the affair is fantasy and not sustainable in real life.

 

[LynneVicious]

2 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

he cheated on his W with me (EA/PA) for 3 1/2 years!! I found out he had cheated when they were first married as well! It’s nauseating to think about. He says it wasn’t right with her and he knew that before they even married (they married for the wrong reason)

Also this here. He says it wasn’t right. It’s just empty words. If it was so wrong, he wouldn’t have married her or left and gone back. It is standard cheaters script and it would be foolish to think he would remain faithful. 

[IrinaM]

you are putting the cart way before the horse. He needs to be really actually divorced. Not "we ran into each other at a party and he told me he filed."

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, kaylasummer said:

Will he do it again if we run in to a road bump or will he decide he’s never had his freedom and want to be single.  I know this is not something I want to live with.

Well then, you should not get with this guy. If you do, you will wonder everyday of your life if he is being honest and true. Every time he is late from work, you will wonder who he is with. Every time he goes out with his family on the weekend, you will wonder who he is with (after all, they’ve lied for him too in the past). If you know this is not something you want to live with - don’t. 

And please, don’t tell us that you have no control here - aka the magnet excuse. You have complete control of your decisions, so own that. If you go back to try this out, that’s fine… but, it’s a choice you are making. Just as, you will own the responsibility if he cheats on you and hurts you again. 

[kaylasummer]

1 hour ago, IrinaM said:

you are putting the cart way before the horse. He needs to be really actually divorced. Not "we ran into each other at a party and he told me he filed."

I agree. Trying really hard to guard my heart and proceed slowly with caution.

[FMW]

Of course he might cheat with someone else.  So might you (whether or not you think so).  Being involved in an affair (or being cheated on) robs you of a certain amount of trust and security in future relationships.   You no longer have the innocence of being able to think "that would never happen".  Our experiences, good or bad, become part of who we are.  You have seen what each other is willing to do.  It's smart to consider the possibility it might happen with someone else.  

You have to choose whether or not your love and desire to transition to a different type of relationship is stronger than your doubts and distrust.  

[AnnK]

They cheat  WITH you? They  will  cheat ON you. Sad fact of life.

[basil67]

Was he formally separated for the whole four years you've been together?   

[Pumpernickel]

 

@kaylasummer – I went through pretty much the same exact thing a good while ago:

Affair with a man who had been married for a loooong time (and like you, I was told I was his 2nd AP; unlike you, I have never been married myself, though).

He wanted a divorce, badly, and there was a little bit of a back-and-forth (for about 1 year or so, but we never split, neither during that time nor during the following D process), because his then-wife was NOT on board with the divorce decision. She knew about me as well. They did eventually divorce (after we had been "dating" for about 4—5 years), and then we were together "officially" for a few more years. Then we broke up. 

I never had any doubts or worries that he would cheat on me, even though in retrospect he might have/probably did (??); I can't be sure, though, and I will never know, but, like I said, I was never concerned about that all too much for some reason. I guess I am not the jealous type?

We are no longer together, for other reasons, but the whole thing lasted almost 10 years. I mean, you really never know. It could have lasted just as well. (Probably if I had made more of an effort. 😁 Full-time Rs & LTR are not for me, I think.)

What I am saying is that nobody knows what's going to happen. I never thought he would actually divorce, even though he talked about it all the time. But he did. I never really "wanted" him full-time, if I am honest with myself. But I really liked him a lot, loved him even, I think, so I went along. Maybe the transition from affair to relationship was a shock to my system, and maybe his system, too? I enjoyed our time together in the A, and my free time in-between trips and weekends together and stuff. 

And yes — I can relate to your thinking process when you say you're worried about him wanting to explore his freedom after ending such a long marriage. It makes sense that he would want to sleep with as many women as possible, after he has slept with only 1, 2 or 3 or maybe a handful more over a few decades. Who wants to be tied down right away after that? But again — you never know. I am very freedom-loving and independent, so I can more than understand a new divorcé who wants to play the field. And I am a woman!!! 

I don't want to say trust your gut. Just approach it logically. Talk to him. Try to be honest about your feelings and tell him that's what you expect from him as well. Honesty. He owes you that. Your future depends on it. (OK this sounds too needy.......make it sound less needy, but you get what I am saying, I am sure......)
And: Feel the fear and do it anyways! 

  

[Brian1223]

5 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

Has anyone dated a MM going through a divorce? I met MM a little over four years ago. We have everything in common, became the best of friends, and did everything together over the 1 1/2 yr EA and 2 yr PA. His family accepted me, we shared mutual friends, and I’ve truly felt he was the one. Fast forward to D day. It was a mess. He left but went back; I’ve already shared this, so I won’t go into detail. I was heartbroken and remained strong on NC since memorial weekend. 

I ran in to him recently at our mutual friends’ holiday party. He did and said some things that would melt anyone’s heart. They also filed for D,. I’m still shocked as his family are all very against D. We’ve had some pretty deep conversations since and he let me know he has been in love with me for years. He told his xW this after dday as well. To add to everything she did (Messaging my family/friends, etc.. I don’t blame her.. I may have too), she told his entire family this which may have been a good thing, as they all supported him.

We’ve agreed he has a lot going on right now and will be taking things extremely slow. Here is my fear: he cheated on his W with me (EA/PA) for 3 1/2 years!! I found out he had cheated when they were first married as well! It’s nauseating to think about. He says it wasn’t right with her and he knew that before they even married (they married for the wrong reason). That doesn’t ease my mind. I saw first hand how easy it was to forget about his W & family at home while spending evenings and weekends with me. I saw first hand how he lied to her without batting an eye. Is he capable of lying/cheating down the road? He says no, but I’m sure he told his xW the same. I filed for D years ago during our EA. I can’t imagine lying/cheating through a long term PA. Really struggling with this. 

 

 

That's actually really messed up if his family accepted you and were aware of the affair, along with mutual friends. If they all accepted you, they would accept him doing it to you. I truly don't believe anyone could be that special to put yourself through situations like this.... Goodluck with it. 

[kaylasummer]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Was he formally separated for the whole four years you've been together?   

That would have been ideal; I don’t think trusting him would cross my mind had that been the case. However, he was not separated until dday about 3 1/2 years in. His W contacted me at that time, told me I destroyed her family, and asked that I walk away from him as that was the only way she had a chance to get her husband and family back. I broke my heart, walked away, and requested NC. That was Memorial weekend.. and here we are now. 

[kaylasummer]

12 minutes ago, Brian1223 said:

That's actually really messed up if his family accepted you and were aware of the affair, along with mutual friends. If they all accepted you, they would accept him doing it to you. I truly don't believe anyone could be that special to put yourself through situations like this.... Goodluck with it. 

Good point. I was initially introduced to his family as his friend. His best friend also married my best friend during our initial EA.. They always said we were meant to be together, they never liked his W, and they were there to support us throughout . A little messed up yes! I see that.