Dating MM as he goes through a divorce; can he be trusted after long term a?

[Ha-ha]

I feel sorrier for the wife with each new post containing information about her. At the beginning I could sympathise with OP but now, I just want to hug the poor wife. 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Berlin said:

I feel sorrier for the wife with each new post containing information about her. At the beginning I could sympathise with OP but now, I just want to hug the poor wife. 

I agree.  The deceit is just..........

[Milly May June]

41 minutes ago, Berlin said:

I feel sorrier for the wife with each new post containing information about her. At the beginning I could sympathise with OP but now, I just want to hug the poor wife. 

OMG me too. I really chear on this divorce so this poor woman gets a distance from her ex, friends and family - the backstabbing bunch.

[ChrisTheCat]

On 1/25/2022 at 12:51 AM, ilikept said:

Going back to the opening post,   the question posed was whether he can be trusted.     

The answer to that question is that he can be trusted to be the person he is.  

This nails it.

There isn't anything else that is more certain !

[kaylasummer]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Please answer what’s been asked several times…

is the MM divorce final yet?

if not - when is that expected?

No:(

In a few months

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

No:(

In a few months

So she isn't his exWife yet.  Thanks for clearing that up.

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So she isn't his exWife yet.  Thanks for clearing that up

"There's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip."

The received wisdom is never to date separated men, they rarely know what they really want.

Edited January 26, 2022 by elaine567

[kaylasummer]

22 minutes ago, S2B said:

Ahhhh, so he is still married. 

have you stayed completely away and no contact until his divorce is final?

His D would have been final had he given in to what she’s requesting. He’s losing a lot (I know you’ll all say he deserves it!).  He just told his attorney, who advised against this, to give her what she wants to get it done with. 

[stillafool]

37 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

He’s losing a lot (I know you’ll all say he deserves it!).  He just told his attorney, who advised against this, to give her what she wants to get it done with. 

No he's divding what is theirs. They were married a long time.

[elaine567]

Sorry if this has been answered but who actually initiated the divorce him or his wife? Whose idea was it in reality?  Had she just had enough of his cheating ways and chucked him out. Even when it appeared he chose to go  back to her.,she may have got to the end of her tether...

You need to know the truth  as getting your man by default is not really the same as him actively choosing you. Be careful.

The stalling may not actually be her fault, despite him telling you otherwise. Divorce is a huge deal and many men suffer. Loss of house, status , money, kids and reputation matter to men. They also hate being painted as the bad guy...

Be mentally prepared for him to again return to her. It may not happen but it just might, not uncommon.

[kaylasummer]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Don’t you think she deserves to have everything she wants - since he completely betrayed her? 
 

the fact that he originally fought her on what she wanted shows he is still an entitled man after ruining everything about the life she thought she had! And the man she thought she married! 
 

I left my ex. We each took our things, he kept one property, I kept the other. I didn’t ask him for a thing nor would I ever let someone “take care of me”. Very easy D.  

His ex wants everything including alimony, his retirement (which she’s entitled to and he expected). However, she’s also requesting all of his toys (boats, atv’s, his collector vehicle, his hobby equipment, etc etc etc none of which she’s ever used or had interest in just out of spite! 

She took cash advances on credit cards in his name (requesting he pay) AND drained their savings the minute she found out he filed! It’s a little extreme. He said he would have happily taken care of her as he knew it would cost him, but her behavior has been vindictive.

Edited to add: I was not in the picture when he filed.

Edited January 27, 2022 by kaylasummer

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Sorry if this has been answered but who actually initiated the divorce him or his wife?

Kayla you didn't answer this question?

[kaylasummer]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Kayla you didn't answer this question?

I answered this in a previous post. He did. I was not in the picture at that time either.

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

I answered this in a previous post. He did. I was not in the picture at that time either.

That’s not what you said in your previous thread. This is what you said - 

Quote

By what his W said today, I feel like she only wanted him 6 months ago because she didn’t want someone else to have him, especially “someone his family and friends loved” (her words), so she waited until she thought I was out of the picture and they jointly filed. 

You also said that his wife told you this - 

Quote

She told me they grew to love each other, but doesn’t believe he was ever in love with her. 

which is a far cry from “he never told her that he loved her during their entire marriage.”

No - she said “We grew to love each other.” 

Edited January 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[kaylasummer]

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s not what you said in your previous thread. This is what you said - 

You also said that his wife told you this - 

which is a far cry from “he never told her that he loved her during their entire marriage.”

No - she said “We grew to love each other.” 

From what he’s said, he initiated the D, she agreed. I wasn’t in the picture at that time. She became vindictive (maybe she didn’t think he actually meant it) and is not presently ok with it, making things difficult. 
 

I think I said in another post that there had to be love there because he felt such guilt after his first A that he told her and they worked it out. I’m sure there was love.. you can’t be with some that long and not have some sort of love. Just not “in love”. 

Edited to add:she did say on the phone after dday that she didn’t believe he ever loved her.. he never said it, but that may have been emotions talking.

Edited January 27, 2022 by kaylasummer

[kaylasummer]

On 1/25/2022 at 7:59 AM, Crazelnut said:

Why are you not willing to finally accept a bit of short term pain to save yourself years of mistrust, anxiety, and eventual pain?

Because it would be breaking my heart again and long term pain, longing, missing him, and wondering what might have been.

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

Because it would be breaking my heart again and long term pain, longing, missing him, and wondering what might have been.

Your decision is made.

Que sera, sera. 

 

[kaylasummer]

50 minutes ago, S2B said:

You seem to believe everything he says. 
why don’t you look online at what they filed?

this will tell you solid info. Most counties let you do that online. 

I wouldn’t take him at his word. Look it up.

I looked it up. He is the petitioner, she’s the respondent. They had jointly agreed to it in the beginning at least, but by this, it looks like he would have been the one to actually file it. 

Edited January 27, 2022 by kaylasummer
TMI

[kaylasummer]

25 minutes ago, S2B said:

So when he filed he also had the opportunity to ask for what he wanted when they divide things up.

why did he file when you weren’t in the picture at that time? Did he have another other woman he was involved with back then? 

True but not agreeing only prolongs it.. and he filed because she told everyone around, continued to punish him, it wasn’t working, and he was miserable. We share the same best friends, so he did know I was suffering as well. There’s more I’d rather not share (TMI).

[Daliah]

I wouldn’t trust this bloke as far as I could throw him frankly…..

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

His ex wants everything including alimony, his retirement.

That's ok. Assets are divided in divorce and since they've been married a long time and have kids, her attorney will come up with proposals and so will his.

Ultimately the division of assets is determined by the courts. So he's just feeding you the typical "she's taking me to the cleaners"  story.

Of course your affair will fuel this in her favor. He is focused on his divorce and needs a crutch. When it's over, he'll want to distance himself from everything in  that period, including you.

Proceed with caution.  

[Starswillshine]

5 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

True but not agreeing only prolongs it.. and he filed because she told everyone around, continued to punish him, it wasn’t working, and he was miserable. We share the same best friends, so he did know I was suffering as well. There’s more I’d rather not share (TMI).

I don't want to get dragged into the details of who filed what and when. Divorces can drag out forever, and I, personally, don't think someone needs to fully wait the potential years it take for it to be fully finalized. As long as he is completely separated, living separately, and everything separated financially. 

BUT.... his wife is not wrong for telling people. This happened to HER and it is her darn right to explain to people that this divorce was caused by his infidelity. You don't want anyone to know things you do, then don't do it. Period. So just stop focusing on that. Also, in marriage, all money is money of the marriage. Thus half his retirement is hers. As is all other assets. Nothing unfair about her asking for that. And 100% if he made the bulk of the money, she should get alimony. There is no reason that she and the kids should suffer and have to reduce lifestyle because he couldn't keep his member in his pants or be a big boy and address issues in the marriage and work to fix it versus sticking his member into another woman. He made a commitment, and he broke it. That is on him, and he needs to do what he can to at least make it so she doesn't further suffer financially. If you or he is complaining about this, you are quite selfish. How much more do you want this woman to suffer????? 

Edited January 27, 2022 by Starswillshine
Typos

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When it's over, he'll want to distance himself from everything in that period including you.

This is the potential risk you run. This was a work affair, he basically grabbed onto the nearest available and willing woman he could find. You 'saved' him.

But once he is divorced, his options will increase, his confidence will grow  and he may no longer feel he needs you any longer. He may then feel he has outgrown you and go looking for a "better" woman.

The OW can be a temporary fix, the one to hold his hand as he navigates change.

[kaylasummer]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

his wife is not wrong for telling people. This happened to HER and it is her darn right to explain to people that this divorce was caused by his infidelity. You don't want anyone to know things you do, then don't do it. Period. So just stop focusing on that. Also, in marriage, all money is money of the marriage. Thus half his retirement is hers. As is all other assets. Nothing unfair about her asking for that. And 100% if he made the bulk of the money, she should get alimony. There is no reason that she and the kids should suffer and have to reduce lifestyle because he couldn't keep his member in his pants or be a big boy and address issues in the marriage and work to fix it versus sticking his member into another woman. He made a commitment, and he broke it. That is on him, and he needs to do what he can to at least make it so she doesn't further suffer financially. If you or he is complaining about this, you are quite selfish. How much more do you want this woman to suffer????? 

I agree. He was well aware of what his financial obligations would be to her and has accepted that. She wants more and he’s giving in to get it over with, although his attorney is advising against that. Their kids are almost young adults, but they agreed to 50/50. He will still have child support as that’s determined by income and evening it out. He is perfectly fine with that even though they are with him a majority of the time. He said his kids will never go without. He has said his major regret in life is not doing this years ago.

[kaylasummer]

16 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is the potential risk you run. This was a work affair, he basically grabbed onto the nearest available and willing woman he could find. You 'saved' him.

But once he is divorced, his options will increase, his confidence will grow  and he may no longer feel he needs you any longer. He may then feel he has outgrown you and go looking for a "better" woman.

The OW can be a temporary fix, the one to hold his hand as he navigates change.

True. I know this sounds extremely cliche, but it was a lot more than just a work A. It was a long term friendship, turned EA before anything. We did everything together, so many memories! We have that foundation, mutual best friends, and too many “coincidences” that it feels like “the one” kind of connection, which he’s said as well. 
 

Edited to add: we’ve even gotten our parents together while his parents at their vacation home in my home town recently. They instantly bonded; we joke that they are now BFFs. Too many things have lined. There’s so much more but again, TMI.

Edited January 27, 2022 by kaylasummer