Caught My Wife Messaging and Sending Videos to Another Man

[OBXer44]

My wife and I have fantasized about her being with another man while I watched/joined in but we had not gone through with it. We had been on Adult Friend Finder and she would message other guys but always with the understanding that I was involved, and everything would be transparent. I'm not sure if we would ever go through with it but at this point it was just a fantasy that we would use to spice up our sex.

I had caught her messaging other men on facebook/text a few times in the past but they were never really sexual in nature, but I could see if I didn't catch her it may have evolved into it. The last time I caught her she said that the guy was the one the was initiating the contact and that she would block him so he couldn't continue doing it. I believed her. We have been together for 20 years, married for 15 and several kids together. About 3 weeks later, I was waiting for her in the bedroom after starting off our night in the hot tub with a few hard drinks. It was taking her sometime so I peeked in the door and saw her dancing in front of a tablet in her lingerie. We had a great night in bed but the next morning I decided to investigate what I thought was suspicious behavior. I found the tablet and several messages to the man I had just confronted her about 3 weeks earlier. The messages were sexual in nature and she sent them right after we had sex. I also found several videos she had taken with her in lingerie touching herself and one of her naked masturbating. I confronted her with all this and she said she did not send the masturbating videos but admitted to sending the other videos to him (even though she said that the messenger would not allow her to send the full videos so she sent 3 10 second clips). I watched the videos and there is even a part where I can see when I called her and she stop videoing only to start back up after our conversation.

I'm devastated, heartbroken and do not know what I should do. She says that she barely knows the guy and just liked the attention. She says our fantasy and conversations on AFF had fueled her thoughts. She promises that it will not happen again. We have children together and our lives are greatly intertwined. I've threatened divorce but have told her that we would get through Christmas for the kids. She is currently sleeping in the babies room (though we have had sex, my idea to relieve the stress from all this). Deep down I do not want to leave her but I want to show her that I will not accept this from her again. I do not know what to do. At times I feel like I can forgive her and then I think about the messages and the videos. I don't want to talk to my friends or my family because I'm ashamed and embarrassed that my wife would do this. 

I'm lost and don't know what to do. Please give me some advice on how I should move forward.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, OBXer44 said:

My wife and I have fantasized about her being with another man while I watched/joined in but we had not gone through with it. We had been on Adult Friend Finder and she would message other guys but always with the understanding that I was involved, and everything would be transparent. I'm not sure if we would ever go through with it but at this point it was just a fantasy that we would use to spice up our sex.

You wanted this to 'spice things up'? Now you're saying you don't?

Find another way to improve your sex life because this fantasy of yours is deteriorating your marriage.

[OBXer44]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You wanted this to 'spice things up'? Now you're saying you don't?

Find another way to improve your sex life because this fantasy of yours is deteriorating your marriage.

You maybe right but she is still going behind my back to message this man. We had agreed that all conversations would be through the AFF app so it was transparent. It was about trust. 

Now if we get through this, I will think twice about continuing our fantasy. Like you said it is "deteriorating" our marriage.

[elaine567]

Whose fantasy is this?
Hers or yours, who actually started this?

[OBXer44]

I may have started it but we both enjoyed it. It was always with the understanding that if either one of us was uncomfortable with it, we would end it. The trust was always key. I now see how I may have invited this behavior but I still feel betrayed.

[Just a Guy]

Hi OBXer, looks like you guys are into non monogamy by the looks of it. You should know that opening Pandora's box is a one way street. You can open it but you can never really shut it back again. Your wife seems to have taken to the idea like a duck takes to water! Now, whatever you may do you are never going to be able to wean her off this. Her interest has been piqued and if she cannot follow her desires transparently, she will do so clandestinely. 15 years of marriage seems to have dulled her appetite for sex with you( as it probably has done for you too, with respect to her) and she now would like to explore her sexuality with others whether you like it or not.

My suggestion is for the two of you to use the services of a marriage counsellor who is familiar with non monogamous relationships who may be able to steer you through the tricky waters of one of you wanting an open or non monogamous relationship. It may or may not work but you can give it a try. I would also suggest that you visit a site like ohwdotorg where you will find a lot of experienced folks who can help you navigate these tricky waters as they are practitioners of ethical non monogamy, meaning that they practice non monogamy with the full consent and knowledge of their partners. Those folks also generally abhor cheating and they also respect folks who do not dig the kink and would like to live a monogamous life. Of course like everywhere, you will get folks urging you on the path that your wife wants to follow but you can ignore them and listen to what the more mature and experienced folks there have to say! Try the first option  I suggested while trying the second one on your own. Do not, for God's sake let your wife know about the second option. Lastly, message Central on this forum. He is experienced in this kink and will give you valuable feedback. Warm regards.

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, OBXer44 said:

I may have started it but we both enjoyed it. It was always with the understanding that if either one of us was uncomfortable with it, we would end it. The trust was always key. I now see how I may have invited this behavior but I still feel betrayed.

Seems to me when basically  monogamous people end up in such arrangements they tend to latch on to someone else and then ditch the original relationship.
I think it is due to a loosening of the original bond.
You in effect gave her permission to go look for another man and so her respect and love for you went down.
She then looks  for another man to give her love and loyalty to.
That is why she has gone behind your back with this other guy.

[OBXer44]

46 minutes ago, Just a Guy said:

Hi OBXer, looks like you guys are into non monogamy by the looks of it. You should know that opening Pandora's box is a one way street. You can open it but you can never really shut it back again. Your wife seems to have taken to the idea like a duck takes to water! Now, whatever you may do you are never going to be able to wean her off this. Her interest has been piqued and if she cannot follow her desires transparently, she will do so clandestinely. 15 years of marriage seems to have dulled her appetite for sex with you( as it probably has done for you too, with respect to her) and she now would like to explore her sexuality with others whether you like it or not.

My suggestion is for the two of you to use the services of a marriage counsellor who is familiar with non monogamous relationships who may be able to steer you through the tricky waters of one of you wanting an open or non monogamous relationship. It may or may not work but you can give it a try. I would also suggest that you visit a site like ohwdotorg where you will find a lot of experienced folks who can help you navigate these tricky waters as they are practitioners of ethical non monogamy, meaning that they practice non monogamy with the full consent and knowledge of their partners. Those folks also generally abhor cheating and they also respect folks who do not dig the kink and would like to live a monogamous life. Of course like everywhere, you will get folks urging you on the path that your wife wants to follow but you can ignore them and listen to what the more mature and experienced folks there have to say! Try the first option  I suggested while trying the second one on your own. Do not, for God's sake let your wife know about the second option. Lastly, message Central on this forum. He is experienced in this kink and will give you valuable feedback. Warm regards.

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to look into both your suggestions. 

[OBXer44]

48 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to me when basically  monogamous people end up in such arrangements they tend to latch on to someone else and then ditch the original relationship.
I think it is due to a loosening of the original bond.
You in effect gave her permission to go look for another man and so her respect and love for you went down.
She then looks  for another man to give her love and loyalty to.
That is why she has gone behind your back with this other guy.

She is very upset that I've suggested divorce and says that she is sorry, won't happen again. I don't think she wants to ditch our relationship, she says she just liked the attention. Whatever the case, you are right that I originally gave her permission and now I'm living with the consequences 

[glows]

It doesn't sound like she respects your boundaries. That you have to threaten divorce to get that through to your spouse is worrisome. 

The initial agreement is to interact with third parties with all parties involved (full disclosure) and introductions. That's how I read your first post "everything would be transparent".

Neither of you gave the green light to start interacting with others in private which is what she ended up doing. Maybe this turns her on and knowing that it's outside those boundaries is what gets her excited. "she just liked the attention" Yes. But she likes the attention without you knowing. That falls outside the initial agreement you both had.

You both will have to figure out your boundaries better. Try communicating openly. Threatening divorce won't help with that as you've now shut down communications or trying to understand why she went beyond those boundaries to start. I understand you're hurt. It's unfortunate that her need for attention surpassed any fear of losing her marriage. You both may be in a rut. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow,

Your feelings are understandable--both ways: not wanting to leave but feeling like you have to draw the line.

My first reaction is that you would benefit from going to a therapist--not couples counseling, but just you. Right now, you need ultra clarity about your feelings and you need specific strategies and ways of thinking. The problem is, with the distress you're under (reasonably so) it is almost impossible to think clearly about what's going on. That's why I think you need to consult another brain. I almost would recommend you get to a woman therapist though a man could be good as well.

One point that you will need to get to (and a therapist will want to explore but you need to explore on your own) is the state of the marriage. What's really going on in the marriage. Being together x years doesn't mean anything if a couple is two seconds away from strangling each other. What else is being hidden in the marriage? Another example: sounds to me that like wife is good at blowing smoke back at you, b.s. smoke and I'm getting some sense that she operates with more power (and manipulation) in the marriage than you do. A step in therapy would be to get to your full power. Like right now, you have the right to be furiously mad. Forget next steps, forget thinking. Forgetting confirming all the details to the level of certainty you're focused on.  It would be healthy just for you to be mad (of course, avoiding the toxic stuff name calling).

I'm sensing you don't know how to firmly stand up for yourself and that this struggle goes back way before this episode. Again, a good therapist can help you access that anger, which is often part of what gives us strength to stand up for ourselves. 

 

 

[OBXer44]

1 hour ago, glows said:

It doesn't sound like she respects your boundaries. That you have to threaten divorce to get that through to your spouse is worrisome. 

The initial agreement is to interact with third parties with all parties involved (full disclosure) and introductions. That's how I read your first post "everything would be transparent".

Neither of you gave the green light to start interacting with others in private which is what she ended up doing. Maybe this turns her on and knowing that it's outside those boundaries is what gets her excited. "she just liked the attention" Yes. But she likes the attention without you knowing. That falls outside the initial agreement you both had.

You both will have to figure out your boundaries better. Try communicating openly. Threatening divorce won't help with that as you've now shut down communications or trying to understand why she went beyond those boundaries to start. I understand you're hurt. It's unfortunate that her need for attention surpassed any fear of losing her marriage. You both may be in a rut. 

You are correct about the initial agreement of full disclosure and that part of the hurt is that there was not. We did not discuss this interaction and she went outside of our boundaries to be involved with him. The excitement of having the secret may have turned her on. I am a detail-oriented guy so our discussions is mainly me trying to break down the chain of events that led to this and how she let it happen. She seems truly sorry about it and is upset that it my effect our family. I'm unsure if I should give her another chance or if I need to but my foot down here so she realizes how upset this has made me.

[vla1120]

I had a friend who was in that lifestyle with his girlfriend. He broke up with her when she paired up with someone else at a house party they both attended. He said it was cheating because she did not speak to him about it first. I was confused. What would you expect when you go to a "house party" where everyone is swapping partners, etc? He said they had very clear boundaries and ground rules and by her going off with another man on her own, she betrayed his trust. That lifestyle turns into a very slippery slope if the two of you do not do your homework, set down very clear ground rules and boundaries and agree to abide by them. Pandora's box has been opened. I'm not sure how you proceed from here, but @Just a Guy gave you some very good suggestions.

[OBXer44]

10 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Wow,

Your feelings are understandable--both ways: not wanting to leave but feeling like you have to draw the line.

My first reaction is that you would benefit from going to a therapist--not couples counseling, but just you. Right now, you need ultra clarity about your feelings and you need specific strategies and ways of thinking. The problem is, with the distress you're under (reasonably so) it is almost impossible to think clearly about what's going on. That's why I think you need to consult another brain. I almost would recommend you get to a woman therapist though a man could be good as well.

One point that you will need to get to (and a therapist will want to explore but you need to explore on your own) is the state of the marriage. What's really going on in the marriage. Being together x years doesn't mean anything if a couple is two seconds away from strangling each other. What else is being hidden in the marriage? Another example: sounds to me that like wife is good at blowing smoke back at you, b.s. smoke and I'm getting some sense that she operates with more power (and manipulation) in the marriage than you do. A step in therapy would be to get to your full power. Like right now, you have the right to be furiously mad. Forget next steps, forget thinking. Forgetting confirming all the details to the level of certainty you're focused on.  It would be healthy just for you to be mad (of course, avoiding the toxic stuff name calling).

I'm sensing you don't know how to firmly stand up for yourself and that this struggle goes back way before this episode. Again, a good therapist can help you access that anger, which is often part of what gives us strength to stand up for ourselves. 

 

 

I've thought about the couples counseling but not the individual therapist. It would be beneficial to have someone to talk to and this is why I've posted here. I do not have friends or family that would not be judgmental to her and if I do decide to work this out, I do not want this to be held against her. Also, we have agreed to get through Christmas before we make any big decisions for the sake of our kids and we will be spending a lot of time with my family.

[glows]

8 minutes ago, OBXer44 said:

You are correct about the initial agreement of full disclosure and that part of the hurt is that there was not. We did not discuss this interaction and she went outside of our boundaries to be involved with him. The excitement of having the secret may have turned her on. I am a detail-oriented guy so our discussions is mainly me trying to break down the chain of events that led to this and how she let it happen. She seems truly sorry about it and is upset that it my effect our family. I'm unsure if I should give her another chance or if I need to but my foot down here so she realizes how upset this has made me.

But this isn't that important. You know what went wrong. The boundaries weren't clear or she went outside of them, regardless of what they were. Going over the minute details will pull you both apart. "Put your foot down" exactly how? This isn't about her realizing how much she upset you. It's about you freeing yourself from a marriage that is deceitful if you truly feel you can't live with it any longer. Something tells me though that this isn't what you're looking for (divorce). You're angry and hurt but be careful with empty threats especially of divorce. 

Try communicating a bit better about how you don't agree with this type of communication with third parties. Punishing her for what she did isn't going to move this forward. It'll just create more resentment down the line.

Edited December 10, 2021 by glows

[OBXer44]

2 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I had a friend who was in that lifestyle with his girlfriend. He broke up with her when she paired up with someone else at a house party they both attended. He said it was cheating because she did not speak to him about it first. I was confused. What would you expect when you go to a "house party" where everyone is swapping partners, etc? He said they had very clear boundaries and ground rules and by her going off with another man on her own, she betrayed his trust. That lifestyle turns into a very slippery slope if the two of you do not do your homework, set down very clear ground rules and boundaries and agree to abide by them. Pandora's box has been opened. I'm not sure how you proceed from here, but @Just a Guy gave you some very good suggestions.

Yes, if you go to a swingers party that is what you are signing up for.

We had not committed fully into a lifestyle but we were in agreement that it would be a Stag/Vixen relationship where everything was in the open and we both had to be consenting for any relationship. There was to be no interactions without each other knowing. That is where I feel betrayed. I know it is confusing, but we had thoroughly discussed our boundries and she knew that this was outside of it.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, OBXer44 said:

we were in agreement that it would be a Stag/Vixen relationship

You got what you asked for.

Dragging third parties for sex adventures into a stale marriage won't fix it. It will fracture your communication even further.

Yes. See an individual therapist to unpack and sort out your issues including the seriously misguided attempt to "spice things up" . 

Since this is a serious communication and trust issue, consult a qualified marriage therapist to start a dialogue about what really going on.

[OBXer44]

1 minute ago, glows said:

But this isn't that important. You know what went wrong. The boundaries weren't clear or she went outside of them, regardless of what they were. Going over the minute details will pull you both apart. "Put your foot down" exactly how? This isn't about her realizing how much she upset you. It's about you freeing yourself from a marriage that is deceitful if you truly feel you can't live with it any longer. Something tells me though that this isn't what you're looking for (divorce). You're just angry and hurt and are pouting but be careful with empty threats especially of divorce. 

Try communicating a bit better about how you don't agree with this type of communication with third parties. Punishing her for what she did isn't going to move this forward. It'll just create more resentment down the line.

Yes, it is driving me crazy. I've watched the videos a couple times and it tears me up. I've corresponded the time stamps to the time I called her, to exactly where/what I was doing. I am pouting but I'm extremely hurt. She is the love of my life and I guess I need to let the details go, move forward. 

We have kids, a business, a house, all this makes it so hard to just say I want a divorce.

[vla1120]

3 minutes ago, OBXer44 said:

Yes, it is driving me crazy. I've watched the videos a couple times and it tears me up. I've corresponded the time stamps to the time I called her, to exactly where/what I was doing. I am pouting but I'm extremely hurt. She is the love of my life and I guess I need to let the details go, move forward. 

We have kids, a business, a house, all this makes it so hard to just say I want a divorce.

I think the path forward includes a marriage therapist qualified to help you navigate this unusual circumstance. Fix what is lacking in your marriage, first. I do know there are couples out there who swear that their "play time" improves their relationship. It's a matter of having very clear, concise rules and sticking to them. I think the waters can get muddled when someone does not really have a clear understanding of the expectations participating in this lifestyle. The same way I misunderstood why my friend would get mad that his girlfriend got with another guy in the hot tub at a house party when everyone was pairing off, maybe your wife does not really have a clear understanding of your expectations (though you say you made them clear.)

[karlaphoto]

In the whole 20 years that you all have been together, have you ever cheated on her? She might have some resentment. 

She maybe really wanting attention, and she may feel like if you are willing to share her so freely.. why should it matter if she does it in your face or behind your back? I think you need to let go of that fantasy. 

[elaine567]

45 minutes ago, OBXer44 said:

She is the love of my life...

We have kids, a business, a house, all this makes it so hard to just say I want a divorce.

Did you never consider you could lose it all, over some no doubt porn inspired fantasy?

[OBXer44]

22 minutes ago, karlaphoto said:

In the whole 20 years that you all have been together, have you ever cheated on her? She might have some resentment. 

She maybe really wanting attention, and she may feel like if you are willing to share her so freely.. why should it matter if she does it in your face or behind your back? I think you need to let go of that fantasy. 

Never cheated on her. 

We are in conversation about this to try to work things out and I'll ask her if that is how she feels

 

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, karlaphoto said:

She might have some resentment. 

Yes, cheating which this essentially is, is often fuelled by resentment and/or wishing to get one over on a spouse...

[dramafreezone]

36 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Did you never consider you could lose it all, over some no doubt porn inspired fantasy?

The fantasy isn't the problem.  Plenty of couples have unconventional but happy sex lives.  The problem here is that like someone else said, the boundaries were not clearly defined beforehand or they were violated.

[OBXer44]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

The fantasy isn't the problem.  Plenty of couples have unconventional but happy sex lives.  The problem here is that like someone else said, the boundaries were not clearly defined beforehand or they were violated.

The boundaries were clearly defined and she violated those boundaries.